Discipline - My only way to get better.

[Oceanblue]

I've been trying hard to think of ways I can become well again. Many things have happened during my life, (that I won't bore you with, bereavment, PTSD, abuse, etc) only I honestly believe whats truly missing for me; Where i've lost myself is from when I was 14yrs old.

I used to be Professional Gymnast and Dancer, trained for England. I left and rebelled,...partying, drink & drugs.

Although the discipline I was recieving when I was a kid wasn't exactly healthy, (I was pretty much brought up by my Trainers), working 28hrs a week it's really the only thing I feel i'm used to and feel secure with. Couldn't have been a bad thing hey ? Although I did crave love and affection as a kid,.. that I didn't really get.

Ever since,.. i've felt completely lost, like totally lost !!.. Really hard to explain unless you've been there.

Have never known which direction to go in. I've tried to find my way, travelling, different jobs, homes, places etc,... I just can't find my way. I have a family, but I still can't settle and I don't know why. What's wrong with me ? I have to keep looking,.. and moving on,.. it's not material things, it's life,.. like i'm scared of missing those special things,.. it's like an obsession, it goes on and on.

I've been thinking about discipline and exercise and things, I do exercise but not what I'd call to extreme and that I think I miss. It's like a drug I'm craving for and have missed for,.. what 18yrs !!! I obviously don't want to get back into gymnastics, but i'd like to work out with say,.. the Army or something. Only, I don't want to go out and fight lol,..

Does anybody out there know anything about Army Training/Discipline (only not the real thing, if that makes sense)? I'm quite tiny, but am up for most things. Karate and Kick Boxing just isn't hard enough/discipline wise.

I was also wondering if there was anybody else out there who has trained to Pro standard years back and also feels lost ? Anybody...? Actors, Actresses, Dancers, Sports people,... who can relate ?

I've really thought hard about this in the last few days and I honestly feel that giving up changed my life into a completely different lifestyle - a lost one !!

Since then, I've been a drug addict and also addicted to alcohol, have been in rehab for both. I believe I have an addictive personality, my dad's an alcoholic, my bro both drugs and alcohol,.. grandads, aunties, uncles,... it goes on.

I realise I didn't have the best childhood, lived in a disruptive family. But thinking about things,.. where I was put was like a safety net. My dads even mentioned to me that he knew I'd be better spending the majority of my time both in school and training (away from home).

It's strange,.. it's like I miss that discipline.

Can anyone relate ?

[alias_kev]

Hi Katie. I thought I'd post as no-one else has. I can relate only in small ways.

Both I and my brother reckon we learnt how to work both from family examples and from school but did not really learn how to have a home life. We may have got better at it but its not been an easy ride. So in that sense we had your need to be busy and also got a lot of self definition out of it.

Another similarity is that anxiety/stress/avoidance/stuff like that does run in the family with (perhaps) an over dependance on medication or other people to solve it. So these behavours are either genetic or learnt at an early age. So some of that is similar to you.

If you'll excuse me analysing your situation - but its how my brain works, I see patterns - you may have been partly aware of the problems in the family as a child and so the training provided a kind of security to you at the time even if you hated other aspects of it.

The oddities of the human mind and the comfort of familiarity (even with awful situations) cannot really be underestimated. We so often hear in the media of people going back to abusive relationships or children wanting to be with violent parents. So familiarity can be stronger than pain or fear, etc. Heavy stuff.

Its sad to hear of all the issues you've battled in your life and risks you've doubtless taken. Well done for moving on from (some of) them.

You maybe right to seek a new source of discipline in your life BUT it could be addiction in another way. The great thing about a very disciplined existence is that it avoids us having to take decisions and responsibility for ourselves. Similarly its easy to lock all our hope onto a single powerful solution but its dangerous too if it does not work out. That's not to criticise is you or others - about either of these things - its just how people work. Why are diet plans so popular and just eating less rather unpopular!?!? I personally feel its the same things.

As to feeling lost I think a lot of people do - especially around their middle years - or on getting a family or losing some one, etc. I suspect the biggest problem is for those who did not really have the environment or nature to have picked their own "life" or "goals" before. If life leads you through a certain way or you just wander through (for good or bad) there is a point where you are in a place you did not consciously choose. Its easy to see the faults or limitations of that and want/hope/expect that other places and people are much better. For some there is truth in that and for others only disaster. Its a very personal decision to change your life hugely and I'd suggest needs a lot of logical as well as emotional thought. If you have kids or anything then that may be an uncomfortable burden you need to take into account. Like you growing up they may have needs that should not be ignored (out of fairness). Sorry - don't mean to lecture - but you described a complex childhood and some patterns are best not repeated casually.

Oh - let me make clear - I'm am not saying that you don't or shouldn't feel what you are feeling. The feelings are without doubt huge, unpleasant and dominating you. That shows even in your writing. We need to support you in and through them and where possible try to help you find good solutions.

Anyway - hope my ramblings help. Post back if anything makes sense or you want me to explain myself. I have my own problems which are sometimes huge - but I get drawn in to postings by those of you who are suffering all the time. I know there should be more help even for sufferers like me and I sometimes feel the only thing I can do is offer what thoughts I can. I used to be paid to use my brains and so at the moment I try and use them to support/help others.

[Oceanblue]

Aaawwwww....What a sweet person you are ! Thank you for replying. xx

I'm not so far from you,... Brentwood :).

Good informative advice, I really appreciate your time.

Very sweet, thanks so much x:flowers:

[marie1974]

hi katie just wanted to send u a hug, i cant really help as such with you but i do know exercise is soo good for gettting over dep anxiety etc etc etc, i do believe it is wot saved me years ago and i still power walk every day and i am always full of energy.

What u said about moving around and stuff i can relate too, i believe that will stop once u feel happy inside u, once u feel emotionally secure and happy in yourself then u will settle hun, i have moved alot and constantly been looking for different things and blaming, location, houses, people etc, but at end of day it was me that had the problem, i needed to to find a happy me and i love where i live now and very settled, you will get there hun.
xxxxxxxx

[Oceanblue]

Thanks for writing Donna:hugs: .

I hope you're feeling well.xx:flowers: