Please help...Don't know what to do!?

[lucy030188]

Hi
Those who know me will probably know that my anxiety began when my nan had a stroke infront of me 3 months ago! Since then I have felt constantly sick pretty much all of the time....with it getting worse when I go out, go to uni, or go somewhere unfamiliar.

Anyway, basically my boyfriend has asked me to go to Cornwall with him and his mom and dad just after christmas and for new year (a week).....the other day I plucked up the courage to tell him that I didn't want to go because of all the university work I had, and having time off from it for that long. Anyway, since then, his mom and dad have written me a letter (I think its meant to be jokey but at the moment I can't see it like that)....It's basically willing me to go with them and says that if I still decline the invite they want reasons.

So now I am basically torn....and in tears at the moment! I really don't want to go....not just because of my work, but for many reasons. The family don't know anything about my anxiety and I really don't want to burden them or myself by feeling ill for the week.....my sister and friends are back from university for the holiday and i really want to spend time with them....and my mom is off work for 2 weeks and i wont get to spend anytime with her if I go!

So basically I really don't know what to do =( and its making my anxiety worse. I know that if i don't go....my bf won't go either and then his parents will be annoyed with me etc.....but then if I do go, I am only going because I feel bad!

Please help...at the moment I am just at the stage where I can't stop crying! I know its silly....but this anxiety has done uncontrollable things to me =(

Thanks x

[samc100]

Hugs....

Personally I think you should do what you want to do and that is not go to Cornwall.
Write a letter back telling his parents it's a lovely invite and it's a shame you can't go but due to Uni work and other family commitments already made you can't fit it in.

You do not owe them reasons. If you do not want to go then you don't want to go. You didn't decide to book it - they did.

I think if you go you might cause yourself more stress because of Uni work.

Your bf can go with his parents if he wants - he's a big boy and can make his own decisions ( seems to me his parents are almost blackmailing you into going....?? I think they know if you don't go he won't so are trying to make you go).

YOU are not responsible for if he goes or not. I have sneaky feeling he'd rather be hanging out with his mates over his Xmas hols than with his parents in Cornwall?

At the moment I don't think it is the time to be telling his parents about your anxiety... I think you need to do some work yourself on getting help for it first... Have you spoken to your GP? Are you doing any breathing exercises, relaxation techniques etc? You can really help yourself with this - it's not the end, you just need to find a way of coping with it and you will improve.

If your anxiety levels are high you need to do what makes you feel the most comfortable. I think a relaxing Christmas catching up with friends and Uni work and having time with your mum is what your heart needs right now - not on best behaviour with BF's ma & pa.

[lucy030188]

Thank you, I agree with everything you said really!

To be honest....I don't really think they give a s*** about me....they are only trying to make me go because if I don't then he probably won't either. I suppose this makes me feel worse because I feel like its my responsibility.

I have seen my GP, a psychiatric nurse and I have my first CBT session this week. I just think at the moment, however small an issue, everything sends me into worry! I know if I say i'll go, I will spend the next month worrying about it....feeling sick, and generally being really upset.

Thank you for your advice....I just hope sometime soon I can get rid of these feelings! Normally I am so bubbly, outgoing and up for anything.....its completely changed me, and I hate the way I feel so out of control!

Thanks againx

[marie1974]

hi matey i strongly believe u have to do wot u want to do and dont go because of them else u will regret it.

i would write back mayb and b honest with them, tell themn wot u told us and also that u want to see your family etc, if after that they dont understand then thats there problem not yours, hopefully though they will accept and understand.

u make sure u have a happy xmas and im so sorry about your nan, no wonder u feel so anxious, talking about this will help u and also try to keep busy and not think to much.
hugs xxx

[lucy030188]

I am trying to be happy, I really am! It just seems every time something positive happens, I get a set back! My self esteem has virtually gone, and I really dislike myself!

It's my 21st birthday the day after they want to come back from cornwall, and at the moment I am dreading it! Its my 21st for gods sake....I should be out partying etc....instead I just don't care about it! I just don't know how to help myself anymore i really don't!

Thanks both of you for being so kind! xx

[marie1974]

hey things will get better honest matey, once your cbt starts that will help loads, i had that for 5 months and helped me lots.

you may need some meds for a while if u depressed, i was on prozac yrs ago for awhile until i decided i would come off them and they really did lift my mood.

sometimes we have got to be abit selfish and think of ourselves matey, cbt will teach u this but when u feeling this awful u have to put yourself first and if people around u dont like this then its there problem.

im sure by time its your 21st u will have thought of something u want to do, if not no big deal go for a meal or something, but just relax and focus on you hun.

[lucy030188]

Thank you....I really appreciate the advise =)...just wish I could put it into practise a bit more!
You are all brill!

[Cherbear]

At the end of the day hun you are a grown up and so its your boyfriend, if you don't want to go to his parents after Christmas then no one can make you! You have genuine reasons which you can explain to them. If they don't understand then it is not your problem...you have every right to want to spend your Christmas with your friends and family!!

huge hugs xxx

[bumbles]

Big hugs Lucy Do what you want that is the most important thing when you are feeling like this. XXXXX

[bumbles]

Big hugs Lucy Do what you want that is the most important thing when you are feeling like this. XXXXX

[alihud]

Hey lucy wucy woo,hope we've all helped and please try not to worry too much,life is full of problems like these,its how we learn to deal with them thats the key.You know what you've gotta do hun and from when we talked earlier you've done the best thing.Be strong with them and do what is right for you:yesyes:
Ali xxxx

[Purple Fish]

:hugs: Hey Juicy!!

You`ve had some great replies and everyone is so right. You do what feels right for you it`s all part of the healing process and what makes you feel better. You don`t have to answer to anyone but yourself - be strong and stand your ground! :lac: You`ll come out the other side and feel better and stronger for it.

Speak soon xx

Tanya xx

[lucy030188]

Thanks for everyones replies....i finally plucked up the courage to write a letter back to his parents explaining why I didnt want to go!
Hopefully they don't hate me....
Thanks everyone though xxxx

[samc100]

Well done Lucy - they won't hate you. They may not like the fact you are not going but that is their issue and not yours. They shouldn't be so controlling....

Have a happy Christmas !!! Hee hee

[redballoons]

hi
If you dont want to go you dont have to. your boyfriends parents probably are not trying to upset you - if they dont know the real reason for you not going then they probably just think they are having a joke or something.

parents in law can be like that my MIL favourite saying is " we didnt have time for depression when I was young!". She is lovely - she just doesnt know that i suffer from depression and anxiety! does your boyfriend know the real reason why you dont want to go? depending on how long you have been with him and how serious the relationship is the best thing might be to explain to him and then he can throw hi parents of by backing your excuse etc? I know my husband is great at either helping me through or if it is really too much getting me out of things.

sophie