what were you like before? Can you be that again? [Archive]

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happyone

05-12-08, 20:07

I don't mean this to be a doom and gloom post. I am feeling very reflective just now about how bipolar/depression/anxiety has affected me. I don't know if I like it. I have been thinking about positive aspects of my life in the past, that feel gone now. I am wondering if I had realised earlier that I needed help (well...I think I knew I needed it but wouldn't accept it.....I'm still struggling with this one:blush: ) I might not have lost so much of me.

For years I performed in at least two fairly big amateur dramatic productions a year. I sang, I danced, I played the lead, I played the supporting acts, I performed in Edinburgh's Festival several times, I used to tour the country doing exchanges with other dramatic groups. I even got to be on TV a couple of times AND got paid for it! When I began to tire of acting, I began to write comedy scripts which were performed, one again in Edinburgh's Festival. I got paid for a serious one too about teenage angst which was included in a book for secondary schools!

I was confident, even though I felt the anx inside, I could get over it and do what I had to do.
Yet...was I confident? Maybe I was high. When I went to college as a mature student, I got top grades in everything. Nothing seemed too much bother for me. When I left college, I was so confident in my ability that I turned down two blooming good jobs! One of them called me and practically begged me to reconsider!

Now......, I can hardly believe that I can get myself in such a state about attending a meeting with my employers. Now they want me to do a c**p job for c**p pay. Even talking to mums in the playground I struggle with. Parties I cannot do, if I ever got as far as a party these days I would crawl away rather than dance. So many things that even when well I find difficult. I tie myself up in knots about writing a letter to my employers, writing and re writing several times and STILL not having the guts to send.

What the heck happened to that confidence? I wish I had accepted years ago that I needed help. Maybe there wouldn't be so much of me lost. My doc and I reckon I have had BP at least 20 years. My first major depression at 17 stopped me doing all the performing that I loved and I failed in college first time round. I became paranoid that people were talking about me, laughing at me even all the people I called friends and loved. I lost all those friends. I became bitter and picked quarrels with them. I deliberately lost touch with any others as I believed they didn't really like me.

The long and short of it is it was suggested to me recently that I join a drama group. I don't know if I will but the idea of pretending to be someone else again really appeals.......

Maybe this can be a goal? Maybe the old me is not actually 'gone' but just kind of 'suspended' Maybe I can find myself again?

Anyone else want to share good or bad memories of 'before' becoming unwell? Are you going to try to get it back or are you glad to leave it where it is?

Happyone
xx

Snowshadow

05-12-08, 22:55

I "lost" myself a year ago... had another set back that lasted longer than usual. I'm not sure if I will ever "get back" to how I was exactly, but I'm finding myself again. And maybe a new improved version? Having anxiety, panic, depression is a very hard way to live and I think takes its toll over the years (I'm in my 50's now) and got this when I was 20. But I'm happy to say I'm starting to enjoy life again and actually look forward to a few things. I "think" age is part of this now... but I'm not sure? I would be very interested to hear what someone "older" has to say about this....

Smiley?

07-12-08, 14:10

I too am "lost". People who know me say they miss the old me and wonder where I have gone. I'm just not myself anymore.

I didn't do anything particularly great or wonderful 'before' like Happyone but i'm definitely wanting to go back to the old me. When I am down I can't see the future, but sometimes I want it all to happen now just for something different!!

I'm 27 and I wonder if this is what life has in store now. I want to be free of depression but I fear it will always be there to haunt me. It's not a way to live.

Diane O'Brien

07-12-08, 14:28

This time last year I was doing a degree, training to be a midwife, a mother, housewife, socialising, going out, generally living life to the full. A few months ago getting up filled me with horror, dragging myself to the shower. Taking the kids to school was like climbing Mount Everest.

Now I,m currently out of work, being a full-time mum and housewife. I,m getting there but at times its been hard. Do I miss the me before. Yes a little but I don't think I will go back to that crazy pace in my life.

I will work again, maybe after Christmas, I'm building up a little at a time. I believe I will become a stronger person and I'm more forgiving of myself and have stopped drinking as much.

At the minute I,m just living day to day, I am on medication which helps, I don't believe I will be the same person I once was a year ago, but I will become a more stronger, stable, comfortable person.

gtrgrl3369

07-12-08, 15:23

Wow, remembering what I was like before does hit a nerve because I miss so much now. I was so fearless of everything and now I am so fearful of everything. I was a nurse in a morgue where I loved my job. I lived by the ocean and would try anything and have a great time doing it. I had my whole life mapped out and was going great. Then my nervous breakdown came and I lost me. I am doing alot better, I go to work and hardly have any panic at all. There are times when I think about what I have lost and am so sad about it. I decided the other day not to fear my life anymore and try and get back what I have lost. I am moving back to the state where I am from and going back to school. I am going to try anddo the things that I miss the most. There are alot. I am so tired of being scared about everything. I am going to be 40 soon and dont want to look back and think that I have missed out and want to live with no regrets. I am jumpimg in with two feet and hope for the best. Take care.

Yvonne

07-12-08, 15:38

It's good to focus on the "old me" apparently. A lot of the hypnotherapy cd's I listen to say to remember how you used to be and see yourself how you used to act in certain situations. Sadly, sometimes you can't even visualise the old you.

I had a great sense of humour and was very witty, I smiled a lot, I was confident (not in your face), I was feisty, I felt secure, I saw the world in a completely different way actually.

Smiley ; you'll get there darling (bless you xx) - when that wonder med does its magic you will be fine.

Happy One; Oh it would be so good if y ou could join that drama group. Oh to be someone else yes that would be amazing. I had no idea you had such a glamorous past - keep thinking about that and telling y ourself you may get back to that.

I just hate this demon of an illness but I hate the fact even more that the meds don't work for me any more.

One thing, how is it that these celebrities manage to get well again?? I read an article about Judi Finnigan a few weeks ago - she went through a bad depression (I knew there was something wrong with her for a while cos she had this look in her eyes that I get) - now she got better - what bleadin doctors do they see???? I s'pose we'll see ole Kerry Katona all normal soon. Oh I dunno ... wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself.

Love to all

shortstuff

07-12-08, 17:02

I too miss the old me. I used to be the 'lively' one at a party and now the invitation is enough to give me horrific panic attacks!!! I've never liked shopping, but now I can't walk into a shop I miss the normality of it all.

I was chatty, full of fun, outgoing, determined and full of confidence (I used to ove the adreneline rush of interviews believe it or not). I took myself off to Greece on my own to work in the Summer holidays 3 years ago.

These days I'm frightened of my own shadow. I'm still chatty but the smiles take longer to come. I no longer love life but am tired of it. This illness has isolated me from everyone and everything which used to be my life - I hate it.

Good luck everyone - lets all get through this to find better versions of our old selves.

Bexstar

07-12-08, 22:29

I way I used to be is someone I hate just as much as the person as I was now. Before I got this, I was miserable and lonely and wanting material items all the time. I feel a million times worse than that now! :(
I also have no interest in all my favourite things I used to do. Like writing and graphic art. Thinking about the old me makes me sweat and panic. It doesnt seem apart of me. Like another person. Like 'whos that?' you know?

Bexstar

07-12-08, 22:32

Hereford Al

08-12-08, 00:19

I'm not really sure that, when I am 100% better, I would actually want to go back to what I was like.

I was a bit of a foul-mouthed angry man before all this started, but most of the time now I can not be bothered to get angry about things that would have sent me into serious swearing fits just 6 months ago.

Part of the old me still remains - The sense of humour, the opinionated, etc. But parts of the old me have gone and my confidence is pretty low. Never really had that much confidence anyway, but it is definately less now than it was 12 months ago.

pooh

08-12-08, 00:28

Fundamentally I dont believe that I have changed because if truth be recognised and told I have had whatever it is I have all my life through the highs and lows. I expect there to be more. That's life. However there is an exercise that I believe may help and that is to imagine yourself inside the skin of someone you admire who is confident who can do the things that you believe right now you cant. the idea is that the role play can become the reality. Arent we all actors most of the time anyway? We smile when we want to grimace, say something polite when we want to screma and shout. Ah I dont know the answers I just try to accept who I am at any given point.

Pooh x

Mudskipper

08-12-08, 13:57

I'm coming to the conclusion that I've pretty much always been this way, it's just become worse as I've grown older and taken on more family responsibilities. When I was young, I was too busy having fun to let these thoughts and worries really overtake me, except when they were very specific, like the testicular lump I had when I was 23. Nevertheless, they were always there, and nowadays there's that nasty little demon on my shoulder who keeps reminding me that all these terrible things can happen and, certainly healthwise, are more likely as I get older. Couple this with the additional worry of two youngs kids to care for and it feels like, frankly, it's never likely to get much better. Like I said in another post somewhere, I look at pensioners sitting on a bench watching the world go by and I feel quite envious that they've reached that point and have little left to worry about. It feels like I'll be very lucky to get that far and, if I do, I won't have enjoyed the ride very much.:unsure:

PUGLETMUM

08-12-08, 14:12

:yesyes: you can most definately be 'you' again - or in my case who you were always meant to be before i became depressed. my first 'episode' was when i was 14, so i cant really aim to be a 14 year old again in many ways. but in other ways thats exactly what i want, and what i am acheiving now through practising mindfullness.

we can never be happy 100% of the time - life is going to throw things at us to make us fed-up - but depression is different, we cant cope with anythign very well when we are depressed. if you rid yourself of this self loathing about the way you have become you will become the person you once were. the more you try to rid yourself of any unhappiness you have for whatever reason the more depressed you will become - couple this with the habit of beleiving you are rubbish or defective and you will never be the person you really are inside - your number one aim is to free yourself of depression by whatever means, and then you can start to recover the old you and your old life - IT IS POSSIBLE:yesyes:

phillipab

08-12-08, 14:27

i completely agree with Hereford Al.
I am not sure that when i am 100% better that I would like to be my 'old' self. Truth is, although i have been diagnosed with depression for the last 3 months, i think that it has been alot longer than that, especially now i finally feel as if i am coming through it.
I have a new outlook, and yes, i still need to develop my self esteem and confidence, but i much prefer the person i am now and they new ways that i think. I feel like me, whereas before i felt i had to please everyone else, but now i know that i have to make myself happy before i can do that for others.

nickieb

08-12-08, 15:26

I honestly don't think i will ever go back to the happy fearless Nicky that never worried about her health & now worries about whether a headache is a aneurysm or hemorrhage.

I miss her so much xxx

Oceanblue

08-12-08, 16:52

Hi Happyone,

It's funny you mention this as I've just recently written a post myself along similar lines.

Post Title: Discipline - My only way to get better.

Thinking of you xx:flowers:

freakedout

09-12-08, 14:29

Hi happyone,

What was I like before? where to start.... I wanted to be a ballerina and went to a famous ballet school when I was 13. I was pretty fearless, and confidant I performed on stages hundreds of times winning medals and championships etc. I quit dancing at 17 to be a nurse and again I was confidant and progressed quickly at work. I loved my job, studied hard and just found it so satisfying, until the panic attacks started.

Now I can't even sit in a theatre to watch a performance and it takes all my strength to go to my GP's. I am a shadow of my former self, no self confidance, no self esteem or worth, I have nothing to look forward to, I cannot see myself returning to work either.

If I could go back to what I was like before I would take that opportunity full on. However, like so many of you have already said my anxieties that have surfaced over the years were probably always there so my current circumstances would be inevitable anyway. How bloody depressing. How can people find the strength to carry on when there is so little to hope for?

Sorry to be depressing.

Freaky

PUGLETMUM

09-12-08, 17:06

:) there is so much to hope for. your life is not over even if it feels that way. a couple of ppl have mentioned that they wouldnt want to go back to their old selves anyway. and a couple of ppl sound very very sad that thay feel they are not the person they once were - depression robs you of freedom and happiness - and yearning to be anywhere than where you are in your life right now is a sure fire way to feel even more miserable. i havent acheived anywhere near what alot of you have, but i still value myself and think i am a special human being, i think its this that makes you happy, because at the end of the day anything can go wrong in life, we cant rely on circumstances to make us happy, and happiness is not state we can be in permanently - i recommend a book you can find on amazon called the mindfull way through depression - freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness:)

Franz

09-12-08, 18:22

I had a "gap" from my anxiety when I first went on antidepressants. At first I was elated and convinced that I was about to emerge into the world like a big balding butterly from my dull and musty crysalis.

What was odd was that the removal of my neurosis didn't make me happy. I didn't find it any easier to make friends and I still felt an "outsider" in most social situations. For a while I suddenly became very sociable among my colleagues, suggesting going out to comedy shows etc., but I didn't get much feedback and it dawned on me that most people already had their social lives sorted and didn't need me around.

Obviously I was very glad that the neurosis had lifted, but there still seemed to be something fundamental missing.

(It didn't help that I suffered a fair bit from chronic fatigue type symptoms during this period.)

The person I would like to be is an adult version of my 13-year-old self, but that is no doubt too much to ask for. I was always a worrier but when I was a child there was a lot of happiness in my life too.

PUGLETMUM

10-12-08, 12:33

:) i agree with you franz that you cant actually rid yourself of these fears and worries and thoughts - thats why mindfullness is so beautiful - you dont have to with mindfullness practice:yesyes: i have stuggled with the fears and feelings for a long time (by the sound of it so have you?) and i have tried meds and counselling, self-help and finally cbt, but nothing 'speaks' to me like mindfullness - purely because of the accepting nature of the practice - you are not asked to 'change' anything, and this in itself is truly liberating - you ge tto give up the struggle to be anything other than what you are right now, and it helps to build up this inner strength that you did once have, please have a look at it? i wish i had sooner - alot of ppl were talking about it last year but i chose to ignore it, anyway ive come to it now and im so glad i did - im sure im very annoying - going on and on about it, but i have felt so bad for sooooo long and i know that alot of ppl on here feel the same, so if i can help i will try and pushing this book is my way of doing that:winks: its called THE MINDFULL WAY THROUGH DEPRESSION - FREEING YOURSELF FROM CHRONIC UNHAPPINESS:blush: and you can get it on amazon:yesyes:

spaced

10-12-08, 15:22

hi guys
i'm better these days, do i wish i was the me before? no way. yes it does change you but it changed me for the better i've learned so much from my experience. i'm happier now than i've ever been, have more friends than i've ever had, found new interests and hobbies and have learned to appreicate things life has to offer especially the small things. i much perfer the new me to any me i've ever been.