Hi, I'm new... i know what i need to change but am frightened to do so.

[baloo]

I am a 43 year old woman, with 2 grown up kids that live at home and a controlling, verbally aggressive partner of 21 years.

I have spent the last few years dealing with depression and most recently anxiety attacks which i know are linked directly to my fear of my partner. He has never physically hurt me but from the early days he very quickly got inside my head and began to control me in a very understated way.

I know it's my fault for allowing this to happen and i really want to get out of it but am frightened to do so. I tried to leave once before and ended up living on my own for 18 months. The children stayed with him due to schooling ect...but for all of those months he made my life a misery until eventually i had a breakdown, suicide attempt and then returned as i felt it was better to keep the enemy where i could see them.

I sound as though i'm a really weak person and i hate myself for putting up with what i've put up with over the years...some of the stuff i can't talk about on here but i feel very ashamed. Away from him i am a strong person and i run my own staff team in a very stressful working enviroment. But i just don't seem to be able to apply that strength to home.

I think sometimes i stay because of habit as my Father was very controlling and physically violent and it is what i am comfortable with.

I'm also under a lot of financial pressure as i pay for all of the household bills and sub him as well when he has no money.

I sound pathetic and often feel if i was no longer around he would have to get on without me...but it's a high price to pay for my weakness.

I am currently taking Citalopram daily and Zopiclone when sleep is very elusive. In the past i have been prescribed Sertraline and took them for over 5 years. I then had a gap until recently when the anxiety kicked in and i was virtually unable to function. I have not told my partner about any of these recent events and continue to come to work as it's better than being at home and having to explain myself to him.

Anyway that's me. I'm glad to have found you all.

Take care.

[marie1974]

hi there and welcome to nmp, well to start with please dont blame yourself for this, its easy to judge a situation but until u been in that same situation u dont realise im sure how hard this is.

you sound from wot u have said a very strong person actually and independent and u say u suffered controlling behaviour from your dad so a pattern kinda formed i guess.

i think if u r not happy and your kids are older, you must try and do wots right for you, with help and support from people who care for you whether that b family or friends.

i know it will b very hard for you but im sure there are places and charitys too that would help and advise you on you leaving and if he starts to harrass you.

we here will off you as much help as we can and im sure a few on here will b able to relate to u.

hugs and stay strong, cos u are worth so much more than wot u put up with matey xxx

[dawnt]

Hello and welcome, please dont blame yourself for his behaviour, you are not responsible for the way he behaves towards you. I was married to a very controlling man for twenty five years, he was violent and on many occasions I thought he would kill me. I tried to leave him when my three children were very young but he locked me out of the house and took the children from me. He always told me that if I left him he would never let me have them, I knew he meant it, so I stayed. As the children grew up the beatings did grow less but he was so spiteful, so cruel with his words. Sometimes I would upset him, I never knew what I had done most of the time, he would go days with out speaking a word to me, he could wither a flower with his looks, he instilled fear with just a glance. I could never look him in the eye, I always lowered my eyes to the floor, I knew my place. As the years went by it just became easier to stay, even when the children had left home I stayed. Then one day in 2003 I had a phone call to say that his best friend had been found dead, he was only forty. Exactly a month later my husband left me for his widow. They now live in new zealand. At the time I thought my world had ended, and in a way it did, but my new world is soooo much better. I have a new partner, he gave me back my smile, he is the kindest, sweetest man I have ever known. He is one of lifes true gentlemen and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I regret the years I wasted on a mean and violent man, if only I had left him years ago. Please think of yourself, put yourself first and make the move to have a better life. No one should put up with being treated badly, we all deserve the love of a good person, and peace of mind.
I am so very happy that I have my new partner and life is good, but sadly I still carry the scars of my marriage, my panic attacks, my anxiety and my depression and oh so many regrets, please do what will make you happy dont waste any more of your life, he is not worth it, love to you and all those who are suffering
Dawn xx:hugs:

[catwoman2]

This is emotional abuse at a high level and sounds like you've been though a rough time, please be strong and go and seek out a charity that will have people trained for dealing with this kind of situation, some of which will have been though something similar themselves. My first husband had a few issues which he took out mainly on the walls (holes everywhere) Anyhow once I managed to get out - i felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could finally breathe.
I'm a newbie to this site myself as panic anexiety attacks have recently kicked in - I hope this site helps us to both find a way out of our troubled times - hang in there sister

[catwoman2]

This is emotional abuse at a high level and sounds like you've been though a rough time, please be strong and go and seek out a charity that will have people trained for dealing with this kind of situation, some of which will have been though something similar themselves. My first husband had a few issues which he took out mainly on the walls (holes everywhere) Anyhow once I managed to get out - i felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could finally breathe.
I'm a newbie to this site myself as panic anexiety attacks have recently kicked in - I hope this site helps us to both find a way out of our troubled times - hang in there sister

[Veronica H]

:welcome: Baloo, Glad you have found us, you are amongst friends here.:bighug1: I was thinking reading your post how strong you must be to bring up your kids and work as you do, and also to put up with this. Noone is judging you, we all have to do what we need to do to get by. Many of us have had troubled childhoods and it is so difficult to shake off the effects. Do not feel that because you went back you cannot break away again but this time how about you staying and him leaving, this can be achieved. I would advise you to visit the Citizens Advice Bureau when you feel stronger, as they can help you to know what your rights are, as well as put you in touch with organisations who can offer help to women in your position. I know that everything they do is totally confidential. Think about the stress and struggles you are having to endure just to keep afloat and imagine putting that energy into a positive future for yourself and your kids. You can do this Baloo, but pace yourself. CAB do lunchtime appointments or will talk on the phone so he doesn't have to find out about it.Also start by reading the information on the left of this page and start recovering. Private message me anytime.

Veronica

[weeble40]

Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,

Take care

Emma xxx

[Cathy V]

I also bear the scars of living with an abusive and controlling man. I was with him for 14 years before i left him. I was then a single mum for 12 years, and really didnt want to live with another man at all. Then I met the man i live with now, and he is so kind to me and would never hurt me. He knows about my past and that i have some hangups and anxiety but he understands completely and lets me just be myself.

Its hard to break away I know, but you deserve to be happy, to know what its like to live with a man who cherishes you every day, or just to live your own life as you want to. I think youve taken a big step joining nmp. Now you can talk as much as you need to about this without embarassment or shame. Its not your fault, and it wasnt my fault.

The only thing i regret is not getting out of it sooner. I didn't do my kids any favours by staying. All it did was show them that it was ok to hurt and humiliate a woman.

I hope you find supportive people to help you and please don't be afraid to leave. Don't ever feel sorry for him, he can look after himself, hes not a child. His life is his own responsibility, just as your life is yours.

Take care and keep posting
Cathy :flowers:

[baloo]

Thank you for all you messages of support. They give me hope for the future.

Baloo x