Oceanblue
05-12-08, 22:38
I've been trying hard to think of ways I can become well again. Many things have happened during my life, (that I won't bore you with, bereavment, PTSD, abuse, etc) only I honestly believe whats truly missing for me; Where i've lost myself is from when I was 14yrs old.
I used to be Professional Gymnast and Dancer, trained for England. I left and rebelled,...partying, drink & drugs.
Although the discipline I was recieving when I was a kid wasn't exactly healthy, (I was pretty much brought up by my Trainers), working 28hrs a week it's really the only thing I feel i'm used to and feel secure with. Couldn't have been a bad thing hey ? Although I did crave love and affection as a kid,.. that I didn't really get.
Ever since,.. i've felt completely lost, like totally lost !!.. Really hard to explain unless you've been there.
Have never known which direction to go in. I've tried to find my way, travelling, different jobs, homes, places etc,... I just can't find my way. I have a family, but I still can't settle and I don't know why. What's wrong with me ? I have to keep looking,.. and moving on,.. it's not material things, it's life,.. like i'm scared of missing those special things,.. it's like an obsession, it goes on and on.
I've been thinking about discipline and exercise and things, I do exercise but not what I'd call to extreme and that I think I miss. It's like a drug I'm craving for and have missed for,.. what 18yrs !!! I obviously don't want to get back into gymnastics, but i'd like to work out with say,.. the Army or something. Only, I don't want to go out and fight lol,..
Does anybody out there know anything about Army Training/Discipline (only not the real thing, if that makes sense)? I'm quite tiny, but am up for most things. Karate and Kick Boxing just isn't hard enough/discipline wise.
I was also wondering if there was anybody else out there who has trained to Pro standard years back and also feels lost ? Anybody...? Actors, Actresses, Dancers, Sports people,... who can relate ?
I've really thought hard about this in the last few days and I honestly feel that giving up changed my life into a completely different lifestyle - a lost one !!
Since then, I've been a drug addict and also addicted to alcohol, have been in rehab for both. I believe I have an addictive personality, my dad's an alcoholic, my bro both drugs and alcohol,.. grandads, aunties, uncles,... it goes on.
I realise I didn't have the best childhood, lived in a disruptive family. But thinking about things,.. where I was put was like a safety net. My dads even mentioned to me that he knew I'd be better spending the majority of my time both in school and training (away from home).
It's strange,.. it's like I miss that discipline.
Can anyone relate ?
I used to be Professional Gymnast and Dancer, trained for England. I left and rebelled,...partying, drink & drugs.
Although the discipline I was recieving when I was a kid wasn't exactly healthy, (I was pretty much brought up by my Trainers), working 28hrs a week it's really the only thing I feel i'm used to and feel secure with. Couldn't have been a bad thing hey ? Although I did crave love and affection as a kid,.. that I didn't really get.
Ever since,.. i've felt completely lost, like totally lost !!.. Really hard to explain unless you've been there.
Have never known which direction to go in. I've tried to find my way, travelling, different jobs, homes, places etc,... I just can't find my way. I have a family, but I still can't settle and I don't know why. What's wrong with me ? I have to keep looking,.. and moving on,.. it's not material things, it's life,.. like i'm scared of missing those special things,.. it's like an obsession, it goes on and on.
I've been thinking about discipline and exercise and things, I do exercise but not what I'd call to extreme and that I think I miss. It's like a drug I'm craving for and have missed for,.. what 18yrs !!! I obviously don't want to get back into gymnastics, but i'd like to work out with say,.. the Army or something. Only, I don't want to go out and fight lol,..
Does anybody out there know anything about Army Training/Discipline (only not the real thing, if that makes sense)? I'm quite tiny, but am up for most things. Karate and Kick Boxing just isn't hard enough/discipline wise.
I was also wondering if there was anybody else out there who has trained to Pro standard years back and also feels lost ? Anybody...? Actors, Actresses, Dancers, Sports people,... who can relate ?
I've really thought hard about this in the last few days and I honestly feel that giving up changed my life into a completely different lifestyle - a lost one !!
Since then, I've been a drug addict and also addicted to alcohol, have been in rehab for both. I believe I have an addictive personality, my dad's an alcoholic, my bro both drugs and alcohol,.. grandads, aunties, uncles,... it goes on.
I realise I didn't have the best childhood, lived in a disruptive family. But thinking about things,.. where I was put was like a safety net. My dads even mentioned to me that he knew I'd be better spending the majority of my time both in school and training (away from home).
It's strange,.. it's like I miss that discipline.
Can anyone relate ?