Mully
15-12-08, 09:59
I like most of you here am a sufferer of PA's, Anxiety Disorder and Depression, having to live with that grey cloud that sometimes hovers over my head like some black hole ready to suck me right in has been a battle I've been fighting for the past 8 years.
After all this time I have pretty much learned to 'cope' and manage to live my life the best I can day to day with the tools I have learned and up until recently I was adamant that I was finally on the road to recovery!.. yay!..
I have been on meds for all this time, first it was Eflexor then after they were a disaster I went onto Citalopram/Cipramil.. for years I took 20mg and found that this kept me pretty much on an even keel.. however the begining of this year was the year I decided enough was enough I want to come off these dam things and get my life back..
To cut this short, and not to ramble on too much I shall just say that I did try to come off the Cipramil a few years ago and was not successful due to the main point that I stopped them completely! stupid I know now.. and so with that little lesson learned, I decided to do it slowly and for the last 6 months I have been on 10mg..
The last 8 weeks or such I was taking 10mg every other day.. and I had a few ups and downs, but by October I was still feeling blah.. but determined to face some demons and acheive some goals.. one of which was travel. I have not been on a bus in 6 years!.. and still haven't lol.. but I did attack a train with my pressence :D.. ok it was fist class, ( got a good deal on a ticket).. and so it was quiet with only a few onboard quietly tapping on their laptops..and only an hours trip... at one point I had to walk two coaches back to use the lavvy.. and that was horrid. The standard cars where full of screaming kids and PEOPLE! .. mwwahaha.. I literally ran the journey back to my seat after finding the loo... but, I was still proud that I had made the journey when I reached my destination, without turning into some ashen quivering mad women with her head in a carrier bag incase of puking.. It was also my first time away from home.. my security zone in almost 5 years and I managed to spend a coupe of weeks with family that I had not seen for so long.. I was driven home by the way as I could not quite face the train journey back lol.. haha.. but it was a start.
This was 6 weeks ago.. and oh how much things have changed in that time.
While I was away, I did have two panick attacks, but as usual I just rode them through till I came out the otherside. Luckily I was indoors and not out in a public place so.. it could of been worse.. (this is what I tell myself..) and even though it upset me as they do tend to leave me feeling a little fragile.. I was not going to let them bother me and try to continue to enjoy my time away from home.
When I came home however, I found I was more tired, lethargic, and my god! weepy like some constant dripping tap!.. my memory has become so poor, I feel like my brain in broken half the time.. can't sleep, feel frustrated and angry to the point I threw my phone against the wall!.. I never do such things!.. ever!.. as I have always had that part of me aware of the consequences of ' loosing the plot'.. but guys, I so feel like I am loosing the plot right now and I know that I have to swallow my pride and admit defeat..again!.. and so I am back off to the docs to go back up to 20mg. Because even after doing so well all this time, the last 6 weeks have been hell..and I am angry at myself and at the drug, and this morning I had another p attack.. it was not severe but with all the other things going on in my brain of late I have to see this as a sign that I am no longer coping.
I've not been able to truly talk to anyone about these things.. I know people who suffer with anxiety and they tend to ask me for advice as they see that I've done so well ..yadda yadda.. but, now I need to vent.. I need to know that what I feel.. what I am going through will be read and understood by somebody.. Do you ever feel like a really good moan and whinge?.. lol.. because that is how I'm feeling right now.. I don't get the chance that often to do so, haha.. you lucky peeps you :yesyes:...
anyhoo.. other things are playing a part in all these goings on in my life right now but what I've written above is enough I hope to give you an idea of how 'blurgh' I'm feeling right now and how much of a failure I am feeling.. I know I shouldn't feel this way etc.. but .. I do...
I came across this site whilst blubbering over my keyboard and decided I would join.. I know in my head that I will get passed this .. but sometimes keeping positive is just soooo hard... and part of me wants to break, just fall to little teeny tiny pieces. I won't let that happen of course.. but I am so close to it sometimes.
Well so much for cutting this short .. Have a great day everyone :)
After all this time I have pretty much learned to 'cope' and manage to live my life the best I can day to day with the tools I have learned and up until recently I was adamant that I was finally on the road to recovery!.. yay!..
I have been on meds for all this time, first it was Eflexor then after they were a disaster I went onto Citalopram/Cipramil.. for years I took 20mg and found that this kept me pretty much on an even keel.. however the begining of this year was the year I decided enough was enough I want to come off these dam things and get my life back..
To cut this short, and not to ramble on too much I shall just say that I did try to come off the Cipramil a few years ago and was not successful due to the main point that I stopped them completely! stupid I know now.. and so with that little lesson learned, I decided to do it slowly and for the last 6 months I have been on 10mg..
The last 8 weeks or such I was taking 10mg every other day.. and I had a few ups and downs, but by October I was still feeling blah.. but determined to face some demons and acheive some goals.. one of which was travel. I have not been on a bus in 6 years!.. and still haven't lol.. but I did attack a train with my pressence :D.. ok it was fist class, ( got a good deal on a ticket).. and so it was quiet with only a few onboard quietly tapping on their laptops..and only an hours trip... at one point I had to walk two coaches back to use the lavvy.. and that was horrid. The standard cars where full of screaming kids and PEOPLE! .. mwwahaha.. I literally ran the journey back to my seat after finding the loo... but, I was still proud that I had made the journey when I reached my destination, without turning into some ashen quivering mad women with her head in a carrier bag incase of puking.. It was also my first time away from home.. my security zone in almost 5 years and I managed to spend a coupe of weeks with family that I had not seen for so long.. I was driven home by the way as I could not quite face the train journey back lol.. haha.. but it was a start.
This was 6 weeks ago.. and oh how much things have changed in that time.
While I was away, I did have two panick attacks, but as usual I just rode them through till I came out the otherside. Luckily I was indoors and not out in a public place so.. it could of been worse.. (this is what I tell myself..) and even though it upset me as they do tend to leave me feeling a little fragile.. I was not going to let them bother me and try to continue to enjoy my time away from home.
When I came home however, I found I was more tired, lethargic, and my god! weepy like some constant dripping tap!.. my memory has become so poor, I feel like my brain in broken half the time.. can't sleep, feel frustrated and angry to the point I threw my phone against the wall!.. I never do such things!.. ever!.. as I have always had that part of me aware of the consequences of ' loosing the plot'.. but guys, I so feel like I am loosing the plot right now and I know that I have to swallow my pride and admit defeat..again!.. and so I am back off to the docs to go back up to 20mg. Because even after doing so well all this time, the last 6 weeks have been hell..and I am angry at myself and at the drug, and this morning I had another p attack.. it was not severe but with all the other things going on in my brain of late I have to see this as a sign that I am no longer coping.
I've not been able to truly talk to anyone about these things.. I know people who suffer with anxiety and they tend to ask me for advice as they see that I've done so well ..yadda yadda.. but, now I need to vent.. I need to know that what I feel.. what I am going through will be read and understood by somebody.. Do you ever feel like a really good moan and whinge?.. lol.. because that is how I'm feeling right now.. I don't get the chance that often to do so, haha.. you lucky peeps you :yesyes:...
anyhoo.. other things are playing a part in all these goings on in my life right now but what I've written above is enough I hope to give you an idea of how 'blurgh' I'm feeling right now and how much of a failure I am feeling.. I know I shouldn't feel this way etc.. but .. I do...
I came across this site whilst blubbering over my keyboard and decided I would join.. I know in my head that I will get passed this .. but sometimes keeping positive is just soooo hard... and part of me wants to break, just fall to little teeny tiny pieces. I won't let that happen of course.. but I am so close to it sometimes.
Well so much for cutting this short .. Have a great day everyone :)