View Full Version : Another crisis
Sorry but I really am not coping today. I feel so low I just feel like giving up. The culmination of several things has just pushed me too far down and I don't know how to keep going.
The final straw was this afternoon when I had a message from K. She told me she is tied up with family matters for the next three days, so I won't hear from her until Monday.
I was already struggling and now this is just one thing too much to cope with. I cannot get through the next three days without her. I feel my life is over.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi there sorry that you are feelin like this today
but if you want to chat feel free to pm me i mean it
leanne
Maybe you can hang with family for a couple days!
and maybe spend sometime in the chat room!
That always helps me!
Brandyxxxx
Thanks Leanne and Brandy
Spending time with my family will not help Brandy. It would just make things worse.
Nothing will help. Just feel like giving up now. My life is worthless anyway and everyone would be better off without me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Your life is not worthless by any means and who on earth would be better off without you?
You have a gorgeous little niece who will grow up to know what a kind and caring auntie she has. Your life will definately not be worthless in her eyes.
At the moment you are at rock bottom with no light at the end of your tunnel. The depression and most probably the anorexia, are making you feel that there is nothing to live for. But, with the right help, both of these conditions can be overcome. You will then feel able to strive for bigger and better things, to realise that you are as good as the next person and that you no longer have to apologise for simply being you.
When you are feeling as down as you are, every little problem seems like another massive hurdle to get over. Everything is too much effort, every little challenge seems like a mountain to climb.
You have got through K not being around in the past but I'm guessing that on top of everything else that is going on at the moment it is the final straw.
But, Karen, you can get through the next few days, although it will undoubtably be a struggle bearing in mind how you are feeling already. I know that you don't feel like doing anything at all but the way to make the time go faster is to aim to do several very small things everyday.
The weather is supposed to be good for the next few days. Although I know that you said that you aren't too keen on gardening, could you not make it your new hobby?Once you start getting interested in it, you might surprise yourself and even start enjoying yourself.
I love being in the garden and at this time of year have got my hanging baskets up and my bedding plants in. I love so much just wandering around the garden, doing nothing really except admiring all the plants!
Sorry, I've gone on a bit and off topic really but I am just trying to find something that would absorb you and give you something enjoyable and constructive to fill your time over the next few days.
Please don't think of giving up, Karen. No one would be better off without you, your life is precious and you are as important as the next person.
Thinking of you
Lots of Love
Kate xxx
Thanks for your reply Kate.
You are right that hearing that K won't be in touch is the final straw when everything already feels completely hopeless to me. I also realise it is only three days which probably doesn't sound like much to some people, however it might as well be 3 months or 3 years with the way I am feeling at the moment.
I just don't think I've got any fight left in me. I think I've brought all these problems on myself and it is my own fault I am feeling so dreadful now. I also believe I am causing those around me to be worried about me and I hate myself for that, which is why I do believe everyone would be better off without me.
Some people talk about the anorexia trying to kill me and I now wonder why I even bother to try to prevent it happening. I feel like just giving in to it and letting it win. The only thing that has stopped me from making attempts to end my own life is the guilt I feel at the hurt I would cause people, but I know there will come a point I'll go past and maybe this won't be enough to stop me.
I do understand what you are saying about getting into gardening to keep myself occupied, and it is great that your garden gives you so much pleasure. I only have a really small garden, with just a few pots that do need new bedding plants. But I don't see the point in doing anything about it. The way things are going I could well lose this house soon anyway, or be forced to sell up. Just another worry on top of everything else, but the thing is that I don't really even care anymore.
I do appreciated everything you have said Kate and thank you for saying it. I just can't see my way through this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
16-06-05, 20:07
Karen
I am not going to say "Hang on in there" cos I always say that I don't think it is very constructive anymore.
K will always have things to do that involve going away and obviously she has holidays etc as well.
It must be really hard on here as well cos she knows how you will be when she tells you that she has to go away and I am sure she knows that it will make you even worse. However, she cannot give up her life either.
Please try to spare a thought for her and how it must be hard for her too. She knows that each time she goes away you will be thinking about ending your life and that must be hard for her to accept as well.
I really want to help you on this but I am not sure how to and I wish you lived closer cos I would drag you round here some nights for some company.
What is happening with the house that makes you think you may lose it?
Is there anything atall in life, apart from K, that you can see as a reason to carry on? Try to focus on something that means a lot to you and think about it. Can you take that and use it as a way to go forward atall?
Please pop in chat later if you can.
x
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Karen
Sorry you are feeling so down and at a loss with yourself due to K having family matter to deal with.
Take a step back and dont take this as rejection as i know how it is, if Sam wouldnt settle or was ill i wouldnt be on the site regardless and may sound cruel of who depended on me as family comes first. In your case i know it doesnt and due to my childhood my mum doesnt but Sam does and you cant judge anyone for taking time out.
I know personally you dont mean to but you are, you are relying on K to the limit and even when you know that she at times wont be around to support you as she has other things in her life.
Important things and maybe it is time for you to address that and you get things in your life that count to you. You have a great friend who loves you to bits and focus on that. If you are nothing without K why does Jac keep in touch and why do we keep posting you.
If this sounds harsh i am sorry but i want you to look at what you have before you dismiss it because K wont be in touch.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hey Karen
*I just don't think I've got any fight left in me*
WALOT
See you tomorrow hon ..
Meg
Thanks for the replies everyone.
Have seen Jac tonight and had a good talk. I am now feeling a little better and looking forward to Alton Towers tomorrow.
Sorry if I worried anyone.
Thanks Meg - got myself into a real state about everything again. Looking forward to tomorrow now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Have a great day. Pleased you and Jac talked.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
escapology
17-06-05, 08:52
Hey!
I don't know past history, so am walking in here a bit blind.....
As crazy as it sounds do you have a teddy bear or something that you could use as a substitue to K being around? So when your down and feeling that there is no more hope and fight left in you, this [insert object here] will be there for you regardless! You can talk, hug, kiss, slap, stamp etc etc etc to this said object.
Life is full of uphill struggles that we have to overcome. Life IS worth living, but it is only you that can decide if you want to go on and overcome challenges that every day living will bring.
Small step gives you great rewards. Planting up your bedding plants for example, the joy that the colour and growth will bring, the satisfaction once you have tended to the soil, the aftercare which will give you goals and simple pleasures to reward yourself with.
I hope you can pull yourself through this, I'm rooting for you!
Love n' laughter
Esca xx
chucklehound
17-06-05, 09:10
Glad to hear ur a bit better. Hope u av a great day at alton towers...
All the best
Feel free pm me if you want to chat
steno -x-
Karen
By the time you read this you will have being to Alton Towers. Hope you have had a great day.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
escapology
17-06-05, 12:13
Inpirational Quote for you...
May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
May hope forever wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong.
~Chief Dan George
Hope you had a nice day Karen!! :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Karen,
So sorry you are feeling so down remember we are here for you. If ever you want to chat feel free to PM me anytime ok hun!
You take care I hope you had a lovely day at Alton Towers.
Stay Strong,
Love PIP'S X X
KAREN WAS ERE!!!!
Fresh back from Alton Towers, I would like to tell you all that
a. I have met Karen and she is lovely company
b. She made it to Alton Towers, and I hope enjoyed it as much as we did
c. She went on several rides, but had the sense NOT to partake of the log flume.
d. She did very well, and I hope that she has gained some satisfaction from being here with us today, and she will continue to join us at our Meet Ups
Well done Karen. (And thanks for holding my bag on the water kart ride thing) I should have won - stupid little kid
xxxxx
Charlie
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
wow karen,
i'm so pleased that you went to alton towers with the girls! i hope you had a good day! i wish i was there too!! I hope to meet you another time..
big hug to you - well done!!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Sounds like you guys had a great time. Well done Karen!! Wish I could have come too :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
nomorepanic
17-06-05, 22:15
A BIG WELL DONE to you Karen:D[Yeah!]
You had a 4 hour drive each way and that was a long day for anyone.
We had a fab day and thanks for keeping me company with the bag holding duties for some of the rides - like Nemesis :( At least you went on some - more than I did. I am not sure the water kart thing counts even though I was still worried about going on it!! But I did that anyway[Yeah!]
You did fab to go and we were all proud of you and it was lovely to meet you again:)
I think you deserve a big cheer for even getting there cos it was a long way for you.
Well done!
xxx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi everyone
Thank you for all your kind messages and support. I had a fab time today at Alton Towers and I am so glad I made the decision to go. Not only was it great to meet up with friends from this site, but it was also good for my confidence to do that long drive on my own. That is something I wouldn't have dreamed of doing a year ago.
Charlie - It was really great to meet you too and I hope to come to other meet ups if these happen. I think you drew the short straw when it came to seating place on the log flume! I remember getting drenched when I went on the one a Thorpe Park a few years ago and so decided to give it a miss today. Hope you are all dried out now.
It was also good meeting Jules and Alex for the first time.
Nic - Of course the water kart counts! You went on it even though you said you weren't going to go on anything. Give yourself credit for it. Anyway, looking after the bags was an important job! It was really nice meeting up with you and Meg again, and I had such a good time that the 4 hour journey each way was worth it. It took me slightly longer getting home due to traffic.
I avoided the really scary rides, but went on some of the others which I enjoyed. Have come home covered in bruises though, including one massive one on my back from the Runaway Train I think!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
17-06-05, 23:57
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I avoided the really scary rides
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 17 June 2005 : 22:52:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Karen
How can you say that ?? You went on the 'run away train' That was a fantastic coaster. I am still dreaming of that last 4g bend :D:D:D
You did fantastically WELL to get on it
Alex (P.S Ignore the Nic bit below it's Alex posting)
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Alex
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">How can you say that ?? You went on the 'run away train' That was a fantastic coaster. I am still dreaming of that last 4g bend :D:D:D</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
True! I've got the bruises to prove I went on it!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen, I am so glad you managed to have a day at Alton towers its got to have done you the world of good, well done on all you have achieved today, you should be so proud, take care. love Alexis,x
Thanks Alexis.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
So pleased that you made it out and had such a fab time...and well done for making it that distance!! So happy for you!
Really wish I could have been there to meet you guys, but I think it may have been a little expensive to fly over for the day;)
xxxLisa
Ah WELL DONE Karen! You Go Girl! That's ACE! Glad you had a good time.
Take care,
Love PIP'S X X
Thanks Lisa and Pips.
I finally gave in and took a sleeping tablet this morning as I still couldn't sleep and then slept for 6 hours which is a record for me lately.
I do still feel tired and ache all over but then it's only to be expected following so much activity after weeks of hardly doing anything. It is definitely worth it.
Am now missing K today.
Think I'm going to sit in the sun in the garden and take it easy.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
**but it was also good for my confidence to do that long drive on my own**
You did fantastically well and I sure hope it did your confidence good on about 4-5 aspects - not just the drive.
Two things particularly I was so very, very impressed with.
Well done Karen.
Hi again Karen,
I just have to point something out to give you a boost the next time you are feeling low:
you often say that you aren't getting any better, just going downward...yet yesterday you drove 4 hours each way, and mentioned that you would never have done that a year ago--thats an improvement!!
when others offered to come visit you, you declined because you feel unconfortable around new people...and yesterday you want way out of your way to meet new people--another improvement.
and as a side note, I never would have dreamed of going on an outing like that when I was really bad!!
So very proud of you Karen, please keep these things in mind if you feel low over the next few days. Hope the extra sleep helped...I know it made a huge difference for me when I wasn't sleeping. Just a tip...an herbal way to help sleep is to take Valerian Root (which I am on now)...takes a few weeks to really notice a change, but it works like a charm for me!!!!
Take care Karen, enjoy the sunshine!
xxxLisa
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">you often say that you aren't getting any better, just going downward...yet yesterday you drove 4 hours each way, and mentioned that you would never have done that a year ago--thats an improvement!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
OK, I guess I have to concede that there have been improvements in some areas, but declines in other areas. It is true that the help I've received here has helped me with this aspect. The first long drive I did alone - nowhere near as far as yesterday though, was last November to meet up with Nic and Meg. Had I not done that first, I probably would've dismissed even being able to attempt to go yesterday. But now I've proved to myself that I can do it, even if I do have to get a bit obsessive about planning routes and having back-up plans with people I can call etc just in case I get lost.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">when others offered to come visit you, you declined because you feel unconfortable around new people...and yesterday you want way out of your way to meet new people--another improvement.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do see what you are saying here, although there is a big difference between yesterday and when I decline offers from people to visit me. The first difference was that yesterday was a group of people, and I already know Meg and Nic well now. So this didn't involve meeting someone I have never spoken to before on my own. Being a group takes the pressure off me to have to talk, whereas there is much more pressure on a one-to-one. This is why it is difficult for me to accept the kind offers of visits from people. I would be OK with this once I have known the person for some time, including probably meeting up with them in the company of others I know well.
Also, although I do know it is wrong to generalise, I do have fear issues with men and so am unable to contemplate meeting any man on my own. This is nothing against anyone personally and I know my fears about this are probably over the top and irrational, but there are several reasons for this and I can't help the way I feel.
I didn't get my relaxing afternoon in the garden in the end. The sun had moved from my garden by the time I got out there and then I looked at the car which was filthy after the motorway driving yesterday. So I ended up giving the car a good clean. I also went out to the garden centre to get some bedding plants to redo some of my pots if it is nice tomorrow. I think I need to keep busy to try to stop myself thinking about K, although nothing really stops me entirely. Am exhausted again now.
Think yesterday has given me the boost I desperately needed to get through this weekend.
I'm also loving this warm weather - I'm not feeling cold for once.
Thanks Meg
You have no idea how much of a difference yesterday has made to the way I am feeling. I don't know how long it will last but I'm making the most of it while it does.
It was great meeting up again.
Yes it has boosted my confidence in other areas, like meeting new people even if this is with my safety blanket of having both you and Nic there, so I wasn't completely among people I hadn't met before.
Would like to know what specifically you were impressed with.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
18-06-05, 19:38
Wow Karen
You have been busy today. Well done on washing the car and going to the garden centre. I am very impressed and proud of you for today.
I truly believe that the meet up was a great thing for us all. It was lovely to have Meg there as well cos I knew that if any of us panic'd she would have sorted us - like when I got overheated!!
I am sure that we can do some more meet-ups soon and you will come along and meet others from here and it will do you a world of good too.
I am so pleased to hear that it has helped and I know you are still thinking of K but at least you have gone out and done some stuff yesterday and today and that can only be a good thing.
May catch you in chat for a while later if you feel up to it.
xx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic.
Keeping busy really is the best way to cope with very difficult times, like K being out of contact, and I know I'm my own worst enemy at times. However, it took the boost I feel from yesterday to give me the motivation to try to do something different to cope with not hearing from her. At least I've got some positive news to tell her this time.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It was lovely to have Meg there as well cos I knew that if any of us panic'd she would have sorted us - like when I got overheated!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes it was indeed lovely to have Meg there and she was looking after all of us and making sure we were OK. She certainly came prepared for any eventuality!:D
I'll certainly do my best to attend more meet-ups, depending where they are and do realise that meeting people - with the safety net I feel I need at present - is good for me.
I will pop into chat for a while later. See you in there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I have to face seeing Dad at some point today as it's father's day. I don't want him to bring me down when I am doing my best not to crash with Kathleen not being here.
I thought I might go to the beach for a couple of hours today so I can't decide whether to go to dad's first and get it over and done with - but Jackie probably won't be there as she goes to the gym on Sunday mornings. Or whether to put it off and go later.
I am not feeling too well today either, having had a bad tummy all night and I only slept for a couple of hours off and on.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry I have only just caught up with this post.
Sounds like you did brilliantly going to Alton Towers, and it all sounded like such fun!
You are also coping really well with K's absence - not long to go now.
You are such an important part of this website - we have only spoken a couple of times but your advice to me has always been invaluable and you help a lot of people through your posts. I think you should remember this whenever you start feeling low.
Take care,
Henri x
Thanks Henri. I am pleased if something I said helped in some small way. I don't have any belief in myself or my ability to help anyone really.
I'm now counting the hours until K returns, even though it could be another 24 hours before I actually hear from her.
Today I have been out and tried to keep busy again. Seeing dad didn't help because he was as subtle as always and just talked about food the whole time, and that was after trying to get me to eat dinner with them. I declined his invitation. I realise he is probably worried and this is some of the reason he is currently carrying on like his is, but it isn't helping and just makes me want to stay away and avoid talking to him all the more.
He questioned me again about why he can never get hold of me by phone and wanted to know where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Right now I am trying to hold on to the fact that I have coped a bit better with K's absence this time but I also feel myself slipping back again. I'm starting to feel low again now and I miss her like crazy.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
It's that thing, isn't it, when you are counting down the minutes or the days or whatever, when it gets close to the end it seems like the time will never pass. You have coped so well with K's absence. Think about how low you were when you posted this thread, and how well you dealt with it since then.
The thing with your dad is annoying. It's probably his way of trying to help you (not helpful, i know!) - i have problems with my parents and often just think that ignoring them is the best policy.
Try your best to distract yourself this evening and if you start feeling yourself drop, go into chat - there are bound to be lots of people in there to cheer you up!
Maybe i'll catch you in there later,
Henri x
hi Karen,
I'm glad to hear that you have coped better this time without K - that in itself is an achievement, right? Well done for dealing with your dad today. I know that he gets you down but you managed it and that's what matters..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Thanks Henri and Sarah.
I think the events of the past couple of days has been catching up with me tonight. I fell asleep watching TV earlier for an hour but now I can't sleep again, even though I am still very tired.
Now I cannot wait until K is back tomorrow. I am hoping and praying she will be in touch in the morning but if she is busy it could be last thing in the day. I can't stop thinking about her now.
I also can't stop thinking that Jac is actually going to be speaking to her on the phone tomorrow and I wish so much that it could be me.
I need her so much now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
20-06-05, 06:03
Just to touch on Father's day again.
My Dad and Mum are not the people I need in my life. They aren't supportive or loving. So Father's day came and went and I didn't acknowledge it.
Self preservation.
--
Blue
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Have been waiting all morning to hear from K and still nothing yet. I know she is busy and I know she will be in touch when she has the time. It is just so hard waiting when I've been holding onto her being back today and that today I would have contact.
I really need to hear from here today.
Am not feeling too good and have another migraine again.
Blue - It is good that you can put yourself first and decide not to have anything to do with your parents. I'm not able to do that,
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now I am getting really worried and panicky as I still haven't heard anything from K and there has been no sign of her anywhere.
I have tried to resist my compulsion to keep checking to see if she has been online but now I can't control it anymore. She did say to me she would be back Monday and I am so scared something has happened to her.
Now I am feeling really low again. I just need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Can't believe I will hear from her today now. I just got all excited when a PM popped up on there but it wasn't from her and she still hasn't read my message, which makes me wonder whether everything is ok.
I'm really starting to panic about this now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Perhaps she wont be back until late tonight?
Kate x
I don't know Kate. In her message to me on Thursday she told me she wouldn't be in touch until Monday. So I really thought I would hear from her today.
Am really worried now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really can't handle this anymore.
What if she's hurt? What if she's been involved in an accident? What if she is seriously ill? What if someone has hurt her?
I cannot cope any longer without her and I am petrified that she's not coming back. I know I am just ruining any positive things I have done over the past couple of days because I just can't live without her and I am so scared something is terribly wrong.
Now I am panicking that she is not around at all, when I know she wouldn't tell me she would be in touch today and then not get in touch.
I don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
ah Karen please try and relax she will be fine give her time to get home and sorted out, you dont know what time she will be home, it will be alright, im sure she will contact u as soon as she can she know how much u worry so just hang in there
take care
kairen x
Yes Karen, there is still plenty of time, Im sure she will be in touch, take care Love Alexis,x
I went to bed for a few hours as I was driving myself mad by continually checking for her.
She did send me a brief message to let me know she has had a busy day and to wish me luck for tomorrow.
I am relieved to know she is OK
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
glad you got a reply, hope you slept well
take care
kairen x
I had my appointment with the CMHT today but to be honest they've just made things ten times worse and I have been panicking about losing K ever since.
The whole experience was a nightmare from start to finish. They just kept firing all these questions at me, most of which I couldn't answer. I felt intimidated and panicky the whole time. The social worker seemed quite human, but the CPN was fairly stern and I didn't warm to her at all.
After discussing my case, they came back and told me that although I have been feeling low, I am obviously coping and they would make a recommendation to the psychiatrist when I see her that I have some "psychological therapy". However, the big BUT here is that they told me I would need to give up contact with K and I cannot do that. There is no way I can keep that appointment with the psychiatrist now.
Now I am panicking that they will contact her and tell her she needs to withdraw from me. This is just what happened all those years ago with my tutor and I can't go through that again.
I am so upset and so scared now.
I just need K but I haven't heard from her today and I know she is busy.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Why do they think that you should stop the contact with K
I dont think they would go behind your back and contact her i would not have thought they would be allowed to do that
do hope your a bit calmer its been a hard day for you pet
kairen x
Hi Kairen
I don't know why they want me to break contact. They just said I would need to for the therapy to be effective.
There is no way I can give up K to pursue some NHS therapy that I don't even believe will help anyway.
They can contact K because earlier on I had to sign a form about release of information and they asked if there was anyone I wanted to be involved in the share of information and I said K. However, that was before they talked about cutting contact with her. So now I am panicking that they will get in touch with her and say she needs to cut contact with me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
21-06-05, 20:50
Karen, has your "contact" with K resulted in your recovery and made you well? No. Now I don't know what the situation is with K but the fact is she can decide for herself what she does. I'm sure she will talk to you if she feels any need to do so.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
There is no way I can give up K to pursue some NHS therapy that I don't even believe will help anyway. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Keep thinking nothing will help you Karen and you'll make it happen. You have a chance now, be courageous and take it, the support is there, use your social worker if you feel comfortable with them.
--
Blue - (Agoraphobic)
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
No I don't feel comfortable with the social worker and I am not going to take any therapy that comes with the condition that I break contact with K. She is ALL that matters to me and I can't do it.
It is not true that K's involvement in the past year hasn't helped. You have no idea how much it has helped and having contact broken now would push me over the edge. I would have nothing to live for and do not want to live without her.
These same tactics were tried all those years ago when I was at college, in order to break my attachment to my tutor and all it succeeded in doing was driving me to suicide attempts.
I went to that appointment today against my better judgement. I gave it a try and it didn't work out. I cannot go back there.
All I need now is K but I haven't heard from her and I need her so much tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
21-06-05, 21:30
Good luck Karen, you have to desperately want to get better before you can start to. Nobody can do that for you. I really do wish you all the best.
I can't add any more to this topic, I've tried several times to help but it hasn't helped so I'm not going to post here again. Take care of yourself.
--
Blue - (Agoraphobic)
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Who says I don't want to get better? Just because I don't believe what the CMHT or in fact any NHS psychiatric services have to offer is going to help, does that mean I don't want to get better?
I am trying to do my best here, but them suggesting I cut contact with the one person who gives me a reason to live is not helpful, and it is in fact detrimental to my fight to recover.
If they want to drive me to suicide they are going the right way about it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Nigel. You are right - it would be like letting go of my lifeline. The mere thought of not having K in my life causes me such distress than I cannot even contemplate it as an option.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The reality here is that K has been extremely supportive and has brought great comfort with all her communications over many issues over the past year, but with this, not surprisingly, the attachment has become stronger until it appears to be a lifeline.
Everyone who knows the situation is well aware that a sudden break of contact is unequivocably not the way forward and K is too knowledgable to agree to go down this route.
However, both Jill and K have wanted this involvement with the CMHT as they cannot help any further in their therapist capacity as there has been no improvement in either the depression or the anorexia in the past months and indeed there does continue to be a persistant deterioration with the anorexia which is the one that mostly promped this referral as it is now also moving into the realm of involving physical illness.
Nigel - Welcome finally.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Sue K with 5
22-06-05, 00:52
Hi Karen
Oh god honey!!! you will cope I know you will, you have been here before when she has gone away and you have coped before! Attachements can be painful, and have probably become this intense due to to problems you have had over the years, but you can do this and anytime you need any of us you know you can pm or email me at anytime
Stay strong and focused and remember you can cope with this
Sue with 5 children
scknight
Hi Sue
Thanks for your message. I know I have managed to get through short periods without contact with K recently. However, these have just been temporary separations. It is a completely different thing to contemplate a permanent break from her.
I do appreciate that I have a lot of people here supporting me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Meg
You are completely right that K has been a tremendous support to me over the past year and I don't know where I would have been without her. I also cannot deny that my attachment to her has become stronger over this time and is now at a point where I cannot imagine my life without her. She is as fundamentally important to me as the air I breathe. I just cannot function without her.
So it is totally unreasonable for two strangers, even mental health professionals, to tell me that I have to cut contact with her in order for (unspecified) therapy to be effective. K doesn't believe this is the best way to deal with this issue or she would have gone down this route herself. I suppose I panicked that they might convince her that this is the way forward, but I know she wouldn't break her promise to me that she won't suddenly abandon me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">However, both Jill and K have wanted this involvement with the CMHT as they cannot help any further in their therapist capacity as there has been no improvement in either the depression or the anorexia in the past months and indeed there does continue to be a persistant deterioration with the anorexia which is the one that mostly promped this referral as it is now also moving into the realm of involving physical illness.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know it is mainly the anorexia that prompted Jill and K to suggest I need extra help. However, during the appointment today they hardly touched on this aspect and didn't even seem to think it that big a problem, just referring to the anorexia as "some problems with eating". I think they totally missed the point of why extra help was being requested for me and the whole exercise was a complete waste of time. All it served to do was to further lower my opinion of these NHS mental health services and scare me half to death.
I really don't see how I can go back and put myself through that again, particularly on my own.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm so sorry that your initial experince has gotten you down! But I am really proud of you for going in the first place because I know how hard it is for you!!!
I know that you are scared to go back because of the suggestion that you cut off contact with K, but perhaps you could negotiate a more suitable treatment plan? Remember that these people have just met you, and an intake session is often not enough to really understand someone's issues...that is why more therapy is necessary. I do think that they missed the mark on that one, but it doesn't mean that they should be written off completely.
I would argue that they haven't forgotten the anorexia...remember when you went to the dietician and discussed that the anorexia won't be fixed until you get to the core of the issue??I think this is why they are trying to help you in terms of your problem with OCD, particularly in its manifestation with K. But perhaps the way forward is to deal with a different aspect at first, in a way that will be less traumatic for you? Could you get Jill to come with you for your first appointment to explain this? Or maybe she could write a letter for you to take? I bet that they will respect the professional opinion of someone who has been seeing you for a while.
How are you feeling today Karen? Hope that you are enjoying the great weather (so I hear, its rainy and dismal over here in Vancouver!), and take care,
Lisa
~Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage~ Anais Nin
Hi Lisa
I have been to see Jill today and she described what the CMHT said as "unbelievable". She couldn't understand why they are not offering me help and support for the anorexia, which is what she and K are most concerned about, and was the whole reason for suggesting I go down this route.
They already had a letter from a professional, as K had written and spoken to them on the phone, and she is also a therapist. However, they seemed to ignore everything she said.
Jill understood why I had panicked at the mere mention of breaking contact with K and told me that this is not the right way forward as regards my attachment. Breaking attachments has not helped me in the past and in fact has just served to make things even worse. She believes it is more a case of learning how to develop a normal friendship with K instead.
I really don't want anything more to do with the CMHT after yesterday, and I have serious doubts and fears about seeing the psychiatrist in a couple of weeks time too. At the moment I am inclined not to go. I doubt Jill would be able to attend with me as she is not local, and I have no one else who could accompany me.
I'm feeling very low still today, particularly seeing as I haven't heard from K again. I know she is really busy and I feel really terrible for wanting to hear from her so much. I can't cope without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm not coping tonight. Another day has passed without K having the time to reply to my messages and I'm feeling really low.
I feel like I am slipping back to the point where I can't face doing anything again and I just want to hide out in bed all the time. I just want all of this to go away.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I honestly dont know what to say to you, other than you know you have us here so you will never be alone, wish there was more i could do to help you,
try and keep positive pet
take care
kairen x
Thanks Kairen. I know it is difficult to know what to say, but it does help being able to talk on here and to know people care.
I have kept really busy all day today and tried to distract myself from thinking about K but it has not really helped. Jac spent the morning here helping me tackle the mountain of weeds in my garden and then we put a layer of weed resistent fabric down and then some chipped bark on top. So the garden is looking much tidier now.
Jac had to go just after lunchtime to collect Millie, so I carried on and finished off as much as I could by myself. I then had to go into town and took half an hour out to sit on the beach for a while. It was really peaceful down there.
After that I came home and started planting up some of the bedding plants into my pots and only came in from the garden an hour ago. I now cannot move I am so exhausted, but had to go on the forum and check for messages from K.
Now I am back in the pit of despair again because I have seen that she has been on the forum twice today posting, but I haven't heard from her and she hasn't read my message. I know it is terrible that I get so jealous of other people getting her attention but I just really need to hear from her and I get so distressed when I don't.
It seems like it doesn't matter what I do because I always end up feeling bad again. I feel just as bad now as I would've done had I spent all day in bed. There doesn't seem to be any point in trying to do anything differently.
The only good thing about today is that I went all day without eating and all that exercise I've done must mean I have lost some more weight. I doubt anyone agrees with me here but this is what the anorexia tells me. I was planning to try to eat something in a minute, but now I feel too distressed to eat and I know starving myself is a way of coping with these awful feelings.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen - if you don't start to eat something soon, you won't be able to hear from K ever!! You are either going to kill yourself or you will be dragged into a hospital/centre and you won't have the strength anymore to do anything about it!! Please start eating hun: for yourself, for K and for everyone on here who really cares about you..
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Karen
Just caught up with your post hun and can only say i am here to support you if you need me as you have had some great replies.
You are not alone and never forget that.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
I do eat normally eat Sarah but tonight have been feeling really bad and I have been struggling with the anorexia. I just don't see how things will ever improve and I can't see any future.
Thanks for your support Sal.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Can't stop thinking about K again today and am feeling so very low. I have only just managed to drag myself out of bed. I have no energy today and don't feel like doing anything.
I am trying to get myself together enough to head for the beach for a while, as I know staying here will mean I just keep compulsively checking for K.
Don't want to eat again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Please eat something karen. even if its something small. please. its no wonder you have no energy today if you haven't been eating anything.
good idea to go to the beach and get some fresh air. take a good book or a gossip mag with you. but before you go, have something.
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Have a nice time at the beach Karen. Maybe you could do some writing there as I know you enjoy that..:D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
bluesparkle
24-06-05, 16:19
hi karen...
just want to say still reading and still thinking of you...(even though i dont post very often)
hope you got to the beach and it was ok...
hang on in there ... i know its hard but we all care about you
rach
Hi Karen,
do hope you got to the beach, you did really well to do all the gardening its no wonder your tired out today,
do hope you managed to have something to eat today,
take care pet
kairen x
Hi everyone
Thanks for all the messages.
I am panicking again now because I can't stay connected to broadband. It keeps cutting off and if I lose my internet connection I won't be able to have contact with K. Why does everything keep going wrong? I've had it with everything.
It seems no matter what I do there is always something else there to kick me back down again. I can't cope with this. I can't cope without K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
24-06-05, 20:11
Hi Karen
Just caught up on the posts from the last week.
Seems you have been up and down a bit this week so I hope you are ok at the moment.
Have you heard from K yet? How are you feeling in yourself ?
If you get a bit down then remember Alton Towers cos it was a fab day out. How are the bruises by the way?
May catch you in chat later ok?
x
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Thanks for your message. It is difficult to come into chat tonight because I keep losing my broadband connection still and have had to email them to report a fault. I tried all the usual procedures, including reinstalling the modem but it is still playing up. Their email said it could take 48 hours to investigate, including getting BT to test the line.
I have been a bit up and down this week, particularly seeing as K has been really busy and I haven't been sure of when I would hear from her again. I have had a message today though so that made me feel better. I'm just panicking that I won't be able to get online until my Internet connection is sorted out and then I'll be cut off from everyone, and particularly K.
I had some really good days following the trip to Alton Towers last week and I think it really did me the world of good to go. I have been trying hard all week to keep this going and haven't had one day that I've spent the whole day in bed, although this has been really tempting on occasions.
Am a bit red tonight after my afternoon on the beach oops! I did use sun cream but probably spent too long lying in the sun. I think I'm about the only one who has enjoyed this heat because I am not feeling cold for once!
Have sorted my garden out now ready to get some valuations on the house done. I can't see any way out of my financial problems than selling up but it is really worrying because I don't know what I am going to do with my cats.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment and moving is the last thing I really want to be thinking about.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
24-06-05, 21:37
Hi Karen
Glad you heard from K that is one good thing eh?
I am so pleased that you haven't spent all day in bed and not forgotten AT - it is good to remember good days as it makes you feel all good about yourself.
I got burnt on Thursday cos I couldn't reach my back to put suntan lotion on it so I now have a lovely swimming costume mark on my back lol.
Where are you going to live if you sell the house? I would love to have the cats but Walnut is too posh to accept any more cats into the household and they would be bullied here I am afraid.
Chin up ok? You are doing so well and I am sure that you can sort things out in time. All things happen for a reason eh?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Yes I'm trying to keep going and not get back to the routine of spending all day in bed, which is very difficult for me to avoid doing.
Thanks for mentioning about the cats. I am more worried about where they are going to live than where I would. The last resort would be to ask my Dad if he could have them there, but I don't want to do this unless I can't find any other way. I don't think I could bear taking them to a rehoming centre though.
I am not sure what I will do about somewhere else to live. The only downsizing I could do would be to a studio flat, as I am already in a one bedroom house and there isn't much property round here much cheaper. The other option is to rent. Both of these options would make it difficult to take my cats with me which makes me feel really upset.
On the other hand the extra stress of worrying about paying the bills every month doesn't help the way I am feeling either, so I don't feel like I can just stick my head in the sand about this any longer.
Sunburn is sore isn't is?!? It's funny how it doesn't look red or feel sore until several hours later. I didn't even feel like I was burning when on the beach. Oh well it looks like the weather has broken now so I doubt it will be nice enough to sunbathe for a while.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
This is going to cost me a fortune. Have to keep connecting by pay as you go dial up, but I can't be cut off from K or all the support I have from people online. This is really the last thing I need at the moment.
About the only positive is that dad wasn't able to get through when he tried to ring earlier, although he left me a message so I suppose I will have to ring him tomorrow as I've avoided him all week.
He's on holiday for the next week so I am also concerned that he might start just showing up here more than normal. He is also talking about BBQs again and I don't want to go through what happened last time. In fact, I don't want to have to eat there at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hello Karen,
I have just spent the last 30 minutes reading through your latest news - I'm catching up after being away myself last weekend.
Firstly, I was SO impressed with your day at Alton Towers - a solo drive 4 hours each way and the excitement of the day would be a tall order for me. But you sounded so upbeat in your reports from the day. I was so thrilled to hear that.
I can quite understand the need to keep in contact with K and why the CMHT are taking the wrong approach.
But I've been concerned that all your eggs are in the 'K' basket so to speak. I feel you need to try and seek out somebody who can support you alongside her - I know that K is so special to you, but people do have other commitments and cannot be with you 365 days a year. You need daily internet contact with treasured people and so over time you must strengthen your circle of support. That way K can still be there as before, but the pain when she is away would not be so bitter.
Have you seen anyone, perhaps the Citizens Advice Bureau to try and sort out your financial issues which may avoid the hassle moving house would cause? I really think some friendly support is needed here.
Take care and I hope you get some more sleep tonight,
You are doing better than you sometimes think
Nic is right - keep thinking of Alton Towers showing what you can do and how life really is worth it.
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply.
I do have contact through the Internet with other people, not just K. However, as much as I appreciate the support I get from these other people, I still can't help wanting contact with K all the time. She is the one I believe I need. I believe if I could be with her then everything else would be alright.
It is because of these feelings I have for her that I get so distressed when I don't have contact and with anything that threatens to disrupt or break my contact with her. I know I couldn't live without her.
Regarding the financial situation, I have been to the Citizens Advice Bureau in the past but don't think they can help anymore. I really don't want to move but I can't see any other way round this problem.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Not doing too well today. I have spent all day in bed, not being able to find any motivation to get up or to do anything. I don't have the energy either even though I have loads of housework I really need to do.
I haven't heard from K today which is also distressing me. I know I would feel much more able to find some motivation to do something if I'd had contact. As it is I am missing her too much and I can't face the rest of the day without her. Just feel like giving in to these feelings of despair.
I didn't get much sleep and the sleep I did have was dominated by nightmares again.
Just finding it really difficult to hold onto anything today. I really really need K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps today. Please do try and get up and at least have a nibble. I have no idea what it is like to be like you, I know, but if you try, you will do yourself a favour. If you do nothing, you will get worse..
In my view, you must get out of the way of thinking that only K could possibly do you good. Surely you survived before she came on the scene - turn the clock back a few years and now ask yourself if you wouldn't want to seek new and strong friendships then. If the answer then was 'No' too, then you would have never have met her.
Or can I put an analogy forward? Someone can be so devoted to a partner - a true life relationship without pitfalls and so on. But those two people will also have good friends of their own. Should one of them be away on say, a business trip, the other will then call on friends for chat and company to soften the blow. The couple can also enjoy life with other friends without diluting the need they have for one another.
Of course, these things don't come easily and I am aware of the social anxiety you suffer from. But my point is more being able to accept that there ought to be others who will be there for you in a secondary role. How far down the road are you in accepting that K cannot be there for you as much as you'd like?
Karen, by driving up to Alton Towers you have done much much more than many people on this site. I think you ought to keep on reminding yourself of that.
I just want you to enjoy your life as much as you can, that's all.
Take Care
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Karen I too keep up with your posts but do ont know what to say as everybody is saying all the things to you, I too am on a bad day, nowhere near as bad as you as I know im well on the way to recovery and I dont have the problems you have but I just want to say, make time for you today to try to push yourself forward, Ive had a real long bath, Ive listened to favourite music, Ive read, Ive tried to do crosswords. i know these things will not cure you Karen but some PAMERING TIME may just help you feel a tiny bit better and anything forward is better than trading water or going back, take care Karen, we are all here for you, Love Alexis,x
Hi Ray
Thanks for your reply. I guess a few years ago the situation was the same, the only difference being that the focus of my attachment was someone else - in this case my tutor. That attachment lasted years, from when I was 16 until last summer when she broke off all contact with me. It was that event that led me here due to spiralling depression and thoughts of suicide.
I was completely destroyed at losing her and on the verge of giving up, as I didn't believe there was anything to live for. Then I 'met' K. I felt an attraction to her from the moment I read her posts to other people on the forum and within a few weeks I was hooked and caught up in a new attachment situation. This has grown over the past year until the point where I believe she is all I need to be happy. All I can think about every day is her and wanting and needing to be with her. My life without her is not even something I could contemplate. I know this is where the obsession part of the attachment comes into force, because in normal relationships people don't look to one person to fulfil all their needs or have the need to be with that person 24/7.
I do have other online friends now and I do appreciate these friends. They also help me by being supportive and giving me the experience of what real friendship is. However, K is still the focus of my search for happiness. She is the one I love and feel I need to be with in order just to survive. As long as I hear from her daily I get by, although of course I always long for more and want nothing more that to actually be with her, but I know this isn't a possibility. It doesn't stop me dreaming and fantasising about it though.
As to accepting that K can't be here for me as much as I would like. On one level, I suppose the rational side of me, I accept that this is the case and know I have no right to expect her to be here for me 24/7. However, there is such a big part of me that needs her so much that I can't accept it. I can't stop wanting more and needing more. I am so desperate for love and attention but only want it from her. I also hate myself for it because I know it is so wrong.
I really wish I could relax in this relationship and accept the friendship she is offering me, and could let go of all the obsessive stuff.
Thanks for your comments about my drive to Alton Towers. I guess you are right that this was an achievement, although I always expect more from myself and instead of thinking about things I have done well, I concentrate on all the areas I believe I am failing in. I suppose this comes back to my huge self esteem issues again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Alexis. I appreciate your support and it does help to know that people here care about me.
I guess maybe I should try and have a bath, even if I don't feel like getting dressed. Getting up from this chair is an effort at the moment and I just feel like crashing back into bed again.
Maybe I will try to watch a dvd or something. Don't feel I can concentrate to read and have another bad headache today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Did finally get round to having a bath but haven't bothered to get dressed. There really isn't any point at this time of day and I will probably just end up back in bed again anyway.
With no news from K there just isn't anything to stay up for. I feel totally lost without her and don't feel like doing anything.
All my current problems are just going round and round in my head and I can't think clearly about any of them anymore. It all feels so totally overwhelming and there doesn't seem to be any way out or a way to get through this. It just feels like there is no point even trying sometimes because there is always something else waiting in the background to push me back down again.
I really need K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have been in bed all evening again. I can't cope with the way I'm feeling right now. There is no point to anything without K. I just feel like giving up without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
It has been a very long night and I am still unable to sleep. I just don't want to face another day when I might not hear from K. I can't take it anymore.
I think I am going to take a sleeping pill and try to pass as much of the day by sleeping. I can't handle the distress of hanging around waiting to hear from her and the disappointment and despair if I don't.
To make things worse my other forum is playing up again and I am afraid it might crash, which means I definitely won't get a message from her.
I just feel like every minute is a living nightmare at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Still can't sleep even though I am feeling so tired now. I am panicking too much because my other forum keeps crashing or running so slowly I think K might try to login to reply but then give up.
I have seen she has already been online today on another site and I don't think I am going to hear from her again. I don't know what I am going to do it another day passes without word.
Due to the intermittent problems with the other forum, I already send my messages to her by email as well as PM, but she never replies to me on email. I just can't do this. I'm really feeling so distressed and caught in despair because of this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I really don't want to be conscious at present. I finally got to sleep at 11am with the aid of a sleeping tablet and was having such a lovely dream about meeting K, but then I woke up again and I had only been asleep for 2 hours.
Couldn't get off to sleep again, so I took a second sleeping pill, hoping it would knock me out completely. Even that didn't work too well, although I did get about another 3 hours sleep.
Still nothing from K and I really am in a state about it now. I have heard nothing from her all weekend, but she didn't warn me that she wouldn't be in touch. I keep thinking something is wrong or that I've done something to upset her and that's why she hasn't been in contact.
I cannot handle this. I can't go another night dealing with all this pain and despair. I feel like taking some more of those sleeping pills and hoping they knock me out completely so I don't have to face feeling this way.
Really just need K. I'm so lost without her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be here.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
26-06-05, 20:12
Karen
Sorry you are having a bad weekend and no contact from K.
Hopefully you will get some sleep tonight cos you will be so tired anyway.
Thinking of you.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Karen,
do hope you manage to get some sleep, try not to worry about K, she will be in touch,
you know where here for you aswell
take care
kairen x
Thanks Nic and Kairen.
I suppose I am feeling so upset and worried today because she rarely misses both days of the weekend, at least not without warning me first. So no only am I panicking that something might have happened, I am also worrying that I have done something wrong.
Don't know what I will do if I have no contact tomorrow either.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi really sorry to hear that you are having a really bad time at mo
i hope you feel better soon
take care thinking of you here if need to talk
leanne
ps so may sond as though im been nosey but who is K?
Have had an awful day. I couldn't sleep until gone 7am and then woke again after 2 hours and couldn't get back to sleep, so now I feel so tired. I only have a few sleeping pills left and even these don't always help.
I had to get out of bed to check whether I had a message from K but the forum was down again, which sent me into another panic. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.
I have now heard from K but feel so bad that I rely on her so much and put so much pressure on her to reply. I know she is busy and has her own life to lead, and I just feel so selfish. I don't know why she cares about me as I don't deserve it.
At the moment I just can't help wanting and needing to be with K and it is tearing me up inside because I know I can't be with her. I truly believe everything would be alright if only I could be with her. An email I received from Jill (my therapist) asked whether I can see this is just the obsession talking but it is what I really do believe. She also told me that everything I said in my email today just shows why I need more help. But I don't. All I need is K.
Haven't been able to eat anything today either but I know K will be concerned about this and I will try to have something. It is just easier not to eat. I don't need the added anxiety that trying to eat causes.
Leanne - K is my friend from another forum.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have had a panic attack tonight as my other forum went down again as I was about to send my message to K. I sent it by email but she never replies to emails. So I panicked that it would mean no contact from K today.
The forum is back up for the time being, however there seem to be quite serious server problems and the server keeps going down, so I don't know how long it will stay online for.
All of this is making me feel extremely anxious and panicky still because K might not read my message and even if she does and sends a reply, if the forum crashes again I might not be able to read it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Im sure they will solve the problem with the other site,
do hope you managed to have something to eat,
Karen your not selfish at all, you are always here with a reply and words of encouragement, so thats why everyone likes you, your a very kind person, and im sure K can see this too,
try and keep as busy as you can, you know she will contact you as soon as she can, she always does, and you've waisted all that energy worrying,
hope you slept well
take care
kairen x
I don't know what to do or how to cope. I have just had a phone call from my stepmum telling me she has left my dad and is not going back.
She said she isn't upset about it but just realised she can't live with his controlling behaviour anymore and no longer loves him.
I'm having a panic attack. I don't even know why... I'm just being stupid.
This is about them and all I can think about is that it is one more thing on top of everything and I can't deal with it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
To make things worse, I've not heard from K today either, even though she has been on the forum twice so far today. She hasn't read my message from last night and so I am also panicking that I have done something wrong there.
I need her so much at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I am really feeling for you. Also, thanks for your kind reply to my post.
I just can't get to grips about how we can make you better - you are such a kind person and you really deserve to be in a better state than you are.
I know you have a phobia of using the phone, but sometimes you do use it. Its not impossible for you.
Whilst K is not in contact, you must be so overflowing with pent up emotion more than ever, yet you do not have an outlet at all.
Do you think you are brave enough to pick up the phone to say the Samaritans [ 08457 90 90 90] and let some of that out? Be assured you will have a friendly, understanding voice at the other end. They will not know where you are and can be totally anonymous.
I suspect most of your phone conversations are quite threatening or bring bad news, such as with your Dad, the CMHT or the one today with your stepmum. This one will be different and you may then see the phone in a different light.
You may well so 'NO' to this suggestion, but Karen, to get better we have to sometimes take a leap in the dark. I cannot make you better - only you can do that, but with loads of encouragement from all your friends here.
You are worth it - remember that,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Ray
Thanks for the suggestion but I really can't ring The Samaritans. I have tried in the past but they just expect me to be able to talk and I can't talk about any of this stuff to a stranger. The only thing that would help is talking to someone I can trust, but at the moment I feel so alone.
You say I am a kind person but really I'm not. I've just had another panic attack because I've had Dad ringing on my doorbell. I panicked and didn't answer the door. Now I feel terrible. I expect he wanted to talk, but I don't think I can handle it, not yet anyway.
I do imagine he is feeling very hurt and upset at the moment by what has happened and my stepmum told me he has been talking to my brother about the situation, but he doesn't speak to my eldest brother so I am the only family member he is talking to who lives locally. I do want to be able to help but I don't feel strong enough myself to be able to.
I know I am an adult and not living at home anymore so this shouldn't be affecting me the way it is but I feel like my family has been torn apart and I'm caught in the middle. I don't know what is going to happen or how all of this is going to work out.
I'm just panicking about the whole situation and I just need K. This is one day I really do need to hear from her but she hasn't been in touch, despite a couple of times she has been on the forum and on her other forum. I am so sure the forum is going to crash again too.
I can't cope.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I am not coping at all. I really really need K:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen sorry you are still struggling, would going into chat not help you? I know you havent been in much lately, just a thought, Love Alexis,x
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time of it again.
Families - who need them, eh? I'm glad you realise that its friends that are your closest allies and not your own people, although we often have a strong loyalty to our kith and kin.
You really don't have to talk about any sensitive stuff to the Samaritans. I'm just wondering that by talking about anything, a safe subject, it would help your use of the phone and may prompt a few tears which would release some emotion. Perhaps you could make it clear from the start that you are not going to let on about any personal stuff.
You could even say that you just have a phone phobia and would like to use them as a practice, as you would like someone anonymous and friendly.
State this from the start and YOU will be in CONTROL, and that will help.
I guess you see no way out - the route to that door leading to the world you desire is blacked out. But in reality, if you could knock one or two obstructions down, things would become a bit more manageable.
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Thanks Alexis. I'm not sure I am up to going into chat tonight. I am still struggling with the panic and need K so much I need to keep checking to see whether she's been on the forum again.
Ray: I do appreciate what you are saying but I really can't think about phone practise at the moment, and when I do practise I think I need to do this with 'real' people. By this I mean in a normal situation and ringing The Samaritans isn't a normal situation.
Over the past few months I have practised with several people from here and have improved from where I was a year ago.
It is everything else that is getting me down at the moment, and these latest family events have just made things worse. I don't know what is going to happen. I know the situation is different now because I am much older, but my parents divorced when I was 16 and going through a traumatic time anyway. It just seems like history is repeating itself.
I know I can't do anything about this and my stepmum sounded happy with her decision. She doesn't regret leaving Dad, although she does feel sorry for him but knows that isn't a reason to stay in the marriage. She says she feels free at last.
She is upset that my brother might not want to keep in contact with her and she might miss out on seeing my niece grow up. I have offered to try to talk to my brother when things calm down a bit.
All of this is still supposed to be a secret from me so I can't talk to anyone in the family about it even if I wanted to.
I'm still feeling really guilty about not answering the door to Dad. I panicked but that is no excuse. He probably needs me but I can't handle it.
What have I done to upset K?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
you have done nothing to upset K, its just cos yr so desperate to hear from her your mind is working overtime,
Karen dont feel guilty about your Dad he too is a grown man and can sort his own life out, you have enough to deal with,
I know we all keep saying it but we are all here for you,
Take care
kairen x
Thanks Kairen.
I just wish I didn't need K so much but I do, particularly tonight.
I do appreciate that you are all here for me too.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now I feel worse. Jac has just told me she doesn't know why I am so shocked. Feel rubbish now, like I'm making a big drama out of nothing.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hello Karen,
you are making a drama out of nothing. It is how you feel, you cannot help the way you feel sweetie. Im sorry you are having a hard time right now..
Im not sure who K is, but i hope that you hear from them soon.
Take care xxx
^thats supposed to say - you are NOT making a drama out of nothing.
I wasnt sure how to edit it. sorry about that.
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear about all that has been going on. If I remember correctly, I think you got on quite well with your stepmum so it must be quite difficult for you. Don't feel bad about not being able to let your Dad into talk today. There are times that he has made you miserable in the past and not thought about your feelings and I know that is no reason for you to do the same to him but don't talk until you're ready hun. I think Jac was a little harsh for what she said to you. It's always difficult when two people split up even if it has been a long time coming, especially when it involves a parent. Hang in there hun..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
nomorepanic
29-06-05, 21:07
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I wasnt sure how to edit it. sorry about that.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Donna - 29 June 2005 : 20:57:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Donna - the icon that is a pencil on a bit of paper will allow you to edit a post you made :D
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
nomorepanic
29-06-05, 21:11
Karen
Sorry to hear about your step-mum - I know that she was someone that seemed to take your side in some things and even support you a bit.
I would leave talking to your dad until you feel a bit better in yourself.
Any news from K yet?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
hi karen,
just to let you konw i am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts!!
dont worry about shutting out your dad - you can talk to him another time, you were just protecting yourself so dont beat yourself up about it.. we are all often not in the mood to talk to our parents..
give those pussy cats a cuddle and get some relaxing in.. keep your mind off it..
take care,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks Donna, Sarah, Nic and Lisa.
I feel like I am being really pathetic for being so upset by what has happened and that it has sent me into a panic. I'm not a child afterall and don't live at home, but it feels like everything has been thrown into chaos and I don't know how to handle it.
I just know nothing will be the same again and I don't know what it is going to be like at home without my stepmum there.
Also I cannot help feeling guilty that I haven't been there for dad today, no matter what problems there are in our relationship. I imagine he is hurting at the moment and probably wanted to talk but I just couldn't handle it. This would have been a really hard situation for me to deal with even if I was feeling well, but the way I am at the moment it just feels like one thing too much.
Dad doesn't have any close friends and has fallen out with half the family at one time or another, so he only really has me and one of my brothers. He is and always has been closest to my brother and I know has been talking to him this week. I think he is going to need me and might want more of my time now, but am I being selfish for not wanting to get dragged in too far? I have been trying to gain my independence from him but now feel he might want to be more involved with my life again.
I had a good chat with Jac earlier and we have sorted everything out. She told me she said what she did because if she had been my stepmum she would have left Dad years ago.
I do get on reasonably well with my stepmum although I am not able to confide in her about what has been happening in my life. However, she did act as peacemaker for my Dad a lot of the time and also did try to keep him off my back regarding eating and my anorexia.
I've told her that I won't let him make me take sides and I don't want to lose touch with her. I can understand why she cannot live with him any longer, as I know how hard it is to put up with his controlling behaviour.
Had a message from K late tonight, so am feeling better about that.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Its very late but am SO pleased you had a message from K.
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Only had half an hours sleep last night and have to drive to Brighton to see my therapist this morning. I still feel so tired, and I was having the nicest dream about K too.
Feeling generally low and completely overwhelmed by everything that is happening at the moment, not only worrying about my dad and my stepmum, but also about whether I will hear from K today, and the house situation, and it is also getting closer to my appointment with the psychiatrist next week. Just don't know how much more I can take.
Just to top off everything off, the one day I have to go out somewhere it is cold and raining out. I just want to hide out under the duvet.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm feeling really down again now because K wouldn't give any response to my message from last night because she felt it contained some banned phrases or negative interpretations. So she said I should edit it before she will reply.
Because I didn't get back from seeing my therapist until late - she actually left me to sleep for a couple of hours after my session as I was so totally exhausted and she was concerned about me driving back - I missed K on the forum and now won't get a reply until tomorrow at the earliest.
I didn't do it on purpose but now feel like I've done something wrong and am being punished, even if I do deserve it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
K came back onto the forum again earlier tonight, but she didn't even read my edited message, let alone reply.
Now I feel so upset and caught up in the despair again:(.
I feel like I have done something terrible and she is upset with me, which is the last thing I would want to do.
I'm also really worried that I might have said something wrong in tonight's message too and she won't reply again. I need her more than ever now. I can't live without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Im sure you have done nothing to upset her, i think she is trying to help you be more positive, she obviously wants to help you, try not to be so hard on yourself, i doubt very much even if you have it in you to upset someone,
do hope you managed to get some sleep
hope you hear from K today,
take care
kairen x
Hi Kairen
I did get more sleep today - I had about 4 hours after taking a sleeping tablet this morning.
You are right that K wasn't upset with me and she is trying to help me avoid my tendency to negative interpretation. However, I think I am just finding it really difficult because she has suddenly got 'tough' about this, knowing that her not replying to my messages is the very worst thing I can imagine happening.
I have to be so very careful what I write to her now, as I can't risk this happening again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm feeling so low today as I haven't heard from K. I do realise it is unreasonable to expect to hear from her every day but I just can't cope without her.
There is so much going on at the moment and I am feeling really overwhelmed with it all. I've hardly slept again and just don't know where all this is going to end.
I really need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
so sorry you have so much going on at the moment. you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start motivating yourself.. i know the weather isn't great today but maybe you could get into that garden again.. sorry you haven't heard from K yet today but she obviously really believes in you and knows you can cope without her even if only for a few hours. you have to believe in yourself.
we all believe in you on this site. Things will improve - everything flows, nothing stays.. and read my signoff!
sending you a virtual hug!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
I know I should do something to try to distract myself, but I can't get into the garden today or do anything else as I have to be at Dad's soon.
I think the insomnia and not hearing from K today is really making me feel worse. The more overwhelmed and depressed I feel, the more I need her. But I also know it isn't fair on her and I feel terrible about it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling really low after getting back from Dad's and still nothing from K.
I feel so bad I don't feel I want to carry on. Just don't know how to get through tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Went to bed earlier as I was feeling so tired and hoped I might sleep to block all of this out. However, I couldn't and just had thoughts of K going through my mind.
My neighbour has been rowing with her boyfriend on and off all evening and is going round slamming her doors at regular intervals at the moment so it's not very peaceful here.
I can tell this is going to be a long night.
Don't know what I'll do if I don't hear from K tomorrow. She was too busy to write at all last weekend and I am so scared this will be the case again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I feel terrible today, so I have already decided not to answer the phone if Dad rings. I feel awful about it, but I just can't cope with him when I am feeling really low myself.
I haven't heard from K today, which is making me feel really low and upset, but also makes me hate myself for feeling like this. I just feel like there is no point to anything at the moment, because no matter what happens I just continue to feel trapped in this despair.
On days I hear from K, I manage reasonably and can just about cope with the depression, but when I don't I just go to pieces. I hate being this way, but I need her so much and I can't live without her. Without her my life is unbearable.
I have the appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow and I am now really starting to panic about it. If I am feeling this bad I really don't know how I can go through with it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know you dont reallyknow me but you are always welcome to send me a pm if you fancy a chat. Anytime.
HUGGLES,
Donna x
nomorepanic
04-07-05, 21:20
Karen
Good luck with tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you and I am sure it will go well. Let us know ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Just wishing all goes well tomorrow,
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
hi Karen,
i'll be thinking of you tomorrow - I also hope it goes well for you.. visualise it going well..
when you are there, remember we are all here thinking of you.
good luck and be strong,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Karen
Hope tomorrow goes ok as i have just caught up with your post.
Thinking of you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks everyone. I really don't want to go though and am only doing it for K.
Went back to bed this evening because I really can't handle the way I feel when I don't hear from her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I shall be thinking of you today Karen and willing for it all to go well for you...
Megxx
Thank you Meg.
Just wish I could get some sleep so I could stop thinking and worrying about it.
I also really wish K could be there to hold my hand[:I].
Think I've done something wrong or done something to upset her, as she read my message last night but didn't reply:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Managed about an hour's sleep in the end and dreamt of K. I wish I could've stayed asleep as I felt close to her then.
Dad phoned first thing this morning, briefly wished me a happy birthday and then launched straight into talking about my stepmum and how he is feeling about it. He told me she has moved from her Mum's flat and so must have another man she's moved in with.
When I sent my stepmum a text she told me she is still staying with her Mum, but hasn't had her car for a few days. Dad must have been driving past so he could check up on her. I don't know why I'm surprised really, as this is normal behaviour for him.
He also started asking me exactly who I am seeing today for my appointment and wanted to know what I would be talking about and telling them. I wish I hadn't told my brother about this now, because Dad is interfering and I don't want him involved. I avoided answering his questions.
Am feeling really anxious and panicky now. It is just over an hour until my appointment. I just want K with me. Don't know how I am going to get through this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Happy Birthday Karen!!
Hope the appointment goes well :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
pinkscrumpy
05-07-05, 14:53
Happy Birthday Karen.
Thinking of you.
Keep us updated
lots of love
MANDIE XX
Happy birthday Karen, and good luck with your appointment.
thinking of you
Donna x
Have just got back from my appointment and now I am petrified about what is going to happen. She wanted me to go into hospital. Am so scared.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now my other forum is running really slowly and I am scared it will crash again. I just really need K.
The psychiatrist has really frightened me as basically, the only help she seemed able to offer is antidepressants or hospitalisation, and in fact she tried to convince me to go into hospital but I refused.
She told me any psychotherapy with a psychologist would be a long way down the line and as I have refused to go into hospital or to take medication, she isn't sure how to help me.
I have to keep a food diary to show her and she told me she wants me to eat 500 calories extra today. There is no way I can contemplate it but in the end I just agreed to anything so I could get out of there.
She wants to arrange a meeting which would involve her and all these other people which I would have to attend and I really can't handle going. It is bad seeing someone on a one to one, but I can't cope with all these other people all ganging up on me, especially when I cannot speak up for myself. I am so scared they are going to force me into hospital.
She told me she is going to ask my doctor to monitor my weight and she also wants me to have all these different blood tests done.
I don't know what to do now. I just want to get away from here because I am so scared. I just want K. I need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I know that you are finding things hard, but people are trying to help you. It will be hard but you need to help yourself too. I dont mean to sound harsh but the appoinment with the psychiatrist should have helped you - they are trying to help and want you to get better, but they can only do so much. You need to take the leap and accept the help which they are trying to give you - you say constantly how fed up and down etc you are - and these people are trying to help , and if you let them, things WILL improve for you. If you are not prepared to take the help then things wont get better.
Im sorry if ive sounded harsh i dont mean to - I know how hard it is to take the step, accept help and i also know how hard it is to believe that you will ever get better.......but with their help you will.
Tatty B xx
They only wanted to get me into hospital and I can't go there. I will avoid it at all costs, no matter what I have to do.
This isn't what K had in mind when she wanted me to get some help from them.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
What was it that K thought they would be able to do?
Tatty B xx
Karen,
'she told me she wants me to eat 500 calories extra today' How incredibly naive is that .. Did you tell her how many you were having a day ?
Is she going to feedback to K ?
The blood tests are a good idea as is regular contact with your GP whohas been really caring and concerned about you with contacting you etc. Could you get her email and respond to her calls like that.
Now I've read your email too .. I think today she was trying her best to be understanding and accomodate your wishes.
They can have a case conference without you present and one seems a good idea especially with the eating disorders manager.
Maybe you seeing this person first would be worthwhile thing to suggest as a next step.
You will need to consider a compromise soon in several aspects of your illnesses - currently it's your choice- take the lead before someone else does.
Well done for going ..
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Karen,
I can certainly see why you don't want to go into hospital - I don't think I'd be happy with that either, so maybe you have to adopt some kind of plan that will show 'them' that you are prepared to make a leap of faith.
You say the 500 extra calories would be too much to contemplate, but do you think you could go a small way towards this? I'm not familar with anorexia and the mind games that go with it, but if you eat just a little more, I think it would give you two distinct benefits besides the nutrioinal thing.
Firstly, it would show them that you are prepared to grasp the nettle even though it seems so painful and seemingly impossible. OK, maybe the 500 will be too much for you, but if you did say 100 or 200 it would show willing. Just maintaining the present level of diet is not going to get you better and they are more likely to force the issue and none of us want that.
Secondly, can you get into a frame of mind where you could "do it for K"? She obviously knows how hard this is for you, and if you reported some progress in your diet to her, this may provoke more of a response from her to lift your spirits.
Sorry to get on my soapbox on your birthday ~ I hope you can enjoy the rest of your day.
Take Care,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Ray
I have been trying to eat a little more and to maintain. Sometimes I manage it, but when I get distressed about other things it also affects what I feel able to eat.
The really annoying thing is that with a new suggestion K gave me I had actually been eating slightly better for a couple of days but now tonight feel too panicked to eat at all.
I have tried to think I will eat for K, but this unfortunately doesn't work. The anorexia sends out so many manipulative messages that I find it hard to think rationally about it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Meg
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">'she told me she wants me to eat 500 calories extra today' How incredibly naive is that .. Did you tell her how many you were having a day ?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes she knows how many calories I have been having because she had me write out exactly what I eat in a typical day, and barely amounted to 500 calories. So she is basically telling me to double my intake just like that.
I don't think she is going to feedback to K.
I don't mind the blood tests or seeing my GP, but it is all the other stuff that I really can't cope with.
Regarding the case conference, what if they decide I have to go into hospital though? I just cannot go there.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Just had a phone call from Dad now. Maybe I should've ignored it as it is the last thing I needed. He's been on the phone for over half and hour speculating about my stepmum moving in with someone else.
He told me he keeps driving round past her Mum's flat to see if my stepmum's car is there or not.
Also had to agree to him coming here tomorrow afternoon as he wants me to do some stuff online for him. He told me again how he needs to speak to me all the time because he is so lonely on his own.
Right now I could do without this but at the same time I know he's having a hard time.
All I could think about when he was on the phone is K and I wish she would get in touch tonight. I know I shouldn't want her to but I can't help it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
05-07-05, 19:36
Karen
Sorry to hear you had all this stress on your birthday of all days!!
I am not sure what to say that others haven't already said but I truly hope things can get sorted out soon.
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today.
xxx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thank you Nic. I think I will just forget it is my birthday, as it hasn't been a very good one.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Meg
I'm not sure my doctor uses email to communicate with patients, but I have to arrange an appointment now to sort out these blood tests, so I will write something so I can send it first or give it to her to read.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Now I've read your email too .. I think today she was trying her best to be understanding and accomodate your wishes.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You think I am overreacting? She did her best to convince me to go into hospital but the idea terrifies me, particularly if once there they will follow her lead and expect me to eat so much more a day than I am used to. I might well gain weight while in there, but only so I can get out and then lose it again. It won't help. Plus being cut off from K while in there will just make things a hundred times worse.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">They can have a case conference without you present and one seems a good idea especially with the eating disorders manager.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
What if they decide they are going to admit me without my agreement?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe you seeing this person first would be worthwhile thing to suggest as a next step.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm no because this person is a man.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You will need to consider a compromise soon in several aspects of your illnesses - currently it's your choice- take the lead before someone else does.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
What compromise is there? Hospital or drugs is all that she was offering me. Neither of these options are going to help. Medication won't solve my problems and is just like a band aid. And hospital will cause more problems than it solves.
K has been helping me more than this psychiatrist. Her approach is one I can relate to and had been helping me to eat a bit better - at least I have been eating something daily for the past few days.
The approach of this psychiatrist seems really outdated and from everything I have read about anorexia, telling patients to suddenly double calorie consumption and to gain so much weight every week is not going to help. All that would succeed in doing would be to force me to start lying about it and hiding what I am doing out of fear.
I know I am not making any progress really and it has to come from me, but I don't know how to do it and approaches like the one this psychiatrist is taking just make things worse. How exactly is medication going to help solve this problem? How would hospital help, bearing in mind the other issues it would cause like distress at being parted from K and my terror of being there in the first place? What other compromises are there?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
Sorry to hear what a stressful birthday you've had. I can understand why you don't want to go into hospital and I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not as I'm not an expert in anorexia and I don't know your situation in detail but..what other choices do you have? Is there any other way that you think will help get your life back on track?
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
I don't think you were overreacting as I know how much the thought terrifies you but if you continue to lose weight the choices become more limited and at this time you are still very much in control and she showed you the options that she has available right now.
I think we're all disappointed that intensive therapy was not one of these.
Didn't know he was a man.
Don't think currently they have any grounds to admit you against your will.
K is a difficult one as she is both the object that makes you starve plus the catalyst that encourages you to eat both through no direct actions on her part at all.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
I realise she gave me the choices she has available at the moment and it is precisely because I had a good idea what would be on offer that I didn't think seeing a psychiatrist would help. Hospital is a complete no-go area for me and I just knew the other option would be medication.
I am trying to maintain my weight but it's not easy and I cannot see how this appointment today has helped with this. The right kind of therapy would've been a helpful step forward, but this is just more of the same as I've had in the past.
I don't know anymore. I'm too tired to think about it further.
I think you know that without K I would lose all hope altogether, so it is important that she remains in the picture.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I am so sorry to hear that your appointment was on your birthday of all days! But I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are all so proud of you!
Have you mentioned many times that you don't feel that medication is an option for you. I respect your opinion on this, but I am curious why you feel this way? From personal experience, and the experience of those aorund me (my Mom, and friends), anti-depressants aren't a "band-aid" as you said, but helps to get you mind thinking a little more clearly so you can deal effectively with your issues. I tried everything before I resorted to anti-depressents, and only then was I able to make headway on my extreme anxiety/depression. Just a thought, might deserve a second look/think...
Great to hear you've been eating more lately, hope you can keep it up after this blip! Take care Karen,
Lisa
~Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage~ Anais Nin
Thanks for your message Lisa. No it wasn't the best birthday I've ever had, but then it is just another day really.
Regarding antidepressants, I am not saying that no one should take them or that they don't help some people, just that I don't believe this is the right path for me.
I've been prescribed antidepressants on numerous occasions in the past and had so many different ones that I can't even remember them all and none have been particularly effective. I don't see the point in taking something which isn't likely to help and certainly doesn't resolve the underlying issues.
Add to this the extra anxiety taking them would cause because of my fear of weight gain and I believe medication would only make me worse.
In the past I haven't known any different and the many psychiatrists I've seen have pushed antidepressants on me and that's all the help I've had. So, of course, even on the odd occasion when I felt maybe slightly better (and I only really recall one time when this happened), as soon as the medication was stopped the depressed returned.
Sarah: The alternative is the right kind of therapy and hospital is NOT an option, now or ever. I can't go there. I know it would be the worst thing ever and the separation from K would finish me off.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I was so exhausted after the events of yesterday, yet I still hardly had any sleep and my mind is still churning over everything today.
I can't stop thinking that they are going to take control of this situation away from me and I'm so scared. I wish they had never been involved because I am sure things are just going to get worse.
Dad is coming round later, as he wants me to do some stuff for him on the Internet but I really don't want to see him. I've had to go through the house hiding anything I don't want him to see because he picks up on the slightest thing.
I haven't heard from K today either and I can't tear myself away from the forum to keep checking whether she has been on there or not. I've had to hide her photo away because of Dad coming, when all I want to do is have her picture in front of me to feel she is close[:I].
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi honey..
how was it with your dad coming round? ok i hope.. please try not to get so anxious about what has been happening with the psychiatrist etc.. i know its hard to believe but they really are trying to help you and will do what is in your best interest. If something will make you worse, ie going to hospital it is unlikely they will do something to make you worse.. just be totally up front and honest with them about everything you are feeling and I am sure they will come up with the right solution for you.
There is a right solution for you - understand this. But help them to help you. That way, you will finally get somewhere.
We are behind you all the way.
chin up,
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Still haven't heard from K and any hopes of hearing from her today are fading now. I'm feeling really very low and have to somehow pick myself up before meeting my stepmum tonight. In fact now I wish I wasn't going out anywhere, as I just don't feel up to it, let alone pretending everything is alright when it isn't.
I was supposed to phone the psychiatrist's secretary today to give her the name of the dietician I saw but I couldn't do it. I picked the phone up several times to ring, but just couldn't make the call.
I'm still panicking about this case conference at the moment and don't know how I'm going to get through it. I really don't want their involvement. I am too scared and getting panicky about it again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
karen,
i think we posted at the same time but i replied to your last message!
just to let you know,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks for your reply Lisa.
I am just too scared to be open with them about how I am feeling. It seems that every time I tell them the truth I just make it worse for myself, because they start talking about hospital. Now I feel I need to hide everything and not let on what is going on. I just want to pretend everything is alright.
Am feeling lost without K tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Such a lot has been happening in the past 24 hours and my head is still spinning from it all.
I saw Jill, my therapist, yesterday morning. She was concerned about me because I have been feeling really bad for the past few days - not sleeping, experiencing constant anxiety, headaches, exhaustion, really depressed and so on.
We talked about my appointment with the psychiatrist and Jill asked why I am so scared of going into hospital. I've already explained some of these here which are to do with threats my parents made in order to scare me when I was younger. I am also scared of being cut off from K because this would push me over the edge.
Jill suggested that if I were to go in voluntarily, she or K could liaise with the psychiatrist and ensure that a means to contact K daily would be a condition of my admission. This might help a little, but I still don't think I need to be in hospital and I don't want to go there. My dad would have a field day for a start.
So we discussed other options and decided a compromise might be to consider attending the day hospital. I didn't want to make any decisions without K's input (who doesn't think I need to be treated as an inpatient at the moment) so Jill phoned her.
We all agreed that I will give serious consideration to the day hospital idea and Jill phoned the psychiatrist's secretary to discuss this with her. She has asked whether arrangements can be made for me to go and have a look around before committing to anything. The secretary is supposed to be ringing me today to make arrangements, but so far I haven't heard from her. I am panicking about this, as talking to her is going to be really difficult. I wish she would hurry up and ring so I can get it over and done with.
I realise that I can't continue like this and if something doesn't change soon they are going to take the choice away from me, which is what scares me so much. Jill would still prefer I admit myself to hospital to get 24 hour care but I really don't want this.
I also have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon to sort out the blood tests I have to have. She has been trying to reach me by phone, so I suppose she wants to discuss what the current situation is too. I am feeling really anxious about the appointment.
Jill let me sleep for a couple of hours after my session yesterday. It seems the only time I can sleep is after the acupuncture and hypnosis with her. I hardly slept at all again last night and feel so tired again today.
I haven't heard from K and I am finding it impossible to keep checking the forum to see whether she has replied, or has been around. I feel so low when I don't have contact with her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi there sorry to hear bout hosp and stuff
but you have to stay strong and positvie
here for you if you need to talk
leanne [8D]
Karen,
that sounds like a really good compromise and I give you my full support to this.. I think you need to give yourself a huge amount of credit for at least considering this option - well done and for realising that it can't go on like this - that has taken courage and i feel really proud of you for that..
well done. This could really be the step you need to start climbing the ladder of progress again.
good for you,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks Lisa and Leanne.
In fact the psychiatrist's secretary didn't ring today like she was supposed to, so I guess I have a reprieve for the moment. I was so panicky all day waiting for the phone to ring.
Am actually feeling really low again tonight. I am so totally exhausted from lack of sleep and I'm also freezing cold again. Have spent the evening in bed but didn't sleep.
All I can think about at the moment is K and I am I think feeling worse because she hasn't been in touch for the last couple of Saturdays, so there really feels like there is nothing to even bother getting out of bed for.
Dad rang earlier but I ignored the phone. He left a message saying he wants me to go with him to visit my brother tomorrow, but I really don't want to go. The car journey there was bad enough when my stepmum was also with us, but I can't face over an hour trapped in the car with him on my own.
He wanted me to ring him back but I couldn't cope with talking to him tonight and think I am going to be a coward and send him a text later saying I can't go tomorrow.
I got another prescription for sleep medication from my doctor today, so I have been thinking about taking an extra one to hopefully knock me out so I can sleep through most of tomorrow.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Haven't had any sleep yet and I am still worrying that I won't hear from K today.
Going to have to take the sleep medication I think and try to pass the day by sleeping.
I've also switched the phone off in case Dad tries to ring again. I can't face seeing anyone today.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Am hiding from Dad and feeling anxious that he might ring again or turn up here. I switched both my phones off this morning and took two sleeping tablets which helped knock me out for a few hours.
When I got up he has been leaving messages all over the place. The first was a text at 5am this morning but my mobile was switched off, then followed by messages on my home phone and other messages on my mobile, all telling me to ring him. They started off quite calm, just telling me to ring him when I woke up, but the last ones he sounds cross and is ordering me to ring him straight away.
This is all because I left him a message telling him I couldn't go with him today. I just can't face all the questions and accusations. He also mentioned going to my brothers for "lunch" and I didn't feel up to facing an inquisition about why I wouldn't want to eat anything and Dad trying to force me.
I know I can't avoid him forever, but right now I am too scared to ring him and I don't want to see him either.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
09-07-05, 21:55
Karen
Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day today. I can understand you not wanting to talk to dad when you feel like this.
I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and he doesn't hassle you again tomorrow.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic.
He is still hassling me tonight but I'm probably making it worse by not answering the phone. He's phoned several times but I just don't feel up to talking to him.
I am also upset and think I am being a burden to Jac. We were texting last night and she said she's talk to me later on msn. I waited but she didn't come online. I sent another text to see if we could talk on the phone instead, but she didn't reply until tonight.
She said she is busy now until Wednesday evening so I feel I shouldn't have asked her to talk. I think I'm just a burden to everyone and should never ask for anything. I just wanted to ask her something and to hear a friendly voice. I should just leave her alone though. She has her own family to worry about.
Just feel very alone here and scared by everything that is happening. It all feels like it is getting out of control and I don't know how to cope.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry to read how hard things have being for you. I know i havent being on site much recently but you know if you need to talk or just want someone about who will text you, you can contact me whenever.
By reading your posts i can see things have taken a turn for the worse and i wish i could make it better for you.
I can offer you advice now, as i have done before but how you are at the moment i think you just need someone that will listen and not judge. You are getting lots of great advice and sometimes i know it is just nice to know that someone is there who will listen and support you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
Thanks for your message and I do really appreciate your support. It does help to have people who can listen without judging me. I have enough negative thoughts about myself for everyone.
I know no one can make this better for me and I have to do it myself, but it feels like a battle that is just too hard to face right now. I feel like I am hurting everyone and hate myself for this. I want to be with K so much, but I can't and the pain is unbearable.
Don't know what to do about Dad and just don't want to talk to or see anyone in my family at the moment. I'm too tired to keep up the act of pretending everything is alright when things are very far from being ok. I can't explain it to them and just need to be with people who understand what this is like.
I don't know what I'll do if I don't hear from K tomorrow.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I can totally appreciate how you want to be with people who understand and i agree maybe you should try to distance yourself from your dad however pushy he gets with you.
Take care hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thanks Sal. I'm afraid things just keep getting worse and I feel so bad today.
I haven't heard from K today and am very worried that I have done something wrong, as she has read my message but not replied. She doesn't normally do this since she introduced new rules and 'banned' words. I don't think I have broken these rules so I don't know why she hasn't replied. I must have done something wrong.
Since getting up I haven't been able to tear myself away from the computer. I need to keep checking for her, to see whether she has come back on the forum again. I don't know how I am going to get through tonight without her.
I am still having problems with Dad. The ringer on my phone has been off all day and I've had my mobile switched off, but he has been ringing at regular intervals, leaving me messages which are getting angrier and wanting to know what I am "up to".
In the end I sent him a text message telling him I am fine but have been out and cannot to ring him today. This hasn't stopped the phone calls though. He seems to be compensating for not being able to control my stepmum by being worse with me.
I'm just feeling really very low today. I took a sleeping tablet this morning, but still didn't sleep very well. I kept waking and then couldn't get off to sleep again. I didn't feel able to get out of bed either though and have spent the day in bed. I know it is stupid but I just can't find enthusiasm or the strength to do anything.
I just need K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Another bad day for me. I hardly slept again and just feel completely drained today.
I also have not heard from K as yet and don't know whether I will, so I am finding it impossible to get away from the computer or stop checking whether she has been on the forum.
I'm really scared that Dad will ring later and I know he is really angry with me for not answering his phone calls over the weekend. I know I can't keep avoiding speaking to him forever but I can't handle him shouting at me either. I don't know what to do and I'm getting even more anxious and panicky every time the phone rings. Any withheld numbers and I'm ignoring it in case it is him.
I also have an appointment at the dentist this afternoon to have my filling done and I am feeling really anxious about that. I've postponed the appointment so many times that I know I just need to go and get it over with. It isn't easy though, particularly when I am feeling so low and struggling with all this anxiety anyway.
Just wish I had heard from K today because she makes me feel so much better.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Still nothing from K and I am now scared the forum is going to crash again. It is running so slowly and some very strange things are happening.
Got through the dentist appointment not too badly but this insert doesn't feel right already and think I might have to go back. It would be much less hassle just to have the tooth out.
I'm getting really jumpy about the phone ringing now and worrying it will be Dad. He often phones late afternoon or between about 7-7.30 so I think I'll go to Tescos as I need some food for my cats then I might be able to avoid him again.
I just need to hear from K.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen sorry to hear things are not going to well for you at the moment hear for you if you need to talk
maybe you could put a block on his number and maybe get a device that shows up the number of who is ringing you?
just a thought
well done for going to dentist if it is not right in nxt wk contact your dentist and tell him
take care
leanne
Thanks Leanne.
I already have caller display but Dad withholds his number so that doesn't help me too much.
Still nothing from K and am feeling really low and anxious that I will not hear from her tonight now.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
11-07-05, 20:37
Karen
Well done on going to the dentist at last. Hope they sort the tooth out properly for you.
Sorry you have not heard from K - I am sure she will reply when she can ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thanks Nic.
I did hear from K late last night but have spent the night in a panic and feeling really upset by something she said. This isn't her fault, it is all mine. I want what I can't have with her and it hurts so much I can't cope with the pain.
I am so desperately unhappy and terribly low right now and can't see there being any future for me in light of this. She is so kind and caring and I'm just a burden. I don't want to hurt her anymore.
I just don't know how to handle this and I don't think I can do it anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen i know its hard right now but you must know that your not a burden and will miss you if you do anything rash
so try to keep your chin up i know it is hard but you can get through this promise
here for you if you want to chat
leanne [8D]
Am having a really bad day today. I was upset last night when K told me something that really hurts so much. I know she cares and hasn't said it to hurt me but just to try to bring me back to reality. Deep down I already what she said is true and that my relationship with her is entirely fantasy, but it still hurts to read it in black and white.
I feel so stupid because she offers me normal friendship, but I can't break free from the obsessive attachment and so risk losing everything by not accepting what she is able and willing to give. I don't know why she bothers with me at all after the way I behave.
I struggle with thoughts from my anorexia telling me I will have the relationship I hope for with K if only I do what the anorexic thoughts tell me to do. I had an email from my therapist and feel that even she thinks I am using these fears relating to the connection between losing K and eating as an excuse not to face upto my anorexia. I can't get away from these thoughts though and am too scared to ignore them. If I don't eat and lose more weight I believe I might then be good enough for K, whereas at the moment I don't deserve to be loved by anyone, least of all her.
My own Mum doesn't love me and rejects me, so why on earth would anyone else?
I fear I am pushing K further away by hanging onto my obsessive attachment. This is all too much today.
I had a letter from the psychiatrist's secretary today. I thought it was going to be about the day hospital, even though I don't want to go there. I had been coming round to the idea because I started to admit I need more help and don't want to keep being such a burden to K. However, all the psychiatrist has sent me is some information about SSRIs. I told her I do NOT want medication and this seems to be all they are interested in offering me. Why don't they listen? This is all psychiatrists do, just push drugs onto people. There is no point continuing with her. I can see the way this is going. I don't even want to consider the day hospital anymore. It will just give them another way of trying to give me more drugs and is a step closer to them getting me into hospital full time. I can't go there.
The situation with my dad and stepmum is getting worse and despite trying to stay out of it, I have ended up being caught in the middle. I feel they are both trying to manipulate me and get me to take sides and get information about the other. I just want to be left alone.
I feel so bad because I've just given in to the depression today and couldn't even see any point in getting out of bed. It seems that no matter what I do nothing is ever going to help. I am hurting people and I just burden them with my problems. I think they would be better off if I weren't here.
Don't know how much more I can take.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
you've done really well so far karen, so theres no reason why the depression will win now..
Dont just dismiss the psychiatrist secretary already after just one letter - you are fairly new to her and she obviously doesnt know how strongly you feel towards AD's.. is it possible for you to ring her? or write to her explaining this, and also mentioning that you are willing to go to the day hospital? just think about it.
as for the thoughts - i know how the just dont let up sometimes but you know distraction can give you a moments peace from them.. its been a lovely day today for you to get into the garden and water the plants.. maybe tomorrow? chin up honey.. and a big virtual hug..
lisa xxxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Thanks Lisa.
Both the psychiatrist and her secretary have been told, not just by me but also by K and by my therapist that I do not want antidepressants. The psychistrist is not listening though and seems determined to push them on me.
Just need K but I'm ruining everything.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
For the first time in quite a while, I am finding it so very difficult to resist the temptation to self-harm. I thought I was past this. I don't know how to cope with the way I'm feeling tonight. I know it's so stupid.
I'm trying to distract myself but the urges are getting stronger. If I give in it will just be something else I've failed at.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
Knowing what to do and being able to do it are two different things though.
I should be stronger and be able to resist but I'm not and I know it is further evidence that I just fail in everything.
Now I'm letting K down again.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
karen,
you are strong enough to resist as you have resisted before. You have done it before and you are strong. believe this.
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Too late:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Tried so hard to fight the temptation but couldn't stop myself in the end. Nothing was helping and I gave in.
Now I feel so ashamed that I have let K down in so many ways today. Not only have I not managed to make an idiot of myself by what I said to her, I've also given in to self-harm which I haven't done for several months until tonight.
No wonder she could never feel the way for me that I dream of. I'm making everything so much worse and if I carry on like this I will end up pushing her away completely because of my obsessive behaviour.
I'm so stupid and I hate being so obsessive. I am going to lose everything this way. Just don't know what to do anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I think you're just going to have to write off yesterday as a bad day.. its been done now.. dont beat yourself up over it, its done and gone.
Today is a new day.. It can and most likely will be better than yesterday.. Im not going to pretend I know how hard it is, i can only imagine, but try and move on from yesterday and start afresh today - getting outside in the sun and pottering.. do something to make you feel better.. think of something you like doing for you, ie reading, or writing a short story, or a bath, or a girly film..
i'll send you positive vibes today.. I'm off to see my CBT therapist today so feel a bit wobbly myself! I'll do it though and so can you.
big hugs,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
How did the session with your therapist go?
I was hoping for a better day today, but I'm still feeling very low. I'm desperate to hear from K and feel upset that she posted on the forum this morning but didn't read or reply to my message. I suppose I don't deserve any different after my behaviour yesterday.
Am also panicking about this situation with my house and what to do about moving etc. I don't see how I can afford to stay here and the situation keeps getting worse but I feel unable to actually do anything about it, even though I need to.
If I move it will have to be a studio flat as it's all I could afford and I wouldn't be able to take my cats with me. I feel so guilty because I don't know what to do about them. I would hate to have to take them to a shelter for rehoming but it doesn't look like I've got any option. I keep trying to make myself take some action about this because there are usually waiting lists at these places but I've only got as far as making a list of those in this area. I can't bring myself to speak to anyone.
The situation with my dad and stepmum is getting worse and I am getting caught up in the middle of it. I feel like I can't cope with seeing or talking to either of them right now, and I've already ignored the phone today because I thought it could have been dad.
All this extra stress and turmoil just makes me need K even more and I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen,
thanks - my session with my CBT therapist went well.. I seemed to do a lot of talking which is good and she did a lot of nodding!
about your move - are you talking about selling your house and renting? why cant you take your cats? I'm renting and my landlord has no problem with cats, infact it was her idea!
and as for your dad and step mum, the situation sounds terrible.. its horrible being stuck in the middle.. I am stuck in the middle of a family thing too and i hate it.. I told my therapist today and she told me to tell them that I have my own issues now and I'm sorry but until i'm feeling more up to it, I can't help you right now.. just be honest basically..
as for K, maybe she is just extremely busy right now and knows you have a lot on your plate too and giving you some space to sort out your issues.. ie being a good friend ! ! I'm sure she will be in touch soon though so dont worry too much.
write soon,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Glad your session went well.
Ideally I don't want to rent unless I have no other choice because rents are generally higher than mortgage payments and a lot of the flats in good areas don't allow pets, or take people on housing benefit.
Probably my best option financially is to downsize to a studio flat, which is about all that would be in my price range and this would be too small for my cats and not have any garden for them.
I can't see a way round it but I can't face up to the problem and do anything about it either. If I leaves things as they are it is all going to come crashing down on top of me.
Regarding K, she isn't staying away to be a good friend to me because she knows that makes me feel worse. She knows how I feel about her and how much I need contact with her. I know she is busy and I try to be patient and wait, but the obsession takes over and I can't stop the compulsion to keep checking whether she's been online.
I know she has been online several times today, which makes me feel hurt and that she doesn't want to know me. I start panicking I've done something wrong, or that I've hurt her or she is annoyed with me - particularly after yesterday. I hate being like this and I don't know why she does bother with me. I certainly don't deserve her friendship.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Although I did hear from K last night, I am still concerned that she is disappointed in me and doesn't believe I am doing enough to help myself. There are a couple of things she said in her message which make me believe she thinks I could be doing more, particularly about setting up arrangements to visit the day hospital.
Really I am just hoping this idea fizzles out and nothing comes of it, because although I agreed to consider it as an option I really still don't want to go. It feels like going there is a step towards losing control.
I have an appointment with my therapist this morning but I didn't sleep at all last night, so I am so tired. I went to bed and tried to sleep but I have so much on my mind that I was just lying in bed not being able to switch off. I know I will feel better after my session, but I just wish I didn't have the drive there.
Plus I want to be at the computer waiting for K. I need to know whether she thinks I've let her down.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
hope it went ok today with your therapist,
Lisa is right you have to think about yourself at the moment you have enough to deal with, without their problems on top,
Maybe you should give K's suggestion about the hospital a try, i dont think its a step backwards, maybe the opposite, K seems to have your best interests at heart, so i would trust her on that one, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain
take care pet
kairen x
Hi Karen,
I too think you ought to give the day hospital thing a go. It will always be better if you take the initiative - you are more likely to be in control then.
As for K, I think she still thinks of you as a valued and good friend and she has your interests at heart. Maybe its a case of you having compulsive and obsessive thoughts about her, whereas her thoughts about you may be more controlled, yet still being a good friend to you.
I can see how these times are so difficult for you, with your Dad around your neck.
Do I presume that you would want to live within the same general area? Just wondered if there are any cheaper areas out there where you could have a garden, as I think those cats are very good for you.
Remember, we are always here for you.
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Had a good session with my therapist and I was feeling so much calmer and more relaxed. However, I've just got back and read a message from K. She is away for a whole week now and I'm now panicking and feeling very distressed again. :(:(:(
I know she doesn't want to see me go to pieces like this but I just can't help it. It is so hard to cope when she's not around and I just feel like giving up.
Thanks Kairen and Ray. K wants me to be proactive and phone the psychiatrist's office to ask what is happening about the day hospital. I want to please her, but I am too scared. I want to be able to prove her faith in me is justified but I'm afraid I'll just let her down.
Ray - yes I want to stay in the general area. However, cheaper areas generally mean rougher areas and I wouldn't feel safe. I think smaller is the only way to go.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I fell asleep while watching TV but have just woken from a nightmare. Feeling panicky now.
Was dreaming that I was hiding out at home from everyone because the 'men in white coats' were coming to drag me off to hospital. K had even given up on me because I was so useless and had failed to get better.
Just feeling so low I feel like crying. I'm so stupid I am panicking following a dream.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Still finding it very tough without K. The fact that she isn't around at all makes it so difficult because I worry about her being safe and have no way of knowing whether she is or not. I'm trying to control my compulsions to check on her but this is so very difficult.
I'm not feeling too good today, as I have a migraine on top of all the distressing feelings I have about K's absence. I've spent a large part of the day in bed, although this is not just because of K but also because I don't feel well.
The fact that I want her to be pleased with me, rather than letting her down which I usually think I'm doing, has been making me try to eat something today in spite of the anorexia telling me I should starve myself. I don't care what damage anorexia causes me, but I do care about K and how she feels. I am trying to eat something, however small, for her because I can't do it for myself.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
thats good that you got the better of the voice of anorexia and you ate anyway.. afterall, its you that decides, not the anorexia.
you have coped without K before and you will again.. it was hard but you did it.. sorry you have a migraine.. they are so debilitating at the best of times. do you have medication for them? the hot weather probably isn't helping.
anyway. i hope you get some sleep tonight. have you listened to your relaxation cd lately? are you reading a book at the moment?
night night,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
hi Karen,
hows it going this week so far? how was your weekend?
hope you're doin' ok..
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Lisa
Thanks for your message and sorry I hadn't replied to the last one. I've just been trying to do what I can to get through these days that K is away and that has meant not being on the computer so much.
When she is away I feel so lost without her. My compulsions to check for her are still there and this makes things worse because I cannot find signs of her on various sites, and this makes me worry whether she is OK.
Before she went away, she was encouraging me to write in a more positive way, leaving out all negative interpretations and to avoid beating myself up, even though I don't believe the positive things. Maybe I'm quite doing when she had in mind though, as it has been too difficult to think of anything positive about this situation, so I haven't been writing anything.
I also didn't want to admit that I'm struggling with the anorexia at present. I'm finding it difficult to eat and therefore to stabilise my weight. The anorexia wants me to keep losing weight and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi Karen ,
sorry you are struggling with K being away.. but at least you are getting through it, that is one good thing.
how has it been left with the psychiatrist secretary and your therapist? was the last contact about the meds? or were you meant to ring her back?
when is K due back? and have you managed to do any relaxation this weekend?
I'm started yoga last week - have you thought about taking that up? I find it very relaxing and helps you keep your mind off your stresses if only for an hour and a half.. whilst trying to get in funny positions!
well i hope you are managing to keep up some food intake.
hugs,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Hi Karen
Sorry it has being a while since i posted but i have being busy with work and home life has being rather hectic.
Sorry to hear you are struggling with K being away. I will catch up with you later once i have Sam settled in bed.
Take care.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Lisa
I have no idea what is happening with the psychiatrist. Her secretary was supposed to be ringing me to make arrangements for me to have a look round the day hospital, so I could decide whether to try this option or not. However, I've not heard anything and seeing as I really am not keen on going and I don't want to have to ring her, I haven't chased this up.
The last communication I had from the psychiatrist was an information sheet about SSRIs, and this was after I'd already said that I don't want antidepressants.
I'm still seeing my private therapist and have an appointment with her on Thursday.
I have a couple of relaxation CDs that I use regularly. I haven't really considered yoga, firstly because this involves being with other people and secondly as I can't really afford to do things like that regularly. I hope you enjoy it though and that it helps.
With the help of Jac, I've arranged appointments for estate agents to do valuations on my house to try to get this side of things sorted out. I know I can't just bury my head in the sand and hope this mess goes away. I've been looking at other properties too, but there is hardly anything in my price range in my town. It might mean I have to move slightly further away and I'm not sure how I feel about that. In a way it would be good to put a bit of space between me and Dad, but on the other hand I would be further from Jac too.
I'm also a bit worried as I don't know which are the good and bad areas there and don't want to move somewhere that I don't feel safe.
I better not mention food intake as I'm not doing too well there.
I'm still missing K. I think about her every minute of every day and nothing changes where this is concerned.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
No problem Sal. Hope you are OK.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Karen i am okay.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
nomorepanic
19-07-05, 20:15
Karen
Sorry you are not doing so well still but we are all here for you no matter what.
I am sure the estate agents would be able to offer some advice about where to live. If you are not happy asking them I am more than happy to call on your behalf, explain that you are single female etc and want a nice area.
I am sure they would be completely honest with me if they thought there may be a sale there!
Let me know ok?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Thank you Nic. That is very kind of you.
I am still checking out the estate agents websites and seeing what I could possibly afford but I might take you up on your offer once my house is on the market and I start looking for somewhere properly.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
19-07-05, 21:04
Well let me know Karen - you know I don't mind doing that. It will just be a few phone calls and at least that is one less thing to worry about yeah?
Sorry it has come to this but as you say you can't bury your head in the sand and ignore it so let's make it as painless as possible ok?
I would even have the cats but mine would not appreciate it I am afraid.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
I really appreciate your help Nic. I've been trying to put off doing anything because it all seems too much on top of everything else, but then worrying about my financial situation is adding to my problems anyway.
There is so much to organise and I'm not feeling up to doing any of it really. I couldn't even ring and arrange to valuations myself and needed help with this. Then there will be viewings and waiting to find a buyer, finding somewhere else to live, all the packing and sorting out. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything.
I'm even too scared to tell Dad what is happening because I know he is not going to approve and will use it as an excuse to tell me again how useless I am for getting into this situation. He'll try to stop me moving further away because he won't be able to watch me or control me so much. He's been ringing on and off all evening and I'm not sure if he knows something is going on. Some of my post had been opened when I got it this morning, and this was some property details.
Also I needed help making phone calls about my cats. I'm at the stage now where I can't see what else I can do but rehome them through a rescue centre. I just feel so bad and so guilty doing this. They are on the waiting list for a couple now, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to take them there and leave them.
It is very kind of you to say you would have them if it weren't for your own cats. I know adult cats often don't mix together very well.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
What you are feeling without pressure is hard enough but after reading your posts you have added pressure i know you could do without and are finding hard to handle, like any of us would.
What can i say, i live too far away to offer practical support but i can only reiterate that if you need a friend i am here and you are not going through this alone.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sal
Thanks for your message. Even though you are right that I don't need this extra stress on top of everything else, however even this is my own doing really. It is therefore my own fault that I am in such a mess now. Ignoring the problem for so long didn't help either, but then when struggling with these other issues it was one more thing I felt unable to deal with.
I appreciate your support. I can do with all the friends I can get at the moment.
I feel like I'm drowning.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm having a very bad day today. I feel so low and cannot cope with any of this. I just feel totally overwhelmed by everything.
All these problems are my fault. I caused them all and I should stop moaning about how bad my life is. I think everyone will just get fed up with me, if they are not already.
I'm missing K like mad. She's in my thoughts every second of every minute of every day. She has been online on another site today and I hate myself for feeling jealous that she is posting elsewhere but hasn't been in contact with me. I know how very terrible I am for being like this.
What is worse is that I'm getting really upset about her being away again on Friday. She is attending an event and promoting her business, so I know it is work related, but I can't stop thinking about all the people that will have the chance to see her and speak to her. They will have time to be with her but I can't. I'm not handling it very well because I want to be with her more than anything else in the world.
Now I know I am being completely selfish but I don't know how to cope with Friday, and this is also the day I've got estate agents coming round here. I just wish it would all go away. I wish I could be with K and she could give me a hug and make everything all right again. I need her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hi karen,
sorry to read your struggling so much. try and take it one day at a time hun and keep yourself occupied. wishing you some support and serenity, take care .. andrew
Thanks Andrew but I can't handle this anymore. I feel so down tonight. I don't know how to cope. I feel like I need to self-harm as it's the only way to get rid of these feelings of despair and self-hatred. I deserve to punish myself.
I don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
20-07-05, 22:35
Hi Karen
I just thought that I would say hi, we are all missing you on chat, but I understand why you have not been in.
I am so sorry things are not imrpoving for you, I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you overcome all this but I cant!
My thoughts are with you and we are always here if you ever need any of is, Alex is back on chat now and if u at the weekend you need to talk you have my number.
I know your relationship with K is a difficult one and I know how much you miss her.
She obviously cares a great deal, but realistically you need to overcome this and I just hope there is another solution to this for you.
If you ever need us shout loudly!!
All my love and hugs to you
Love
sue with 5
scknight
Hi Karen
You answered my last post and you said it is your doing. Regardless of that and what i think i still understand it is hard for you and how you struggle.
I am going to be honest with you and you know i always am, yes it is fact that you got yourself into this situation again where you rely on someone 24/7 but that doesnt mean i am here to condem you.
I do at times find it hard to understand as i always see it as one bitten twice shy but then i see you and know you need that connection with someone to make your life worthwhile.
I just wish you could see that you live for you and no one else can give you that strength. EVeryone around us can offer hope and support but they cant breath for us and give us the reality that only we can see.
However low we get Karen and i have being there, there is only one person that can admit to want to keep fighting and that comes from within regardless of how bad it gets. Noone can ask or tell you that you have to do that, it is down to you and you keep fighting it and i want you to look at that and realise what strength you have for doing that, no one is dictating to you you are doing it on your own.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Sue
Thanks for your message. I realise I haven't been in chat for some time, I just don't feel up to it at present. I realise isolating myself from people even more than I am anyway probably doesn't help but I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say.
Other people have suggested I am looking for someone to wave a magic wand and I guess we all want this at some point but I do know it isn't possible and I am the only one who can do anything about my problems. I just don't seem capable to doing it.
I appreciate your support, thank you. Perhaps my relationship with K doesn't help me in the long term, but right now I need her and I cannot live without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal
I believe I am responsible and it is my fault that I have all the issues I am struggling with now, not just the attachment one. You are quite right that I did go head first into this relationship with K, straight from trying to deal with the last attachment I had to my tutor.
It is because I could not cope without my tutor that I was vulnerable to starting a new attachment with someone else. Likewise, I know there is no point trying to break the attachment to K, or to cut contact with her, as this will not solve the problem. I would be likely to become obsessive about someone else, if I even survived losing K in the first place. In the position I am in now, with everyone telling me I am suffering from severe anorexia, I think I would be likely to give up complete and let it kill me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I do at times find it hard to understand as i always see it as one bitten twice shy but then i see you and know you need that connection with someone to make your life worthwhile.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is because I need that connection to someone. I am desperate for th love and attention I've never had from my parents. I feel like I grew up in a situation where love was withheld until I could be 'good enough' for my parents and be the kind of daughter they want me to be. Of course, I always failed to be this perfect person, and I am still failing. This doesn't stop me from believing that I should be perfect and that every tiny mistake I make, or thing I do wrong, just confirms what a useless and worthless person I am.
Sometimes I just feel like none of this is worth it anymore because I am fighting a losing battle. I worry constantly about losing K because I don't think I deserve her friendship or to have her care about me. I am slowly starving myself due to anorexia and I am unable to stop this either. I really do feel like I don't even deserve to be here anymore and that people would be better off without me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm really panicking tonight. I had an OK session with my therapist but she has scared me by talking about how much worse my health is getting due to anorexia and mentioning hospital again.
Also I am worried about a message I received from someone and this is also making me panic. It is like they are trying to frighten me.
I'm also feeling low this evening because I thought I would hear from K today but so far I haven't had a message. I'm getting upset thinking she won't be in touch today, and I know she won't tomorrow as she is away for the day.
Feeling so down tonight.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
i am burning dinner (again) so just a quickie to say that no matter how hard things are for you right now, I still think you are an incredibly strong person.. as well as very caring towards others.. these are such great characteristics and you should feel proud of them.
dont be scared - it'll be ok.. spring will come again for you..
big hug,
lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
Now I can't access my PM's on my other forum. So even if K sends me a message I won't be able to read it. I can't write to her either.
I can't cope with this. I just can't do it anymore. I need her and I can't do this without her. Everything is going wrong. I don't want to be here without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now my email isn't working properly either. I can't take anymore of this:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have just been self harming again. Don't know what to do. Everything is going wrong.
I can't contact K and she won't be able to contact me. This is a total disaster. My whole life is a disaster. I don't want to be here anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
21-07-05, 23:18
Karen
I am having a bad week too so I can sympathise when it is a constant battle with it.
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I do feel for you and am here if you need me ok?
Take care and please don't worry - things will work out however they are meant to.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Nic
Sorry you are also having a bad week. Sometimes it is too overwhelming when all these extra stresses get piled on top of everything when life is such a struggle anyway.
Thanks for saying you are here for me, especially when you are not having a good time either.
I just don't know how much more I can take. With K here and hearing from her regularly I just about cope, but when I am cut off from her it all gets too much. Right now continuing to fight is too hard.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Now the forum has gone down completely. There is no end to this tonight...
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
I am on site and if you want to talk you know you can text me.
Dont feel you are alone as we all do want to help you and understand how you feel in the aspect of anxiety.
I am sorry that if at times i open up and sound myself of too much but it is only ever done in the best interests of you.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Thank for ringing tonight Sal and sorry I wasn't very chatty. I've really withdrawn into myself since I have started to struggle so much.
I know anything you say is just because you care and are trying to help. I'm just not coping at all well at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I'm still panicking and experiencing extreme anxiety this morning because the other forum is still down and I am so terrified it will be down all weekend now. This means I won't have any contact with K again and I need her.
This is a completely disaster and it affecting everything. I cannot think straight because the high anxiety and I feel so low I just want to end it all. My anorexia is worse and I can't eat so I'm losing more weight now.
Just want all this mental anguish and pain to stop.
Have got the first estate agent coming soon and I am just going to pieces.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
I'm sure the other forum will be up and running before Monday - surely it can't take 3 days?
It's good that the first estate agent is coming as it means that things are moving along. It will be hard but soon, you will living somewhere smaller and not have all the worries you have now..
Sarah :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Thanks Nigel and Sarah.
One estate agent down and one to go. They sent a woman luckily for me.
The other forum is still down. Last time it was this bad it was down for much longer than 24 hours. No one is going to be working on it on a Saturday are they?
This is a catastrophy. I can't cope with not hearing from Kathleen for that long. I need her.
I have also been to the doctor's. She wasn't fooled by my attempts to hide my weight loss. She wants me to start including a new food into my diet daily. I can't do it. At the moment I am in such a state I can't eat at all.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Sorry that you havent had a good day. I know this eating issue is hard for you. I am sure the site will be up and running as soon as it can be and we are always here for you.
It was good to talk to you last night.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
The forum is up again... for now. I am still feeling anxious and panicky about it though because apparently it was running for a while this morning but then it crashed again. I keep expecting it to go down again at any minute.
I also don't think I will be hearing from K today, as she has been away and busy at an event promoting her business. I hate myself for wanting to hear from her and know how selfish and self-centred I'm being by wanting her to write when she is so busy. I just need her so much.
Still can't eat as I am scared if I eat the forum will crash again and also if I eat it means I am guaranteed not to have any contact from K. I can't take that risk.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen
Pleased the forum is back up. I am not going to tell you to eat as you know yourself that you should be. But you are really going to have to try and remove issues that if you eat other aspects of your life will go wrong to punish you. If K hasnt got time to get in touch today it will not be if you do or dont eat hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
Hi Karen
That is a great piece of advice from Nigel hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
nomorepanic
22-07-05, 21:37
Karen
Lovely to talk tonight - sorry I rambled on and on as usual - I am good at that - I can talk for England lol.
Hope you are ok.
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Hi Sal
I do try to countermand the thoughts about events happening as a result of whether I eat or not, but this is so hard to do, particularly when what I am expecting to happen actually does.
I feel like it is best to play safe and not eat anything 'just in case', particularly when these fears relate to hearing from K or not, or anything which might affect my contact with her.
This all happens because I need her so much and connect handle the way I feel without her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nic
Thank you so much for ringing tonight. It did help to talk to you. I think having someone talking to me about 'normal' everyday things is what I need.
I really appreciate you caring enough to think of me and to take the time to call. Thank you.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Nigel
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Rather than expecting it to crash again, how’s about expecting it to stay up and running? Hard I know, but in truth, which ever you choose to ‘expect’ isn’t gonna make any difference. So it’s gotta be more calming to expect the best unless events prove otherwise, yes?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The problem is that expecting the best usually leads to disappointment and feeling even worse when it all goes wrong, which it usually does.
If I expect the forum to remain up and running and then it crashes again I will be even more upset and distressed when the crash happens. The forum has been having problems with the server for months now and I can't believe it has been fixed once and for all.
Anything which jeopardizes my contact with K is impossible to ignore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Sue K with 5
22-07-05, 23:26
Hi Karen
I hope you are feeling a little better today honey! I am so glad you had a nice chat with Nic, she is lovely and so supportive!
I really hope that this weekend see you spending some quality time for yourself and even a little time on relaxing
Please keep us up to date with how you are
Take care
All my love
Sue with 5
Ps thanks for posting me the other day it meant so much
scknight
hi karen,
i did want to say something about you relating the issue of whether you eat or not, with totally unrelated issues (such as k being in contact with you). this is your illness talking, its only reality is enabling you to starve yourself.
you do really need to try and challenge these types of thoughts as being part of your illness, you might not be able to control how you feel but your quite capable of controlling how you think.
and i know life is stressing you out at present - try not to let your feelings overwhelm you. try and maintain some kind of recovery process for yourself. anyway wishing you support, you take care .. andrew
Thanks for your message Sue.
I have been up all night and am finding it so hard to relax until I hear from K but I don't think I am going to hear from her today either.
Just can't cope with feeling like this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Andrew
The trouble is I can't control it, not the feelings and not the thoughts. They completely overwhelm me and panic me into starving myself because being close to K and having contact with her is so vital to my life. Without her I can't survive, nor would I want to.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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