View Full Version : Looking back......
Today my son took his final GCSE exam and officially left school, though he will be going back for 6th form in September to take his A levels.
Tonight I cried for the last 16 years which have passed in a haze of panic, anxiety and depression. I cried for the wasted years, the worrying about "bad" things happening, the constant anxiety and worry.
Everything in my life needs to change. My job is soooo boring, I want to live somewhere better. I sold my house last year but changed my mind about moving cos I was too scared that I might be making the wrong decision . It took me 2 whole years to settle into my present job, to feel that I actually belonged, and the thought of going through all that again just seems too much to handle.
And, the thing that hit me the most, is that I'm STILL constantly worrying about what might happen, what might go wrong. I'm still wasting each and every day worrying about something that is happening in the future. Everytime my kids go out I'm worrying about what might happen to them. My son is 16, I can't really expect him to stay home all the time. He has a lovely girlfriend and is a really great lad. They are going to a party on Friday night in a room at a pub, and I'm already worrying about all the things that might go wrong.
After all these years, I still find it impossible to think positively, always think the worst, always react in the same, predicatable panicky way. I feel my mind is stuck in panic mode, automatically worrying at everything and anything.
I just want to get better.
Kate x
Hi Kate,
Sorry you are feeling a bit rough right now. My daughter has also just finished her exams and is also going to college in september, i know how hard it is and the constant worry you have, he sounds a very sensible and loving lad, and his girlfriend sounds great too Your anxiety doesn't seem to have affected him too badly, he sounds just like the average 16 year old, i have spent years worrying about my 4 children, unbeknown to them, of course, the two eldest have turned out just fine, still going through the worrying stage with my 15 and 16 year old. anxiety does cause us to worry, any parent worries about their children, it is hard work, but it seems to me as if you have done a splendid job! Sorry to have go on, but i think i know how you are feeling.
josiepickle
22-06-05, 20:39
Hi Kate
My daughter also completed her exams today and so I know exactly how you are feeling.
Lets dry our eyes and look forward to our kids great futures!!!
Love Jo x
Thanks both of you for your replies.
It just kind of brought it home to me today how life has just passed by so quickly and I'm still waiting to start living.
Kate x
Kate,
Sorry you're struggling Kate.
Have you been back for a top up to that hypnotherapist that helped you previously. You know what you need to do but maybe need some extra help anchoring it.
Could you pick an area of your life that you try to practice the rationalizing exercises on - maybe about the house and garden if kids are too hard straight away.
Whilst positive is the ideal I found rationalizing/ risk management into possibilities/ probabilities of occurance easier to accept as I was dealing with real life not fairy tale land.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Meg,
After my 2 sessions with the hypnotherapist, certain things in my life did change for the better and these changes are still in place. The type of hypno that I had invlolved the hypnotist asking my sub conscious at what age my various problems started. He then asked my sub conscious which age I wanted to tackle first. An animated picture then popped into my mind of the problems that happened at that age. We tackled it, asked the sub conscious whether it was now dealt with and then moved on to the next problem.
Three big issues were dealt with and overcome. Mainly my self esteem issues and self worth. BUT, the main problem with the violence issues still remained. So, I went for another session, focusing solely on these issues. When I was hypnotised, I got very agitated but was unable to picture any scene in my mind about the violence so this could not be tackled and dealt with. The hypnotist said that I had blanked it out of my mind as it was too painful for me to face.
I am fine with the kids going to places that I deem to be "safe". But, when I know that they will be going to places that I think are unsafe, then for a week beforehand I worry. Strangely though once the day has actually come I find that the anxiety is not as strong.
I also know that I am a perfectionist, there is no grey area, just black and white. Even if I'm tired, I have to get done all the tasks I have set myself or I feel like I have failed.
I am also having problems with feeling safe at home. In this hot weather, when we have had all the windows and doors open, it takes me a good half an hour to check everything is closed before I can go to bed. I also worry madly that I might have left something on that will cause a fire/flood etc and it will all be my fault.
Last week hubby was working afternoons and I was madly trying to achieve all the jobs that I had decided needed doing. I suddenly flipped and started to pull wildly at my hair and then I started punching myself on the arm. This shocked me a lot but strangely made me feel better too. I haven't repeated this though.
So, thats it really. I am just fed up and desperately want to feel better. Just don't have a clue how things will ever change.
Kate x
hi kate,
sorry to read your not doing so well. if the hypno was helping do some more. are you talking to anyone about your feelings? there is value to hearing your own voice especially as you seem to be so open with yourself about whats going on.
tcx .. andrew
Kate,
Its excellent that the changes you did with the hypotherapy are still in place . You respond very well..
Would you consider thinking about a good scenario to use and going back to him again and working with him to overcome these too maybe in a few sessions.
Do the kids have a punchball that you could use to release your frustrations and worries onto next time - Are you still gymming regularly ?
Love
Meg
I can fully understand your safety concerns regarding windows etc
Andrew,
No, I have no one to talk to about my feelings. My CPN said that she thought that we needed a break. That was about 2 years ago, haven't heard from her since.
I was needing so much to let it all out, share with someone, thats why I posted here.
Meg, no punchball and no gym anymore either. No one ever wanted to go and it was costing an awful lot of money.
Not really sure whether to go for more hypno still not sure whether it would help for the violence thing.
I seem to have come so far and then come to a full stop, the main anxieties still being here and me still reacting in the same way to them. I can tell myself that it will all be ok but I still get the same automatic feelings of overwhelming panic. I do know that it seems to be tied in with me always feeling responsible for everyone and everything that may happen to them, not sure why though. I also know that when hubby isn't here and I would have to sort out anything that went wrong by myself, then this makes me more anxious too.
I tried to explain all of these feelings to my CPN, to the psychologist and also the psychiatrist, but none of them seemed to understand how my life is run around these anxieties. They all seemed to kind of skim over it and then either tell me to take anti d's (in the case of the psychiatrist) or fill in endless forms on a daily basis, grading my reaction to everyday happenings (in the case of the psychologist). None of this ever addressed the main issues and I was never offered any other form of councelling. In fact, the psychiatrist said that I should be on anti d's and should probably take them for a number of years to try to stop the anxiety and depression returning.
I went looking for further help from my GP last year. She also just offered me anti d's which I again declined as they do not help with my anxiety. She then advised me to go back if I felt that I was going to harm myself.
I really believe that this will be for the rest of my life.
Love Kate x
Hi Kate, it really sounds like things arent brill at the mo, Im sorry, I will leave you a drink in the pub, I know this is a bit of a feeble reply but I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I know how hard it can be,I feel bad because I feel I hadent improved in over a year and cannot imagine how you feel after 16 years so I wont pretend I do, but i am thinking of you Take care xx Love Alexis,x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">No, I have no one to talk to about my feelings.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Just wondering if No Panic had a self-help you could get to locally? Its worth a shout if you haven't already enquired.
Also, don't feel afraid to ring No Panic for a chat or even the Samaritans - they are all people to speak to who will listen with a sympathetic ear.
Another idea:- is there a NMP meet up being planned up in the Midlands? That would be good if you could attend and meet up with people to give mutual support.
It must be a landmark time with your son leaving school and marching onto independence and adulthood. Have comfort in that he appears to have met a lovely girl and whatever the outcome I'm sure he'll be there for you.
Hope you make progress and that you'll pop up in chat before long.
Cheers,
Ray
Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself.--Alice Walker
Hi Alexis,
Thanks for the drink, good job it was a cuppa cos I don't do alcohol [8D]
Ray, I have never had any contact with No Panic though Vern has mentioned it to me before.
I wouldn't go to the meet up in the Midlands only due to the travelling and the fact that I have no map reading skills whatsoever. There are a lot of places I wont visit due to the violence fear. Motorways, in my strange mind, equal road rage, which in turn equals violence, so I avoid these at all costs. Same with City centres, always imagining the violence scenario. Haven't been to Birmingham for about 15 years.
Will try to get in chat some time soon.
Love Kate xx
Kate,
I know that you know that avoiding means that it just anchors the fears more cos all you then have as ' experience' is what you read and hear which tend to be the worst stories and never build up a bank of your own good experiences to refer to.
I do motorways every working day and have never had a problem .
When I was acute I wouldn't ever fill up with petrol outside of my own known petrol stations in case it was held up or had a shooting and I wouldn't do certain stretches of teh M1 as it was more than 7 miles between exits - why I picked 7 miles I now can't remember but think it was what I could walk in 2 hours or something..
Doing something yourself builds up your own experiences and as you mentioned quite recently it is your responses to situations that determine how you feel about them.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Meg,
I too do the thing with petrol stations, only ever go to the one at the local Asda!
I know that avoiding situations anchors the fears and I do know that it is my own responses that cause the fear. I have recently had to do some things that normally I would get hubby to do instead. He has had his shift pattern changed and now works a late afternoon shift every other week. But, even though the things I have had to do have not had anything negative surrounding them, each and every time that I repeat them I STILL get the same anxieties and panics. As nothing bad has happened, I have a lot of positive experiences to draw upon but it still doesn't make me any more comfortable each time I have to do the same thing again.
This is my problem. No matter how many times I do something, the panics still happen, I still have the same negative feelings. How do I overcome that? What more can I do to change the way my mind works?
Love Kate x
Hi Kate,
sorry you are feeling rough right now, one of the things you wrote earlier i could so relate to, i have four kids, as you probably know, hubby works nights, and has done for 11 years, so anything that has happened with the kids or home, i've had to deal with when he's not here, he has a mobile, of course, but being a cab driver can be miles away, so my thoughts are the same (i think) what happens if something goes wrong when the kids are out, how will i get there, how will i cope when i'm so panicky? it''s all the what if's, there have been a few occasions over the years when this type of thing has happened, not often thank goodness, and i coped, as we always cope in emergencies, but that does not stop us worrying, i'm sorry i have not been very positive, but just wanted you to know i fully understand how you feel. xxx
Thanks for that, Carlin.
Sometimes the support doesn't have to be positive, but just knowing that someone knows exactly how you are feeling can be the best support of all.
Kate x
Hi Kate hun,
Sorry you are feeling low mate I to wonder if i will ever stop worrying or panicking you are not alone hun don't ever forget that.
Remember I am always here if you want to chat. You have come along way and are doing well i promise you.
Take Care,
love PIP'S X X
nomorepanic
24-06-05, 21:51
Hiya Kate
How dare you get all depressed and miserable whilst I am away on hols [:P]:)
I am going to ring you and tell you "to pull yourself together" and stop moaning. Oh sorry - the Su in me took over then :D
Sorry to hear you are down mate - I know that you try hard to overcome all these things and they still pick away at you each day. I think you are a strong person and can cope but you have forgotten how to. Sometimes we pretend we are strong but we are actually hiding a lot of pain and hurt and worry.
It is hard work to battle with this day by day and I am by no means cured of all my issues etc so I can understand that you are still having the same thoughts as before - look at me and my driving!!
I am sending you a big hug and if that doesn't work then I will come and bash you up :D
Seriously though Kate - hang in there ok and stick with it - we will get there in the end - somehow!
xxxx
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
Pips,
Thanks for replying.
I have had all of this for the last 24 years but it was my son leaving school which really hit me, couldn't take in the fact that all of his childhood was spent with me ruining things with my anxiety etc.
Both he and my daughter, who is 13, have had me let them down countless times by not accompanying them on outings etc. The stupid negative thoughts that send me off in a spiral of worry, imagining all the worst scenario's. I really do not know how to ever change these thoughts, to just be able to put things into perspective and to know that most bad things that I imagine will just not come true. How do you get to truly believe the positive thoughts and tell the negative ones to sod off?
Nic, you are so right when you say we pretend to be strong but are in fact just hiding our true feelings. Everyday, every single day of my life, I am pretending to the world that I am not suffering with any mental health problems. I don't even like admitting to myself how terrible I am feeling the whole of the time. I don't want to be known as the woman with the problems, the strange thinking patterns and the lack of any proper grasp on life. I want to be able to think positively most of the time, to think clearly to not be hiding behind a smile that is just not real. I fight against my feelings constantly, pretending everything is fine and that I'm happy.
But, I just can't keep fooling myself any longer. I need to truly crack this but I don't know how to go forward from here.
This is sounding like a very self centered moan. I am coming over as sounding all pathetic and unmotivated. But this is definately not what I'm trying to portray. I am 43 years old and still sounding like a kid that needs constant reassurance that their world is all safe and cuddly and I know that real life aint like that. I just want to be able to enjoy myself sometimes, to let my kids enjoy their lives without me constantly putting my anxieties onto them.
I just need to start living instead of exisiting. How though?
Thanks for the hug!
Love Kate xx
Hi Kate,
You are not moaning or being self-centred, just expressing how you feel, that is good! I have suffered with panic/anxiety for the whole of my 16 year daugters life. she was born, and 3 hours previous, my mum died. I did not realize at the time what was happening to me, just assumed that i was going to die too. My point is..i have spoken to my daugter about all of this openly, she says she doesn't feel she has been affected in any way, ok. on lots of occasions i had to arrange for somebody else to attend assemblies/parents, but she knew then (and now) that i didn't go because i didn't care or love her, it was that i was unable to do so at that particular time. My 4 kids all lead perfectly 'stress'free lives, it's me with the stress, which i keep to myself most of the time, they go out with their friends, stay over at their houses, my two eldest have good partners, none of my anxieties have rubbed off on them what-so-ever,my husband also is stress free, except for me, he says! i have gone on a bit, as usual, but what i'm trying to say is, you will eventually have fun again, that i can promise, it just takes a lot of practise, we have spent so many years worrying about our children and what might happen, we have forgotten how to enjoy ourselves, i'm not trying to patronise you, i just understand how you feel. take care and keep in touch xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(hope some of this makes sense, i know what i'm trying to say!)
Hi Carlin,
Thanks for the reply.
How do you yourself manage the constant anxiety, if you don't mind me asking?
Are you on med's or having councelling?
Kate x
Hi Kate,
i don't mind you asking me anything, i just don't want to come across all 'know it all' i seem to get on my high horse at times, i just get frustrated, like everyone! I don't take meds. and had councelling many years ago, which didn't help, hynotherapy last year, which got me on holls. but at £70 a session, not affordable. I fight hard each day, i know if i accepted the panic/anxiety it would not be such a battle, but when i go dizzy (main symtom), all my sensible thoughts go out of the window.I still say to myself, this will be the time that i collapse and die! still waiting, i might add! i know why i'm like this, i know what happens to my body to make me feel like this, but still, i can't convince myself it's 'just' panic. My family are a little older than yours, which makes my life a tiny bit easier, i still cook clean and feed all, but they are things i can handle, hubby can by sympathic, but i just try my hardest to pretend all is well, i'm not too good at going out at present, but am taking this one step at a time, i have read so much information on this site, printed it off, and sat reading it, it has helped me to realise i am not alone, i will not die/collapse/faint. I will not give up, it is hard work, but we will go out again, we will have fun again. See what i mean Kate? You ask me a simple question and off i go.....speak very soon i hope xxxxxxxxxxx
Oh Carlin, you certainly don't come across as a know it all, it is good to hear how others are faring and how they cope with it all.
You say that all your sensible thoughts go out of the window and you think that THIS time is the time you will collapse and die. That is exactly how my thinking goes. Everytime will be THE time that something bad happens even though the same things have happened time and time again without bad things happening.
Also, even if I'm trying to think everything will be ok, the little voice pops up and tells me not to become complacent, always be on your guard, cos this could be the time that it all goes bad. Does think make sense? It is hard to put into print exactly what your feelings are, to put the point across in a way that people will truly understand.
Thanks for sharing your feelings with me.
Love Kate x
In my original post I said that my son was going to a party on Friday night, it was however last night [Oops!]
Anyway, surprisingly he went, enjoyed and came home unscathed. Well, what a surprise.
I spent a tense evening online on msn and in chat so the time flew by. So, yet another day spent worrying, feeling anxious not being able to eat and all for nothing.
When will I ever learn eh?
Kate x
Hi Kate, its not that easy though is it, one of my favourite lines too, when will I ever learn??
Hope you feeling bit better today, love Alleis,x
Alleis? who is Alleis, must be the drinks you left, sorry Kate..........Alexis,x
chucklehound
26-06-05, 10:18
Hi Kate, I have sent you a pm with details. If you need any more info please pm me or email me at nontalker@btinternet.com
All the best
Feel free pm me if you want to chat
steno -x-
Hi Alleis hehe,
I feel even worse today if that is possible, got a nice headache to go with the anxiety as well! :(
Forgot I had promised daughter we would go and have something to eat at the garden center [Duh!] but unfortunately she HADN'T forgotten.
Anyway, I took her this afternoon, bought some plants and have just finished putting them in the garden. Despite the headache, I'm still glad we went out, it's such a lovely day again. Then Su phoned me and we had a lovely long chat which also cheered me up. So, that's the weekend over again, back to work tomorrow. Still, break up for summer in 4 weeks so it aint all bad!
Steno, I've pm'd you x
Love Kate x
Hi Kate, go to pub and share drinks with me, Im buying you will see why when you get there.
Sorry you feel worse but well done carrying on as normal and going out etc.
Glad you had a chat to Su who cheered you up, is that su no mates with a biscuit lid as a face?
i always count the work days not weeks ,always sounds less. i am actually better at work though.
take care Kate, Love from Alexis,x also known to you as Alleis, xxx
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.