View Full Version : How do I cope with Dad?
I have just had dad on the phone for an hour talking to me about the split with my stepmum. He seems convinced she has left him for someone else and even though he tells a similar story to the one my stepmum told me, he doesn't see that the way he acted was in any way controlling.
I can't go into all the details here but he has said he needs me to be here for him. He said he was going to wait to tell about the split until Saturday when my brother comes down, but he is so depressed and lonely that he had to talk to someone. He said he isn't eating and has been talking about the hundreds of epilepsy tablets he has got in the house. Apparently he threatened my stepmum today that he would take them all because if she doesn't go back to him. She apparently replied that if she ever went back it wouldn't be for love.
He continually told me how depressed and devastated he is, and that he isn't bothering to look after himself and that taking all his tablets would end his suffering. I know I have said similar things myself and have felt this way, although I have never said it to him. Obviously I am upset that he is so unhappy and I wish none of this was happening, but I can't help but think of all the hurtful things he has said to me in the past just because I have suffered from depression and have been suicidal, and yet now he is telling me he is feeling that way and that he needs me to be here for him.
He also asked me to reassure him that I am "dealing with my weight "because "he has enough of his own worries to deal with at the moment without worrying about me" and then he said "and I need you to be here to help me through this". What am I supposed to say to that?
He also told me something my stepmum is supposed to have said about me and my brothers that really hurts but I am not sure who to believe now and whether he is telling me the truth.
I can see these phone calls becoming a regular occurence because he said he needs me to be there for him and he is so lonely in the house on his own. I don't want to let him down but I don't think I can take on his problems on top of all my own issues.
How do I cope with all of this?
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
hiya karen crikey sounds like you are under a bit of stress what with your dad i tkink you can be sympathetic to a degree but you cant afford to get too stressed because of it.has your dad got any friends he can talk to? my dad hasnt got a lot of friends and doesnt talk to two of my brothers so whenever i talk to him he drops a lot of his chest to me about his probs,it can be very emotionally tiring and selfish sometimes when he doesnt even ask how i am not that i am saying your dad is.
if you want to talk at all or anything then pm me dont think i have been much help but hope i have.:D
melanie
Karen - this could be a good chance for you and your Dad to become close. If he's feeling how you sometimes feel, then who better to understand him than you? :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Melanie
No dad doesn't have any friends but he does talk to one of my brothers.
I have just been having a long conversation with my brother and it seems dad is telling us both slightly different stories, so I don't know what is the truth now.
Sarah - I don't think dad and I will get closer. It seems he want me to be there for him and to spend time with him because he is feeling down and lonely, but he doesn't seem to appreciate how difficult this is going to be for me. He made it sound like he only wanted to know I am OK from a weight point of view because he needs me to be a shoulder for him to cry on.
My brother has just told me that he offered to come down and stay with him but dad told him he wasn't going to do anything silly because he thinks people who think like that are weak and it isn't him to do something like that. This is not what dad said to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Its true that Dad wiil turn to you for support and its likely that you will provide it as thats how you are. You respond to him.
What is not necessary is for you to absorb or mop up his problems and iembrace them with your own .
You are now in an informal counselling role and with that you know that your priority is to listen and help him off load and talk through and eventually decide his options. You do not need to take them all to heart even though everyone concerned is very dear to you.
You can also keep the link mainly to a phone link and not increase how much you see him much which will keep it more manageable.
It is likely that he will be experiencing the same mood swings that anyone in severe grief and rejection will go through, so its not surprising that he says one thing to you and another to his son as he knows the responses he will get will be very different.
I'm not suggesting that he is learning a language of feelings and responses to elicit sympathy but he probably feels like he can use some words with you that he cannot with his son.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Thanks Meg. You are right that I will give him what support I can. The challenge is because it is so close to home not to internalise his problems and let them bring me down further.
My brother asked me if I would call round to see Dad tomorrow but I do feel I will find it much more difficult if I do this and will be unable to get away, so I told my brother I would ring Dad tomorrow instead, and then we are both going round on Saturday. I've asked my brother to ring me when he arrives down here and I will go round then.
It is the communication problems I have with Dad that also make this so difficult. I found it so difficult to know what to say to him today, but I can find things to say that might help give support to people on a forum. I suppose it comes back to believing and expecting the negative judgement by Dad, I have absolutely no self-belief when it comes to talking with him.
I know he is hurting though. He is my Dad and I don't like to think of him suffering, but I can't shoulder all of this by myself. Dad is at a loose end now he is completely alone and despite his grief he still managed to direct questions at me as to why I wasn't answering the door yesterday and why he hadn't been able to get hold of me by phone until tonight.
My brother thankfully recognises Dad's attempts at control and even admitted himself that there is no way he could live with him - and Dad doesn't even attempt to interfere in his life or control him.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
**My brother asked me if I would call round to see Dad tomorrow but I do feel I will find it much more difficult if I do this and will be unable to get away, so I told my brother I would ring Dad tomorrow instead**
Hurrah !! Well done
Its true that you are now the one in the stronger position as you know far more about what emotional upheavals can bring than he does and he may look to you for this sort of help and sympathy.
Karen,
Maybe your dad really needs you!
Brandy
Hi Karen,
what a position to be in, i think your doing the right thing, you have enough to deal with on your own, i know it must be terrible to see him upset but he shouldnt really put it all on you, carryon the way you have talk to him on the phone, but dont let him take all your time,
I think you have handled it great well done,
take care
kairen x
Thanks Kairen.
I was planning to ring him tonight anyway, as I promised my brother that I would.
However, before I had a chance to he called me. And that is after apparently calling round to my house this morning - luckily I was fast asleep having taken a sleeping tablet, and attempting to ring me this afterwhich. I ignored the phone the first time, as I hadn't been up long and wasn't ready to speak to him.
I have this horrible feeling that this is going to be the way things are going to be from now on. He is my Dad and I don't want him to be so unhappy, so of course I want to help as much as I can. However, I cannot cope with him constantly phoning and turning up here. I have enough to deal with as it is.
I'm also upset with my brother because I told him something in confidence, which was really difficult for me to talk about in the first place, only to find out that he has told my Dad about it. It seems I can't trust anyone in my family.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
01-07-05, 23:11
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They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life -
Oliver James
--
Blue - (Agoraphobic)
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
I have to go to visit dad this afternoon and I am dreading. I know that sounds really awful, but I'm feeling so low myself that I just don't know how I can cope with seeing him, or with his problems on top of my own.
My brother and his family are coming down so at least I won't be on my own, but I am still upset that my brother betrayed my confidence and passed information onto dad that I didn't want him to know.
Just don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone today.
Plus I've already had dad on the phone a while ago, telling me that he is still feeling down and that he doesn't know how to pass the time. He has had my uncle (his brother) round to see him this morning and he'll have us visiting this afternoon. I really don't know what else I can do. I can't give him anymore than I am already. Being with him too much just increases my own problems, because he just can't resist trying to interfere in my life and try to control me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
02-07-05, 13:53
Hi Karen,
Your the most important person in your life. Your health and welfare comes before your Dad's.
I don't have a lot of contact with my parents because they would drive me nuts. I love them but don't like them. I choose this option. You have choices too.
--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
Hi Blue
I know contact with Dad makes things more difficult for me, but I just cannot cut him off, particularly when he keeps telling me how he needs me to be there for him.
Maybe I should put myself first but I just can't do it. No matter how bad I am feeling I still feel I need to do what I can to help him. Just don't know if I have the strength left to do this.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
02-07-05, 14:21
Well nobody can do it for you Karen. You asked the question remember? You are responsible for yourself, you can stop feeling bad if you choose to deal with your Dad, if you don't your always going to have this problem. We can offer support but you have to do it.
--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
It's not that simple.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
bluebottle
02-07-05, 22:10
Yes it is, you either think about yourself before your Dad or you don't. That is it in a nutshell, and you have to start learning about self preservation. Until you take responsibility for your life things won't change. Everything else can be avoided but self preservation is down to you.
--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."
I don't find it easy to put myself first and don't believe I should.
Dad is having a hard time at the moment and I think I should do what I can to help him. It's not his fault I am feeling so depressed.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Have avoided speaking to Dad today. I know he has rung a couple of times but I needed some time away from him, even if that means I am being awful for not supporting him.
Spoke to my stepmum tonight but everything is so awkward now. I have to watch what I say to each of them and I feel caught in the middle.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
I have another dilemma and I don't know how to handle it.
My stepmum rang today and I am going to meet her for a couple of hours this evening. We are meeting somewhere neutral, because understandly she doesn't want to come here as it is too close to Dad.
Dad is coming round shortly, as he wants me to deal with some stuff on the Internet for him.
The problem is whether to mention that I am seeing my stepmum tonight, as he is bound to ask me if I have heard from her. I don't think it should be a secret, but if I tell him I am seeing her he will try to persuade me to get information from her (which I am not going to do) and he is also bound to ring me later to try to pump me for information.
Don't know what to do.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
If he specifically asks, then I would tell him that you are meeting her. If he then asks you details after your meeting, just tell him that you didn't discuss the split but merely stuck to everyday "small talk".
Kate x
Thanks Kate.
He has been and gone now. He did ask if I've heard from her so I had to admit that I had, and like I thought, he wanted to know what she had said and where she is living.
So I'm afraid I had to lie and say that we hadn't talked about this and I had only spoken to her briefly - which is true. I didn't tell him about tonight because it wouldn't surprise me if he turned up where we are meeting. In fact he might even follow me there and wait so he can follow her home. It might sound far-fetched, but it is the kind of thing he has done in the past.
I think he has plans for me going round there at the weekend and I'm trying to get out of it. I told him I will probably be busy. I've been speaking to him every day on the phone and have already seen him today and feel that's enough for one week. I don't think I can cope with anymore than this, particularly at the moment.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
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