Really need some support today please!

[jellybean43]

Hi
I am feeling really low today. I first starting suffering with HA last October after i discovered a swelling above my right clavicle. I had just moved house and was feeling totally stressed out after a really long drawn out house sale etc.
Anyhow, I convinced myself(after googling) that i had lymphoma. I had to register at a new GPS(loved my old doctor so i found that really hard) and when i got there he said he couldnt feel anything but would send me for a chest X ray to make sure and do loads of blood tests(this was Xmas last year!!!).
I totally freaked out and when i got the all clear he then a brought another doctor in to double check(as he could see my panic!!). I still wasnt convinced and decided that that doctor had made me worse(always suffered from GA and my old GP knew this which this doctor obviously didnt) and went back in April to see another GP at the practice. He felt everything and said i was ok----by then i had convinced myself i could feel "something" under my arm and in my groin.
Anyway, he put me on propranalol and these just made me itch. I went back and said that i was now suffering from itching and this was another symptom of lymphoma. He said it was either the tablets(which when i stopped them the itching stopped!!) or anxiety. He then referred me for CBT.
I had to wait 6 months for CBT and started in September. I have done really well at this but this last week everything has gone to pot!!
I feel that i can cope with the counselling(which is very intense as anyone doing CBT will appreciate) IF I have nothing stressful going on in my life.
Last Friday my parents came through(see my last post please) and cos i havent seen them for ten years til last Xmas it is very stressful. I then had a busy weekend and lo and behold on Sunday evening i got a migraine. I have suffered migraines since i was 14 and they are no way as bad as they used to be. The GP has me on Pizotifen daily and a wafer (maxalt) when they start(been on these years and the migraine really isnt a major worry just a huge inconvenience!!!).. I can usually nip them in the bud now but they do leave me feeling drained. So, today i have got up and feel back to square one.
I am now convinced my bottom lip looks swollen(despite OH telling me it is normal) and when i googled this(why the heck did i do that?????) I see that that could be a symptom of lymphoma!!!!
I was doing sooooo well. I have to see the councellor on Friday and i know he will be suprised that i have had a major setback as i am sure i appeared to be doing really well. I have sat here all morning crying and just wishing i felt normal.
Please can anyone advise me.
I dont know whether to go back to my GP and tell him i still think i have lymphoma or just continue with the councelling?????Sorry to go on---I have no one else to turn to as no one understands. They just think that i am having councelling and will be ok!!!!
Thanks everyone xxx

[thoughts and actions]

hey

Firstly no matter who you are, where you are or what your are- we all have bad days- even the fittest and most healthiest people- they all have bad days.

I completely appreciate where you are coming from- from reading your post it all relates to fear and stress- your fearful that you have lymphoma, scared that you have lymphoma- your lip could just be chapped coz of the cold or if youve been anx could be biting it and not realsing but unfortuantely with health anxiety we dont think of the most probably solution- we think the worst - the most catatrophic and its then that the fear hits us, change our moods and thats what brings on anxiety and panic.

Think about how many good days youve had over the last year and your having a couple of bad- as hard as it is youve got to tell yourself that you are getting better and will get better- but youve lived so long with these thoughts and processes that it will take time to chagne them but what your experiencing now is normal - am not going to call it a set back or relapse coz its not- we all experience dips in health anx recovery- ill be suprised if your pyshcologist is suprised- its amasing how many people go through what youve gone through- and anyway whats so wrong about having a few off days- what you have to focus on now is getting your mind into the getting yourself better again.

My advise - what do you think you would gain from going to GP, if they tell you its not lymphoma then is that going to make you better? Probably not coz i do the exact same i want to go n they say oh its fine youve got this or that - take a pill and youll be "normal" again - if you really feel your lip needs to be seen by a doctor then go- but if you feel you want to go to the doctor to be tiold whether you have lymphoma or not then dont (if you see what i mean) ensure you are going fo rthe correct reasons and not just clarity - although its easy for me to say i went to the docs every monday for 2 montsh with something new and i am not joking lol. Im teeling you that coz i watn u 2 know i know where u r coming from .

Defo keep on the with couselling though- in if u like reading try reading a book called "the worry cure" by dr robert leary- theres a fab section in there abotu health anx and gives you CBT worksheets on how to cure it and differnt throughts etc.

xxx

[london]

if you had lymphoma it would show in a blood test , please dont worry
wish you better

[gtrgrl3369]

I think it would be best just to see your therapist. The doctor has given you the all clear so you know deep down that there is nothing physically wrong any where. When we get alot of upheaval in our lives like you have lately, it can lead to a setback. Sometimes all we need is to talk to someone and get it all off our chest. You do need to stop googling though as nothing good comes out of that. If you feel the need to look up symptoms, look them up here on this forum. It will make you feel bette that someone else has gone through what you are and it was nothing serious. I feel for you that you have no support at home, but always remember that there are people here who will listen and do really care what happens. Take care honey and remember that this is only a setback and will get better.

[jellybean43]

Hi
Thank you everyone for the great replies. I am feeling a bit better now!!I think i have to realise that never every day is going to be a "good" day and that i am going to still feel rubbish some days!!! My councellor said that if he can get me 50% better it will have been successful!!I think i have to accept this.
I just have days when i think OMG it is nearly a year since i had the blood tests and X ray and what if things have got worse and it would show up now?? I dont know why such thoughts keep getting in my head-----as i know that by now i would certainly be feeling poorly!!!
Thanks everyone xxx