I cant go there and feel sad and guilty!

[Chelle1]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really sorry for myself tonight, We (me and my partner) dropped the kids off earlier so that we could go and celebrate new years eve together on our own. We were supposed to be going to a friends party, She lives in a flat on the 10th floor of a tower block.

I was fine all day and was looking froward to it I have been agoraphobic for a few months (im not house bound - i can go out to shops with my partner or mom and i manage to get the children to school and have been getting better the last month - going to the local shop alone). We got there at about 8.30 and when i got outside suddenly realised (all in 2 seconds) that i had to go in a lift for 9 floors and walk the top flight of stairs to the flat, then when in the flat if i panicked i would have to get out and couldnt just walk out the back door or something for a minute. then i imagined if i panicked that much and felt i couldnt get out fast i would jump off the balcony - which meant i would die. I burst out crying and told my partner i couldnt do it, i felt really stupid, my partner just sort of huffed and asked why then said he couldnt be bothered with this tonight and said we would go home. I didnt argue and so we have come home, i feel really stupid and that i have failed myself and spoilt my partners night (and his life) and then i start to think he will leave me for someone who isnt so stupid! I know he loves me, he tells me everyday and he accepts that im agoraphobic but he doesnt understand and i know it annoys him he says it doesnt but i know it does. I feel like i just wreck everything, and feels useless.

As i said i am feeling really sorry for myself right now and will be staying in to see the new year now with a boyfriend i have made miserable. I said he could go and meet his mates but he wont leave me, I feel so guilty.

I hate panic disorder and probably shouldnt say it but i would probably have more of a life and get about easier and have more understanding if i had 1 leg missing or something.

Anyway, Happy New Year

Hope you all feel well in 2009!

[coffee90]

Hi

Don't feel bad.
I'm the partner of an agoraphobic and yes i am sure at times your boyfriend does feel frustrated but he loves you and will stand by you no matter what.
We often take out our anger on those closest to us and although it hurts we do it because we love and trust that person enough to.

I understand you saying it would be better if you had something that people could physically see, my partner feels like that all the time, it makes him feel like no one believes he has anything wrong.

Your partner loves you and understands you and you should never feel guilty that you have this condition as he will be well aware that you would do the same for him.

Good to see you are getting out a bit and hope it keeps up, one day at a time and always remember that every achievement, no matter how small is an achievement to be proud of.

Good luck

xx

[Chelle1]

Thanks for the kind words,

I feel lucky to have my partner, hes so good really, (that makes me worry more about losing him). Seems as though youre good to your partner too. It must be quite challenging for you sometimes.

I try to be proud of myself for small personal achievments but it is so hard when the rest of the world just do these things so naturally and easily, it doesnt seem like something to be proud of, just "normal" things that "normal" people do all the time.

I think i need to work on being more positive. I read back my threads and its all so negative.

Thanks

Best wishes to you and your partner,

xx