I Think I Understand Now

[Hope 2]

Hello NMP'ers

I don't know where I am going with this really.

I started seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis a few months ago. I knew it may bring to the surface difficult emotions due to sharing details of my past. Like always though, when the emotion rises I push it back down. I imagined myself to be a quivering wreck in the corner by week 3, but no. It's stuck stuck stuck. But I think that's what I am afraid of, losing it publicly, and I am SURE I will never be the same again if I let go. I honestly thought I would have lost the 'metal door' that keeps it all securely hidden, and spilled it out for all to see by now. So do I carry the door with me forever and continue to feel trapped and lonely or let it spew out and end up more damaged than ever inside.

I have a partner and friends I could talk too but feel a burden to them and no amount of reassurance is gonna change that. Even my dear friends online, that's why I have faded away into the back ground.

I reached a point today with my counsellor. I have even 'locked up' inside with her. Granted, what we spoke about today is pretty huge, I hate that I can't tell her, she is the only one I felt comfortable to tell some really private feelings. I can't find the words to say just how beautiful of a person she is. I will always be glad I had that time with the counselling, but I think it may be time to leave.

Where can I go from here ? I am alone with my soul, still. I thought I had found some freedom. How can I find peace when I STILL feel undeserving of any care, sympathy or bottom line, love.

Thanks for reading this if you have, I am grateful to you.

Regards to all

Julia

[ladybird64]

Hi Julia

Your post really has struck a chord with me. I have never gone for counselling as I can't even begin to imagine opening up my "boxes" (my version of the metal door:winks: ) to anyone.
I have trained myself to believe that counselling could not change anything for me, whats past is past and that past has given me some of the strengths that I have. I honestly believe that if I shared the stuff that I have locked away I will never recover..it is part of me.
But..you HAVE been able to share some things with your counsellor and it is helping you, maybe you just have to figure out, with her help, how to move things forward. I'm sure she must have encountered this before, why not ask her?
I admire you for taking that difficult step, for having the courage to do it..I don't think I ever could. Don't give up..you DO deserve to have some peace of mind and soul..all of us do.
I wish you well :flowers:

[Hope 2]

Today is not a good day.

:weep:

Julia

[Hope 2]

Was I too long winded, did people get bored ?

I am trying not take it personally but it's hard not too.

Regards
Julia

[clair7]

Hi Julia,

just like to say good on u for going to counselling in the first place, im petrified 2 as like u i worry about letting it all out and becoming a jibbering wreck afterwards.
You should be so proud of yourself for taking these positive steps to help yourself, if only i had some of your courage!!
Take care
xxx

[Hope 2]

Hi Ladybird

We have some common ground I agree. I always had 'boxes' until I went to counselling !! I just renamed lol.

I , like you, think my past has made me stronger. BUT what it has done is leave me as an adult feeling worthless and undeserving of love or even care.

My life is terribly lonely living as me. I am lucky as I have people around that love me (perhaps) ........... but I don't believe them. Never have. Even my parents and partner of 12 years. I get angry when some people think those of us in relationships reckon we got it easy/ier. Note I said 'some' not all.

All I want is to try and begin to feel happy in my own skin. There are big things happening that I can't speak of here. The bottom line is I went to find myself and now I am more confused and sadder than ever before.

Your acknowledgement of 'me' meant a great deal and I thank you for your kindness :flowers: . I felt less alone as you understood.

Julia

[Hope 2]

Clair,

Thanks very much for the complimentary reply.

You know what though, I don't think I am remotely courageous (my counsellor would argue that lol), I only sought help cos I couldn't face wasting another day of my life feeling like I did. Maybe we all reach a point where we take a leap into the abyss ! I am questioning now if I have done the right thing though .......... eeek. Time will tell I guess.

Cheerio
Julia

[freakedout]

Hi Hope,

Firstly how good to see you back. I did notice you haven't been around for a while.

You made a big step going for counselling, and I know from my own experience that even though there are things 'locked-up' deep inside it is extremely difficult to even know how to start spewing them out. You know you want to get it out, but like the metal door, or the lids on boxes it just is too painful to open up. Some people would say that opening up old wounds is not helpful, but I believe that it is crucial if we are to try to understand ourselves, and maybe THEN begin to accept ourselves.

How can we accept ourselves when we feel undeserving, and regard ourselves as something so small and insignificant (like an E coli microorganism in my case..... hmmmm not nice - faecal bacteria for those of you who don't know). I am sure that someone out there will be able to offer you more in the way of hope, but I do think personally that in order for you to move on, and feel something positive you need to know that none of this is your fault. According to my psychologist, around the age of 12 is a crucial point of cognitive development where we develop a greater sense of identity and make more realistic sense of the world (or something like that) and I am in no way trying to lay blame on anyone, but our life experiences in turn affect this sense of identity. I don't expect you to even think about breaking through metal barriers here, but although today is a bad day, please reconsider continuing with your counsellor. You have obviously developed a rapport with her, and maybe you feel sadder now than ever before because you still haven't spewed out the crap inside that is eating you up, yet you may have been so close to it. Obviously I don't know the full situation - I am truly sorry if I have got it all wrong, but it seems that you have such low self worth and confidance because of circumstances, that may have, in turn given you no alternative way of thinking about yourself.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are deserving of care and sympathy, you do deserve to be loved. You weren't too long winded at all with your intitial post, I am not sure why more didn't reply but please don't take it personally.

I wish more than anything this Christmas that good psychological health could come in the most tiny well wrapped package for us all, with a nice bottle of Tia Maria!!!

Wishing you all the best

Take care Hope

Freaky

[Hope 2]

Hi Freaky

Thanks so much for your reply. To know that someone made such an effort on my behalf made me very touched, as did the other replies too.

You say try not to take it personally when not many people reply, thing is I do, when I am vulnerable and low. I have had time away from nmp for exactly that reason. I guess I should accept it's life, virtual or not. Some people will always get lots of attention for every problem they have. Oh well not to worry eh.

I think you made a lot of sense. The part that struck me was when you spoke of my past circumstances and how they may have contributed to how I am now.
Thanks for that acknowledgement, as I beat myself up constantly for even have an issue with any of it. Hearing it from someone else really helps.

I will follow you and ladybird's advice and continue with counselling. Without that I don't stand a chance.

If I have missed anything out I apologise. I am kinda wiped out today.

Gimme a shout anytime, if u think I can help you at all

Regards
Julia

[Hope 2]

Me again

Just wanted to say to Donna, big thanks mate for being a true buddy. You is one in a squillion.

Jue xx

[marie1974]

hi mate i know we keep in contact via email and msn but just wanna send u hug and here if u need me but i understand u need time too xxx

[Hope 2]

Hey Donna

Knowing you are always 'just a message away' provides me with so much comfort honey.

I know you understand me too, how I leg it for weeks on end when I need to. I hope you believe me when I say I always think of you even when I am not around.

Thanks doesn't cover it really but, thanks !!


Love Julia xx

[Hope 2]

Hey Donna

Am feeling a teeny bit better today.
Probably cos I got that much 'going on'
no time to be maudlin
Oh and bit of a boost
2 job offers in one day
just wish they where the jobs i wanted lol
but, beggars cannae be chosers eh pet
So debt at christmas won't drive me crackers
oh pleeeeeease cheesy me

How's you doing, still playing nursie ?
Hope u all feeling better xx

Jules xx

[marie1974]

ello matey well all nearly better so school tomorrow, i feel better too thankgoodness, thanku for asking xx.

ohh good about job offers they dont involve going round a pole do they hun, cos i heard u can make quite a bit at crimbo hehe, oh ok mayb just me that does that sorta thing then pmsl.

glad u feeling tiny bit better though thats great
hugzzzzzzzzzzzz xx