TonyR
06-12-08, 12:54
Every single morning , i wake up in the bitter cold and think to myself what the **** is the point , i know a lot of you might think im a bit of a joker when im in chat and im funny a lot of the time , but this is a hard outer exterior i want you to see , if i was to act how i felt all the time im sure most of you would stop talking to me.
Since i was about 16 ive been on sites for help with a lot of things , in that space of time ive lost friends who have actually committed suicide , if seen it and heard it all , but what i have noticed when you become well known on sites such as these , people tend to care less about you and your feelings are auto matically judged as over excarated =( This isnt the case at the moment , but this is what im expecting , because its happened on 4 sites ive been to , some with older more mature adminstators who could give to s**ts . I hope to God this site is different for my sake , ive reached out for help to so many people , im just a lot to handle . But enough of that , i want to feel you all in on my life and the times ive had growing up to the present day . I really hope you take time to read it , because not only will it tell you why i am like i am , it will also tell you why i feel the need to cry out for attention a lot .
Here goes nothing :
When i was about 13-14 , i found out my parents where having extreme difficulty's with there marriage , so i decided to move in with my grandad why the plates where flying around the room and fists flying at one and other , i give them some credit my dad did try and salvage the marriage by taking us on holiday , it didn't work we got kicked out the hotel because they where fighting so badly , i was just say in the bar getting p****d with the rep . After all that had happened , i found out my mum had found someone else online , he seemed like a nice guy i didnt judge him one bit , i met him and he was sound as , very nice man. But before all this i was shown all sorts of stuff by my dad on my mums email address , pictures of guys dicks and all sorts , i was disgusted .
Once we got to know each other a bit more , he started to show some form of control over me , we all went camping about 2 months later , and my mum knows my history about self harm , and i was sat on a chair making a wooden stake from a cricket stump and she asked for the bottle opener and i said give me the beer and i will open it for you , she gave it to me and then she asked for it and assumed i was going to self harm or something , her boyfriend said just give it back to her tony , in a really demanding voice , i said don't tell me what to do , you dont know me , you aint my dad , he jumped off his chair and throttled me for about 3 minutes and my mum was just sat there watching her boyfriend strangle me.
Thats once innodent there!
My dad then started to meet other women online , he found a person called Maria , this women is the devil! , she is why me and my dad are so distent now , when i had met her my dad told me how hes so madly in love with her and all this stuff , i was like good for you dad im glad to see you moving on, she also had a son called josh , and right stuck up t**t , who thought i was going to steal his mummy from him , he made up all sorts of rumors about me slagging his mother off , and that damaged the relationship between me and maria and my dad , my word wasn't even counted as one. So from then on , i was allowed round and my dad would never called , about 7 months into living with my grandfather , i got a phone call from my dad saying he had found us a house to all live in , As a family , i had tears of joy running down my face , but i then clocked when i moved in! He was only moved me to swindon with him to get me out of my grandads so he wouldnt have to keep making payments! As the days went on in this new house , he slowly moved tessa out! my little sister and he eventually started staying at his girlfriends every single day , about 3 months of that when he told me he cant afford to keep the house so you have to move out .
I was so scared , he then found me a flat , a very nice flat in oxford but the rent was way to much! nearly 700 pound a month for a one bedroom , and i was sharing it with some coke addict , i got a job at tescos to cover my rent there but i soon lost that job due to heavy issues with my life , i couldn't handle it and got sacked for my anger towards my boss. Once i lost that job i spent nearly a month looking for a new job it was impossible considering i had no qualification's at all! No one was willing to take me on. As time went on , my roommate wanted me out , but i had no where to go , so i phoned my dad crying my eyes out! saying listen ive lost my job please please help me out dad , he wasnt having any of it , he just hung up and let me get kicked out. I phoned my mum and told her and she came and picked me up in her car with he Boyfriend. I eventually started sleeping on her sofa for a few months , before one day! She came down stairs and asked me to put my blanket away , i said ok give me 2 seconds im just typing up something on a forum , about 3 seconds later i got up and put it away , and she started getting all funny with me saying THATS GOING i said whats going SHE SAID THE INTERNET ! she new it would hurt my feelings to say such things and then she got on the phone to my grandad saying how im being a little prick and being a bad kid shouting and screaming down the phone , so i grabbed the phone out of her hand and nudged her in the chair . She then , called the police and got me arrested for pushing her in her chair , i spent 15 hours in a cell due to me pushing her!
After all that happened i was put into emergency acclimation in bedford so the council could find me a flat , i was there for a month or so and then i go my place here now.
Thats just what has happened in the last 2 years. Now for my childhood.
My mum and dad have always looked out for themselves rather than there children , my mum would spend all out child benift money on bingo and chinese takesout and if we was lucky we could have the left overs! This was a speacil night...
When it came down to doing something bad , the slighest bit of attiude , we would be given a slap or be punched by my dad! I rember if we had done something wrong in my mums eyes she would say go to your room and wait for your dad to get home and i remeber hereing them shouting down stairs and i would run into my room and here my dads footsteps come up the stairs then he would punch me in my stomach or slap me round the head.
I first started self harming when i was 13 when my mum caught me smoking , i smashed a cocktail glass and started slashing my arm , she had no idea what to do , she just thought i was a freak.... she never gave me any advice the only advice i would ever get from her was sex advice and even most of that i learnt on my own! Neither of them where there when i needed them they where only there to dish out punishment!
In my life time ive attemped sucide 3 times , the storys are as followed.
I was in linconshire with my girlfriends , like good friends. And my girlfriend jess phones me up and says i really want to see you and she lived in hemal which was like a 6 hour train down , so i said ok i will come down. I got back home 8 hours later and i phoned her , her mum picked up and said jess doesnt want to talk to you , she says its over! I walked home in fits , i was going mad , seriously mental! I got home and i was in hysterics ! I went up stairs to my room and started self harming , my dad walked in and asked me to stop so i did , but then i couldnt get to grips with myself , he went back down stairs and i carried on cutting , he ran upstairs and shouted in my face GO ON f**kEN DO IT ! so i slashed my wrist open , and he didnt even flitch! No one bit , i had to freaking walk to the hosptial with blood gushing from my arm.
I cant go into the other 2 now , im sure i dont need to! :unsure:
Theres so much more i need to add this , i will add more to it later on , just this has taken me down very low!
Im sorry if i upset anyone , some of it is pretty dramtic.
Im also sorry for my spelling :(
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
Since i was about 16 ive been on sites for help with a lot of things , in that space of time ive lost friends who have actually committed suicide , if seen it and heard it all , but what i have noticed when you become well known on sites such as these , people tend to care less about you and your feelings are auto matically judged as over excarated =( This isnt the case at the moment , but this is what im expecting , because its happened on 4 sites ive been to , some with older more mature adminstators who could give to s**ts . I hope to God this site is different for my sake , ive reached out for help to so many people , im just a lot to handle . But enough of that , i want to feel you all in on my life and the times ive had growing up to the present day . I really hope you take time to read it , because not only will it tell you why i am like i am , it will also tell you why i feel the need to cry out for attention a lot .
Here goes nothing :
When i was about 13-14 , i found out my parents where having extreme difficulty's with there marriage , so i decided to move in with my grandad why the plates where flying around the room and fists flying at one and other , i give them some credit my dad did try and salvage the marriage by taking us on holiday , it didn't work we got kicked out the hotel because they where fighting so badly , i was just say in the bar getting p****d with the rep . After all that had happened , i found out my mum had found someone else online , he seemed like a nice guy i didnt judge him one bit , i met him and he was sound as , very nice man. But before all this i was shown all sorts of stuff by my dad on my mums email address , pictures of guys dicks and all sorts , i was disgusted .
Once we got to know each other a bit more , he started to show some form of control over me , we all went camping about 2 months later , and my mum knows my history about self harm , and i was sat on a chair making a wooden stake from a cricket stump and she asked for the bottle opener and i said give me the beer and i will open it for you , she gave it to me and then she asked for it and assumed i was going to self harm or something , her boyfriend said just give it back to her tony , in a really demanding voice , i said don't tell me what to do , you dont know me , you aint my dad , he jumped off his chair and throttled me for about 3 minutes and my mum was just sat there watching her boyfriend strangle me.
Thats once innodent there!
My dad then started to meet other women online , he found a person called Maria , this women is the devil! , she is why me and my dad are so distent now , when i had met her my dad told me how hes so madly in love with her and all this stuff , i was like good for you dad im glad to see you moving on, she also had a son called josh , and right stuck up t**t , who thought i was going to steal his mummy from him , he made up all sorts of rumors about me slagging his mother off , and that damaged the relationship between me and maria and my dad , my word wasn't even counted as one. So from then on , i was allowed round and my dad would never called , about 7 months into living with my grandfather , i got a phone call from my dad saying he had found us a house to all live in , As a family , i had tears of joy running down my face , but i then clocked when i moved in! He was only moved me to swindon with him to get me out of my grandads so he wouldnt have to keep making payments! As the days went on in this new house , he slowly moved tessa out! my little sister and he eventually started staying at his girlfriends every single day , about 3 months of that when he told me he cant afford to keep the house so you have to move out .
I was so scared , he then found me a flat , a very nice flat in oxford but the rent was way to much! nearly 700 pound a month for a one bedroom , and i was sharing it with some coke addict , i got a job at tescos to cover my rent there but i soon lost that job due to heavy issues with my life , i couldn't handle it and got sacked for my anger towards my boss. Once i lost that job i spent nearly a month looking for a new job it was impossible considering i had no qualification's at all! No one was willing to take me on. As time went on , my roommate wanted me out , but i had no where to go , so i phoned my dad crying my eyes out! saying listen ive lost my job please please help me out dad , he wasnt having any of it , he just hung up and let me get kicked out. I phoned my mum and told her and she came and picked me up in her car with he Boyfriend. I eventually started sleeping on her sofa for a few months , before one day! She came down stairs and asked me to put my blanket away , i said ok give me 2 seconds im just typing up something on a forum , about 3 seconds later i got up and put it away , and she started getting all funny with me saying THATS GOING i said whats going SHE SAID THE INTERNET ! she new it would hurt my feelings to say such things and then she got on the phone to my grandad saying how im being a little prick and being a bad kid shouting and screaming down the phone , so i grabbed the phone out of her hand and nudged her in the chair . She then , called the police and got me arrested for pushing her in her chair , i spent 15 hours in a cell due to me pushing her!
After all that happened i was put into emergency acclimation in bedford so the council could find me a flat , i was there for a month or so and then i go my place here now.
Thats just what has happened in the last 2 years. Now for my childhood.
My mum and dad have always looked out for themselves rather than there children , my mum would spend all out child benift money on bingo and chinese takesout and if we was lucky we could have the left overs! This was a speacil night...
When it came down to doing something bad , the slighest bit of attiude , we would be given a slap or be punched by my dad! I rember if we had done something wrong in my mums eyes she would say go to your room and wait for your dad to get home and i remeber hereing them shouting down stairs and i would run into my room and here my dads footsteps come up the stairs then he would punch me in my stomach or slap me round the head.
I first started self harming when i was 13 when my mum caught me smoking , i smashed a cocktail glass and started slashing my arm , she had no idea what to do , she just thought i was a freak.... she never gave me any advice the only advice i would ever get from her was sex advice and even most of that i learnt on my own! Neither of them where there when i needed them they where only there to dish out punishment!
In my life time ive attemped sucide 3 times , the storys are as followed.
I was in linconshire with my girlfriends , like good friends. And my girlfriend jess phones me up and says i really want to see you and she lived in hemal which was like a 6 hour train down , so i said ok i will come down. I got back home 8 hours later and i phoned her , her mum picked up and said jess doesnt want to talk to you , she says its over! I walked home in fits , i was going mad , seriously mental! I got home and i was in hysterics ! I went up stairs to my room and started self harming , my dad walked in and asked me to stop so i did , but then i couldnt get to grips with myself , he went back down stairs and i carried on cutting , he ran upstairs and shouted in my face GO ON f**kEN DO IT ! so i slashed my wrist open , and he didnt even flitch! No one bit , i had to freaking walk to the hosptial with blood gushing from my arm.
I cant go into the other 2 now , im sure i dont need to! :unsure:
Theres so much more i need to add this , i will add more to it later on , just this has taken me down very low!
Im sorry if i upset anyone , some of it is pretty dramtic.
Im also sorry for my spelling :(
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter