Repressed Emotions

[Hope 2]

Hello NMP'ers

I wonder if anyone can help me.

I am 36 and have spent all my life holding in my emotions.

I had a kinda breakdown whilst expecting my first child.

Now it's 7 long years later, career lost. Identity crisis going on.

Scared and felt invisible as a child.

Subject to 'some' forms of abuse.

Rejected rejected rejected



Anyway, now my 'acute problems' have diminished I am left with this 'nothingness' inside, confusion and sadness.

The past is suddenly the present and it is crushing me inside.

I am having counselling via a charity, I can't 'let it go'.

Please someone help me to learn how to actually do this.

I find this so hard to even ask so any advice most appreciated.

Regards

Julia

[titchjd]

Hiya m8

I can't give much advice but want u 2 know Im here 4 u weneva u need me .

Its good you are having counselling and I hope you get progress from it .
I feel same about my past and live somethings over in my head constantly ..esp as now Im older I question things I couldnt question then ...but I do try 2 accept that it is the past and theres absolutely nothing I can do 2 change it ..the only thing I can change is how I deal with it now ...what is it that you want 2 do ....do you want 2 be able 2 accept it and move on ..if so then the 1st step is to talk about it or write it all down and get every little thing out ...it will be hard but u have 2 take 1 step at a time .and understand you will never forget but can accept x
You are a fab person and brill mom never forget that x

M8 carry on with counselling and take small steps x
Hugs always xxxxxxxxxxxx:hugs:

[marie1974]

hi matey well tough one i know but i agree u need to write it all just to yourself and read it over and over cos this will help first of all.

matey we have talked lots in past and i know u suffer and i trully beleive u gotta talk about this otherwise it will never leave you, there isnt really a way of doing this thats gonna b easier, i think like when u write it down, start from the beginning and take it from there.

your counsellor sounds lovely and you obviously have a connection so thats a good thing hun.

there are certain things in my life too that i find real to let go completely and i know when first talking about them it was awful but now i can, i still struggle alot but it is so much easier for me.

i also did some stuff few months ago facing up to parents etc that i never ever thought i could do and at the time omg i felt really really bad but now i feel so much better, i know its gonna be tough at first but u just have to sort this for you and your family cos its holding you back so much.

write it down matey please and b totally honest cos that will b kinda therapy doing that and it will b hard but do it by yourself if you want to or with someone with you its up to u but once u get used to doing this and reading it then it will make it easier to talk to counselor or u could just give her the letter instead.

hugs and u know im here xx

[Hope 2]

Hi Sam
Hi Donna

Thanks so much, really.

Maybe my threads are too boring or intense or sommat :shrug:
Makes me feel worse/more invisible than ever.

ANYWAY
thankfully u 2 are always there
Take it easy
Julia xx

[pooh]

Hi Hope

How you let the past go? It's a big question. Our past helps to shape and define us, our experiences teach us about how we will interact with each other and ourselves.

In order to change, the very fist starting point is will. You are already acknowledging it. The process of 'letting go' isnt about forgeting its about learning to view your experiences from a different emotional perspective. You let go by coming to terms with. Another key thing to this is forgiveness. You have a past yes but you have a present and a future too that you can shape and mould that you can exercise choice over.
One of the things about being on here is that people will understand. I understand that right now you feel unbale to push past anything but i want you to know that i believe in YOU and your ability to achieve this very goal.

I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that i believe in you even if right now you dont quite believe in yourself.

You are not invisible...you will never be invisible!

Pooh xxx

[Hope 2]

Pooh

Thanks for your help.

I understand what you mean about forgiveness. I kinda have gone through stages for years, where I have put the past behind me/forgiven, only for it to resurface. I realise this is cos I have buried it each time.

This time it just seems 'unsortable' cos it feels so huge.

I want to move forward, desperately.

I want to find out who I am underneath all the necrosis and filth.

The thing is, how do I move on when the person I need to most forgive is myself.

It so MUST BE my fault, how else can so much have happened, from so many angles, to just one individual.

The damage is ingrained. I have give it my best shot, seeking this recent help, yet now, I feel stuck.


Tetley,

I have had CBT (for severe OCD) twice in last few years. Now much better :yesyes:
My GP is supportive. He felt I needed senior psychiatric help for the deeper issues (he doesn't know what they r) , the CMHT turned me down. The counselling I am currently going for is via a charity, thank goodness for them.

Thank you both it means a lot

Julia

[Hope 2]

Oooops, there's more lol

Just to say Pooh, saying you believe in me, it's so very very kind xx

Thing is, bottom line kinda deal, I don't believe ANYONE when they say they care in any shape or form. Apart from my child.

This is kinda maybe why I feel so alone.

On the outside I seem to have it all, helped by my fab acting skills.

I want so much to believe in those who say they care, I want to believe in me.

Apologies, bet u wish you had left well alone :blush:

Cheers me dears
Julia

[marie1974]

hi mate well i care mate so u better believe it or else i come sortya out hehe.

you got to let go hun, we do have an understanding me and u have got to deal with these issues matey, u gonna have to take a god damn huge breathe and get this out whether it b on paper or to counsellor, friend who ever but , u gonna go mad if u dont, i mean this trully as your friend, cos u dont seem yourself hun and i always worry. hugs xxx

ps i too as you know have felt like i must have done something terrible in my life to get treated the way i have down in the past and go through certain things, but the fact is jules we are just vulnerable people but very lovely people and the more insecure, alone and unhapyy we get the more vulnerable we become and bingo we meet our next potential disaster.

i had to learn how to not get this way and when i do feel strong i would never let people treat me the way they av done, but when im not then they come along and just pick bits off me bit by bit.

pleasssssee please hun, no one thinks u invisible or anything here its just how u feel inside and i know u been through so much and u are so quiet and gone into your shell and i miss u hun, please be brave and let go of all this stuff, i promise then u will start to feel better and i will still b here and still b your friend and still support you. hugs xxx

[Hope 2]

Donna

Thanks my very tolerant, very understanding friend.
Yes, I am vulnerable, and I am open to 'misuse'.
Even 'life events' not too long ago still hurt so much and make me feel terribly used.
Im an idiot, I never learn.

I miss you too sweet pea.

I also miss knowing how it feels to be comfortable with oneself, erm, hang on not sure I can miss sommat I never knew anyway.


You make me feel safer than I once did. You is pretty special therefore :flowers: , and NO arguements OKAY lol.


Catch u soon
Another day in 'heavy camp' tomorrow, yer gotta laff eh
Will be in touch, and let u know all the gossip.

Real Love and Care to me mate
Julia xx

Thanks for helping me build 'some trust up'
I will ( maybe) get there one day eh spud.

[marie1974]

hi matey i know how u feel over some recent stuff but you def are not an idiot, these things happen and you dont see things for wot they are at the time, its not until after you think oh dear, i been the same matey as you know.

But u need to deal with this with your counsellor cos my counseller showed me that all my crap thats happend is usually when im vlulnerable and like u say left open to misuse, you need to know the signs and not put yourself in those positions, but until u learn to feel better inside of you this vulnerability will stay with u.

u were with me when i went through my crap and god that was hard and other stuff we have spoken about thats still with me today and guilt etc, but i dont feel half as bad as i did anymore hun cos i offloaded and dealt with lots with my counsellor, u must do this too matey its only way.

you are a tough cookie i know u are, i know u scared but dont let these people, thoughts, memorys etc etc win, dont waste life just existing anymore matey u deserve better, i know u want more in life and once u sorted this all out you will be able to make your decisions on stuff and u will feel happier with yourself. merry crimbo and hope u got that wine rack stacked up for crimbo lol, mine will b, chat soon xx