Greetings All..

[Mully]

I like most of you here am a sufferer of PA's, Anxiety Disorder and Depression, having to live with that grey cloud that sometimes hovers over my head like some black hole ready to suck me right in has been a battle I've been fighting for the past 8 years.

After all this time I have pretty much learned to 'cope' and manage to live my life the best I can day to day with the tools I have learned and up until recently I was adamant that I was finally on the road to recovery!.. yay!..

I have been on meds for all this time, first it was Eflexor then after they were a disaster I went onto Citalopram/Cipramil.. for years I took 20mg and found that this kept me pretty much on an even keel.. however the begining of this year was the year I decided enough was enough I want to come off these dam things and get my life back..

To cut this short, and not to ramble on too much I shall just say that I did try to come off the Cipramil a few years ago and was not successful due to the main point that I stopped them completely! stupid I know now.. and so with that little lesson learned, I decided to do it slowly and for the last 6 months I have been on 10mg..

The last 8 weeks or such I was taking 10mg every other day.. and I had a few ups and downs, but by October I was still feeling blah.. but determined to face some demons and acheive some goals.. one of which was travel. I have not been on a bus in 6 years!.. and still haven't lol.. but I did attack a train with my pressence :D.. ok it was fist class, ( got a good deal on a ticket).. and so it was quiet with only a few onboard quietly tapping on their laptops..and only an hours trip... at one point I had to walk two coaches back to use the lavvy.. and that was horrid. The standard cars where full of screaming kids and PEOPLE! .. mwwahaha.. I literally ran the journey back to my seat after finding the loo... but, I was still proud that I had made the journey when I reached my destination, without turning into some ashen quivering mad women with her head in a carrier bag incase of puking.. It was also my first time away from home.. my security zone in almost 5 years and I managed to spend a coupe of weeks with family that I had not seen for so long.. I was driven home by the way as I could not quite face the train journey back lol.. haha.. but it was a start.

This was 6 weeks ago.. and oh how much things have changed in that time.

While I was away, I did have two panick attacks, but as usual I just rode them through till I came out the otherside. Luckily I was indoors and not out in a public place so.. it could of been worse.. (this is what I tell myself..) and even though it upset me as they do tend to leave me feeling a little fragile.. I was not going to let them bother me and try to continue to enjoy my time away from home.

When I came home however, I found I was more tired, lethargic, and my god! weepy like some constant dripping tap!.. my memory has become so poor, I feel like my brain in broken half the time.. can't sleep, feel frustrated and angry to the point I threw my phone against the wall!.. I never do such things!.. ever!.. as I have always had that part of me aware of the consequences of ' loosing the plot'.. but guys, I so feel like I am loosing the plot right now and I know that I have to swallow my pride and admit defeat..again!.. and so I am back off to the docs to go back up to 20mg. Because even after doing so well all this time, the last 6 weeks have been hell..and I am angry at myself and at the drug, and this morning I had another p attack.. it was not severe but with all the other things going on in my brain of late I have to see this as a sign that I am no longer coping.

I've not been able to truly talk to anyone about these things.. I know people who suffer with anxiety and they tend to ask me for advice as they see that I've done so well ..yadda yadda.. but, now I need to vent.. I need to know that what I feel.. what I am going through will be read and understood by somebody.. Do you ever feel like a really good moan and whinge?.. lol.. because that is how I'm feeling right now.. I don't get the chance that often to do so, haha.. you lucky peeps you :yesyes:...

anyhoo.. other things are playing a part in all these goings on in my life right now but what I've written above is enough I hope to give you an idea of how 'blurgh' I'm feeling right now and how much of a failure I am feeling.. I know I shouldn't feel this way etc.. but .. I do...

I came across this site whilst blubbering over my keyboard and decided I would join.. I know in my head that I will get passed this .. but sometimes keeping positive is just soooo hard... and part of me wants to break, just fall to little teeny tiny pieces. I won't let that happen of course.. but I am so close to it sometimes.

Well so much for cutting this short .. Have a great day everyone :)

[bottleblond]

Hi Mully

Welcome to NMP :flowers:

You will get lots of advice and support here


Lisa
xxx

[Diane O'Brien]

Hi Mully

:welcome: to NMP. I to was like u Milly. I,m slowly getting out of the bottomless pit, I call it. You will find this site very supportive, I certainly did when I joined in September. Back then I was a mess but slowly I,m regaining back myself. You will get there Milly. You sound like ur a fighter.

Take Care and its lovely to hear from u.

Diane xxx

[lorac]

Hi Mully

Welcome to the site I am sure you will get some good advice and support on here.

Take care

Carol

[sunshine-lady]

Hi Mully

:welcome: to NMP, I'm sure you will like it here as there is so much advice and support.

chat is fun too:biggrin:

[spaced]

:welcome: hi and welcome to NMP:)

[Mully]

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone :)

I'm feeling much better since my ramble the other day and whether I like it or not I've had to up my meds, so I saw my Doc today who agreed that was best for now but wants to keep a keener eye on me from now on and maybe we can try again in 6 months...hopefully in a week or two I should be back on an even keel again.. ho hum.. He did point our that perhaps I had just done too much too soon, but my motto is you don't know till you try and I was on a roll ... baby steps again then..pfft..

[WorryWartRussell]

I used to have major panick attacks myself, so bad that I would lose control of my breathing.
I took up some yoga and some falun gong exercises and things got so much easier. I am relieved of meds and of SO much tension, might I suggest the same to you?
Thanks for sharing, and I hope things get easier as you go.
Happy Holidays

[Mully]

You know Worry, I have tried that and I do 'when having a good month' do some yoga and excercise but It never lasts.. I lack motivation and can't keep it up!..

I know excerise can be great for depression and helping you sleep better a night.. but I soooo need a kick up the bum sometimes to get and do it.. I want to.. and plan to do more.. but it is and can be sooo difficult when the depression takes hold and you can barely get out of bed in the morning and I don't have anyone to do this with... its not fun on your own and worse for those like me who can't afford to join a Gym or even face the long walk it would take to get there if I could afford it lol.. but...I do intend to do something maybe take up running again even though I am sooo rubbish at it ..

By the way.. I just want to add for others that yes... when you start excercising it can be quite scary, due to the fact that your heart rate increases and your breathing gets faster and when you hear it pumping in your lugholes you think ..dam.. this is similar to an attack!.. but I did do some running last year ( well more walking than running !).. and found that it was difficult and had to keep reminding myself that ' its ok' for my heart to be doing this in my chest!. and yes.. I went light headed due to the mass of oxygen I was getting into my lungs... but.. Its ok.. take it slow.. and build up and I think its good training for the subconscious too ..so it doest go into panic mode when these things happen in your body..

[Veronica H]

:welcome: Mully. I think you should try not to be so hard on yourself as you are obviously a real fighter. It would be easier if we all took maximum meds to supress this thing, but of course this will not cure us. I am taking minimum meds and fighting like you, but I have days when I just have a good cry too. I have made a great deal of progress but the thought of the train, let alone getting on one, fills me with dread so you have done really well. Glad you have found us.

Veronica

[Mully]

Thank you Veronica.. I must say that facing the train would of not of happened had I not had some motivation for trying it.. I'm in a newish relationship and he lives 150 miles away from me so, after months of him having to travel the 3 hours each way to see me when he could I decided it was time I made the effort.. that gave me motivation.. ( oh the things we do for lurve! ).. anyhoo. I also made sure I made it as painless as poss by either booking the quiet coach or 1st class.. as it was I got a great deal on a 1st class ticket and checked all the details first of where I would go in the station to find the 1st class lounge etc.. so, I was having coffee in the warm instead of standing on a platform .. cold and surrounded by comings and goings of people..

I wont' say it was easy.. but organizing just a little of it so that I knew what to expect helped.. as I said before.. going through the standard coaches when I needed the loo was not pleasant and i know that if I had decided to try my hand at travelling standard I would not of made it passed the 1st stop.. but its all baby steps .. thats all we can do.

I feel that dread with busses !.. the thought of going on one makes me want to hurl.. I would rather walk the half hour into the next town in a blizzard than attempt to get on a bus for the few minutes journey.. but, I am trying to see this as just another goal to be scored.. a hurdle to be jumped.. I may face it sometime, I know I can't do that on my own so one day I will arrange for someone to come with me.. and go for it. ..maybe.. lol.. but i do strongly believe that not facing the things we fear only enforces the continuation of this debilitating illness.. though I will admit, I would rather go run and hide under a rock half the time than face it.. but I am responsible for that and I choose whether I give things a shot or not.. and sometimes I have to accept that i'm a scaredy cat and other times the Tigeress.. grrr.. haha.. one day.. we will overcome .. even if it's just one thing like making it through a queue without dropping the basket and walking out.. and even if it takes you months .. years to score one goal.. it is one step closer to recovery..

[pooh]

Hi there and welcome along to NMP

Pooh x