Telis
16-12-08, 05:53
Hello everyone. I am 18 years old and guess what! I am suffering from panic attacks. :D
This will be quite long. My first panic attack was 3 years ago, everybody knows how it feels. I actually managed to cope with them without much help until a month or so. What happened was that as I was going to university, in my mom's car, she was driving, i suddenly got the derealization feeling and a strong wave of anxiety, this kept going throught the whole route, with these "waves" of anxiety, i can recall 3 - 4 till we reached the university. I didn't say anything, only that I couldn't hide the feeling of discomfort. I got out of the car went inside the University, met some of my friends, we talked, time passed, went back home, everything was fine. Next day I went out with a friend of mine, nothing unusual.
All the relapse came back on Monday, I was playing on my Computer, I do play a lot. I then started thinking what had happened on Friday and why it did. God damn the moment I opened Wikipedia and typed Panic Attack. (I had the problem much more before and went to a Psychiatrist for it and had overcome it so I knew what a Panic Attack was but I just felt the urge to look it up). Sudden, indescrete periods of intense anxiety mounting physiological arousal, bla bla bla you all know it. I kept reading: "Some Panic Attacks can be as short lived as 15 seconds, some can last much longer even hours and won't stop until medication is taken." Read about the fight or flight response, all those stuff.
What my psychiatrist had told me is that Panic is caused by the catastrophic misunderstanding of anxiety's physical symptoms. That's all I knew. I read about Panic Disorder, it is a serious health problem but can be controlled and succesfully treated. Then I read about treatment and read so many are there and patients are likely to respond to at least one form. As I was reading thoughts kept rushing through my mind:"so what if there are patients that don't respond to anything." Read about the treatment resistant panic. Then read that Panic Disorder can lead to Depression and then I said Jesus Christ. Also read that in a study 119 patients diagnosed with Panic Disorder followed 35 years later, 20% of them commited Suicide. Then i really panicked. I kept searching Depression, Bipolar Disorder, wanted to find something that I didn't have so I could calm myself down. I felt that suicide is a real danger to me, that I will "break" cause of all the anxiety and harm myself, I had intruisive thoughts about this, slicing my veins jumping off the window, putting my fingers in an electric plug, these thoughts crippled me to death, I was terrifyed.
Nonetheless I went to my Psychiatrist again and told him all those things, he told me about the intruisive thoughts and stuff. All I can remember right now is some really hard times and some totally calm, those calm times came when I realised something, First one was that I was caring too much about automatic functions, like if a thought becomes action is not my concern and I shouldn't worry about it. It calmed me down really. I felt happy about it but all this joy went to my head as if it's a begining of a manic phase of Bipolar Disorder and i'll start hitting people, bumping into walls, start holluscinating.(don't know if i spelled it right, guess not) eventually lose control and harm myself. I was talking to my parents and they told me to start going out, start buying clothes and stuff, I was answering what are you talking about? I don't wanna go out to help me overcome my problem nor I wanna buy clothes as a solution and I was a bit irritated. Then I regreted acting like that. Bah I don't know.
I have written too much i know, the way i am feeling know is that I opened a "Pandora's Box" by starting looking up Mental Disorders and whatever I do I instantly say: "Damn it could be that, what am I gonna do now." I know all this is irrational but I honestly don't know anymore. I concluded to my worst fear, it was that at some point I'll lose control and kill myself. Then I thought what kind of sane person fears something like that. Then I said i don't know, irrational fears are part of being human(?). Generally what diminshed the anxiety throughout the last month was thoughts like "a Panic Attack never made someone lose control". Generally when i was relieved I didn't think of them at all, I just realised I was safe.
Did I really have Panic Attacks? I think not, i just had severe anxiety, didn't feel that "out of the blue" panic or even if i did, i didn't let it evolve. I don't if you can understand me, i'll tell you how I feel right now, i think what i wrote is just random thoughts and understandings of mine, I am not sure even if it's coherent to read, now I think it's a word salad, schizophrenia. I just getting tired of all this and when I say that my mind goes so know you will commit suicide! and I get the creeps again. I don't know what to write anymore, it's like I know everything about my problem yet I can't overcome it, it feels terrible, I'll go to my doctor today, I am reallly afraid of the way there, derealization is by far the worse symptom of the whole thing and i am sure i will feel it while in the car. He will tell me the same stuff again. I don't want to take any medication or take any drastical actions to overcome, I just want this disciplined thinking and making logical assumptions out of every irration fear that comes to my mind, cause i don't get how medication can really help, it will reduce the symptoms of anxiety but what the heck? Is that what you fear? getting a little bit of sweaty hands or a rapid heartbeat? I don't. I know if it's a serious illness worrying about it doesn't make it better. What about mental disorders, is it the same? God I don't know. In the back of my head I want to believe that Mental Disorders aren't really abnormalities just a misunderstanding and chain of thoughts.
Anyway sorry if it's too hard to read, it's really like thinking on the keyboard right now so let me know if you don't understand something. Thank you for reading this.
This will be quite long. My first panic attack was 3 years ago, everybody knows how it feels. I actually managed to cope with them without much help until a month or so. What happened was that as I was going to university, in my mom's car, she was driving, i suddenly got the derealization feeling and a strong wave of anxiety, this kept going throught the whole route, with these "waves" of anxiety, i can recall 3 - 4 till we reached the university. I didn't say anything, only that I couldn't hide the feeling of discomfort. I got out of the car went inside the University, met some of my friends, we talked, time passed, went back home, everything was fine. Next day I went out with a friend of mine, nothing unusual.
All the relapse came back on Monday, I was playing on my Computer, I do play a lot. I then started thinking what had happened on Friday and why it did. God damn the moment I opened Wikipedia and typed Panic Attack. (I had the problem much more before and went to a Psychiatrist for it and had overcome it so I knew what a Panic Attack was but I just felt the urge to look it up). Sudden, indescrete periods of intense anxiety mounting physiological arousal, bla bla bla you all know it. I kept reading: "Some Panic Attacks can be as short lived as 15 seconds, some can last much longer even hours and won't stop until medication is taken." Read about the fight or flight response, all those stuff.
What my psychiatrist had told me is that Panic is caused by the catastrophic misunderstanding of anxiety's physical symptoms. That's all I knew. I read about Panic Disorder, it is a serious health problem but can be controlled and succesfully treated. Then I read about treatment and read so many are there and patients are likely to respond to at least one form. As I was reading thoughts kept rushing through my mind:"so what if there are patients that don't respond to anything." Read about the treatment resistant panic. Then read that Panic Disorder can lead to Depression and then I said Jesus Christ. Also read that in a study 119 patients diagnosed with Panic Disorder followed 35 years later, 20% of them commited Suicide. Then i really panicked. I kept searching Depression, Bipolar Disorder, wanted to find something that I didn't have so I could calm myself down. I felt that suicide is a real danger to me, that I will "break" cause of all the anxiety and harm myself, I had intruisive thoughts about this, slicing my veins jumping off the window, putting my fingers in an electric plug, these thoughts crippled me to death, I was terrifyed.
Nonetheless I went to my Psychiatrist again and told him all those things, he told me about the intruisive thoughts and stuff. All I can remember right now is some really hard times and some totally calm, those calm times came when I realised something, First one was that I was caring too much about automatic functions, like if a thought becomes action is not my concern and I shouldn't worry about it. It calmed me down really. I felt happy about it but all this joy went to my head as if it's a begining of a manic phase of Bipolar Disorder and i'll start hitting people, bumping into walls, start holluscinating.(don't know if i spelled it right, guess not) eventually lose control and harm myself. I was talking to my parents and they told me to start going out, start buying clothes and stuff, I was answering what are you talking about? I don't wanna go out to help me overcome my problem nor I wanna buy clothes as a solution and I was a bit irritated. Then I regreted acting like that. Bah I don't know.
I have written too much i know, the way i am feeling know is that I opened a "Pandora's Box" by starting looking up Mental Disorders and whatever I do I instantly say: "Damn it could be that, what am I gonna do now." I know all this is irrational but I honestly don't know anymore. I concluded to my worst fear, it was that at some point I'll lose control and kill myself. Then I thought what kind of sane person fears something like that. Then I said i don't know, irrational fears are part of being human(?). Generally what diminshed the anxiety throughout the last month was thoughts like "a Panic Attack never made someone lose control". Generally when i was relieved I didn't think of them at all, I just realised I was safe.
Did I really have Panic Attacks? I think not, i just had severe anxiety, didn't feel that "out of the blue" panic or even if i did, i didn't let it evolve. I don't if you can understand me, i'll tell you how I feel right now, i think what i wrote is just random thoughts and understandings of mine, I am not sure even if it's coherent to read, now I think it's a word salad, schizophrenia. I just getting tired of all this and when I say that my mind goes so know you will commit suicide! and I get the creeps again. I don't know what to write anymore, it's like I know everything about my problem yet I can't overcome it, it feels terrible, I'll go to my doctor today, I am reallly afraid of the way there, derealization is by far the worse symptom of the whole thing and i am sure i will feel it while in the car. He will tell me the same stuff again. I don't want to take any medication or take any drastical actions to overcome, I just want this disciplined thinking and making logical assumptions out of every irration fear that comes to my mind, cause i don't get how medication can really help, it will reduce the symptoms of anxiety but what the heck? Is that what you fear? getting a little bit of sweaty hands or a rapid heartbeat? I don't. I know if it's a serious illness worrying about it doesn't make it better. What about mental disorders, is it the same? God I don't know. In the back of my head I want to believe that Mental Disorders aren't really abnormalities just a misunderstanding and chain of thoughts.
Anyway sorry if it's too hard to read, it's really like thinking on the keyboard right now so let me know if you don't understand something. Thank you for reading this.