Jules31
30-06-05, 13:02
Be warned this is long, (but I know that in a few days I will look back and not quite believe what I did)
On monday and tuesday I was booked on a work course which should have been in Grantham, not too far from where I am. But I found out last monday it had been moved to London and no one told me. So now I had to stay over two nights instead of being able to drive home. You can imagine how I felt.
After a lot of whinging I decided to make the most of it and persuaded my husband to come down with me on Sunday and we could have a day out. We got there just before lunch, went to my flea pit of a hotel (yes work booked it) and then we wandered around the Tate Modern, St Paul's cathedral and had a really nice lunch followed bya glass of wine in Covent Garden. But I knew that Dave was there to look after and he kept making me laugh, as he knew how worried I was.
As it nearer to the time for him to leave I started to feel tearful but held them back. I offered to go to St Pancras, with him. This meant I then had to get the tube back to my hotel, alone!! I did it telling myself that I was a strong independant woman, who could do this. I used to be able to travel alone.
So I got on the tube, smiled at strangers, and tried to relax. My heart was racing , legs were weak etc,but I found my hotel (without the need for a map) so felt a bit better. I then went for a walk to find the offices where my course was being held. Success again.
I was so hyped when I got back that I couldn't sleep and stayed up watching a late film. I dozed off eventually but kept being woken by the noisy traffic and unusual sounds and heat (yes the room was no bigger than a small cardboard box).
In the end it triggered an anxiety attack. But I sat through it, didn't ring or text anyone and made myself go back to sleep.
The next morning a bit bleary eyed I went to my course. Great a room of 14 other people most of whom knew one another. I admit I did cheat and sit near the door. But that was the only foible, I let myself had.
I forced myself to have conversations with people and found that I really knew a lot more than some of the others there. That armed me with some confidence and I got through both days. I did have some very strange symptoms on and off but I stayed put and no one knew. Even when I was worrying that something was bursting in my head as I got constant stabbing pains for about five minutes, I remained where I was. And made friends with a couple of really nice people.
By the time I left. I was exhausted but very pleased with myself. Now it had been my intention to go back to the hotel and just chill there all night. But the prospect of 14 hours in that pokey room was just too much.
I'm not sure then what happened, cos I found myself wandering around a strange shopping area, buying myself some clothes, which I then dropped off at the hotel. I then had a shower, got changed and somehow I found myself at the tube station. I got a ticket and decided to go covent garden, which was 2 tube rides away.
Heart pounding I got off the tube and decided that I really needed to eat but wasn't going to just grab a takeaway sandwich or some fast food. Was this really the woman who a couple of years ago couldn't even make it out of the office to buy a snack 50 yards away?
I looked at various restaurants and really didn't think I could do it. Then I heard a busker singing one of my favourite songs. It evoked happy memories which relaxed me. I couldn't see him, so walked around until I found him, not far away was a brasserie with little tables outside. It was very busy but I decided it looked nice and I went up to one of the staff to see if they had a table. I was very conscious of being the only single woman there and several tables with groups of men on them. But I didn't let it put me off and found myself saying that I would wait, when I was told that there was a 15 minute wait for tables. What had I done. Next minute I was in the bar, with a glass of wine in my head, thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea.
On monday and tuesday I was booked on a work course which should have been in Grantham, not too far from where I am. But I found out last monday it had been moved to London and no one told me. So now I had to stay over two nights instead of being able to drive home. You can imagine how I felt.
After a lot of whinging I decided to make the most of it and persuaded my husband to come down with me on Sunday and we could have a day out. We got there just before lunch, went to my flea pit of a hotel (yes work booked it) and then we wandered around the Tate Modern, St Paul's cathedral and had a really nice lunch followed bya glass of wine in Covent Garden. But I knew that Dave was there to look after and he kept making me laugh, as he knew how worried I was.
As it nearer to the time for him to leave I started to feel tearful but held them back. I offered to go to St Pancras, with him. This meant I then had to get the tube back to my hotel, alone!! I did it telling myself that I was a strong independant woman, who could do this. I used to be able to travel alone.
So I got on the tube, smiled at strangers, and tried to relax. My heart was racing , legs were weak etc,but I found my hotel (without the need for a map) so felt a bit better. I then went for a walk to find the offices where my course was being held. Success again.
I was so hyped when I got back that I couldn't sleep and stayed up watching a late film. I dozed off eventually but kept being woken by the noisy traffic and unusual sounds and heat (yes the room was no bigger than a small cardboard box).
In the end it triggered an anxiety attack. But I sat through it, didn't ring or text anyone and made myself go back to sleep.
The next morning a bit bleary eyed I went to my course. Great a room of 14 other people most of whom knew one another. I admit I did cheat and sit near the door. But that was the only foible, I let myself had.
I forced myself to have conversations with people and found that I really knew a lot more than some of the others there. That armed me with some confidence and I got through both days. I did have some very strange symptoms on and off but I stayed put and no one knew. Even when I was worrying that something was bursting in my head as I got constant stabbing pains for about five minutes, I remained where I was. And made friends with a couple of really nice people.
By the time I left. I was exhausted but very pleased with myself. Now it had been my intention to go back to the hotel and just chill there all night. But the prospect of 14 hours in that pokey room was just too much.
I'm not sure then what happened, cos I found myself wandering around a strange shopping area, buying myself some clothes, which I then dropped off at the hotel. I then had a shower, got changed and somehow I found myself at the tube station. I got a ticket and decided to go covent garden, which was 2 tube rides away.
Heart pounding I got off the tube and decided that I really needed to eat but wasn't going to just grab a takeaway sandwich or some fast food. Was this really the woman who a couple of years ago couldn't even make it out of the office to buy a snack 50 yards away?
I looked at various restaurants and really didn't think I could do it. Then I heard a busker singing one of my favourite songs. It evoked happy memories which relaxed me. I couldn't see him, so walked around until I found him, not far away was a brasserie with little tables outside. It was very busy but I decided it looked nice and I went up to one of the staff to see if they had a table. I was very conscious of being the only single woman there and several tables with groups of men on them. But I didn't let it put me off and found myself saying that I would wait, when I was told that there was a 15 minute wait for tables. What had I done. Next minute I was in the bar, with a glass of wine in my head, thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea.