partner of an agoraphobic

[coffee90]

Hello All

I am the partner of a man suffering from agoraphobia and have been for the past 4 years.
He has agoraphobia, monophobia and chronic anxiety and has suffered from this condition for more than 20 years.
In that time has has relied on his, now ex wife, to be his main support, although we have both discussed this, along with many physcologists and all believe this was not a healthy relationship for him.

However, in the time I have known him he has remained in residence with his ex wife and I have striven in every way possible to help him get out and about and feel a little more confident in himself.
I have given up my job, my life and my family to commit myself to helping him and we have made really good progress.
I know he will never be fully cured of this condition but i hope that he will be able to get some sort of life from this.
I have never given up, backed down or walked away, despite the fact that he maintains we will start a new life together, but i find my life a living hell and lately this has become so much worse.

I need someone who can help me to get through this and who can assure me that i am not alone.

He has made wonderful progress and has been to places he has never seen in the last 20 or so years, and I give constant reassurance and praise for every little effort he makes. But time and time again he has turned to the destructive source of his previous relationship to look for praise when he does well and this is something we both know he has never received and never will.

I do not wish to offend anyone who is suffering from this debilatating condition but i would like to be able to hear from others who can tell me where i am going wrong and why, no matter what i do he spurns me, is nasty, viscious and vindictive to me and turns on me at every opportunity.

I love this man dearly and my only aim is to help the best i can.
Every acheivement is a step forward and as i have always said, one day at a time is all we need to concentrate on.

Can anyone help me in this matter. I am at my wits end and don't know if i should give up and accept the fact that he would prefer to remain in the destructive situation he is in rather than face the fear.

I understand how difficult this is, but after four years of constant commitment and deication I am still nothing to this man and i do not know where to turn.

[belle]

Hi.
I'm an agoraphobic women (10 years) who's husband recently left due to the stress of living with this condition. I APPLAUD you for sticking by your man (and putting up with the ex wife), there are not many women who would do that, or men come to that matter.

From an agoraphobics point of view, sometimes its easier to carry on as things are because the fear of confronting them is SO much harder, this for me is true.

Take away the fact your partner has this illness, why would you want to remain with a man who is mean to you and as you say, mean so little to him? That is not healthy in a normal relationship, let alone an already strained one. I am not saying leave him, but these matters should definitely be addressed and then sit down and try and work out the rest.

I hope you don't think i am being blunt, because believe me, that is NOT my intention at all...

x

[coffee90]

Thank you for your reply.

I stick around because i see the true side of him at times but i would like to know from your own point of view if what he is telling me is right.
he states all agoraphobics behave in this manner and are nasty to their partners but i do believe that his childhood has a lot to do with this and not his condition.
he was badly treated and despite having reached the age of 50 is still scared in the presence of his father, his mother died at a young age, which is when he developed his condition.

[belle]

Hi.

In answer to your question, i would say no, not all agoraphobics behave that way. We all get frustrated with our situation, but it has an awful lot to do with how you express that frustration. I personally divert it inwards. I don't think he can use this as an excuse for his behaviour.

My father left our family when i was 4, he's never had anything to do with me AND i was really badly bullied at school for a good couple of years. I was mentally, physically and verbally abused daily. Still, no excuse for our behaviour.

x

[coffee90]

thank you all for your advice.

I think i need to face up to the fact that i am with a man who, no matter how much love and support i give him will never want to be with me.

It's a difficult pill to swallow when you have given up your whole life for someone you love so dearly.

He says he needs me and depends on me yet pushes me to the side at every opportunity and i cry myself to sleep night after night hoping that this will stp, when deep down i know it won't.

thanks all and i wish you all well

[sunshine-lady]

Hi Coffee,

As stated by Belle, I also applaud you for sticking by your man and his ex wife. However, I can not understand why you stay with a man who treats you so badly and belittles you. These traits certainly do not go hand in hand with his condition and this certainly isn't a healthy relationship.

I am also a fellow agrophobic and have been for many years. I also had a very traumatic childhood. I am married to a wonderfull supportive man and I am certainly never nasty, vicious or vindictive towards him. He is my rock and I try my best to show him how grateful I am for all that he does for me. I do feel as if I'm letting him down at times, like if his friends and their wives go out, he would like us to go out as a couple with them, but I spimply can't. He doesn't make too much of an issue about it.

I apologise If I sound harsh, but every relationship should be about respecting each other and it sounds like you deserve so much more.

[kellie]

:welcome: to NMP its lovely to have you here.
You will get lots of support/advice/reasurance and make some great friends along the way.

[coffee90]

thank you all for your support.

as i said before my fiance lives with his ex wife and she tells him every day how much she hates him and that if he is only there because of the money he brings into the household. she has stated to him that if this stops he will be thrown out onto the streets on his own, a terrifying thing for a monophobic to suffer.
she does not encourage him in any way and dislikes it when others do, which is why many people have stopped trying to help in the past, however, if she decides she wants to go out then he has no choice in the matter, the period between going out can be months and as you all know this is very unhealthy for someone in this position.
i have my hands tied in this situation as he says i am not allowed to say anything on the matter for fear of him losing his home.
but he has promised for almost 2 years now, since we were engaged , that he would leave and we would be living together and although i have a home of my own, he does not find it suitable for him, so i have found many other house to suit his needs and each time he comes up with excuses for not leaving.
i know that everyone will say i am stupid for being with him when it is obvious that he has no desire to be with me but as i am sure everyone is aware it is difficult when you love a person to walk away.

i understand i am going on a bit but i have a few years of this frustration pent up and hope that this is the way i can release it.

thanks again for all you kind words.

[sunshine-lady]

Hi Coffee

I don't think you are stupid at all, you seem a very caring sensitive lady who will do anything you can possibly do within your powers to help a man who you so clearly feel so much for.

It seems to me that your partner doesn't want or has any intentions of leaving his ex wife, maybe it's his saftey zone. Also you have to ask yourself if he treats you the way he does, is he treating his ex wife the same way? Maybe he is afraid if you spoke to his ex wife about the situation that she will tell you things he doesn't want you to hear?

He has promised you for 2 years that he will move in with you though nothing you suggest is suitable for him, then is afraid that he is going to be thrown on the streets when you have offered him several homes.

I really think you need to access your situation. You have given up everything for a man who just seems to come up with excuses and has no respect for your feelings. Please think of what this may do to your own health.

Sorry if I sound blunt, this isn't my intention.

xxxx

[Dominic1975]

When your in a relationship and love someone, its hard to see when there behaviour is not acceptable and not what you deserve.... Love confuses the issue, to what is forgiveable, based on other factors that may have happened... or when someone is using a situation to there advantage

I agree with all the above post.... when someone good comes into your life, that supports you with your condition, you repay them with kindness not verbal abuse... How many of us single suffers would love a person like you to come into their life

It would be my advise to be honest with him on the way you are feeling, advise it must not continue, explain how it makes you feel and dont listen to any excuses..... If he changes, the relationship works, if he doesnt, you have to walk away, before you become depressed

good luck

[weeble40]

Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,

Take care

Emma xxx

[coffee90]

thank you all for your advice and kind words.

however i feel i must not use this forum for my own ends as it is unfair to people who suffer from this condition and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad.

i applaud anyone living with this and wish you all well in your endeavours but my place must be elsewhere as i am not the one who suffers from this and, although today has been my worst yet with this man, and i enter my new year, alone, depressed, upset and unsure of my future, i am in no way suffering as those of you who have endured this condition for a long time.

thank you once again for all your advice and i hope you will continue to provide this excellent service to those who need it most.

i commend each and every one of you.