Could you describe your depression

[Yvonne]

Hi All

I get so hung up on the symptoms I get and so I wondered if you would all let me know how your depression "feels" to you. I want to know how others feel inside and how they think. I just want to compare myself to others.

Thanks all. xx

[nickieb]

When mine is bad & its usually a bad bought of health anxiety that makes it worse but i always hate getting up in the morning like i cant face the day & look forward to going to bed all the time.

I tend to feel nauseated a lot & just generally upset- i cry a lot & dwell on my HA... i feel scared and its just like life is too much & i never seem to smile.
I also feel very lethargic & have no energy & certainly cant eat (its great for weight loss)!!

SO thats me & my battle!!
I am on no medication- just herbal supplements & at times i can deal with it & other times i cant.

My advice to depression sufferers is go to work....its distraction & is the best treatment. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!

[Diane O'Brien]

Hi Yvonne

My depression is worse in the morning. Its deep sadness and I feel inadaquate and useless. I feel like crying. On a good day I feel a lot better at dinner time on a bad day the doom lasts all day.

Everythings an effort, to drag myself into the shower and get up sometimes in the morning is hard. I like to go for a walk and find this helps tremendously also talking to other people.I feel isolated sometimes so I do try and talk to other people. Like nickie says keeping busy however I left work after a bad bout of depression, I cant work at the minute. I have two children so this helps on me going outside. During a really bad bout I could,nt sleep I survived on 3 hours sleep, doing a degree and working full time and I got down to 8 stone. No wonder I crashed into major depression.

Be kind to yourself and remember your not alone. Ever.

Take Care

Diane :bighug1: :whistles: I also love dancing, any exercise is good.

[eeyorelover]

I feel bogged down.
Everything is a chore!
It seems like my body is weighed down and it takes loads more energy to get anything done.
Energy that I just don't have!!
All my emotions seem so much more vivid!
If that even makes any sense.
Like I could just cry if any little thing happens and sometimes it feels like I could cry forever!
Once the floodgates open they don't want to close!!!
And all I want to do is sleep!!
When I'm low I LOVE to sleep!
That is how it feels for me anyway.
But remember altho we do have loads of symptoms that are similar we are all individuals so your experiences could vary.
xxx
Sandy

[Yvonne]

Thank you all so much. I was pleased because a lot of you have described the same sort of feelings I get.

Despite being on meds I still get this horrible gutted feeling and nothing seems to lift it. I get the lump in the throat and it feels that I need to cry. The crying (and I don't cry so much now) doesn't really lift the feeling as it should. Crying is good and it is our natural relaxant but I can still feel low after I've cried.

I don't suffer so much with the lack of energy stuff now I can motivate much better as well but life still seems very empty. I don't work because the anxiety just won't allow it yet.

Thanks all so much because I needed to hear that others feel as I do - you just don't feel so alone do you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[mabel]

I don't sleep.
I wake up early in a complete panic.
Very tired and have no energy
I feel sick all the time
Very anxious
Chest pains
Feels like I can't breathe properly
My eyes just feel really odd
It's like I'm not really here
I feel like I'm helpless
Thoughts constantly going round my head
Body feels like lead
No motivation
Can't concentrate, not even on watching TV
Feel on edge, but tired to move
Feel completly hopless
The day seems to last forever. Every minute seems to take an hour.
I have no appetite at all
Feel weak
I cry all the time
Mornings are just hell
Feels like every bit of life in me has been drained away

Theres more. I could go on forever!

Mabel

[belle]

Mine are these.

Its as if i am covered by a cloud of doom
I fear everything
I feel lathargic
I cry
I don't want to get out of bed
I am angry with myself
I feel that i am not significant to anyone or anything
The world would be better without me
I hate myself
Can't think straight

...thats all i can think of right now.

[ElizabethJane]

Dearest Yvonne I hope that you never have to feel the feelings of dread and utter despair. Of going to sleep and never wanting to wake up. Of being in the dark everything is black unable to enjoy life. Depersonalisation like being in a glass box, invisible, shrinking away inside myself dust inside a coffin. not really knowing whether you are alive or dead you dont matter, feelings dont matter, no feelings of self worth, feelings of panic paranoia if you just disappeared now nobody would notice. So so tired and dreaming and waking sometimes dreaming that you are dead screaming yourself alive again. Did you really want to know all this. A living hell. Cant tell anyone how bad it is getting feelings of suicide become the norm. This not how I am feeling now. I have somehow managed to break out of the glass box.

[Natural Mystic]

My advice to depression sufferers is go to work....its distraction & is the best treatment. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!
couldn't agree more

[Smiley?]

My advice to depression sufferers is go to work....its distraction & is the best treatment. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!


couldn't agree more



Erm.... was just about to say, it depends what your job is....

But then I saw that nickie is a nurse - so i'm gonna shut up!!!

[Yvonne]

Smiley xxxx

Despite what others' say about working being the best medicine for depression, I'm afraid that isn't always possible. At certain times during the illness you cannot work.

I can't work, think about it every day, would love to be out there mixing with people and having something to make me feel as if I am achieving something. Unfortunately, my anxiety will not allow it, this isn't me being a coward and lacking courage to go and do it - my shrink would agree (and has) that it's something that we hope I can manage to get back to in time. Don't start worrying about not working at the mo - you are not up to it yet.

Thank you all so much for the honest and detailed replies I appreciate it very much. I was glad to read that so many people do cry because even though I don't cry as much as I did a few months ago - I still get the feeling - not so intense now but I do get it and it worries me badly. Lots of the descriptions of how "your" depression feels I could relate to so thanks again.

Elizabeth - you described your depression very well and it's when you have felt depression that you can describe it in such painful detail. Depersonalisation I can't relate to, never had it and don't really know how it feels. I know y ou have suffered badly but I'm no stranger to this illness either - had it a very long time now. I am so glad you are doing ok at the moment and long may it last.

I think the worst thing is if you suffer with both anxiety and depression. It's a vicious circle because you know there are certain things that could make you feel better - hence the depression would hopefully lessen. However, when you feel so anxious that you can't go to town shopping alone or join a gym etc etc then what chance do you have of combatting the depression. The anxiety limits one's life in so many ways. I have noticed with myself that even when I face my anxiety and I do really well I don't get the normal positive self appraisal that you should, the "well done" feeling, the "I'm getting there" feeling. I reckon this is the depression just not allowing me to feel good about my triumphs as it were, no self gratification.

What d'you do when you've tried all the meds and shrink has run out of ideas. He wouldn't change my meds now because I've had too many changes over the last four years and actually I wouldn't want h im to because I couldn't go through another withdrawal. I'm on 150 Effexor and I'm not doing too badly on it. It has helped the anxiety to a great degree but I do still feel this level of sadness inside which can be to greater and lesser degrees.

The psychiatrist won't increase my meds because my therapist (also a cpn - but red hot with CBT) insists that an increase will not help me. She just insists my brain has to be rewired. God knows how though. Cbt may work wonders for some but I'm afraid despite my best efforts I can't make it work for me. Anyone else like this? I think the other reason the shrink doesn't want to raise the Effexor is because he is worried that it may raise the anxiety levels and both him and the therapist sure are avoiding that like the plague.

That's all for now. One last thing, what annoys and upsets me more than anything is that people do not understand this illness and you get things said to you like "so and so has cancer,", "so and so is in a wheelchair" - "so and so has recently lost her husband" - then they say stuff like "You see others are suffering terribly - there are FAR worse things to suffer from than depression". Well!!!!!!!!! Now this is from people who have never suffered! Oh it gets me it really does.

Better go, give me a keyboard and the old fingers won't stop lol!!!!

My love to all my fellow sufferers xxxxxxxxxxx

[mabel]

I'm off work at the moment too. Desparate to get back, but standing in front of 30 children a gibbering wreck really isn't the done thing!

I suffer from anxiety and depression and it is a vicious circle. It's hell quite frankly. Some people really don't understand (I don't think I would have done had I not had it!)

I had a spell 5 years ago where I was off work for 5 months. Tried various anti-depressants, had CBT etc tried everything! I eventually came through it, but at the time it was such hard work and I really did feel that I'd be like that forever!

After 4-5 years of feeling more or less normal. I'm having a 'blip'. I suppose the good thing is i'm not as bad as I have been in the past and I think my past CBT and seeing an amazing woman through occupational health helped.

My partner doesn't really understand. I'm staying with my parents at the moment because it's not good for me to be on my own all day while he's at work. He can't see why it's taking so long! Bless him. I've only been like this for 3 weeks, but I'm sure it wont take as long as it did last time.

I try and keep occupied and try to go for a walk every day.

I'm not great at the moment, but I'll get there and so will you!

Mabel xxx

[Smiley?]

Thanks Yvonne! Bad day today xxxx

[pinkpiglet]

I suffered depression as an effect of anxiety. The depression made me feel dreadful. I had a 21 month old son and I had no motivation to do anything. My standards slipped terribly. I did what I HAD to do and that was all. I let myself go. I didnt want to go out and felt tired and listless all the time. My son suffered badly as it was a struggle to play with him (my heart wasnt in it. I wouldnt say that i had black cloud over me, more like i felt numb, emotionless. I think I am one of those people who shut off from their feelings and this is definitly what I did.
I'm pretty much out of this hole now, thank god! but I had to change alot to get here and I had to push myself hard.

[freakedout]

Hi

Well depression affects me in varying degrees but at my worst I feel more dead than alive, numb, empty, time stands still, I feel detached and want to totally isolate myself. I feel despair similar to that described by ElizabethJane, wanting to curl up and die, the nearest thing is being asleep so I try to sleep to escape this misery. My insides feel as though they are rotting/decomposing somehow I feel like a carcus, I look in a mirror and don't recognise myself, I also get disturbing images of myself in my coffin, and lots of morbid thoughts and ideas. I have poor concentration and no motivation, caring for my family requires a huge psychological effort and I will always feel immense guilt for being the worlds worst mum. I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above sinking sand and it is only a matter of time before I am consumed.

As I also suffer anxiety and panic, I find that if I am not very depressed then I tend to be very anxious, and I could not choose between the two if I had to. If I am very anxious I am irritable, and my concentration is even worse. I do experience depersonalisation and derealisation where I take leave of my senses and reality during panic attacks, thankfully this does not last long. I am so sick of this constant battle between feeling either anxious or depressed and can see no way out. I have tried various anti-depressants too, and CBT/Mindfulness but I just believe I am not susceptible to change, I am resistant to brainwashing, my problems are too ingrained.

I rarely feel self-pity but rather self-hate, I despise depression and how it affects me, I am a shadow of my former self no confidance or self-esteem, I feel ugly, vile, not worthy of my place on earth. I cry and I cry.

Having written all that, I do today feel calm. If my mood lifts it is not usually for long so I have to make the most of it and catch up on household chores.

I had a good job, good qualifications, good pay etc.... now it has all gone, along with my sense of achievement, pride and identity. I was a something then but now I am a nothing, that REALLY gets me down. I wish I could still work but I am too pathetic to face my fears and kick my own arse. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

I hope this post won't be the last on this thread cos I am so interested to read about other peoples experience of depression. Great post Yvonne.

Take care all.

Freaky

[HeatherMc]

Hiya

My experiences of depression are

1. Terrifying panic attacks were I go all dizzy, faint lightheaded and think that I am going to die there and then.
2. Insomnia waking up at stupid o'clock with panic anxi ety etc
3. Far of losing control or going mad
4. Fear of a severe brain disease ie dementia etc
5. Forgettiing things and experiencing blanks.
6. Severe health anxiety.
7. Fear of losing my kids.
8. Terrible to nightmares along with random thoughts and images on waking up and going to sleep.
9. Lack of concentration.
10. Severe exhaustion and lack of motivation.
11. Fear of being with other people, losing interest in social activities etc.
12 . Sometimes agrophobia if everything else has kicked off big time.

What a list its enough to depress anyone, sometimes some things are worse than others on different days, these bloomin thing has wrecked my life.

Off work at the moment some days I can keep occupied and some days I can't.

Lots of Love

Heather

[EmmaJane]

I can relate to all on here, so don't need to describe mine. xx

[EdwardP]

After I have a panic attack I just go into a depression and feel like I'm worthless and pathetic for getting them in the first place. I feel:

- Depressed and useless
- Like I deserve what's happening to me
- That I would be better off dead
- Like I want to self harm

These are all horrible feelings and sometimes I just can't escape feeling them.

[Yvonne]

I'm so so grateful to all of you because - this is depression.

[irishannemarie]

Here's mine:
I feel alone
useless
restless
tired
over sleep
lose my appetite
or sometimes overeat!
don't feel like getting out of bed
hate myself
hate happy or nice things happening to other people
complete apathy towards the things i usually love
lose my sex drive
feel angry at everything

it's different for everyone but thats how i felt/sometimes still. Keep the faith, it gets easier. Never think your unusual or strange for how you're feeling. You're not alone xx

[baloo]

Hi, I am new to this...so bear with me if i start going off on a tangent.

I have depression, coupled with anxiety and occasional panic attacks which seem to have decreased in the past few weeks.

In the morning i feel worthless, negative, do not want to face the day, thoughts racing through my head and it's an effort to get out of bed.

Once i'm out of bed my mood rises although this alters from day to day. Some times i can feel very positive and within the blink of an eye i plummet into despair. My chest tightens, my head goes fuzzy, i feel like i'm in a dream world.

I don't sleep well...sometimes only an hour or two. The majority of the time i manage to get to sleep but don't stay asleep. Sometimes i have major anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and just have to lay very still in the dark, control my breathing and let the feeling wash over me.

I feel worthless and i have a chant that pops in to my head without warning...I wish i was dead and although it is terrible i often wish i would contract a terminal illness and do myself and every one a favour.

I still go to work and my collegues are very supportive of me, which helps. I have had periods during the last 13 years though when i've had to have time off. That's how long i've had depression...on and off.

I have found this site very useful...it's good to know we're not alone as alot of the time it does feel like that.

Take care people.

[Cdngirl]

This came to me one day when I was feeling crappy. Not sure if I heard it somewhere, or made it up.
On a good day, I just don't want to be me.
On a bad day, I just don't want to be.

[ade]

when the depression kicks in its like my soul is drowned in black ink :weep:

[Smiley?]

Spiralling down, no way out, can't see the light

Frustration, hatred, scared

Don't want to be here, to inflict myself on others or be with myself

[Maybe_Baby]

Im always worried / nervous
I cant sleep
Ive lost weight as i cant eat
constantly have a lump in my throat
I get very emotional
I have really bad off days where i dislike myself
Get snappy at my partner