I'm meeting someone and I'm scared

[Ireni]

I have a friend, I'll call him S, and I've arranged to meet him for coffee on Monday. It's stupid really because I asked him and I want to see him, but I forgot that I have social anxiety, so now I regret it. I'm totally panicking. These are my worries:

S might not want to meet me. He's polite so he could have agreed but be thinking 'Oh god, not her!'

What if I get the wrong time? Or S doesn't show up? Or he does but we don't see each other because it's crowded?

I am tremendously boring and very, very hard to talk to. I can't make conversation and I probably make other people feel uncomfortable because I'm generally rubbish and unlikeable.

What if we can't think of anything to say and sit there for ages in silence?

How do I know when to leave? And how do I tell S that I'm going? I don't want to be too abrupt, but I also don't want to linger for too long until S has to escape!

We're meeting in a cafe. I don't know what do order/how to order. I don't drink coffee, but I did say we'd meet for coffee, so would it seem odd if I ordered something different, like apple juice? I hate going to the till and paying for stuff. It takes me ages and I feel like everyone's watching me.

I can't eat when people are looking so I can't have any food there.

The whole thing just feels weird because S is a sort of friend, but we haven't met for months. I like S (like as in have a crush on) and I keep getting scared in case S can tell how I feel - is it obvious that I like him? I also think someone we know works in the cafe. I don't know why this is so awkward and uncomfortable, it just is.

I ALWAYS say something stupid. I get flustered and have a George Bush Moment where I either state the obvious or embarrass myself in a different way. I know I'm going to feel embarrassed, but the more I like someone, the worse it is. I'll probably want to curl into a ball by the end of this.

I care a lot about what he thinks of me. I'll end up stuttering in a Hugh Grant kind of way. Terrible.

If I feel ill I could have a full-blown panic attack. That'd be 2x as bad because they're both terrifying and humiliating at the same time.

I sometimes seem unfriendly without meaning too. I mean, I always smile and I'm polite; I just do all of the wrong things as far as body language goes. I find it so hard to make eye contact, my body scrunches up, I blush, my palms go clammy - not very welcoming signals.

I feel like a creep. Can't really explain or expand that point.

I know this is waaaaaaay too long and I shouldn't be worrying so much about something so trivial, but it doesn't feel trivial: it feels huge.

I don't know what I'm asking, but any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks

xxxx

[Claire79]

Oh hun you will be fine! Do you want to know what got me over my social anxiety? Someone I respect telling me that they always think about what they do not what others do. This may seem meaningless now but just think about it, we ALL want to be liked regardless of anxiety or whatever so we all worry about how others view us.

I bet you're not hard to talk to, your post was clear, concise and easy to understand. And anyway, people who dont talk a lot are often good listeners, just perfect that. When he starts to talk, ask him questions about what he just said, people love talking about themselves. He'll walk away thinking you are great I'm sure.

Order what you want, talk about what you want, and be who you are. One of my friends says the most random, obvious things sometimes and everyone loves her for it! Quirky traits don't have to be negative.

Go on girl, you'll know when it's time to leave just as you know when it's time to go when you're talking on the telephone.

Big hugs x

[Ireni]

Thanks for being so supportive, Claire. :)

I know that you're right about what other people think - it's just hard to put the idea into practice. Does that make sense?

Listening is one thing that I can actually do and I like hearing about what other people are doing. I just hope he has enough to say!

[Dominic1975]

I hear you on this one..... I used to find it really hard to strike up a conversation with strangers, or friends that I dont see on a regular basis. Its a self esteem issues, as your not sure if people are that interested..... I still struggle now, but it has got much better....

Firstly, at this time of year everyone is really busy... so if S has agreed to meet you on Monday for a coffee, they must really want to see you, so get that thought out of your head.... actually feel good they have found the time, they must really really like you.... plus, drink what u like, it about meeting up for a drink, not whats in you cup!!

Keep telling yourself you are really looking forward to meeting S, rather than the details of what could go wrong.... repeatedly say to yourself 'I cant wait, its going to be great meeting S' - Sounds silly, but concentrates your mind on the good things, rather than the what ifs

Secondly, what I do is think of about 5 subjects, that I can bring up if the conversation goes dead. I write them on a piece of paper and check it when I go to the toilet... I have never needed to use it, as the conversation just flows. But knowing I have it there, just helps and I relax more. This time of year it will be easy - Think about Christmas Questions.... 'How was your works party' 'Have you got all your presents sorted' 'where are you spending christmas day'

Someone at work, gave me a tip - which is, answer a question with more than 5 words and add a question on the end of your answer, so then the conversation cant stop.... So if they ask you 'Are you sorted for Christmas' dont just answer 'Yes'.... say 'I have got all my presents, just need to wrap them, then I am sorted - How about you, what did you get nice for your mom?'

Hope this helps

xx
Dom

[picklepants]

if you can talk as much as you can type i then i think youll be alright. so far you sound pretty dang intersting to me :yesyes: