i need to overcome this

[crazycat1965]

Hi. My boyfriends job involves him once or maybe twice a year, going away on business. Usually for between 4-7 days. My problem is that I fall to pieces when he is not here. I find I can't relax, I figit about, I pace up and down and generally and uptight and anxious.

I tell myself over and over again that I won't let it happen but every time it does and it's getting me down. He is going abroad on sunday and I'm trying to be strong but I'm already anxious and not looking forward to sunday one bit. Please can anyone help me to manage my problem ? I would dearly love to breeze through the days he is away and be relaxed.

Many thanks

[Jayne]

Hi crazycat.
Sorry to hear your problem, I used to be the same! The thing I found most useful is to try not to let your world revolve around on thing, or in your case, one person. It is not easy, but I'll try to explain and see if it helps.
Draw yourself a grid, with 9 boxes, then put each important part of your life into each of the 9 boxes. So, your boyfriend would be in one box, family in another, work in another and friends in another and so on. Then when something from one of the boxes is missing, you still have eight left to focus on! (blimey! I do hope this is making sense!).
It takes a bit of practice, but I found it quite useful. It's not healthy for us to be so dependant on someone or something in our lives, because if anything happens to that thing or person, then our world falls apart and it need'nt be like this. Your happiness comes from within you!
I do hope this is helpful. Take care.
Love, Jayne x [8D]

J. Morris

[crazycat1965]

Thanks. I hadn't thought of the fact that I am too dependent on his company - what a wally ! It makes sense now though. He isn't around so I miss him and hence the chain of events.

I guess some of it is that I do not like being on my own, I need people around me. If someone is with me, the symptoms disappear, and I am fine. But I don't want someone with me all the time, I need to face up to the problem and neither do I want people knowing what a wimp I am. The next step I guess is learning to coping with being on my own and overcoming the lonliness.

Mind, what hasn't helped this time is that it's only been 3 weeks since my father died and I have had a couple of panic attacks, and I'm frightened I might have one triggered off with him going away. Still, at least I can come here and talk which will help.

xx

[Alton]

Hi. I have the same problem. I have certain "safe people" that I like to be around me or that I know will be there quickly if I need them. I have this with people at work and friends at home. What doesn't help is that my boyfriend works with me so he fits into both boxes! He is also going away for a week on Saturday and a friend that has been staying with me for a few weeks is going home next Wednesday. On top of that my other friends are going to Glastonbury on Thursday! Quite a week! I decided that I am going to go back home with my friend on Wednesday (she lives in my home town where my parents are) and come back on Monday when I know everyone will be back. I know I should stay and face my fears but I just can't cope with ALL of it at the same time. But now I have to face the train journey which I am really scared about. Last time I got one I panicked for an hour and I don't want to go through that again. So it is either I stay and have no one around me or I face a journey I know I find hard. These times are really difficult as I feel trapped because neither is an easy option.

Sorry - I've waffled there but basically what I'm trying to say is that I understand. I think crazycats idea is great and I will be doing this too.

If you want to PM me then feel free. We will both be missing important people at the same time.

[Alton]

Sorry - Imeant Jaynes idea with the boxes is good. See- I can't even concentrate on names at the moment!!!!!!!!!

[BrandyK]

Hi, My Fiance' goes away about 2-3 times a year or more. and he is gone for about 14-17 days each time. I find that the first couple days are hard but then it gets easier. I find it harder by staying home alone stewing over it too.

So maybe go visit friends and family and keep yourself busy!

Brandyxx

[crazycat1965]

hi, thanks for all your replies.

I don't unfortunately have any family around here, they live on the other side of the country. Also, since I moved here about 4 years ago, I don't have any friends as such and the only one I do have is coming around on monday night ( she knows about my anxiety ).

Still, I'm going to take it one day at a time, try and relax during the evenings, which is the worst time as work takes my mind off it, and look forward to thursday night when he's back :o)

God, isn't insecurity a silly thing ? I'm sure that's what causes in my case.

[BrandyK]

If you want to talk feel free and PM me...

Brandyxx

[Meg]

crazy cat

Have plans for each day.

One may be doing the shopping in the evening which will take up a bit of time, others could include trying to meet someone new or going to a drop in yoga class or taking yourself off for a walk or to the gym.

The reason you like people round you when you're nervous is they bring distraction and thats takes you out of your own thought pattern.

Jaynes grid is great. We all need to build a tapestry of life so we don't become dependent on any one person to forfil our needs.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Alton]

I tried the grid and hit a problem - I couldn't fill the boxes!!!! Realised that I need to get a hobby. What do other people put in theirs?

[henri]

hello crazy cat,
i think it is normal to feel anxious about the fact that your boyfriend will be away for a few days. i also hate being alone for long periods of time and especially overnight - when i know it's going to happen, i just try to think of things to do to keep me busy and tire me out so that when my head hits the pillow i just fall asleep.
log on here in the evenings and we'll all keep you distracted for hours!
henri x

[BrandyK]

Hi, Are you feeling any better?

Brandyxx

[crazycat1965]

hi folks

wow, so nice to see so many posts on this thread. Thanks for your tips etc. Am taking on board the keeping busy thing, so I'm deliberately leaving the kids bedrooms in a mess today, and am going to make a point of gutting them on sunday :o)

I have also got a new game for the pc - called rollercoaster tycoon and it gets you absorbed and you lose time on it, so that will be played at night lol

anyways, if i hit a sticky patch, will deffo log on here and vent my spleen as they say.

thanks
xx

[chucklehound]

wen my hubby spent a few mth in the hospital i ad to spend the days alone wen my son was at school and at night when he was asleep i got thoughts about wot if i lose control and harm him. but by worrying about it i can see now that i made it worse. Try not to worry and look 4wad to his return...

All the best

Feel free pm me if you want to chat

steno -x-

[pips]

Hi crazy cat,

Just to say if ever your lonley or wanna chat feel free to pm me.

I hope you manage to cope with out you hubby. Good luck with buliding your rollercoaster!!!!

Take care,

Love PIP'S X X

[crazycat1965]

well, I'm pleased to say that so far so good :)

yesterday was difficult, as he left here sunday morning, and i was very restless all day and night but he did contact me in the evening to tell me about the hotel etc so that was nice.

am feeling much better today. I think the worst is over as I had all day yesterday to think about it and get a bit bored. I have too much to do during the weekdays to get bored.

Thanks for your messages, I think it really helped posting on here as I feel so calm compared to usual - strange but it's worked for me.

life is a journey - travel it well