Diagnosis Please

[Garfield]

A big hello to one and all ;)

No pre-amble ......
So what have I got? I guess Social but maybe General ....

I'm an Avoidance Specialist have been for many years and pretty damn good at it too.

Stress inducers:
Social Situations when I'm not in total control i.e. If I have'nt got an exit strategy or if I can't blame self medication (Demon drink). This is to such a point that for years I've avoided situations where it's a requirement to talk to people such as weddings and other formal events.
Day shift at work where I know I'm gonna have to interact with people unlike night shift which is a breeze with everyone being tired and of course I can use the tired excuse at will.
Busy streets/shops where I might meet folks I know and again need to interact albeit just short period of small talk.
Waking in the morning .... I guess worried about the day ahead.
Sleeping at night ... will I get to sleep?

My anxiety has no pre-set or pre-defined catalysts. I can engage in the things above easily at times and others times when I'm on edge not so well and then again I can feel totally anxiety free and then at some indeterminate moment BOOM I need to use that pre-established get out routine and if I don't have one i can literally fall to pieces ... stammering, agitated, pulse racing, blushing at times ... et al

Doors banging, cars racing, dogs barking can all make me jump. I can last a few weeks sometimes being able to survive [underlying anxiety remains but I function] and then for a week or so I'm consistently anxious and total avoidance is my solution.

This last week I haven't been out the house. My Doc ... and I've seen several don't really take me seriously maybe because on the surface I have this persona that's outwardly calm and in control. I also suffer from fits of depression which is closely tied to anxiety but I can deal with depression but what I can't deal with is visible anxiety. If I could guarantee ever time that nobody would notice my nerves I could function almost 100%.

I take betablockers to kill my twitches (used rarely) and diazepam to help when required (again used rarely maybe 5-15mg a week) and Zimovane to sleep (max 2 x 7.5mg a week). I've tried SSRI's which leave me really anxious (Effexor & Lexapro) and been given some Paxil but decided they would be best placed directly in the bin. I've tried CBT but found it rather pointless as I couldn't visualise the catalytic thought[s] that caused the fight or flight response. I've never been diagnosed i.e. been given a label for my problem.

I'm slowly losing my mind, my health and my life. I'm 37 and over the last 2 years my health has steadily deteriorated. I currently have a throat infection (5 months), both eyes are infected which means anti-biotics for the next 4 months and my chest aches. I excercise when I can push myself and take multivitamins/anti oxidants/5-HTP and eat pretty well although I do have periods where eating can be troublesome but not often.

Anyway can anyone relate to this? What ailment do I have? Low self esteem!

Thanks
A..

PS Mods please move if wrong forum.

Edit: I've just read a post in Social Anxiety which mirrors my exact predicament (almost) so after several years search I'm pretty sure I have a label ... not a solution but a label nonetheless. Thanks NMP you've kept me sane a little longer.

[seh1980]

hello Garfield,

Thanks for sharing so much about you. I am no expert but it does sound to me like you have social anxiety mainly though it could be that other things cause you anxiety to a lesser extent. It seems like you have tried quite a few things to get over this. Do you live alone or do you have family and friends around you? I can relate when you say that sometimes you can do things and other times you can't seem to manage to do those same things. I have that quite a lot. Anxiety seems to come and go in stages. Would you be willing to try another medication? There are so many and there may be one that really works for you. I have no real experience with CBT as I'm still waiting for my first appointment but I know that it has really helped some people. I think it really depends on the counsellor that you get - some are obviously much better than others and you will connect more with one than you will with others. Would you be willing to try it with a different counsellor? Also, get some relaxation CDs - they really helped me at the beginning and taught me how to relax and calm down when I needed to. Last thing - everyone here swears by Claire Weekes' books. She has written quite a few and they really do become bibles to some people. It could be that they really help you too.
Let us know how you're getting on!!

Sarah :D


"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[Garfield]

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your reply. Sorry for being somewhat self absorbed ... I think I was venting :(

I currently live alone. I've just moved back into my flat which was empty as I intended sell up. I was living with a mate in London but we had a disagreement and true to form I walked away rather than confront the situation. He was a really good mate but I can't take ridicule from friends ... enemies sure but friends should know better.

I really hope CBT works for you as I've heard good reports but alas It didn't for me. I may need to try again though.
I sitting here contemplating eating the Paxil but my experiences with AD's haven't been good. Sedating AD's ... yeah right!

I can't share this with family. I really don't want anyone concerned/upset/confused [I think one person is enough .. me] and the same with friends (the few that I still let into my life). I play this game of being strong and solid whereas underneath I'm in pieces and letting people know how I really feel I think would be counterproductive ... maybe I'm just scared that people will think less of me ... who knows. Regardless it's really not an option at the mo.

It's soul destroying to have to put on a farce each day to act as though your happy and everything is coasting a long fine when really you're just empty. Anxiety has changed me into a totally different person and it feels as though I don't even know who I am at times - second guessing what I say to people in fear of how they percieve me is consuming me. And what's the use of living each day in fear? So now I'm a mute speaking only when spoken to and willing to nod/agree/laugh with whatever utter garbage pops out peoples mouths rather than object and draw attention to myself.

I'd really be interested in other peoples experiences especially situations, symptoms, thought processes and solutions.

Anyway I rambling again. I'll certainly have a look at Claire Weeks book and maybe the relaxation tapes so thanks for the tips.

Here's hoping I haven't cast a dark cloud over the forum :)

Good luck and thanks
A..

[chucklehound]

Yeah i think it may be social anxiety as well...

Good luck

All the best

Feel free pm me if you want to chat

steno -x-

[seh1980]

hello again Garfield,

i know what you mean about not wanting to tell people about your anxiety because you don't want them to worry or don't want them to think the worst of you but, at the same time, it really helps when people around you know and understand what you are going through. You have to remember that you have nothing to be ashamed about. Having anxiety doesn't mean that you are a weak person and a true friend won't think so either. It's always good to have someone close-by to talk to..

Sarah :D

"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

[nomorepanic]

Garfield

Just wanted to welcome you aboard the site as I was away all last week.

Hope you are settling in ok and getting some help here.

Nicola

"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"