I think my Mum has a problem and I don't know how to get her to see it...

[tigerlily]

I think my mum suffers from agoraphobia and has done for years but I don't know how to say to her that she needs some help.

It's 9 years since I left home and went to uni. Since then, I graduated and moved to a new city. I met my boyfriend three years ago and we bought a house together this year. My mum has only visited me once - when I was at uni, just for the day, near my 21st birthday. She hasn't met my boyfriend or seen our house - it would be a weekend visit to see us. If I try to visit her with my boyfriend, there are always reasons he can't visit. My sister went to uni in the city I live in now. Mum stayed in a hotel with Dad the night before my sister's graduation. Mum got in a flap on the morning of the graduation - and I guess that was a panic attack - and she didn't go. We went out for a meal in the evening and Mum came along then but she did seem tense. Whenever I speak to her about visiting, there's always a reason she can't and she seems to be trying to think of reasons that will stop her from visiting in the long term, too. She has problems with her legs and while they are an actual problem, she seems to use her health problems as an excuse to hide behind.

I think she has been like this for years. When I was at school it was the same. I think it stems from having low self esteem. When Mum was in her teens, her dad got drunk at the weekends and end up punching her (he was alchoholic). My nan couldn't stand the silence the next day so would make Mum say sorry to Grandad! Needless to say, Mum never had a good relationship with my nan. Both my nan and grandad died in the last few years and, sadly, Mum is actually happy they are both gone because her relationship with Nan was always strained at best, and after she died, Grandad's alcoholism got really bad.

Mum met my Dad through work. I think they both just settled for each other from what Mum has said and they don't seem to have had a proper relationship for as long as I can remember. They got divorced this year, which I think is a good thing as it turns out Dad has been having affairs for years and they haven't even shared a bed for 15 years - they definately weren't at all like a loving or married couple for as long as I can remember. They had a lot of rows when I was in my teens and I became convinced they were going to get divorced but they didn't and I'm sure it's because they were both afraid to go it alone. Mum seemed a bit freaked out about the future during the divorce, understandably, and she seems a lot happier now she lives alone. I hoped the divorce would be a fresh start for her, but a lot of things haven't changed. She's not living life anywhere near to the max!

The other reason I think Mum has a problem is I had some anxiety problems a few years ago and she seems to be doing the same things as I did - avoiding going out, especcially somewhere new or unknown and being tense when she is out. I think I understand the vicious circle she has got herself into, but I was only bad for about a year before I started to understand what was happening and how to get myself out of it. She's been like this for a very long time so I don't know where to start with her.

My sister and I have spoken to her about going to counselling, more about her parents, failed marriage and low self esteem than anything else. It was a difficult subject to brooch, but Mum agreed it would be a good idea. The problem is there are excuses - like the cost of it (my sister and I offered to pay) and she said she's "afraid the flood gates will open" (isn't that the point?). So we're back to square one again. If you try to talk to Mum about any sensitive subjects like that, there's either lots of reasons why what you're saying isn't true, lots of reasons why she can't go through with the solution or, mainly, she gets really upset and the shutters come down and you can't speak to her. In the past, my sister has talked to Mum the most and Mum seems to listen to her more than me with sensitive issues. BUT - my sister is living abroad for a year and I don't want to leave my Mum to waste her life hiding away like this any more. It's nuts that I've been with my boyf for so long and she still hasn't met him or seen our first owned house! I would really like for my Mum to visit me!

I'm going to visit in a couple of weeks so I'd like to talk to her face to face then. How can a talk to her about this? How can I get her to see and admit that she has a problem? And that she NEEDS to do something about it?

If you've read all that, thanks for bearing with me! Please let me know any advise at all!

[Veronica H]

:welcome: to NMP. Does your mum have access to the internet? Perhaps you could get her to visit this site. It is sometimes easier to open up to people who have the same feelings. There is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes called 'Self help for your nerves' published by Thorsons ISBN 978-0-7225-3155-6. This is available from the NMP Shop. I cannot recommend this enough as it really explains what is happening to us, and how we can recover. Her recordings can be downloaded free to an MP3 from the NMP Shop too. Has she seen her GP? There are tranquillisers and Beta blockers which can help in the early stages of her recovery while she faces her fears. I think you are great daughters by the way.

Best wishes
Veronica

[lifeissweet]

hi

firstly i think its great that you care so much for her, and that you are trying to help. as an agoraphobic myself, i know how isolating it can be when no-one knows. it can be very hard to know you have a problem,and that it even has a name, or at least to be able to explain it to people. i have suffered for years (prob about 10 if im honest, with good times and bad) although until i had the internet i didnt know what was wrong with me.

as someone else said Dr Claire Weekes is very good. i have 2 of her books and one called "essential help for your nerves" has a section just about agoraphobia.

that is assuming your mum has agoraphobia. i am no expert but from what you say she may be depressed. i have depression related to my anxiety and she sounds very similar to me. avoiding going places especially if theyre new, and panic atacks and doing anything(making excuses) not to go places etc.

until recently no-one knew how i felt, and the battles i faced everyday and telling people was great..so i think the fact that you know theres a prob will be great for her, casue then she doesnt need to hide behind excuses anymore.

she may have a more social phobia?

i have now started meds for it which have helped immensely, gps normally prescribe anti-depressants for anxiety related illnesses (even if youre not depressed), so if she has a touch of depression they should help with that too.

one thing i will say is, what i found helped the most was being "encouraged" to do things that i didnt want to really helped, but to also know that i was in control..for instance if there was somewhere i was anxious about going, i would go if i knew that my husband (or whoever) was ahppy for me to leave as soon as i wanted to, so i didnt feel "trapped" there.

so maybe you could suggest somewhere to meet her or whatever, but make it more relaxed in that its no big deal if she only stays for a few minutes, for example and then she will slowly learn she has control of her situation.

thats what helps me anyway. i need to know i can leave whenever i want. another thing would be to ask your mum what would help her, to say that you can see she gets panicky at places and that you would do anything to help her live her life.

you sound like a very caring daughter and she is very fortunate to have you. i would be interested to hear how you get on, feel free to pm me if you want, take care xx

[mingsy]

:hugs: Hi
What a lucky Mum to have such a caring daughter.
My suggestion is write all down in a letter, or just send what you have posted here. I know when I was bad with anxiety it was very difficult to talk face to face because I was ashamed to admit how long and how much I was suffering. If one of my girls had written what you have, it would have been such a weight off my mind, that they actually knew and I didn't have to try and explain things. I think one of the hardest things I had to do was admit to myself and family that i was suffering from panic and anxiety, but once I had things have only got better, no more thinking up excuses of why I couldn't do things, I could just say I'm feling panicky or I feel really anxious and they would encourage and help me. After 10 years of anxiety and panic 99% cured.
Wishing you and your mum well.

[tigerlily]

Thanks for your advice guys!

Lauragcam - I think that's a good point about my Mum possibly having social anxiety or depression. My sister had social anxiety for a while when she was at uni. She went to a counsellor once and bought a book and just that seemed to help. We also both have thought Mum might be depressed and have more or less suggested it to her, I definately think she feels like her life has been a failure. Social anxiety would explain why Mum seems to have many excuses for my boyfriend not being able to visit her with me. I don't know if maybe she wants the house to be perfect (she's having a lot of overdue work done to it) before he visits but he's not at all bothered. She is quite a control freak about things (that's where I get it from!) but then it could be anxiety! No, she hasn't seen a GP as I'm not sure she thinks she even has a problem - I think she's been hiding behind excuses for so long she even believes them!

For her birthday, I paid for her, my sister and I to have a spa treatment each because my sister and I thought it would make her feel good about herself and be relaxing, especcially as she doesn't seem too bothered about looking good (could be part of depression, I know). She put it off so we went only just within the 6 months the vouchers are valid and she was definately quite tense before we went out but we went and she enjoyed it. She even looked into beauty salons nearer her house we could go to for further treatments another time! So I think yeah, we do need to do this in stages.

I think then my plan of action will be to say I think she has depression and/or anxiety issues and I had a problem a few years ago so I can see what's happening. I think a big issue for her is that she feels like a freak or that if you have a problem you're 'mental', she was very much brought up not to make a fuss about anything... hence finding ourselves in this situation! So I will also say there are a lot of other people like her out there and it's surprisingly common. And she definately needs to see a GP. If the doctor diagnoses her with something, would she be able to get free counselling or similar on the NHS? She already gets free prescriptions because she has thyroid problems so money shouldn't stop her getting any meds she needs, tho I don't think she'll be overly keen on them, but I'll deal with that later.

Thanks for your advice so far, please let me know if anyone thinks of anything else!

[Panic08]

is there anybody who lives close to her that could maybe help her with getting out of the house if she is agoraphobic? maybe somebody who could sort of start by taking a short walk a couple of streets or so, the more she can do,or the things she can't do may give you a good understanding of what her problem may be, i think the advice from the other posters above are good too, i'm 19 and at the beginning of the year started suffering panic attacks and that has now developed into agorophobia, my gp put me on meds and im in the process of trying to work out something to help me more long term, i did feel very much like i was ''mental'' when this first started hapening but alot of that was my non understanding of what was wrong with me, once i found out i could come on forums like this and read up on my condition and that helped me out alot because i then realised i'm not mental, it's sounds like your a really good person to be there for her, if you can help her with the gp and getting a diagnosis about what is wrong with her i think this will be a really good for her to see what she needs to do to get better.
Good luck

[pooh]

Hi there!

I would say that your mum most likely is well aware she ahs a problem. it's there when she said going to counselling would open the flood gates. I would kinda reckon too that actually trying to address what is happening is the very thing your mum is happy to run 100 miles away from at the speed of light.
Unfortunately and it is painful to watch anyone you love go through this the only thing you can do is be there for them. If you see a momnet that allows you to talk about it be gentle, push and she is likely to run away even faster. you have to encourage her to taken action but make her believe that its her own idea because ultimately it has to be her decision.

Hope this tuppence worth helps a little

Pooh xx

[Bill]

I just wanted to say I'm quite sure Pooh is right. I'm quite sure your mother does know she has a problem but she's too afraid to tackle it.

She's been through so much hurt in her past mixed with a feeling of never being loved that it has all built up within her which is surfacing as anxiety. When we carry bottled hurt it causes anger and tension which creates anxiety but we become too afraid to release it because it simply hurts too much to talk about.

You mother will only open up when she feels comfortable with someone she feels understands her which makes it very difficult to make the first step to see a counsellor. It's much easier to keep things bottled and leave the hurt in its box.

If she has access to the Net, as Veronica said, it would help her if you could suggest to her to read posts on here so that she could see she's not alone with her pain. After a while, she may then feel more comfortable to share with people on here who she will see do understand which would then help to open up. Once she begins to open up, she would then see there is hope and maybe that would then spur her on to talking to her doctor to obtain the help she needs through a counsellor.

She's living in a shell of fear. If she's pushed, she'll retreat further into her shell. She needs gentle coaxing through proof that she's not alone and that lots of people understand her. She's very lucky to have such a caring daughter as you.:hugs:

[tigerlily]

Thanks again everyone!

Panic08: That's quite a good idea to get someone to go out with my Mum, but she doesn't have any close friends (probably as a result of having problems for so long) and it would mean speaking to someone else about her problems. But, I will suggest that to her for after she sees a GP. Very good point about thinking you're 'mental' if you have anxiety - I was the same and I think that is the crux of the matter - she's in massive denial because she thinks she's 'mental' but actually it's because she doesn't understand what's happening. It makes sense really it's a natural human reaction to think something is wierd or strange if you don't understand it.

Bill and Pooh: You are both right. I am at the end of my patience after years of the same and not getting anywhere so it's easy to want to march in and say she's gotta sort it out but, as you made me realise, that's not a good idea. I spoke to my sister on Skype at the weekend and she said she can't deal with it anymore because she's tired of trying to speak to Mum about it with no results. She can see Mum is just completely completely in denial, for so long she possibly even believes she doesn't have a problem. It's really nice everyone has said I'm a great daughter but I don't really feel like it much because I don't think there's anything else I can do if this doesn't work! It's kinda my final attempt because, like my sister said, if we can't get her to admit she has a problem and that she needs to do something about it, there is nothing we can do and maybe she's happy as she is. We all know Mum could be living a fuller life but maybe she doesn't mind. I still need to give this one last chance though and I'm really grateful for everyone's advice.

I will say that I think she has a problem, because I had similar problems, although nowhere near as severe, and that I think she knows but is too scared to admit, even to herself. I'm also going to say she's not 'mental' or 'wierd' and actually her problem is quite common but she does need to see a doctor. I'll suggest looking at agoraphobia, anxiety and panic disorder message boards and chat rooms so she can start to understand what she may have and gain the confidence to speak to her GP.

Thanks everyone! Let me know if you have any more advice!