kitty_boom
18-11-08, 17:10
Hi Everyone I am new here and would like to introduce myself, I am a 26 yr old girl and have been suffering with HA for what seems like my whole life. I've been relying on this forum for comfort the last week or so and thought it was time I said hello, rather than just lurking! :D
I was trying to think where my health obsession started and I realised that I have had this from a very young age, when I was about 7 until I was about 8 I was petrified I had a tape worm, no idea where I got such a notion from but I wouldn't eat much incase it fed the worm, sounds silly but it was terrifying and this was my first proper 'obsession', I seemed to have blocked this out until I remembered it recently. After the tape worm from about the age of 9 or 10 I was sure I had a brain tumor, as I got very bad migraines (which turned out to be my sinuses lol).Then came the bone cancer fear which I had for most of my teenage years, I was so convinced I had it, as I got growing pains, and cried myself to sleep countless times.
I can see now I planted the anxiety seed very very young, anyone else remember when there HA first started?? Through uni I was mostly ok, but I did slowly start to get a horrible fear of my heartbeat and this is now what dominates my life and every waking thought. I have been diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation of the chest wall muscles, but harmless) which causes me a lot of pain at times, horrible twinges of pain right over my heart, but I am still sure I have an undiagnosed heart condition and will just drop dead. My brain cannot escape this thought, it is totally all consuming. When I get dressed in the morning I make sure I look nice, with clean undies ect.. in case I die that day. Its a horrible way to live I know, and I need my brain re-wired.
Anyone else here have costo? I also get very breathless (I think this started when I read it is a symptom of heart failure, funnily enough). I have been better last few months but now I feel I am right back at square one. I have horrible panic attacks and in the last year I have been to hospital in an ambulance a few times and had a lot of ecg's and blood tests (all normal) but why does this fear never ever leave me??? I once got myself so worked up by heart rate went up to 210 bmp, and the ambulance guy looked really worried and I think this is also haunting me.
I;m really starting to think the only way I can feel better is to have ne of those heart scan thingies the ones that show the heart in 3d i'd have to save up though as the heart one is about £500 I think, but I think I really need it, when I think of my heart I picture it all black and shrivelled like Mr burn's heart in that Simpson's episode! I feel I cannot rest until I see it with my own eyes that it is not all infected or cancer ridden or with missing bits! :ohmy:
Has anyone here ever had one of these scans???? I think they are called lifescan or something? Am I being totally irrational? I know I am but I want some sort of peace :-( Why can I not accept that the ecgs I have had and doctors (I have seen about 8 doctors in a few months) would detect if I had heart trouble. and I feel sad the CBT has not really worked for me.
I think this fear is made so much worse by the fact we cant see our hearts, same with brain tumor fears ect..Also I find that anxiety, especially HA is like the chicken or the egg question, which comes first? Is it the anxiety or the pain cause most of the time I cannot tell!
Sorry for the super long post but I would love to hear about everyone's story that got them here and especially if anyone has a particular health concern, would love some reassurance.
Thanks for any replies!!!!!
I was trying to think where my health obsession started and I realised that I have had this from a very young age, when I was about 7 until I was about 8 I was petrified I had a tape worm, no idea where I got such a notion from but I wouldn't eat much incase it fed the worm, sounds silly but it was terrifying and this was my first proper 'obsession', I seemed to have blocked this out until I remembered it recently. After the tape worm from about the age of 9 or 10 I was sure I had a brain tumor, as I got very bad migraines (which turned out to be my sinuses lol).Then came the bone cancer fear which I had for most of my teenage years, I was so convinced I had it, as I got growing pains, and cried myself to sleep countless times.
I can see now I planted the anxiety seed very very young, anyone else remember when there HA first started?? Through uni I was mostly ok, but I did slowly start to get a horrible fear of my heartbeat and this is now what dominates my life and every waking thought. I have been diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation of the chest wall muscles, but harmless) which causes me a lot of pain at times, horrible twinges of pain right over my heart, but I am still sure I have an undiagnosed heart condition and will just drop dead. My brain cannot escape this thought, it is totally all consuming. When I get dressed in the morning I make sure I look nice, with clean undies ect.. in case I die that day. Its a horrible way to live I know, and I need my brain re-wired.
Anyone else here have costo? I also get very breathless (I think this started when I read it is a symptom of heart failure, funnily enough). I have been better last few months but now I feel I am right back at square one. I have horrible panic attacks and in the last year I have been to hospital in an ambulance a few times and had a lot of ecg's and blood tests (all normal) but why does this fear never ever leave me??? I once got myself so worked up by heart rate went up to 210 bmp, and the ambulance guy looked really worried and I think this is also haunting me.
I;m really starting to think the only way I can feel better is to have ne of those heart scan thingies the ones that show the heart in 3d i'd have to save up though as the heart one is about £500 I think, but I think I really need it, when I think of my heart I picture it all black and shrivelled like Mr burn's heart in that Simpson's episode! I feel I cannot rest until I see it with my own eyes that it is not all infected or cancer ridden or with missing bits! :ohmy:
Has anyone here ever had one of these scans???? I think they are called lifescan or something? Am I being totally irrational? I know I am but I want some sort of peace :-( Why can I not accept that the ecgs I have had and doctors (I have seen about 8 doctors in a few months) would detect if I had heart trouble. and I feel sad the CBT has not really worked for me.
I think this fear is made so much worse by the fact we cant see our hearts, same with brain tumor fears ect..Also I find that anxiety, especially HA is like the chicken or the egg question, which comes first? Is it the anxiety or the pain cause most of the time I cannot tell!
Sorry for the super long post but I would love to hear about everyone's story that got them here and especially if anyone has a particular health concern, would love some reassurance.
Thanks for any replies!!!!!