Separation anxiety and marriage problems

[lizzie29]

Hi, I suffer from separation anxiety and if my husband isn't near, then I worry. However, a month ago I found out that he's done some terrible things behind my back and that a lot of what he's told me over the past 8 months or so have been lies. Since I found out, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I'm so worried that he's going to leave me and I'll be on my own, which obviously will panic me. The thing is though, he's being so nasty to me all the time, calling me all these horrible things. I don't know what the future holds for us but I can't even think of being on my own cos of my anxiety. Even if I wanted to leave him (I want to try and work things out but it's early days) I don't think I could because then I'd have to be on my own and I couldn't cope. Has anyone else had anything similar happen? Or just any advice? I really feel so down about it all. Thanks.

[Joeycrazycat]

Hi there!

I hope I'm not going to be too brutally honest with you, but you can't be with somebody who lies and bullies you.

I have no doubt that you can cope on your own. What is the point of being with someone whose nasty and says horrible things to you?

You have the right to a nice honest relationship; do not let your anxiety feelings take that away from you.

Take great care,

JCC

[Anxious_gal]

I just hope that he is good to you, did he just confide in someone or did he just go around bitching about you?

[Franz]

This guy clearly doesn't deserve you, but it's a difficult situation, I can see that. At some point you need to be shot of him, but maybe somehow you need to get some security elsewhere in your life first.

In the long term, staying with someone who's awful to you because you can't bear to be alone is not a recipe for a happy life.

[Hope 2]

Hi Ikenny

I am not surprised you feel down. Being lied to causes great pain.

It sounds like your husband is resentful, hence the way he treats you.

Maybe you are in your relationship for the 'wrong' reasons ?

My gut feeling is that if you HAD to cope alone, you may be able to conquer/address the anxiety problems you suffer with. Maybe your husband is behind some of the reasons why you are like this in the first place, or at least continue to be.

Actually, I have to say, who the heck am I to comment.

I just really wanted to help a little.

Take care
Julia

[marie1974]

hi hun, oh im sorry and u should not have to put up with anyone treating u this way, i know wot its like to worry when a partner is not around cos i am the same but im lucky mine is nice and loves me to bits.

i think u r stronger then u think hun and in certain situations when we are trully tested we are all survivors, please dont put up with him treating i this way, how dare he matey, u dont deserve that.

if he has done horrid things then he is not happy and not being honest and u r not happy either so it will just continue to get worse and u will feel worse, please b strong and stand up to him and you know wot you may find that this will make u stronger as a person and happier too. hugs xxx

[Cathy V]

Hi there. I think alot of people stay with partners they shouldnt stay with to avoid being alone. Its the hardest part of HA, when you are scared to be alone. Please think about your future and your health. Your anxiety is probably made much worse living with him anyway if this is how he treats you. I got out of an abusive marriage 13 years ago now, and it was scary to start with, but it was the best thing i ever did health wise believe me. I felt so much better. The idea of being alone was worse than the reality.

Take care
Cathy xxx

[Cherbear]

I suffer from separation anxiety too hun but honestly, there is no way you can be happy with someone who lies to you and you deserve someone who is honest with you. Do you have any near by family? You don't have to be alone, you just have to be strong and you can do this. Stay with him for the right reasons not the wrong ones:hugs: :hugs: xx

[belle]

Hi.
Going back to 2002.

I had not been on my own AT ALL since before the birth of my son in 1998. I'll give you a bit of background. I would have a panic attack for the 2 minutes it would take my ex to get to work, i would panic the whole day while he was gone and i would panic until he got home. My mother would have to sit with me if he went shopping, i could NOT be alone.

Christmas 2002 we split up. I had to do it, on my own. I had a 4 year old son to look after too. It was not easy, i use to panic, have a lot of anxiety too, but you do cope. You COULD cope.

You should not have to live in a situation like that, just for the fear of being alone. The mental abuse will bring you down even more, trust me. Plus, if he doesn't want to be there, he shouldn't be made to feel he has to. It will make you both more miserable in the long run and he'll end up resenting you even if it is all his fault!!

Do you have friends/family you can have around?

You really don't deserve to put up with that b*llsh*t.

x

I should add, i now live with just me and my son and wouldn't have it any other way! Peace, quite and very little stress (apart from a ten year old boy growing up!)..

[lizzie29]

Thank you all for your lovely, kind words and advice. It's good to hear that other people with separation anxiety have got through being on their own and that it is possible. I suppose like anything, it's the thought of it that's worse than actually doing it.
Belle - how did you cope? I think that's amazing, it seems such a scary thought to me, like you, I find it hard when he's out at work, so to imagine living alone is just awful.
Anyway, am going to see how things go over Christmas, then think about things in the new year and have a long chat with my husband. I don't want to leave him and I'm hoping things get better, so who knows! Think positive, right?!

[Cathy V]

Reading your origional post, I just think its very sad that you will probably stay with someone who obviously doesnt love you, and treats you very badly, but of course we can only give you the advise you asked for. To ignore it is your choice. I hope things don't become too bad for you in the future. Best wishes for christmas and the new year.

Take care
Cathy xx

[emma1980]

I just wanted to offer my support and understanding of your situation.

I've been with a partner for years who I am terrified to be without and away from. We broke up earlier this week and now I have to be without him. It's scary and horrible right now but I know that long-term I'll be stronger and better without him.

I'm here if you want to talk anytime.

[lizzie29]

Cathy - I have not said I am going to ignore all your advice, merely that I am not sure what is going to happen at the moment. I do not want to rush into anything.

[Cathy V]

Sorry, that might have been worded wrong as i was talking about everyone's and not just mine as we all gave you the same advice. Good luck anyway.