Worst Christmas ever, i feel heartbroken

[Carol27]

Hi, i'm so sorry but this was the first Christmas i have ever had whilst suffering anxiety and i feel my heart is breaking. My children and their families came and i am usually so full of fun but all i was full of was anxiety, panic and this awful bizarre thought that terrifies me. It was my youngest grandaughters first christmas so i feel i let everyone down. I just can't stop being afraid of this thought, purely because i can't relate to anyone having anything remotely like it so i worry its not anxiety. I was sobbing in my daughters arms as apart from the thought my biggest fear is that it will keep coming even if i recover from the anxiety, that terrifies me. I've always been analytical so worry why i'm thinking it and if it goes , where does it go? and of course what if it never goes. I also miss my parents so bad, i feel like a small child who wants Mum and Dad, they died within 6 months of each other nearly 3 years ago but i wish they could hold me. I'm sorry but i'm so scared by all this,and confused and for the first time in a couple of months i was starting to have maybe an hour in the day where it eased off, the bodily feelings eased and the thought was either in the background or not there for short periods but it always comes back, love Carol.

[Karen]

Sorry you're having such a rough time Carol :hugs:

I'm sure you didn't let anyone down and children enjoy Christmas no matter what. You can't help having anxiety at the moment and if you were feeling ill with flu or something I doubt you would think you had let anyone down. It's just that we are all pretty good at beating ourselves up for not coping with anxiety or depression or whatever, but there is really no need.

Whatever the thought is that you are thinking remember that you have had times recently where it has lessened. As it sounds like it is something you are scared of and worried about it is very unlikely you would act on it. We all have thousands of thoughts a day but most come and pass without us dwelling on them. It is only scary thoughts that tend to remain with us.

And I completely understand about missing your parents. When feeling vulnerable I think it is natural to want your mum or dad to look after you. My parents are still alive but don't want to know me. I still often yearn for a mother figure to hold me and take care of me too.

I hope today is better for you. You are not alone here. We understand :hugs:

Karen xx

[bottleblond]

Carol

A very good friend of mind had to explain the 'intrusive thought thing' to me because like you, i just didn't understand it. She is trained in this sort of field. I'll try my best to make sense of it for you but i am bu no means going to make it come accross as she does. Lol

Ok intrusive thoughts are caused and fed by the naixety and the anxiety can be triggered by the intrusive thoughs. The main thing is to get the anxiety under control, when that happens then the thoughts will also be under control and banished. It is the anxiety hun, i can promise you that.

Are you taking any meds at all? Is your GP aware of the way you are feeling?

There is 101 different ways that you can be helped hun so please don't suffer this way.

We are all here for you! :flowers:

Loads of love
Lisa
xxx

[mf]

Hello carol

I really feel for you as several years ago i too went through a very difficult time... After a series of very stressful events and then a health scare that involved lots of tests i went on to develop extreme anxiety which almost resulted in me going into a clinic... No matter how much my physciatrist or husband told me my thoughts were irrational i could not shake the thoughts/feelings off.. My every waking thought was consumed with obsessing about one particular thing happening to me, i would wake up in the night and just cry with fear, i became so ill that i could barely function and it really felt like a living hell, i thought that i was never going to feel better or even slightly normal again... .. That was about three years ago now and i did get better with the help of medication and the support of family. Like you when i was at my worst i could not imagine how the afwul, terrifying thoughts would ever go away and would i have to live with them everyday for the rest of my life,but they did gradually start to fade and now they are firmly stores in the back of my mind and they are thankfully not a feature of my everyday thinking or thought process..I do still have episodes of anxiety but nothing like three years ago, my doctor told me to expect increased anxiety when we get to a certain age due to hormonal changes, so i think some of my anxiety is due to that and i do tend to worry more... I am sure that you will get better Carol,it just takes a bit of time and is a gradual process and maybe if not already you should seek some help and medication from your doctor.. Do not beat yourself up thinking that you have let your family or anyone down, you are not well and i am sure that they understand that and i can understand how you must miss your parents, i do not think that it matters how old we are, we always miss our parents particularly when we are going through a bad time and we need the comfort, support and that feeling of protection that our parents can offer... Take care and if you feel the need to talk, feel free to mail me... Mx

[Yvonne]

Hallo Carol

My heart kind of broke for you whilst reading that.

The intrusive thought, the one that is torturing you, has to be told to someone, however hard that may be for you. I do feel you have to get it off your chest. This thought is making you feel completely awful and it's contributing to the anxiety.

I have had intrusive thoughts either when anxiety was extremely high or when withdrawing from medication so I have an idea what it's like. There are loads of people out there who have ugly, disgusting, .............. whatever thoughts. These thoughts can scare you to death, I know.

I so felt for you when I read that you cried in your daughter's arms I can relate to that and my heart goes out to you.

I want you to try to get it firmly in your mind that these thoughts MEAN NOTHING. Well, what they do mean is that you are suffering high levels of anxiety and that is all. There is nothing wrong with your mind or whatever you may be thinking.

A lot of thoughts with anxiety are intrusive as far as I'm concerned - not meaning that they have to have a dreadful content, but a lot of our thoughts are irrational and make us scared of normal things. The illness is all about thoughts and when anx is bad the thoughts are awful too.

You need to talk to someone close to you who will not judge and who understands anxiety to put your mind at rest. Have you a therapist, and have you mentioned this thought.

You take care. xxx

[lovemypets]

Hi Carol - Mind if I ask how old you are? I ask because I am 53 and have had anxiety off and on for several years, but it is much worse now that I am going through menopause. I also feel depressed (NOT like me), but my doctor has assured me that this will pass. You may want to talk with your OB/GYN or family doctor (I live in the US, so not sure what you have over there) and perhaps they can help you. I have a feeling that some of your anxiety, etc. could be hormonal. Good luck and hugs from the US! Janet

[Nechtan]

Sorry to hear you had such a bad time. It is probably one of the hardest times so please don't beat yourself up too much about it. The pressure is on to be there and be the focal point when we know that is the hardest thing to do. It has passed now so please start looking to getting yourself on the road to a better Christmas next year where you may be stronger.

All the best

Nechtan

[titchjd]

Hiya beaut ...let me start by never say sorry ok ...as u have nothing 2 be sorry for .

Our anxiety is fed by our thoughts and our thoughts feed our anxiety but believe me it can and will get better ....I knew all about anx and could have written a book lol but I just couldnt get my head around my thoughts Id wake up thinking about anx and id go 2 bed thinkin of anx ....I had cbt which was quite good its gives you things 2 do 2 combat negative or intrusive thoughts .....There are some books out there that you can get 2 help ..if you want me 2 pm u a few I will x Try not to think too much about wether your anx will ever go etc as these thoughts will keep it there ..just deal with 1 day at a time no 1 can see in to the future so theres no point worrying about it ...when you start 2 think like that stop and try distract your thoughts x

Christmas is a very stressfull time hun so dont you think you let anyone down because you didnt ..you just think you did ......look at it that you had your family around you and ok you felt very anx but you were still there for them .
I spent my xmas evenin cryin on my own hun so we all find xmas hard in some way .xxx

Iwish you all the best darl and take care xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Dorothy]

Dear Carol
Please dont feel bad about how awful you felt over Christmas. Its only a day and there will be many more.It is so stressful anyway and I know how guilty you feel if your not 'in control' I have experienced this so often. I often think I have nothing to be anxious about so maybe the symptoms are something else then starts the vicious circle of health anxiety!! Are you at the age of the change of life as I think Janet may be right that it is hormonal Take care and enjoy time with your family
Dorothy xx

[lorac]

Hi Carol

I think it has all been said in the above posts but I will say how sorry I am that you have had such a bad Christmas a year ago I was the same and I do know how you are feeling. Christmas is a very hard time of the year when you are not feeling how you would like to be and we do push ourselves harder to try and enjoy it which puts more pressure on us. Try not to worry about it and just concentrate on getting yourself better there is a future out there for you and you will have another Christmas.

Take care my luv and please talk to someone about those intrusive thoughts it will help.

Carol x