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Nikki
17-06-05, 21:57
I can't see the point of living anymore if I get treated like this. i feel like crap. Im fat and ugly and theres no hiding it. For Those who have givien me in the past I didnt want to tell you my age because I thought that if you knew I was twelve you wouldn't count my feelings. ( as most people dont.) Recently I just hate my life I constantly feel terrified, let down, annoyed or just like crying. I allways feel ill inside. Im constantly worrying about my weight and I comfort eat when Im sad, which doesn't help because I then self harm because Im annoyed at myself for eating, which leads me to put on weight and it repeats into a enless cycle! Recently I haven't known what to do. I hate my life and at the moment Im very suicidle. I don't see the point of calling a endless struggle a life.
My friends all have there own problems aswell as my family, but anyway half the time I feel like rubbish and dont socailise anyway. My school work is failing rapidly and then I get my dad down my neck asking why! He doesn't notice he causes most of my problems.
My mums taking lots of notice and sure shes done all she can to help me with my self harm, she brought me a lady shaver ( electronic) so i cant get near razors and they all hide them in my house. But that doesn't stop hitting or biteing and she cant stop my feelings i have inside. My constant pain that wont leave me. I can't put up with my pains anymore. I know this sound weird but when I was younger, I mean like 5 In my dreams I used to have what I named "the blue lady" ( or the blue womens head/face) she used to insult me and put me downm then it got worse and any time i tried to fight back I would get it worse. I tried to block it out but then I got it like a voice in my head, I could picture her in my mind everytime I had done something maybe slightly wrong I would get horrible put downs almost bullying, from a voice in my head! I blocked it out for years and now she back I feel so stupid I feel like Im a baby with an imaganary bully. She gets worse and worse I hit my head and try to get rid of her shes all my worst fears rolled into one i scream, i shout i pleade her to leave me alone- she wont leave she stays she gets worst as i pleade. She sends me into madness and she controlls me like Im a puppet. She takes over my life. I need help - help me please pleas please I feel like im going mad im going to end this soon unless O get the help i need and if it comes from you I will be truley greatful.:(:(:([Sigh...]:([V]:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

nomorepanic
17-06-05, 22:21
Nikki

I changed the font and text size as I couldn't read it - hope you don't mind.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

andrew
17-06-05, 22:35
hi nikki,

hopefully just sharing your feelings and getting them out in the open will help you a bit.

i know life can be a total struggle when you are feeling so low, but you can overcome all the issues that are giving you problems. you certainly dont sound mad and have written with alot of common sense, try not to let your feelings overwhelm you. 'the blue lady', tell her to shut it!!! and try not to be so hard on yourself.

keep in touch, keep sharing your feelings .. you take care andrew

Karen
17-06-05, 23:02
Hi Nikki

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low at the moment. I was 12 when my depression first started and I do understand what it is like when no one takes you seriously, even when you are struggling so much. It sounds like your Mum tries to help but is possibly a little unsure what to do for the best.

I have also had problems with self harm and know that removing objects you use to harm yourself won't prevent it, as it is a different way of coping with your painful emotions that needs to happen in order to be able to stop harming yourself.

Have you read the Self Harm (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/selfharm.htm) pages of the home pages?

Are you able to talk to your Mum about these feelings of suicide or the depression? There is help out there and taking the first step to talk about it and ask for help is very hard. However, you have done that by talking about it here.

Perhaps you could now consider talking to your Mum about it. Some counselling could help you through this.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

seh1980
18-06-05, 12:14
hi Nikki,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I agree with Karen that talking to someone is the best way forward, either your mum or maybe someone at school that you like. There is help out there. Seeing a counsellor might be a good idea. Ringing up Childline or the Samaritans could also help you. Let us know how you're getting on..

Sarah :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

leo05
18-06-05, 15:11
hi nikki
just want you to know i understand how u feel as i self harm to and sometimes think there is no point to life i know you think thst your age matters it doesn't im 23 and i have been self harming since i was your age so guess thats for about 11 yrs so look i know you may not want to talk to me about it but trust me it helps to talk about it and the ppl on here are great they really do know what the are on about so talk to your mam or maybe your doc about it as you have a life ahead of you which you need to live

my email address is mins042004@hotmail.com and my user name in here is leo05 so feel free to contact me if you want to talk about anything

take care
leanne xx