View Full Version : Please Help! Worrying myself sick about horrible thoughts.. Going insane
I have no idea what's wrong with me at the moment. I'm having really horrible thoughts and I feel like I've gone insane!! Over the last two months I've been worrying myself to the absolute brink about some health scares I had. I had a swollen testicle back near the end of Oct. and got it seen and it was just a cyst, but it put an unbelievable amount of stress on me. I think partly because it had been there for months but I just never got it looked at because I was just too afraid to face the truth, I know it sounds stupid. It felt like months and months of anxiety and stress built up all coming out at once. That, coupled with the fact I had an irritated bowel and a lump on the back of my head (both which have turned out to be non-serious) I was just worrying myself absolutely sick. I went into the doctors so many times, and it became hard to live life normally.
I got really depressed and now all of a sudden I feel like I've gone legitimetly insane!! I feel like I can deal with life like normal on the surface, like I've just been around my friends house but left because I started to panic. But underneath I feel like i'm actually going bonkers! I went to my doctor the morning after it just felt like something snapped in my head and she said she'd get me a councellor if I wanted.
What the worst bit is though, is that I have really really dark horrible thoughts in my head and I can't get them to go away!! I have no idea where this has come from. I can imagine me harming other people like my parents who I love deerly or my friends who I think are great friends, and I don't know why! I actually feel like I'm losing my sanity as a result, and I just want life to go back to normal. This isn't like me at all. I used to be really happy and I felt perfectly sane. All I want is for life to go back to normal when I didn't think such horrible thoughts. I can't help it because my mind thinks about it JUST because it's such horrible things to think. It's like it's the worst thing I can ever imagine myself doing so then in my head I here 'maybe you should do it then' even though THAT'S NOT ME. I don't know what's going on I rang the Samaritans and talked to them about it. It made me feel a bit better but I'm so scared that I might do something even though it's not like me at all and I know it's horrible!
Can anyone please help, I feel like I'm actually going insane, I think I'll get that councellor.
Hi there - sorry you're feeling so awful.
For a start, you haven't gone insane. People who are 'insane' are totally unaware of it - they think their thoughts are completely normal. It sounds to me like you are in a state of high anxiety, and it has been building up over the months while you had the lump. A lot of anxiety sufferers feel the same way as you - that they are carrying on with life, but underneath feel like they are losing the plot. But you won't lose the plot.
Anxiety has unpleasant physical symptoms - and possibly accounts for the irritable bowel you had when you had the lump. Anxiety also sends our thoughts racing, making us believe we are going out of our minds - you feel 'on the edge'. Anxiety can also make some people think dark thoughts, like the ones you mentioned. I haven't experienced this, but if you take a look at the OCD section on this site I'm think it mentions them there. You won't act on these thoughts - they are just a result of the anxiety.
If I were you, I would be tempted to go back to the GP and say you need help in the meantime, before you see the counsellor. He may be able to give you a small amount of valium for the time being, which would lessen the anxiety, and hence the racing thoughts.
In the meantime, try to practise deep breathing, as we have a tendency to breathe too fast when anxious. And try distraction when you get the racing thoughts, turn on the TV and engross yourself in it, read a book, count backwards from 300 - anything to take your mind off it.
I hope you start to feel better - remember this is anxiety, you are not insane!
Dahlia
Hi Crella,
These dark thoughts are incredibly normal with long periods of stress and high anxiety. The anxiety about the thoughts leads to more dark thoughts and more anxiety. It's a horrible cycle to go through when you don't know what's happening to you.
I've had them very bad in the past, the worst things my mind could conjour up would just pop themselves into my already worried brain and would, quite literally, bring me to my knees.
The content of these thoughts means nothing, no matter how real they feel. Mine have almost completely gone now, when I do get one (probably by habit) I don't worry about it and it quietly goes on it's own.
It's so very hard to do initially but you need to let the thoughts just be there in your head. Don't react to them with fear and don't think about WHY you thought them in the first place. There was no reason other than anxiety.
You will be fine :)
x
Thank-you guys so much for the replies. It's very comforting to know there are people helping me. I'm starting to get over it a bit now by just ignoring the thoughts when they appear like you suggested. I just try to take my mind off it or think to myself 'it's just a thought' and it seems like it might gradually be slipping away.
I might talk to my GP about the medication although I'm not sure about stuff like that. Thanks for the replies though it means a lot!!
:) hi glad to hear your feeling a bit better after the great advice you were given - just to add that i got alot of help from going to ocduk - ive had these thoughts a couple of times in my life and they have reared their ugly head again for me due to a severe amount of stress in my relationship with my husband - and i have been really distressed by them again, so i felt alot better when i went to that site and saw their was reason i was having them.
Thank-you guys so much for the replies. It's very comforting to know there are people helping me. I'm starting to get over it a bit now by just ignoring the thoughts when they appear like you suggested. I just try to take my mind off it or think to myself 'it's just a thought' and it seems like it might gradually be slipping away.
I might talk to my GP about the medication although I'm not sure about stuff like that. Thanks for the replies though it means a lot!!
Sorry you are feeling so bad ..:weep:
but why not sure about the medication .. you are suffering from Anxiety so just admit it and start treating it ..the members gave you such a great advices.. but you can NOT just Claim that those thoughts do not exist and just keep ignoring them .. yeah dont feel guilt for having them but i dont believe it would work out "just to ignore them" well at least not without the medications you need..
i'm on citalpram for depresstion and on "vaben" for Anxiety :yesyes: :hugs: .. it's ok ..you are not alone
:) you can get better without medication if you have a phobia of them becasue youve had bed experiences on them - alot of ppl havwe had bad reactions to meds when they were getting anxious and it has created alot of problems around taking ANY medication not just ones to help with the anxiety.
it is possible to manually shift your brain out of these thoughts - they are not to be ignored or brushed under the carpet in an atempt to make them 'go away' as many of us know this seems to only mkae them worse. however by reminding ourselves that these thoughts are the result of a problem in the brain, and then redirecting your behaviour to doing something that takes your mind up, you can actually change your brain chemistry - but it takes considerable effort and patience - all is not lost because you wont take medication.
trismantis
21-01-09, 15:06
Hi Crella,
I don't normally write on forums - I'm normally just a watcher, if you like!
Anyway your message prompted me to reply.
It seems from your experiences that we suffer very similar problems. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have been terrified by the irrational insane thoughts in my head of hurting me/others that I care about etc. In the end I went to see a counsellor and expected him to turn around and section me!!!
It was the best decision I ever took. Although my anxiety/dark thoughts are not completely gone, I now feel as though I can rationalise things and think much clearer.
It really starts with accepting that there are build up stages for what you are suffering. I think it really starts with either repressed thoughts/ideas, stress, anger or depression. This then builds up and gives the start of anxiety - a warning from your body that something isn't right, your body is not happy with the way you are dealing with it and you need to change your ways!!!
Now this is where it all starts to go wrong. If like me you are someone who likes to turn away from confrontation or problems then you will start to create problems to associate to the anxiety.
It's now time for the vicious circle.....dark thoughts create anxiety, anxiety creates dark thoughts....
Knowing that other people suffer with what you do is the 1st part of coming to terms with it - making it feel in some way normal - which it is. It's amazing how many people have dark thoughts but do not make the big deal and fuss out of them that anxiety sufferers do. I remember a friend quite blatantly telling me that she had to walk away from the edge of a tube train platform because she had the thought she would push someone off!!! Not that she would of course, but it worried her. If I had thought that - it would have dominated my thoughts and become a fear.
The next stage is to distract your mind - find a hobby, interest or learn a new skill. Sounds like a cop out but fixating on a plan really helps.
Once you know that you can beat it and that nothing ever really happens (as you are not mad) you start to level out.
My counsellor is now one of my closest friends and regardless to the terrifying thoughts and anxiety I was suffering he new straight away that it was relatively normal.
I hope this helps and i'm not just waffling.
Oh and another trick is to do something that is actually genuinely scary/exciting - that normally puts it into perspective...(theme park ride/shark diving/rock climbing/sky diving etc)
Good luck
TM
trismantis that is without doubt one of the most eloquent and well thought out postings I have read on these forums. I completely relate and agree with your assessment and approach.
Several years ago I was in a high state of anxiety and had unpleasant dark thoughts - what I realise now looking back is that at the time I had a huge amount going on in life, family, work, moving etc. A lot of stress.
From the perpsective of those closest to me I appeared to be ok because I was bottling it all up and not sharing my stresses. I think this was the real cause of the rise in anxiety/thoughts - the mind has to deal with it in some way.
Things are so much better now because after a little CBT I have learnt to rationlise and accept that the odd random thought is just that and nothing else.
I am still a worrier and get caught up in the detail but on a much more "human" level.
Crella I hope you start to feel better - can I suggest you take a look at a CBT book from the library? I think it would really help and there are no drugs involved.
trismantis
23-01-09, 13:42
Hi Macdan,
Thank you for your kind words. It's kind of easy to write about something which completely dominated my life.
Sorry for the stupid question but out of interest what is CBT? I thought it was the provisional motorcycle test :whistles:
Also I was thinking the other day (in one of my worry moments) that the major problem with anxiety is that due to the very nature of self examination and obsession with an issue, you tend to believe that you have every problem. I used to go on and on to my counsellor about schizophrenia, insanity, paranoia, tourettes!! etc... (it's amazing what a worried mind can come up with - if only I could channel it into something creative like a novel, i'd be churning them out :huh: ) in the end he used to roll his eyes and tell me it was the anxiety finding it's voice.
When you are going through whatever it is you are going through - try and remind yourself that deep down it's just the anxiety...which on it's own is easier (not easy!) to deal with.
Sorry for another long post...it's really refreshing to be able to talk about stuff like this.... what a great forum...
TM
Hello again.
Yes, spot on! the tendancy to obsess means it's very easy to scare yourself on possible ailments. I recommend staying away from NHSDirect online :-)))
You said:
"When you are going through whatever it is you are going through - try and remind yourself that deep down it's just the anxiety"
This is exactly what the CBT therapist said to me when I finished my last session - it's potent advice because it is so uplifting and refreshing if you have an anxious moment and can then tell yourself that actually everything is fine.
CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it's about rationalising your thoughts - questioning your beliefs and then trying to change the way you "think" with problems/thoughts. From what you say, and your approach, it sounds like your counsellor may have done a bit with you already.
I had some really interesting sessions where I would tell them what worrying thought I was thinking and they would dig down in to the ideas and beliefs behind it. So every time I said I'm worried because X might happen - they'd come back with "why are you worried about X happening" and I'd say because "Y might happen" and so on - kind of getting to the root of things.
In nearly every instance the root worry was completely dissproportionate and catastrophic - totally irrational. You then think how the hell did I get from "a leaking pipe" to "losing my home and being made destitute" (for example). I'm extremely embarrased to have to admit that was a real thought process I had at the time.
I'd heartily recommend CBT and I actually think you can learn a lot yourself if you found the right book/online course perhaps.
I think a lot of what seems to be working for me is accepting that I am a worrier. I don't think that's ever going to change but what is changing is how I react to worry. You always have a choice in the way you react to things.
Nice to talk to you.
Hi Everyone
Don't panic, your thoughts are just a symptom. I like to think "they are just thoughts, not instructions!" and also if I think something bad like "I could step out in front of a car" I then think to myself "yes, I could, but I won't". That way you accept it and ignore it as just a thought, it takes the fear away and that is the key for me- it doesn't work first time, or second time but soon you realise you aren't as scared then they stop. You break the cycle.
I come back to this site from time to time, being an axiety sufferer for a good few years. It is so calming to see that what I am going through is just caused by my anxiety as you need reminding that you are not going mad.
In October I moved 200 miles from my family and friends for a job after getting my PhD. So, new job, new city, living alone and missing people has been stressful and my anxiety is coming back and in the last few weeks since christmas I have started having dark thoughts again which terrify me and as it's been a while since I last had them it is harder to deal with them. I have found a local councellor to talk through it.
Don't be mistaken that I can't be too bad a sufferer because I have done so many new things. I hope that I can be proof that anxiety, thoughts and panic attacks can be dealth with. I know I will always be susceptible to them though- hence why i'm back here!
I had CBT last Spring and it changed my life so I would say go for it. I consider my current councelling as a "top up" to help me remember that I can deal with this.
Also exercise really works, I HATE running but a 10 minute run every other day works wonders, it boosts your mood.
Don't despair, and don't be scared to talk through options with your GP, just knowing what is available gives you strength- I took 10mg citalopram on two separate occasions, it was a very hard and frightening decision but it worked well for me.
Sarah x
:) hi all, id like to just add here that mindfullness cbt is very very good at helping us to 'accept' ALL of our thoughts without trying to rid ourselves of them - however it also teaches us which thoughts to beleive and which to ignore - we learn to 'watch' the activity in our minds wihtout becoming overly involved with it - for me it was the extra 'something' i needed to really get me functioning - please look it up and give it a go? john kabat zinn is a great place to start, and for me it is better than cbt, which although brilliant in itself i found it was just lacking something - and mindfullness was that something:yesyes:
trismantis
26-01-09, 16:40
Hello again.
Yes, spot on! the tendancy to obsess means it's very easy to scare yourself on possible ailments. I recommend staying away from NHSDirect online :-)))
You said:
"When you are going through whatever it is you are going through - try and remind yourself that deep down it's just the anxiety"
This is exactly what the CBT therapist said to me when I finished my last session - it's potent advice because it is so uplifting and refreshing if you have an anxious moment and can then tell yourself that actually everything is fine.
CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it's about rationalising your thoughts - questioning your beliefs and then trying to change the way you "think" with problems/thoughts. From what you say, and your approach, it sounds like your counsellor may have done a bit with you already.
I had some really interesting sessions where I would tell them what worrying thought I was thinking and they would dig down in to the ideas and beliefs behind it. So every time I said I'm worried because X might happen - they'd come back with "why are you worried about X happening" and I'd say because "Y might happen" and so on - kind of getting to the root of things.
In nearly every instance the root worry was completely dissproportionate and catastrophic - totally irrational. You then think how the hell did I get from "a leaking pipe" to "losing my home and being made destitute" (for example). I'm extremely embarrased to have to admit that was a real thought process I had at the time.
I'd heartily recommend CBT and I actually think you can learn a lot yourself if you found the right book/online course perhaps.
I think a lot of what seems to be working for me is accepting that I am a worrier. I don't think that's ever going to change but what is changing is how I react to worry. You always have a choice in the way you react to things.
Nice to talk to you.
Ah ha I am with you now.
Yes, CBT appears to have been his approach.
We did lots of visualisation work (most of it deeply uncomfortable for one reason or another), looking at dreams, thoughts etc.
Also lots of 'gut' work, which I could never get the hang of, whereby my counsellor would ask for my gut reaction to a question - normally quick fire...for some reason I couldn't just let go and answer, I would always check myself - perhaps that is part of the anxiety = a fear of loosing control.
I would be interested to know if anyone else has done this?
TM
HI. You have had some great advice. Just want to add my support. You can overcome this. Read as much as you can about anxiety and how our minds cope with it and create it. Knowledge makes you powerful and helps you towards recovery. Read the intro. article for the no more panic site. It's really good. I read it whenever I start thinkinking irrational thoughts and it helps me to deal positively with the fear. Hope you feel better. Astrolabe
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