noname
17-11-08, 02:07
Hi... I don't really know where to begin, or why I'm posting here in the first place... but I am.
I'm 23, and I started suffering from depression/anxiety when I was 14/15, which I think was probably more to do with puberty and hormones changing and the usual teenage angst and what not. Anyway, I stopped going to school and freaking out about going to school when I was 15,almost 16... my parents found out and took me to see a doctor, I was given medication, which i never really took, and went to see a psychologist which i didn't really take to and stopped going. Then after the summer when school started again i joined a new school, as i couldn't face going back to the old one with them all knowing what a mess up i was, anyway, after a week i was back to my same old couldn't face school, my dad came home and i freaked about having to have another whole lengthy discussion about myself, and packed and left home for a few days, and long story short, this ended with my parents not knowing what to do with me and me in a psychiatric hospital, which to say the least was the most terrifying and worst expereince of my life. I was there for a week, and afterwards kept one or two appointments with psychiatrists & family psychologists but then decided it was best just to get on with things and keep my head down, start acting like I was ok, and just wait to actually be ok.
Anyway, 7 years on (Does not seem that long at all) I'm at uni now, going into my final year. I've still been depressed a lot for the past 7 years, and stress about everything, especially social situations and bumping into people i used to know years ago. But I just accept that that's who I am, and I'll never be one of these people that can be happy and comfortable around strangers, or in a room with more than 1 or two people in it. Or generally just wake up and float through the day or life being happy, I know that's not gonna happen. I'v considered going back to see a doctor quite often throughout the 7 years, as some days I do believe that a better quality of life is attainable, and that I deserve it. Although I'm not miserable for every hour of the day, and I get by, so I never do.
However, last year, around November, for some reason I started taking severe anxiety attacks, rather than just suffering from my usual embaressment and uncomfortableness. My mind goes blank, my stomach turns, and I can't hear properly, my temperature rockets, and I go red and start sweating like crazy, and feel close to fainting, tho I never do. As soon as they started happening I started avoiding all situations where it could happen, I stopped going to the shop, and would sit starving, freezing with no gas or dying for a cigarette until my boyfriend came home and would go to the shop at the top of my street for me. I haven't been shopping for clothes or food for a year, coz i'm afraid of bumping into someone and this happening. I started avoiding going out past my front door completely. I stopped going to classes at uni, and as a result I am sitting on the s**ttiest marks ever, which i have no chance of pulling up this year. I then quit my job in march coz i was off sick for 2 weeks coz my friend that i work with was off and i couldn't go in on my own, then i was afraid of having an anxiety attack if someone asked why i was off, so i quit. So basically, from april until september I didn't really leave the house. I started going to my friends house towards the end, but only when i had my bike, as i got too worked up if i even thought about walking, even though its about 6 streets away. But once it hit september, i had to go back to uni, and i was in so much debt from not working and not paying my rent that i had to get a job, which i'd been trying to work myself up to since may! So now, i'm back at uni, and living in flat up there on my own four days a week, and then working while i'm back home. However, its all so overwhelming that all i ever wanna do is go to sleep! And i'm so angry at myself today because i had to go to my boyfriends house last night to have a drink with his family coz his sister got engaged! We'v been going out 4 years, and his family are lovely, so there was no reason for me to freak out about it, yet i did. This makes me think that I should go see a doctor, although i'm in my final year of psychology, and I know the theory behind my behaviour, which just makes me feel that there is no point going to the doctor because he will just think i'm a complete t**t because i know about this stuff, yet I'm still a mess!! And if I already understand how stupid i'm being, yet I still feel/act this way, then how can it ever change?
I'v rambled on a lot, sorry! I probably seem more serious or depressed than I generally am, as I cope quite well with it. Although I avoid leaving my house, and often don't walk out the door for days on end, I still have a boyfriend, I still get on well with my family, and I still have friends that come round all the time that I have a laugh with or wee drink with. And also, I'm not unhappy having to stay in the house, as I quite enjoy sitting with cups of tea or floating around on my laptop, and love getting into bed, whether to watch something or sleep. Its just the going out and having to deal with uni, work, and social things that makes me unhappy. So maybe my whole problem is actually just laziness, as anytime i have anything that has to be done, i just have an over whelming desire to go to sleep! I don't know.
Has anyone else ever actually been to see a doctor about depression, being stressed or what not, and learnt or gotten something out of it that they didn't already know ? Or is just relabelling yourself for no reason?
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
I'm 23, and I started suffering from depression/anxiety when I was 14/15, which I think was probably more to do with puberty and hormones changing and the usual teenage angst and what not. Anyway, I stopped going to school and freaking out about going to school when I was 15,almost 16... my parents found out and took me to see a doctor, I was given medication, which i never really took, and went to see a psychologist which i didn't really take to and stopped going. Then after the summer when school started again i joined a new school, as i couldn't face going back to the old one with them all knowing what a mess up i was, anyway, after a week i was back to my same old couldn't face school, my dad came home and i freaked about having to have another whole lengthy discussion about myself, and packed and left home for a few days, and long story short, this ended with my parents not knowing what to do with me and me in a psychiatric hospital, which to say the least was the most terrifying and worst expereince of my life. I was there for a week, and afterwards kept one or two appointments with psychiatrists & family psychologists but then decided it was best just to get on with things and keep my head down, start acting like I was ok, and just wait to actually be ok.
Anyway, 7 years on (Does not seem that long at all) I'm at uni now, going into my final year. I've still been depressed a lot for the past 7 years, and stress about everything, especially social situations and bumping into people i used to know years ago. But I just accept that that's who I am, and I'll never be one of these people that can be happy and comfortable around strangers, or in a room with more than 1 or two people in it. Or generally just wake up and float through the day or life being happy, I know that's not gonna happen. I'v considered going back to see a doctor quite often throughout the 7 years, as some days I do believe that a better quality of life is attainable, and that I deserve it. Although I'm not miserable for every hour of the day, and I get by, so I never do.
However, last year, around November, for some reason I started taking severe anxiety attacks, rather than just suffering from my usual embaressment and uncomfortableness. My mind goes blank, my stomach turns, and I can't hear properly, my temperature rockets, and I go red and start sweating like crazy, and feel close to fainting, tho I never do. As soon as they started happening I started avoiding all situations where it could happen, I stopped going to the shop, and would sit starving, freezing with no gas or dying for a cigarette until my boyfriend came home and would go to the shop at the top of my street for me. I haven't been shopping for clothes or food for a year, coz i'm afraid of bumping into someone and this happening. I started avoiding going out past my front door completely. I stopped going to classes at uni, and as a result I am sitting on the s**ttiest marks ever, which i have no chance of pulling up this year. I then quit my job in march coz i was off sick for 2 weeks coz my friend that i work with was off and i couldn't go in on my own, then i was afraid of having an anxiety attack if someone asked why i was off, so i quit. So basically, from april until september I didn't really leave the house. I started going to my friends house towards the end, but only when i had my bike, as i got too worked up if i even thought about walking, even though its about 6 streets away. But once it hit september, i had to go back to uni, and i was in so much debt from not working and not paying my rent that i had to get a job, which i'd been trying to work myself up to since may! So now, i'm back at uni, and living in flat up there on my own four days a week, and then working while i'm back home. However, its all so overwhelming that all i ever wanna do is go to sleep! And i'm so angry at myself today because i had to go to my boyfriends house last night to have a drink with his family coz his sister got engaged! We'v been going out 4 years, and his family are lovely, so there was no reason for me to freak out about it, yet i did. This makes me think that I should go see a doctor, although i'm in my final year of psychology, and I know the theory behind my behaviour, which just makes me feel that there is no point going to the doctor because he will just think i'm a complete t**t because i know about this stuff, yet I'm still a mess!! And if I already understand how stupid i'm being, yet I still feel/act this way, then how can it ever change?
I'v rambled on a lot, sorry! I probably seem more serious or depressed than I generally am, as I cope quite well with it. Although I avoid leaving my house, and often don't walk out the door for days on end, I still have a boyfriend, I still get on well with my family, and I still have friends that come round all the time that I have a laugh with or wee drink with. And also, I'm not unhappy having to stay in the house, as I quite enjoy sitting with cups of tea or floating around on my laptop, and love getting into bed, whether to watch something or sleep. Its just the going out and having to deal with uni, work, and social things that makes me unhappy. So maybe my whole problem is actually just laziness, as anytime i have anything that has to be done, i just have an over whelming desire to go to sleep! I don't know.
Has anyone else ever actually been to see a doctor about depression, being stressed or what not, and learnt or gotten something out of it that they didn't already know ? Or is just relabelling yourself for no reason?
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter