Anzie2008
08-12-08, 23:33
Hi All:)
I've had a bit of a bad weekend, and I'm basically looking for some reassurance. :hugs:
Just to fill you in; after a busy few months where I recovered from an operation & passed my driving test, I went away with my parents for a week and began suffering with horrible intrusive thoughts- most of which were centered around suicide. I've been suffering with these horrendous thoughts ever since and it's bothering me so much!:weep:
I have good & bad days, good and bad weeks... sometimes I can go a day or two without giving the thoughts too much attention, but when they take hold, they really take hold and I worry myself stupid. I fear going completely crazy & doing something stupid. I question myself all the time; "why am i having these thoughts?", "why am i worrying when everything I was worrying about previously (ie; operation) is over?", "am i really going to do this?" "do i want to do this?" :wacko: :weep:
It's awful. These thoughts are easily the most mentally draining thing I have ever been through in my life. As a result, when I do get these thoughts and find them lingering for longer than usual, I find my mood becomes very low, although I do not consider myself "depressed". Having always suffered with anxiety, I know from past experience that I do have "low" moments and that I can torture myself with worry- only to look back a few months later & think "why was i thinking that? That was so irrational".
My mood was really low this weekend. I felt edgy all weekend, very low in confidence, I didn't really feel like doing much. Even when I went horseriding on Saturday- which usually calms me down a lot- I felt more tense than usual!! :mad: It's so frustrating!!! I think the frustration is draining me so much, I spend so long getting angry with myself, questioning why I am suffering like this.
I don't like the moody me; I become very snappy and irritable and the more I realise how moody I'm being, the worse it gets. My parents haven't really got a clue what's going on, but if they do notice I'm quieter than usual, they question why and make it into such a big deal that I feel ashamed of myself!! I feel like I'm not allowed to be down when I'm with them, feel like I'm not allowed to have a moody day, even after everything that has happened.:unsure:
I feel so tired at the moment; physically and mentally. The last year has been one constant worry in every possible way. After a car crash/road traffic accident in September 2007, things just spiralled out of control. I literally feel I haven't stopped worrying since then, especially as I wound myself up about my operation in August of this year for almost 9 months beforehand.
I know that everything is sorted now. I feel physically fine. I just feel like the mental exhaustion has been so great the past year, I might never recover from it. That is ultimately what scares me. I don't want to spend the next year thinking about everything that has happened. I feel so drained. I want to fight the horrible intrusive thoughts & go on to battle the anxiety I've been left with, but I've got no energy! I just feel like I could sleep for ages and still be tired. I'm scared I'll never look at anything the same again, even if I do recover from the general anxiety and everything else.:scared15:
Sorry, I do realise this is a bit of a rant! I would be grateful for any replies, advice or experiences you could share with me.
Thanks so much, I really think writing it all out helps too :flowers: This forum is great!! xx
I've had a bit of a bad weekend, and I'm basically looking for some reassurance. :hugs:
Just to fill you in; after a busy few months where I recovered from an operation & passed my driving test, I went away with my parents for a week and began suffering with horrible intrusive thoughts- most of which were centered around suicide. I've been suffering with these horrendous thoughts ever since and it's bothering me so much!:weep:
I have good & bad days, good and bad weeks... sometimes I can go a day or two without giving the thoughts too much attention, but when they take hold, they really take hold and I worry myself stupid. I fear going completely crazy & doing something stupid. I question myself all the time; "why am i having these thoughts?", "why am i worrying when everything I was worrying about previously (ie; operation) is over?", "am i really going to do this?" "do i want to do this?" :wacko: :weep:
It's awful. These thoughts are easily the most mentally draining thing I have ever been through in my life. As a result, when I do get these thoughts and find them lingering for longer than usual, I find my mood becomes very low, although I do not consider myself "depressed". Having always suffered with anxiety, I know from past experience that I do have "low" moments and that I can torture myself with worry- only to look back a few months later & think "why was i thinking that? That was so irrational".
My mood was really low this weekend. I felt edgy all weekend, very low in confidence, I didn't really feel like doing much. Even when I went horseriding on Saturday- which usually calms me down a lot- I felt more tense than usual!! :mad: It's so frustrating!!! I think the frustration is draining me so much, I spend so long getting angry with myself, questioning why I am suffering like this.
I don't like the moody me; I become very snappy and irritable and the more I realise how moody I'm being, the worse it gets. My parents haven't really got a clue what's going on, but if they do notice I'm quieter than usual, they question why and make it into such a big deal that I feel ashamed of myself!! I feel like I'm not allowed to be down when I'm with them, feel like I'm not allowed to have a moody day, even after everything that has happened.:unsure:
I feel so tired at the moment; physically and mentally. The last year has been one constant worry in every possible way. After a car crash/road traffic accident in September 2007, things just spiralled out of control. I literally feel I haven't stopped worrying since then, especially as I wound myself up about my operation in August of this year for almost 9 months beforehand.
I know that everything is sorted now. I feel physically fine. I just feel like the mental exhaustion has been so great the past year, I might never recover from it. That is ultimately what scares me. I don't want to spend the next year thinking about everything that has happened. I feel so drained. I want to fight the horrible intrusive thoughts & go on to battle the anxiety I've been left with, but I've got no energy! I just feel like I could sleep for ages and still be tired. I'm scared I'll never look at anything the same again, even if I do recover from the general anxiety and everything else.:scared15:
Sorry, I do realise this is a bit of a rant! I would be grateful for any replies, advice or experiences you could share with me.
Thanks so much, I really think writing it all out helps too :flowers: This forum is great!! xx