Can feel depression setting in.

[rocklover]

I have anxiety which was getting better, but now it appears to be getting worse again. It is mostly to do with my ibs and feeling sick, they trigger my panic and the the panic triggers them...a lovely viscious circle.

I get panic attacks, which I never got before August this year, and although they are less frequent, they are still around. The problem I am having is that because of this and because of my life circumstances I am beginning to think that I am worthless. I constantly compare myself to everyone and I am rubbish. I totally and utterly hate my life, the only thing I really care about is my daughter, I am trying my best to get better for her.

I am often irritable and offhand with my family because I have such low self esteem and this makes me feel very guilty and even more depressed about what a pathetic person I am. Currently I am not working due to anxiety, I have lived with my parents since my marriage ended 2 years ago and I feel my life is going nowhere, I am so embarrassed and disgusted to be me. I cannot take AD's as I tried them and I had awful side affects and made my constant nausea worse.

I am hoping that this black cloud is only hanging over me because I am just recovering from flu. Some people would say I am being very self indulgent in feling like this, but I don't feel sorry for myself...I hate myself. I have no idea why my boyfriend is with me at all, I don't see any positives in myself at the moment and I am wondering whether to end the relationship because it would be fairer on him, he could do so much better.

Anyway, I am not asking for sympathy, just needed to clear my head and get all these icky feelings out of me.

Thanks for reading.

[Gabby]

Hi Rocklover

Just wanted to say you're not alone. That post could have been written by me. I have had panic/anx and depression on and off for 10 years, marriage broke up few yrs ago and my daughter and i moved back in with my dad.

Keep focussed on your daughter. Thats what I do as mine is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. And take comfort that this feeling will pass of its own accord. I have got back on my feet (ish!), met a new man and now have a home of my own and have the anx mostly under control. I am still struggling with depression and feeling worthless, unattractive and useless but I do what I can to get by and get through each day.

Dont feel bad about being with your parents, try and welcome the support they can offer and give yourself a break.

G

[siobhain]

oh sweetheart,i couldnt read and not post.i feel like i could have written that myself.i can completly relate to the feeling of hating yourself and comparing yourself to others and not feeling good enough.I to feel guilty and feel like i am being selfindulgent ,remember that it is not your fault that you suffer from anxiety ,its just the same as people who have physical illness is not their fault-you dont choose to suffer from anxiety. I wish i could give you some useful advice,try and take one day at a time and try not to be hard on yourself when you have a bad day.Wish you all the best

[rocklover]

Thanks for your kind words Siobhain. I am not feeling as terrible as I did when I posted, but still don't feel great. It's not helped by the fact that my anxiety seems to be returning to a higher level, just when I had managed to get rid of it (almost), it makes me feel despair that I will ever be 'normal'.

I want to do all the things I used to love without struggling either with panic feelings or having severe nausea. I am broke too, I tried applying for incapacity benefit (I wanted to apply for income support, but was forced to go for incapacity), but they "never received" all the documents I sent that were requested, so I have given up and I am looking for work, which terrifies me!

I have always been anxious, but I have never experienced the awful panic feelings I get now, before, it all just seems so unfair, yet I know I am doing it to myself. I am sure things will improve eventually if I just push on, I am on the waiting list for counselling and I am hoping when it happens that it will help me cope better.