CABelieve13
30-12-08, 17:26
I started having anxiety problems since the third grade, and they all seem to center around illnesses. I mainly have a big fear of throwing up. I am 15 now, and suffer from very high anxiety, and many fears. i guess ill start from the begining.
In 3rd grade, i began being very afraid, always thinking i was sick and going to throw-up. I had a hard time in school and was often afraid to go. I had my stomach X-rayed, and nothing showed up. I visited a psycologist for one day, and she told my parents nothing was wrong. Then 4-6th grade, i still had fears i was going to throw-up everyday, and cried often out of fear of..im not sure what lol. but other than that grades 5-6 werent that bad.
7th grade everything changed. im not sure why that year, but everything went down hill and downhill fast. I would get soooo tense, my thumbs would pop in and i was unable to move them until i relaxed. I would become so scared, and then i would have dry heeves which scared me even more since i had this huge fear of throwing up. The first panic attack of that year, or even what i think is my first major panic attack ever, was on the bus. Right before i got on the bus i was in german, and i just remeber not feeling well, i was very anxious, and i seemed to be very hot. Then i got on the bus and was in the front seat because i didnt feel well, then i started dry heaving and i freaked right out. I jumped over the seat and sat on the floor holding my bus drivers hand. Its hard to talk about that, it was so embarrassing but i was just so afraid and had no idea of what was going on. Then i started being terrified t ride the bus, or even go to school. I spent alot of time in the nurses office, and the schoool councler. Then they started having to literally shove me into class, and told the teachers they werent allowed to let me out of the classrooms.
I remember another panic attack where i wouldnt get on the bus because i was afraid i would throw-up, so my dad had to come get me. I waited in the principles office, but i.......i was laying on the floor huddled up in the corner thinking i was sick. It all seemed to get better when i got home, but too often i had major panic attacks right before going to bed. That year i had terrible insomnia and only got 4 or so hours of sleep each night. And remember this was all during 7th grade...i was 12. I went to doctors, and almost went every week or so, and the did many blood tests, and found nothing wrong with my stomach. I missed alot of school, some from panic attacks, and some i was so weak from my anxiety i didnt want to get up. I was also very under weight because i was using uo all my energy, and eating wasnt a problem i at ALOT, but i just burned it off from nerves. i weighed 68 pounds. 7th grade was a very very very bad year. I never wanted to leave my house. Im suprised they didnt put my into a mental institution. I hated myself greatly, but never thought of suicide because one of my fears was also death, so i had no idea what to do. I would scribble on pictures of myself, put tears, make me look really ugly or put a knife in my neck. My dad found one once and got really scared, so after that i never did anything like that.
My attacks have also put a strain on my family. Mainly my mom. My mom would get so frusterated, she would scream at me, telling my how im a spoiled brat and im doing this for attention. She would always say very mean things, and the worst was while she was yelling at me to get over myself, she would mimic me, even though i never did or said anything like that but she would say "Oh im Katie. Poor my my life is terrible blah blah blah." this made me hate myself even more. My relationship with my mom is still strained, and i dont tell her anything anymore, because when i tried to talk to her while i was nervous or upset, she said i was acting unreasonable and i wasnt listening to her then she would just scream at me more. I often hide things from her and go straight to my dad. He doesnt yell, he is very calm, he listens to me and i listen to him. My mom tells me i dont listen to her, but i think it is more she doesnt listen to me. But now i dont listen to her even more, i just tune her out. Why should i continue listening to her yell at me if she isnt going to listen to me. She tells me to talk to her but when i start, and she doesnt like what im saying, she talks over me. My mom was never like this, not until 7th grade. That year i lost alot of friends, because i never wanted to hang out with them. Other than the attacks i dont really remember that year, things i did, or what i learned, because i always focused on my health.
In...eighth grade or mabye it was 7th, well within that time period, i had a counsler which i saw every week, i saw many gastrologists and many other doctors, even an allergist, I went to a hypnotherapist named Dr. Anabar (i think thats how you spell it.) I had a berium swallow, i had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done, im not sure what this next one is called, but i had a tube in my nose that went into my stomach that tested heart burn, and it had a little pack which read results. all the medical tests found nothing wrong with my stomach, and i was told i had IBS. The hypnotherapist helped, but i guess he said i wasnt ready to give it up, i or my body or whatever was refusing to except anything, which all i can say is i was young and scared and had absolutly no idea what was going on. I went on different types of anxiety/depression medications but they all had side effects that effected my stomach, which made me more nervous, so those didnt work.
I also have a tendency to create illnesses, i guess. Whenever i have to leave the ouse, i feel sick to my stomach, but when i get to where i am going and start to relax, it all goes away. Since 8th grade, my IBS has lessened, my stomach is alot better, i still felt sick sometimes, but mostly i have learned to control certain attacks and not worry.
The reason i have joined this site now, is my anxiety is coming back and now its not just throwing up, any little thing that is wrong or i think is wrong, my pinky hurts or i have cramps i think something is terribly wrong. Im also having some pretty bad dizzyness/balance problems, but ill post that into another forum.
Right now my weight is up, i way 104ish which is still not alot, but i am a small person.
lol ok so lets see.....on a HAPPIER NOTE :D . Things about me other than my anxiety. I am a sophmore at mexico high school. I love animals. I am all for animal rights am against any type of animal testing. i am going to be the person protesting at animal testing clinics, throwing flour bombs at lindsay lohan for wearing a fur coat, etc. :]. i just believe animals are just like us, living breathing creatures that share this earth with us, and we have no right to overpower them.
I am basically obsessed with Criss Angel. i love him more than air. I am quite a laughing stock at school but idc lol. I know everything there is to know about criss angel, i am always wearing a criss bracelet, or shirt, or a necklace, and for christmas i got a purse. When i am old enough, i plan on getting a criss tattoo on my back, with criss and wings and the word believe. And no i am not a troubled youth lol. I never get in trouble, i have a 98% average, and i dont think tattoos are bad. I think they are work of art and only trashy if you make them trashy.
there is a small group of people called the loyals, which basically in a nut shell are "more than fans" of criss angel, and i am glad to be one of those people. (If anyone on this site is against criss, or just doesnt like him, please no negative comments, i get enough of it at school. Please respect me and my love of criss lol. oh yeah and it is not a cult!! haha).
i am very much into art, but i havent done alot of it lately with me nerves and all. I do alot of sculpture and i make little figurines and sell them at shows or just whenever.
.....um. im not sure what else really. I love cartoons, and mindfreak. I used to love health shows but have stopped watching them because i misteriously get the same symptomes. i am single (who needs guys anyway [<3] :]).
So i think this is long enough, and i doubt there are any people that are going to sit down and read all of this lol. So ill just end it here.
In 3rd grade, i began being very afraid, always thinking i was sick and going to throw-up. I had a hard time in school and was often afraid to go. I had my stomach X-rayed, and nothing showed up. I visited a psycologist for one day, and she told my parents nothing was wrong. Then 4-6th grade, i still had fears i was going to throw-up everyday, and cried often out of fear of..im not sure what lol. but other than that grades 5-6 werent that bad.
7th grade everything changed. im not sure why that year, but everything went down hill and downhill fast. I would get soooo tense, my thumbs would pop in and i was unable to move them until i relaxed. I would become so scared, and then i would have dry heeves which scared me even more since i had this huge fear of throwing up. The first panic attack of that year, or even what i think is my first major panic attack ever, was on the bus. Right before i got on the bus i was in german, and i just remeber not feeling well, i was very anxious, and i seemed to be very hot. Then i got on the bus and was in the front seat because i didnt feel well, then i started dry heaving and i freaked right out. I jumped over the seat and sat on the floor holding my bus drivers hand. Its hard to talk about that, it was so embarrassing but i was just so afraid and had no idea of what was going on. Then i started being terrified t ride the bus, or even go to school. I spent alot of time in the nurses office, and the schoool councler. Then they started having to literally shove me into class, and told the teachers they werent allowed to let me out of the classrooms.
I remember another panic attack where i wouldnt get on the bus because i was afraid i would throw-up, so my dad had to come get me. I waited in the principles office, but i.......i was laying on the floor huddled up in the corner thinking i was sick. It all seemed to get better when i got home, but too often i had major panic attacks right before going to bed. That year i had terrible insomnia and only got 4 or so hours of sleep each night. And remember this was all during 7th grade...i was 12. I went to doctors, and almost went every week or so, and the did many blood tests, and found nothing wrong with my stomach. I missed alot of school, some from panic attacks, and some i was so weak from my anxiety i didnt want to get up. I was also very under weight because i was using uo all my energy, and eating wasnt a problem i at ALOT, but i just burned it off from nerves. i weighed 68 pounds. 7th grade was a very very very bad year. I never wanted to leave my house. Im suprised they didnt put my into a mental institution. I hated myself greatly, but never thought of suicide because one of my fears was also death, so i had no idea what to do. I would scribble on pictures of myself, put tears, make me look really ugly or put a knife in my neck. My dad found one once and got really scared, so after that i never did anything like that.
My attacks have also put a strain on my family. Mainly my mom. My mom would get so frusterated, she would scream at me, telling my how im a spoiled brat and im doing this for attention. She would always say very mean things, and the worst was while she was yelling at me to get over myself, she would mimic me, even though i never did or said anything like that but she would say "Oh im Katie. Poor my my life is terrible blah blah blah." this made me hate myself even more. My relationship with my mom is still strained, and i dont tell her anything anymore, because when i tried to talk to her while i was nervous or upset, she said i was acting unreasonable and i wasnt listening to her then she would just scream at me more. I often hide things from her and go straight to my dad. He doesnt yell, he is very calm, he listens to me and i listen to him. My mom tells me i dont listen to her, but i think it is more she doesnt listen to me. But now i dont listen to her even more, i just tune her out. Why should i continue listening to her yell at me if she isnt going to listen to me. She tells me to talk to her but when i start, and she doesnt like what im saying, she talks over me. My mom was never like this, not until 7th grade. That year i lost alot of friends, because i never wanted to hang out with them. Other than the attacks i dont really remember that year, things i did, or what i learned, because i always focused on my health.
In...eighth grade or mabye it was 7th, well within that time period, i had a counsler which i saw every week, i saw many gastrologists and many other doctors, even an allergist, I went to a hypnotherapist named Dr. Anabar (i think thats how you spell it.) I had a berium swallow, i had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done, im not sure what this next one is called, but i had a tube in my nose that went into my stomach that tested heart burn, and it had a little pack which read results. all the medical tests found nothing wrong with my stomach, and i was told i had IBS. The hypnotherapist helped, but i guess he said i wasnt ready to give it up, i or my body or whatever was refusing to except anything, which all i can say is i was young and scared and had absolutly no idea what was going on. I went on different types of anxiety/depression medications but they all had side effects that effected my stomach, which made me more nervous, so those didnt work.
I also have a tendency to create illnesses, i guess. Whenever i have to leave the ouse, i feel sick to my stomach, but when i get to where i am going and start to relax, it all goes away. Since 8th grade, my IBS has lessened, my stomach is alot better, i still felt sick sometimes, but mostly i have learned to control certain attacks and not worry.
The reason i have joined this site now, is my anxiety is coming back and now its not just throwing up, any little thing that is wrong or i think is wrong, my pinky hurts or i have cramps i think something is terribly wrong. Im also having some pretty bad dizzyness/balance problems, but ill post that into another forum.
Right now my weight is up, i way 104ish which is still not alot, but i am a small person.
lol ok so lets see.....on a HAPPIER NOTE :D . Things about me other than my anxiety. I am a sophmore at mexico high school. I love animals. I am all for animal rights am against any type of animal testing. i am going to be the person protesting at animal testing clinics, throwing flour bombs at lindsay lohan for wearing a fur coat, etc. :]. i just believe animals are just like us, living breathing creatures that share this earth with us, and we have no right to overpower them.
I am basically obsessed with Criss Angel. i love him more than air. I am quite a laughing stock at school but idc lol. I know everything there is to know about criss angel, i am always wearing a criss bracelet, or shirt, or a necklace, and for christmas i got a purse. When i am old enough, i plan on getting a criss tattoo on my back, with criss and wings and the word believe. And no i am not a troubled youth lol. I never get in trouble, i have a 98% average, and i dont think tattoos are bad. I think they are work of art and only trashy if you make them trashy.
there is a small group of people called the loyals, which basically in a nut shell are "more than fans" of criss angel, and i am glad to be one of those people. (If anyone on this site is against criss, or just doesnt like him, please no negative comments, i get enough of it at school. Please respect me and my love of criss lol. oh yeah and it is not a cult!! haha).
i am very much into art, but i havent done alot of it lately with me nerves and all. I do alot of sculpture and i make little figurines and sell them at shows or just whenever.
.....um. im not sure what else really. I love cartoons, and mindfreak. I used to love health shows but have stopped watching them because i misteriously get the same symptomes. i am single (who needs guys anyway [<3] :]).
So i think this is long enough, and i doubt there are any people that are going to sit down and read all of this lol. So ill just end it here.