View Full Version : Feeling desperate - no future
Rootytooty
17-11-08, 09:28
I really feel like I cannot go on like this.
Up until about 5 weeks ago, I was a normal human being, getting on with life, worrying about money, teenage difficulties, all the usual stuff.
Then I noticed that I was having some strange bowel “experiences”, that had been going on for some time. So I googled it. That seems to be the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it.
Went to the doctors, who ordered some blood tests and a FOB. Started to really panic, so googled some more. Then I found out that changes in bowel habits could be indicative of a gynological cancer. Went back to doctors, blood tests normal, and FOB test negative. Doctor then suggested Barium Enema. More panic.
Panic attacks started to increase. Disturbing thoughts of children watching me die making me cry all the time. Unable to concentrate on anything. Everywhere I look there a re stories about cancer.
Went back to doctors, to tell them I couldn’t cope, and was scared for my sanity. Kindly dr (not my usual one), gave me some Valium. That helped. At first I took 3 a day, but then I realised that they would run out quickly, so I limited myself to one in the evening.
Bowel troubles seemed to calm down (less anxious, I suppose).
Barium enema prep was awful, really strong laxatives. Actual procedure not too bad. However, now my piles have really come back big time, I am in agony. Four days later still have diarrhoea – not sure if that is normal. Now freaking out as wondering if piles and diarrhoea are part of original problem, or merely after effect of barium meal.
Day after Barium Enema, went to have a coil check. Saw usual well woman dr. Told her that I have a small bleed mid cycle, but that I thought that was normal. She just replied – no. Now she is referring me to a gyno dr (god knows when that appointment will come up), so I feel back to square one. Or did she see something that she didn’t want to mention? Even if Barium Enema comes back clear, I could have some sort of womb cancer. Now, I have noticed that my periods are getting closer together. Last one was 24 days ago, and now just started. I think that this has been going on for a few months, but I never really took much notice. Is this relevant?
I’m sorry to make this such a long post, but I feel so hopeless and alone. If it weren’t for my children, I think I would just end it all now. My husband too, has been so supportive, even though he has health issues of his own.
I have a therapy session booked for 4/12, but I don’t know if I can make it until then.
I am 46, and my children are 13 & 12. I adore them, but sometimes I wish that I didn’t have children, because of what will happen to them if I am not around, and they have to watch me die. When they tell me they love me (which is often), it breaks my heart. Keeping up appearances for their sake is so soo hard. All I want to do is lie in a darkened room.
Work is another thing I can’t cope with. I am a Software Engineer (programmer), and I need to concentrate, and I just can’t.
I also despise myself for being such a coward. I think of all of the people who are fighting cancer right now, with dignity & bravery, and I want to give up before it has even started. I want to die now, so that I don’t feel tortured anymore, but that, I know, is so selfish, and contradicts what I said about my girls.
I just feel so lost.
Thank you all for listening, and if anyone can advise me on how to get back from this very dark place, please, please let me know.
I’m so sorry to everyone, please forgive me.
Hi Rootytooty, I am so sorry that you are feeling low at the moment, it's horrible to feel that way, but I am sure that your barium enema results will come back clear and put your mind at rest on that score. You have a bad attack of anxiety at the moment and unfortunately it takes time for the feelings to calm down and the only thing you can do is try and turn your thoughts to more positive things, which is not easy. I do feel that your other concern about your periods getting more frequent will be the onset of the menopause; mine did exactly that same when I was your age, in fact they ended up arriving every 3 weeks before I started missing one altogether every now and then, so PLEASE do not make yourself worse by adding that fear. Just get everything checked out by the doctor and hopefully one you have been reassured that you are fine, you will feel the anxiety subside.
I wish there was something that I could tell you to do that you take the feelings away now, but there isn't, but just know that we all know the fears of HA and will be here to help you anytime you need it. Big hugs:hugs: x
My Mum has the same, periods coming more often and bleeding a tiny bit mid-cycle and she is healthy (she knows as in my home country women go to a gynaecologic check-up (including ultrasound etc) every 6 or 12 months). Could be the start of the menopause.
Rootytooty
17-11-08, 19:41
Thank you for your kind replies.
I think my anxiety gets much worse when physical symptoms reappear. I have excrutiating piles at the moment. Part of me thinks that they have just come back because of the batium enema (REALLY strong laxative to clear bowels out beforehand - was passing just liquid for a day and a half). Then actual procedure with tube , then after effects of residual barium - hard bm floowed by loose movements. But then there is a nagging part of me that thinks it is more sinister.
Thank you for your reassurance re menstrual cycle and nid cycle bleed. that was what I thought until Dr said No. She was quite abrupt about that. and she referred me to a gyno, so I thought it must be something to worry about. Didn't say when I would get appointment though.
Have had two Valium today, hope to do better tomorrow.
Thank you so, so ,much for being there.
I sometimes have a mid-cycle bleed..and I am now menopausal but have had it for as long as I can remeber and it turned out i have a cervical erosion which can cause spotting to occur. I had it checked but there are no problems to worry about so maybe you have that kind of thing too. Also in the peri-menopause stage when hormones are all over the place you can easily get a period every two weeks...that is normal. If you have completed your menopause that's trickier to understand but is probably nothing, maybe you have a fibroid which is common.
That doctor was mean to leave you in that frame of mind.... to be honest it's worth just asking what she is referring you for ...what does she suspect. At least armed with that information you'll have some clarity rather than just imagining the worst...which is the hardest thing to deal with.
I have health anxiety and everything I get..every ache and pain makes me fret about serious diseases but I do think this is part of the depression and in my rational moments I do try to stop the escalation of the thoughts which cause the panic.
That's easier said than done I guess. Good luck!!
I sometimes have a mid-cycle bleed..and I am now menopausal but have had it for as long as I can remeber and it turned out i have a cervical erosion which can cause spotting to occur. I had it checked but there are no problems to worry about so maybe you have that kind of thing too. Also in the peri-menopause stage when hormones are all over the place you can easily get a period every two weeks...that is normal. If you have completed your menopause that's trickier to understand but is probably nothing, maybe you have a fibroid which is common.
That doctor was mean to leave you in that frame of mind.... to be honest it's worth just asking what she is referring you for ...what does she suspect. At least armed with that information you'll have some clarity rather than just imagining the worst...which is the hardest thing to deal with.
I have health anxiety and everything I get..every ache and pain makes me fret about serious diseases but I do think this is part of the depression and in my rational moments I do try to stop the escalation of the thoughts which cause the panic.
That's easier said than done I guess. Good luck!!
Bowel problems are a real pain in the rse, I know I have suffered with diverticular problems for years. Every time I have a flare up of diverticulitis I don't know if I am going to end up in hospital on a drip. I know how bad it needs to be before I contact the doctor and because I have to monitor the pain I cannot take painkillers. I have Metroniazole 'on standby' because I have to take them immediately.
I do not suffer from HA and my bowel problem comes from my fathers side of the family (he ended up with a colostomy). Now you are on Diazepam it may settle down a bit.
As for the other it sounds as if you are on the slope to the BIG M (menopause):D http://www.power-surge.com/educate/34symptoms.htm
Check out the message board on the above site it is very good.:yesyes:
Hi Rooty, I agree with MollyBunn when she says the well woman doc shouldnt have left you feeling afraid like that. When she said its not normal to have a small bleed between periods, she should have given you some reassurance that at your age itcan be normal. I went through the menopause at 49..ie, had my last period at this age..but the build up to this went on for a few years before this, with my periods all over the place. Sometimes a period would go on for a couple of weeks, sometimes very heavy and sometimes not much at all with big gaps between. The hot flushes seemsed to start at this time too, and my anxiety symptoms were stronger and it was all down to hormone imbalance...its a horrible time, but its not a dangerous time, its normal.
As for the haemorrhoids (piles) alot of women have them on and off and from what you say it does sound like they were very irritated by the barium enema. I also think the loose motions would go on for a while after until your bowel settles down again.
The onset of the menopause isnt only about periods, a hormone imbalance can affect other parts of your body too and with the right care and meds you'll find a way through it. I wont pretend menopause is a walk in the park coz its not, though some women escapethe worst of it, but its a natural process in your life and so get as much info as you can about it, but best to stop googling symptoms :lac:
Please try not to worry. Be careful with the tranquilsers though, they can become addictive over long periods, and would be a shame to have to rely on them if its all down to your hormones. Your painful thoughts are only a result of this health anxiety. Have a chat to your own doctor and ask about alternatives. I was on a lower dose combination pill for part of this peri-menopause, and they seemed to settle me down. There are also herbals out there that can help with mood and anxiety. If you have trouble sleeping a good one is 'Nytol Herbals Night-time' its completely natural and non-addictive.
Keep posting and talking.
Best wishes
Cathy xxx :)
Rootytooty
18-11-08, 10:28
Thank you all for your kind replies. It is a great source of comfort to me.
Well woman dr is always like that. She does not pull any punches. Many years ago, when I had my first pregnancy, I started bleeding quite a lot.
When she saw me, she said "Well, I have to tell you that you are almost certainly going to lose the baby". Well, after that I went to the hospital for a scan, and the baby was fine. I did bleed for most of my pregnancy,but I have a very healthy 13 year old daughter.
In my second pregnancy, I told her that I was concerned that I didn't want to put on too much weight (thought she might give me some nutritional guidlimes for a healthy pregnancy), and her curt reply was "Well, if you eat too many crisps and cheese, you will put on weight" (I don't know why she mentioned those foods, we hadn't even discussed what I was eating). With my hormones all over the place, I just broke down when I got to the midwife.
When I saw her last week, it was for a coil check. She had almost lost her voice, and was not keen to do much talking. I think she did mutter soemthing about checking the lining of the womb, but I admit I was a bit in shock, and scared to enquire any further.
She also told me off for being negative. She asked me if I wanted to go to the local hospital, or one further afield. I didn't understand why she was asking, so I said "Why, isn't the loacal one very good"? Apparently, drs now have to give patients choices.
Now that I think of it, I remember when my Sister in Law got stomach cancer, I mentioned it to her, and her response was: Well, that isn't usually good news, because by the time it is discovered, the prognosis is very poor. She was right, sister in law was dead within two years (she was 41).
Re sleeping: Sleep is my release, I would sleep all day if I could (not because of fatigue, just to switch off). That is one probelm I haven't got.
Again, I really appreciate all your replies, and I apologise for being so needy. I work in an IT office with all men, and no-one talks to me, so I feel very isolated. Nobody to distract me from all my dark thoughts either. Luckily, no-one has yet noticed the odd tear which spills over.
I really feel like I cannot go on like this.
Up until about 5 weeks ago, I was a normal human being, getting on with life, worrying about money, teenage difficulties, all the usual stuff.
Then I noticed that I was having some strange bowel “experiences”, that had been going on for some time. So I googled it. That seems to be the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it.
Went to the doctors, who ordered some blood tests and a FOB. Started to really panic, so googled some more. Then I found out that changes in bowel habits could be indicative of a gynological cancer. Went back to doctors, blood tests normal, and FOB test negative. Doctor then suggested Barium Enema. More panic.
Panic attacks started to increase. Disturbing thoughts of children watching me die making me cry all the time. Unable to concentrate on anything. Everywhere I look there a re stories about cancer.
Went back to doctors, to tell them I couldn’t cope, and was scared for my sanity. Kindly dr (not my usual one), gave me some Valium. That helped. At first I took 3 a day, but then I realised that they would run out quickly, so I limited myself to one in the evening.
Bowel troubles seemed to calm down (less anxious, I suppose).
Barium enema prep was awful, really strong laxatives. Actual procedure not too bad. However, now my piles have really come back big time, I am in agony. Four days later still have diarrhoea – not sure if that is normal. Now freaking out as wondering if piles and diarrhoea are part of original problem, or merely after effect of barium meal.
Day after Barium Enema, went to have a coil check. Saw usual well woman dr. Told her that I have a small bleed mid cycle, but that I thought that was normal. She just replied – no. Now she is referring me to a gyno dr (god knows when that appointment will come up), so I feel back to square one. Or did she see something that she didn’t want to mention? Even if Barium Enema comes back clear, I could have some sort of womb cancer. Now, I have noticed that my periods are getting closer together. Last one was 24 days ago, and now just started. I think that this has been going on for a few months, but I never really took much notice. Is this relevant?
I’m sorry to make this such a long post, but I feel so hopeless and alone. If it weren’t for my children, I think I would just end it all now. My husband too, has been so supportive, even though he has health issues of his own.
I have a therapy session booked for 4/12, but I don’t know if I can make it until then.
I am 46, and my children are 13 & 12. I adore them, but sometimes I wish that I didn’t have children, because of what will happen to them if I am not around, and they have to watch me die. When they tell me they love me (which is often), it breaks my heart. Keeping up appearances for their sake is so soo hard. All I want to do is lie in a darkened room.
Work is another thing I can’t cope with. I am a Software Engineer (programmer), and I need to concentrate, and I just can’t.
I also despise myself for being such a coward. I think of all of the people who are fighting cancer right now, with dignity & bravery, and I want to give up before it has even started. I want to die now, so that I don’t feel tortured anymore, but that, I know, is so selfish, and contradicts what I said about my girls.
I just feel so lost.
Thank you all for listening, and if anyone can advise me on how to get back from this very dark place, please, please let me know.
I’m so sorry to everyone, please forgive me.
I think your doctor was very mean to speak like that to you, obviously she scored a minus on her bedside technique.
Regarding this feel like dying bit, now that has to stop because as you mentioned there are people who are dying at this minute who wished they could be around for a long time. Someone I know died a few months ago and she was only in her forties.
From the moment we are born we are dying, none of us know from one day to another when our time is up it is a chance we have to take. We could fall down the stairs and break our necks or get run over by a bus........who knows.:shrug:
I know it is easy for me to speak as I don't suffer from HA but it upsets me to hear how distressed you are.
Chin up :flowers::flowers:
Thank you all for your kind replies. It is a great source of comfort to me.
Well woman dr is always like that. She does not pull any punches. Many years ago, when I had my first pregnancy, I started bleeding quite a lot.
When she saw me, she said "Well, I have to tell you that you are almost certainly going to lose the baby". Well, after that I went to the hospital for a scan, and the baby was fine. I did bleed for most of my pregnancy,but I have a very healthy 13 year old daughter.
In my second pregnancy, I told her that I was concerned that I didn't want to put on too much weight (thought she might give me some nutritional guidlimes for a healthy pregnancy), and her curt reply was "Well, if you eat too many crisps and cheese, you will put on weight" (I don't know why she mentioned those foods, we hadn't even discussed what I was eating). With my hormones all over the place, I just broke down when I got to the midwife.
When I saw her last week, it was for a coil check. She had almost lost her voice, and was not keen to do much talking. I think she did mutter soemthing about checking the lining of the womb, but I admit I was a bit in shock, and scared to enquire any further.
She also told me off for being negative. She asked me if I wanted to go to the local hospital, or one further afield. I didn't understand why she was asking, so I said "Why, isn't the loacal one very good"? Apparently, drs now have to give patients choices.
Now that I think of it, I remember when my Sister in Law got stomach cancer, I mentioned it to her, and her response was: Well, that isn't usually good news, because by the time it is discovered, the prognosis is very poor. She was right, sister in law was dead within two years (she was 41).
Re sleeping: Sleep is my release, I would sleep all day if I could (not because of fatigue, just to switch off). That is one probelm I haven't got.
Again, I really appreciate all your replies, and I apologise for being so needy. I work in an IT office with all men, and no-one talks to me, so I feel very isolated. Nobody to distract me from all my dark thoughts either. Luckily, no-one has yet noticed the odd tear which spills over.
Hey rooty tooty,
You are just warn out at the moment!! Now blood tests show a lot and your seem to be fine.
So wait for your results to come back and pop off to see a Gyne. they shall put your mind at rest.
You know, it's probably menopause, how about ya google that instead of life threatening illnesses, but your best not to google at all, it's full of crap and rare diseases.
I'm sure you shall be fine and have many many many many more years to be with your family.:yesyes:
I'll also bet your anxiety is due to hormonal changes too
From google below:
What are the symptoms of menopause?
Menopause affects every woman differently. Your only symptom may be your period stopping. You may have other symptoms, too. Many symptoms at this time of life are because of you getting older. But some are due to menopause. Common symptoms of menopause include:
Change in pattern of periods (can be shorter or longer, lighter or heavier, more or less time between periods)
Hot flashes (sometimes called hot flushes), night sweats (sometimes followed by a chill)
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Vaginal dryness
Mood swings, feeling crabby, crying spells (probably because of lack of sleep)
Trouble focusing, feeling mixed-up or confused
Hair loss or thinning on your head, more hair growth on your face
Rootytooty
18-11-08, 17:52
Many thanks for all the info.
I really cannot google anything. I googled piles to see if I could find some home treatment to ease the searing pain, but guess what word popped up on the first site I saw - yep - CANCER!!! That is the very last time I google any health related matter.
Anyway, after reading all the posts here, I did feel better this pm, even managed to do a couple of small jobs at my desk at work.
But then, at the end of the afternoon, I felt like I had something stuck in my throat, and that I might be a little bit sick. I also felt like there was trapped wind in my stomach, and I needed to burp, but I couldn't. The third thing was a strange sensation under my tongue, hard to even describe it, bit like something pressing upwards from under my tongue.
So now I wonder, were these anxiety symptoms, even though I wasn't feeling anxious? How could this be?
Again, I want to express my gratitude to you all, you are really keeping me going.
:hugs:
Rootytooty
18-11-08, 21:43
I knew it wouldn't last. Feeling low again this evening.
Probably a lot to do with excrutiating pain in my back end. Feels very sore, burning sensation together with sharp knife like pains.
I am assuming it is still piles, exacerbated by last weeks barium enema, but then I have never had any blood on the tissue, so maybe it is something else. Can definitely feel a (sore) lump there when I am in the bath.
Does anyone else have these symptoms?
Hello Rootytooty,
From all you have decribed i am certain the pain and blood on tissue is all connected to piles.
Health anxiety makes us latch onto our symptoms, and we start thinking all sorts of dreadful things, made worse of course be googling. It is extremely difficult to be reassured when we feel like this, and even if we are reassured it doesn't last for long, because the anxiety becomes so entrenched. It will be a good thing when you start your therapy, because it should give you chance to tame the anxiety. meantime, don't google anymore - tempting as it is - because it only makes things a whole lot worse. You will find loads of support on this site from people who understand this condition.
I have piles (now there I've said it) but I cannot see them as they are inside and they are very tiny and left over from when I had my son who was a forceps delivery 20+ years ago.
Every so often they will flare up and the pain in my lower back is agonising they also don't bleed but they are there.
Don't worry, have you tried some of the creams that are around?
Rootytooty
19-11-08, 06:36
Hi,
no, I haven't tried any creams - a bit scared to (don't know why). I am becoming scared of everything - I changed to Tampons last night, as I thought that the towels and extra moisture (sorry, tmi again!) may be making painful piles even worse.
Then I started to worry that Tampon would do something awful to me!!
I had a forceps delivery too - baby was facing wrong way round (back of head against my spine). Have had mild piles for years, but nothing along this scale!!!
Stilll having vrey loose bowel movements, so at least there is no constipation.
Hi,
no, I haven't tried any creams - a bit scared to (don't know why). I am becoming scared of everything - I changed to Tampons last night, as I thought that the towels and extra moisture (sorry, tmi again!) may be making painful piles even worse.
Then I started to worry that Tampon would do something awful to me!!
I had a forceps delivery too - baby was facing wrong way round (back of head against my spine). Have had mild piles for years, but nothing along this scale!!!
Stilll having vrey loose bowel movements, so at least there is no constipation.
Stop! How can you be scared of haemorrhoid cream? Do you know that some models put it under the eyes to get rid of wrinkles?:D
Have you asked the doctor to look at them they might need treatment?
Another thing is everyone has different pain thresholds, I am quite tough (until it comes to dental pain) but I think it is because I hate being ill. I am a trained nurse and loved it very much but I hate being a patient myself as I am afraid of missing something. So perhaps they are not as bad as you think they are.:flowers:
Rootytooty
19-11-08, 08:19
Trixie
I'm so sorry, I am so useless.
I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm scared of bacon, talking to people, not talking to people, toilets, the list goes on. I know I am pathetic.
I used to be a very capabke working mother, now if I say my own name out loud, I don't even recognise it. I thnk I have gone mad.
I was supposed to be at work 5 mins ago, and I am sat here in my dressing gown with mascara all down my cheeks. the house is a tip, and I can't think about Christmas
Why can't I just get a grip?
No you are not pathetic just scared, we are all scared of something. I am scared that my cats will be ill and I won't know what to do (especially at Christmas time):weep:
Can you think what started you down this road of being frightened?
Rootytooty
19-11-08, 08:41
I think it was having changes in my bowel habits. I started to have urgent bm. At first I didn't think anything of it, just that I was getting older. TehnI had a few days of diarrhea. Thrn one day I felt a real urgency and there was mucus as well.
I passed no blood, and I never really had much abdominal pain.
Anyway I googled it, and of course the c word came screaming back at me. About 3 people I know have been diagnosed with cancer in the last 3 months (lung, throat and Hodgkins). Then everywhere I looked there was someone with cancer.
My husband has M.E, and so I do mostly everything - he doesn't drive. I started to think about how they would cope after I'm gone. Also, I didn't want them to watch me die - they don't deserve that. the weight of responsibility suddenly seemed so much.
I have very irrational thoughts, like, if I don't give to every charity, then I will be punished (I have for many years had a DD set up for Cancer research, ironically).
I don't seem able to zone in on anything positive (like my blood tests being normal), but the slightest perceived negative thing is screaming at me in my head (eg. piles).
Before I could never understand why people commited suicide, but now I know how you can be locked in your own private torture.
I even thought about making my kids not like me, so they wont be so upset if I die.
Hmm I really feel that you may be going through the menopause and this is messing with your HORMONES giving you SEVERE HEALTH ANXIETY.
You should buy at test at a chemist to test to see if you are indeed going through menopause.
Then speak to your Dr about the anxiety and have him/her treat it so you can get better.
You really need to focus on the cause not the symptoms, your also most likely to be having the runs because you are worried, it upsets your stomach and will carry on until you stop the worry.
MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR DR that this anxiety has just popped up and you would like to know what's going on.
Hugs
Rootytooty
19-11-08, 17:55
Thank you to you all.
I may go to a chemist, I didn't realise you could get a test for menopause!
Managed to clean the kitchen a bit tonight, and make dinner for family - I feel like I have really achieved something.
Feeling a bit better, pain is not as intense as yesterday.
Hope I can stay like this all evening.
thank you all so much again.
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