DeanOz
17-11-08, 04:06
G'day everyone
I have plenty of mind problems and try so hard to tackle them and to try and live just a normal life.I have plenty of fears and the most main one is catching HIV or a STD and having my life come to an end.What makes it harder for me is that im a gay guy but very straight in appreance and acting.My fear is "if" the worst case did happen and i did get these dieases , people would say "well his gay , he deserved it" , or "he is gay of course he is going to catch them".My sexual history is pretty much non exsititent , for example i havent been with anyone for 8/9 years now.Im just to nervous to get close to anybody and have something go wrong.
Im also worried about just daily basis as well , for eg i work in a large Dept store , and im worry that i will come in contact with blood or other body fluids during the cause of my day and contract something bad.
This now leeds me to todays events.Im on 2 weeks hoilday at the moment and i need to try and unwind and relax.So today i decided to go on a road trip and take and do some shopping.Everything was alright till i decided to get some lunch and a lady at the shop made me a hamburger and chips takeaway.Just as i was walking away , im sure i saw a spot of blood on the top of her hand where it looks like she has cut herself.
Now im so frusated as i try so hard to be normal and to try and just live life like everyone else.While i was slowely eating my lunch , i kept watching her and trying to see her hands from the distance to see if she was bleeding or perhaps put a bandaid on her hand.If i saw that then i knew i was right , but everytime i saw a quick glance of her hands i couldnt see anything.
Deep deep down , im hoping it was just perhaps sauce or some small bit of food stuck to hand when she made my hamburger.
I feel that if i dont relax and unwind in the 2 weeks , im going to get very stressed and tense with all these bad thoughts running though my head.
There is so much more going on and issues i have been fighting for many years.It feels as soon as i make some progress something like this happens and im back to square one again.
Sorry for such a long post , i just wanted to write it all as i see it today and get it off my chest.
Thankyou for reading.
Dean.......~~confused and afraid~~
I have plenty of mind problems and try so hard to tackle them and to try and live just a normal life.I have plenty of fears and the most main one is catching HIV or a STD and having my life come to an end.What makes it harder for me is that im a gay guy but very straight in appreance and acting.My fear is "if" the worst case did happen and i did get these dieases , people would say "well his gay , he deserved it" , or "he is gay of course he is going to catch them".My sexual history is pretty much non exsititent , for example i havent been with anyone for 8/9 years now.Im just to nervous to get close to anybody and have something go wrong.
Im also worried about just daily basis as well , for eg i work in a large Dept store , and im worry that i will come in contact with blood or other body fluids during the cause of my day and contract something bad.
This now leeds me to todays events.Im on 2 weeks hoilday at the moment and i need to try and unwind and relax.So today i decided to go on a road trip and take and do some shopping.Everything was alright till i decided to get some lunch and a lady at the shop made me a hamburger and chips takeaway.Just as i was walking away , im sure i saw a spot of blood on the top of her hand where it looks like she has cut herself.
Now im so frusated as i try so hard to be normal and to try and just live life like everyone else.While i was slowely eating my lunch , i kept watching her and trying to see her hands from the distance to see if she was bleeding or perhaps put a bandaid on her hand.If i saw that then i knew i was right , but everytime i saw a quick glance of her hands i couldnt see anything.
Deep deep down , im hoping it was just perhaps sauce or some small bit of food stuck to hand when she made my hamburger.
I feel that if i dont relax and unwind in the 2 weeks , im going to get very stressed and tense with all these bad thoughts running though my head.
There is so much more going on and issues i have been fighting for many years.It feels as soon as i make some progress something like this happens and im back to square one again.
Sorry for such a long post , i just wanted to write it all as i see it today and get it off my chest.
Thankyou for reading.
Dean.......~~confused and afraid~~