time for my story (a long one sorry)

[jindivik]

my anxiety started about a year and a half ago now......i was getting very annoyed at stuff so decided to try weed to "calm me down"....biggest mistake of my life i think...never really had it before then...but instantly i had the biggest panic attack known to man

after that for about a week i was having constant panic attacks, one after the other...had to leave work early a couple of times, docs prescibed me chlorpromazine and referred me to a counsellor, which i didnt continue with.

after about another week i managed to overcome it and felt almost like my old self...still very anxious every now and then but no panic attacks...so i didnt think i needed the counselling because the pill had "cured" me.


anyway...between then and about 2 weeks ago everything had been pretty stable....onlyhad about 2 major panic attacks but managed to control them and thankfully i didnt relapse frommy first time.


anyway....up until the last 2 weeks like i said, i was fine...but then one night out of the blue i got a god awful feeling of anxiety on the bus on the way to my girlfriends, felt ok that night but then theday after, we were due to go to a gig but i couldn't face it...was feeling very anxious about the social situation i think, all the people being there...just general worry, so we didnt go

the next night i started to think the worst thoughts id ever had...what if i hurt my girlfriend..i would NEVER do that....but what if i did?

thoughts like this have been going on now the past 2 weeks.... ill also occasionally think.. "what if somethings got into my food?" or i'll be buying something from the shop and think someone has possibly spiked it with drugs....

i've had little thoughts about this in the past but the last 2 weeks has been the worst...it's lowered my appetite a considerable amount...i think it probably has something to do with how the weed make me feel in the first place (i didn't get the feeling i expected, instead of the chilled out "stoned" feeling i had EXTREME confusion, didn't know where i was and hallucinations)

i recognise these thoughts as absolutely bogus but they still worry me

its really upsetting me when i think about my girlfriend...instead ofthinking how much i love her, the anxiety kicks in which sets off the thoughts of what if i hurt her, or what if i go completely nuts and end up splitting us up?

she's my everything....i've been with her for almost 3 years and don't think i would survive without her

i'm REALLY scared of this sounding like OCD because that scares me...my sister had a pretty bad episode a few years ago, she seems to be coping a lot better with it though, i just feel like if it is OCD there will be no hope for me :weep: or even with the anxiety i feel pretty hopeless



i went to my docs yesterday, i tried to explain my sympoms and that i thought i had OCD, she made me fill out a chart and said that i had depression, which i don't think i have, i went through some depression a few years ago when my mum died and it doesnt feel like i did then. she gave me citalopram (10mg/day) to start and booked me in to see her again next week...where my dose will also be upped to 20mg


can anyone offer me any advice to my symptoms? to calm my worry that i'm not going insane and these thouhts are normal?.the thoughts of my girlfriend are the most disturbing.....i don't want to lose her but am constantly worried that i will do!

thanks

[jindivik]

thanks tet, can anyone help me feel a little better?

[Asha1979]

Hi Jindvink. I want you to know that I know EXACTLY what you are going through with the obsessional thoughts. I promise that this is all about to change for you. Very soon you are going to be able to enjoy being relaxed and in control. When we start citalopram we are in such an anxious depressed manic state that we often find it hard to believe that the tablets will work but while your going through this let me give you some reassurance. This medication has been scientifically proven to increase the levels of seretonin in your brain and thats why your doctor has prescribed it to you. The medication needs to build up in your brain in order for it to start working. 15 days is not a long time to wait but I know when you are feeling this way it can seem like a lifetime. I can remember looking at the clock constantly not being able to sit still just a bundle of nerves, anxiety and depression. All I can advise you is to not google citalopram as you will find stories of people that it did not suit but that is a tiny minority of people. I made the mistake of looking up citalopram on google and other search engines and you can understand when you are already feeling this anxious it doesn't take alot to make it worse. You cannot die from anxiety. What you are feeling you are not the first. I can also advise you to try and stay out of the bed. I lived in the bed from january to march basically and in march when I began taking my citalopram I made myself get up out of the bed, forced myself to. I will be checking in on this a few times a day so please get back to me with any questions or anything you would like help with. Let me help you as you come through this and I PROMISE YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS. I have and 10 days off the citalopram I am back to how I was before I ever had anxiety. Just Trust me please its going to work for you. You will soon be online giving advise and helping others when you get though it. You will not hurt your girlfriend this is all pure anxiety. give the tablets time to work and THEY WILL. For now, just relax.x

[jindivik]

thanks you so much, i made the mistake of looking up all the nasty side effects already :(

i'm just very worried about everything....... i read other stories and they help but they also make me think if i'm like that too....i've read about paranoid people being worried abou their food being poisoned and stuff..then i worry that i'm like that too!...... got a couple more hours until i can take my second citalopram, girlfriend gets back from work soon too so thats not too bad.

just thinking.if worse comes to dire worse, what will the crisis team do if i feel i need to ring them? i've read a little and it says theyll asess you there and then and give you a home plan of how to try keep your mind off it until you can be seen by a regular psychiatrist, am i right with this?

it also says some people need to be taken into hospital... i don't think i'm this extreme but the thought scares me, i don't think i'd cope with being taken away :(

[marie1974]

hi and welcome to nmp, im sure you will find lots of help and advice here and make new friends too. hugs xxxxxxx

[milly jones]

a warm welcome to no more panic

milly xx

[jindivik]

just took my second dose of citalopram.fingers crossed!

[mini_mog]

hello again:) i can completely relate to what you said about googling citalopram. it was the first thing i did when i got back from the doctors and i was really quite anxious about what i read. i think theres probably more success stories than negative ones out there but unfortunately the negative ones seem to get written about more.

i dont know much about the crisis team, but i was at a point where i felt i needed to ring them on the worst weekend i had with the anxiety. i didnt but its reassuring to know they are there should they be needed. i dont know where to get the contact details from tho.

i agree with everything asha said, there is light at the end of the tunnel:) and also, try to keep yourself busy and avoid situations where you will just be sitting and dwelling on being anxious. thats the reason i avoided taking time off sick from work and have been keeping myself busy at weekends. at my worst i found i couldnt even settle whilst watching tv or reading, but this does get better with the meds. i also carry around a bottle of bach's rescue remedy in my bag for when i feel i need to calm down a bit.

[weeble40]

Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,

Take care

Emma xxx

[lorac]

Hi

Welcome to the site I am sure you will get lots of good advice and support on here.

Take care

Carol

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[pooh]

Hi there and welcome along to NMP

Pooh x