Battling with horrible anxiety thoughts

[phil06]

I'm fed up of anxiety thoughts. For a few weeks they eased off the obsessive ones but they have returned again.

I worry about small things, time, cleaning, smells and got paranoid by a smell on my laminate floor recently. Then I worry about bigger things like HOCD thoughts, manic depression coming back (this one seems to have eased down a bit) weight and stuff like that.

I am terrified by these HOCD thoughts I am only into woman but I get what if what thoughts and the cycle roles on to like "what if people think I don't like woman" so my reaction is to prove I am just into woman by going and looking at one.

I feel insecure since I split with a long term g.f about a year ago. I had a g.f a few weeks back but that never worked out due to distance but I just keep worrying. After a long gap single and focusing on work i just feel I don't care about a relationship like I use to. I like feel there is no ideal woman for me at present after looking and looking for months now I have eased this has caused me more HOCD anxiety. I get the symptom from the OCD page here "looking at a member of the same sex triggers anxiety and unwanted thoughts".

I don't see why i can't get rid of this? I find woman attractive and am content with that but I have a major anxiety problem where I worry like crap for ages. I find it all scary perhaps it's a loss of control but I know I am in control because I am content with woman. Any kind of joke on this would result on me taking major offense plus I have to avoid anybody who looks dodgy mainly people of the same sex.

Stuff like going for a walk is not easy as I work long days and nights so i don't always have much time and go to bed and the stress comes back next day. The funny thing is like most anxiety when I don't think about it i just get on with my life or enjoy looking at woman. I only want to be with woman and want rid of this anxiety.

Why does anxiety have to make me worry like this? I've accepted it's anxiety but I still fear the anxiety will some how change me, dwift me away from reality? I worried constantly about manic depression coming back for 2 years almost which is a long worry and it's taken a long time to ease down.

I'm just wondering what's it going to be next? I just want to get rid of the horrible, awful thoughts. Each new worry seems massive at the time when "worry" is in the head. :weep: How can It get easier and how can I deal with this and get on with my life?

[Veronica H]

Hi phil

have you tried CBT? It might be a way forward.


Veronica

[phil06]

Thanks no not tried CBT yet I just want rid of these thoughts.

I don't know how to accept it's just thoughts? it's thoughts that make you a person and stuff. My horrible thoughts just seem to run away with me like "what if I have feelings for a person of the same sex" and end up worrying about "what type I like" I feel like these thoughts are part of me some how when they are not

These thoughts cause me alot of stress and it's just horrible how can I life my life with this awful thoughts? I'm straight and want to be with a nice woman yet these disturbing thoughts come on from anxiety.

The way I got passed the manic depression was being told I never really had manic depression and it's slowly eased so what can I do to put these horrible thoughts to rest? I have tried to say I have only been with woman but due to these thoughts I'm terrified it's some how me.

How can I believe it's anxiety and thoughts and how can I possibly get over them? the more the worry persists the more the irrational thoughts keep running and scaring me. I could post on here and get reassurance and a few hours or day later I'm scared by this again why can't I get rid of these HOCD symptoms?

Right now I feel these intrusive horrible thoughts are worse than a panic attack. :weep: Has anybody else experienced disturbing thoughts to this degree is it all anxiety/OCD?

[jindivik]

i know exactly how you feel....... i had these thoughts a while back.......they eventually disappeared on their own but now, instead i think ....... what if i hurt someone really close to me.....

i hope it's just anxiety and not OCD :(

[phil06]

i know exactly how you feel....... i had these thoughts a while back.......they eventually disappeared on their own but now, instead i think ....... what if i hurt someone really close to me.....

i hope it's just anxiety and not OCD :(

I have had the hurting somebody thoughts but they come and go. I seem to get a few triggers which last for longer than a few weeks. Some of the thoughts can last like a year or more. It makes it hard to battle a whole year focusing on your life when the awful thoughts are these and you need reassurance.

The only reason I can think of that some stay longer as some have more horrible triggers than others like ones you would be most scared of. Sometimes when these thoughts come into your head you can't think from a non anxiety point of view and let them pass.

My non anxiety part of me would say I have been out a serious relationship a year and a half and after 1 year full on searching for somebody new I have relaxed and started focusing on work (got a new job in summer) and have a larger circle of friends so have that on my mind plus money issues and I haven't found somebody better than my ex yet. My anxiety says this is not normal and I'm simply not interested in woman which is horrible because when I'm in the anxiety phases sometimes lasting a hour or more or randomly come on I'm scared and believe it. Even typing the above would make me worry "what if that's the old me" or "what if that's not true" and the cycle goes on and on. The obsessiveness kicks in over clothes, music, hair styles everything has to be perfect and not "camp". Why does thoughts make u act this way? Even the words make me worry or what i posted above.. I also fear people will think "I'm not into woman" and stuff like that it's horrible.

Looking back on the manic depression one I guess I can laugh a little or relax knowing I'm fine now. :unsure:

[Veronica H]

Hi Phil

This all comes down to 'what ifs' and fear, if you haven't already done so you could read a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes called 'Self help for your nerves' published by Thorsons ISBN 978-0-7225-3155-6. This is available from the NMP Shop. I cannot recommend this enough as it really explains what is happening to us, and how we can recover. Her recordings can be downloaded free to your MP3 from the NMP Shop too. If you are thinking about CBT, but are on a waiting list, there is a very good free online course called www.livinglifetothefull.com (http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/). Hope this helps Phil, also I have learned that it is important to recognise when you are slipping too far down to be able to cope without meds in the short term. I have got myself down to a very low dose of Citalopram 10mg which keeps me out of depression.

Veronica

[phil06]

Thanks again.

I'm not sure what to do in the near future somebody made a bad joke at work about being into the same sex and I took mega offense and got very angry. I'm fed up of this I feel Angry, scared, worried I had a awful dream last night why the heck am I having this?

I now feel in meltdown with these thoughts it just gets worse and worse and worse I'm now convinced these thoughts will change me and make me something I am not. Some how these thoughts might make me think it's acceptable or I'm some how changed. It's horrible. I feel like anxiety has some in and sucked my brain out and said "what if" or "im no longer into woman" this is awful. These thoughts can get that intense that my mind muddles it up and says "what if I like it" but I don't. It all feels so real yet it's not me it's the awful anxiety. Or it it not anxiety? I just want rid of all this.

I can't understand why anxiety can affect me this bad? :weep: