Ellen
02-01-09, 05:51
Hi. I am Becki, I'm hitting rock bottom here so you will have to look past that. I am in my early 30's, which suddenly is making me realize that I am getting older. I don't think you want to hear about my life, or about me really. I can make it sound really nice when I need to. I have a 9 year old son who is an honor student in 4th grade. I have a Mom that loves me and a Dad who thinks he does. I had to go on disability in 2002 because of Schizoaffective disorder. My son has lived with his father since he was 6 months old. His dad remarried to the most wonderful person in the world, and she and he had 2 other boys, so my son has a wonderful family over there and at my house, where he bounces back and forth. But that is where the good part stops. And for some reason I feel like I need to tell you the bad part because I can't stop crying until I do.
Right before My son's father Nick and I got married I started becoming manic. I didn't know what that meant, I just did what my mind told me to do. I ran up credit card bills, cell phone bills, and slept with several of his co-workers. We got married and everything was goin to be alright because I though I could be forgiven somehow by god. The wedding was perfect. We married in the same church my parents did, Drove away in this old caddy limo that the "boys" had been fixing up since they were old enough to drive. wore the dress his aunt hand made for me. We were so in love, it couldn't have gotten any better. And the manic phases kept coming. I'd clean the house, the cars, I felt like I could do it all! The depression hadn't come yet. We had been married in May, I got pregnant in September. And the affair continued. Then one night I told my husband that I was seeing someone else and I wanted a divorce. And he grabbed some things and went and stayed with his mother. And that was the most painful day of my life. I still loved him so much, He didn't have a clue that i was cheating on him.
And I had no reason to. If I had only known then what I know now, I would still married to the man of my dreams. Instead I have to talk to him through his new wife. And when i want to have my son over and I have to ask his Stepmother if they have plans first. Someone else is raising my child and I have no say in it. I see him as much as possible, and i talk to his father a lot about the way "WE" had planned on raising him before he got here.
But since I turned 24 it's all gone downhill. Fast. The divorce, losing Michael, Losing my jobs, not being able to make it on my own (I live with my parents out of necessity-not because it's cool)I don't date--would you date someone after you found out the have a mental illness and sometimes hear voices that in the past have persuaded them to do things? I don't have any friends, probably becaue I can't drive(I have epilepsy and had a seizure and totalled my Jeep Wrangler last year) I've lost 54 pounds this past year and I'm running the Indianapolis 500 mini-marathon this May, though. Guys don't wait to hear the good stuff though---they are out the door at "mental illness".
I'm just lonely and depressed and p****d off. And I want to feel better but just wanted to doesn't make it happen. If it did, by God I would be the happiest person on the face of this planet.
I just have this horrible feeling of guilt everywhere I go. Like I have done something terrible to humanity and they just don't know it yet. I know I haven't. But I think guilt is worse that depression. At least with depression you can cry. With guilt you cry and when you stop it's still there, strong as ever.
Sorry.
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Right before My son's father Nick and I got married I started becoming manic. I didn't know what that meant, I just did what my mind told me to do. I ran up credit card bills, cell phone bills, and slept with several of his co-workers. We got married and everything was goin to be alright because I though I could be forgiven somehow by god. The wedding was perfect. We married in the same church my parents did, Drove away in this old caddy limo that the "boys" had been fixing up since they were old enough to drive. wore the dress his aunt hand made for me. We were so in love, it couldn't have gotten any better. And the manic phases kept coming. I'd clean the house, the cars, I felt like I could do it all! The depression hadn't come yet. We had been married in May, I got pregnant in September. And the affair continued. Then one night I told my husband that I was seeing someone else and I wanted a divorce. And he grabbed some things and went and stayed with his mother. And that was the most painful day of my life. I still loved him so much, He didn't have a clue that i was cheating on him.
And I had no reason to. If I had only known then what I know now, I would still married to the man of my dreams. Instead I have to talk to him through his new wife. And when i want to have my son over and I have to ask his Stepmother if they have plans first. Someone else is raising my child and I have no say in it. I see him as much as possible, and i talk to his father a lot about the way "WE" had planned on raising him before he got here.
But since I turned 24 it's all gone downhill. Fast. The divorce, losing Michael, Losing my jobs, not being able to make it on my own (I live with my parents out of necessity-not because it's cool)I don't date--would you date someone after you found out the have a mental illness and sometimes hear voices that in the past have persuaded them to do things? I don't have any friends, probably becaue I can't drive(I have epilepsy and had a seizure and totalled my Jeep Wrangler last year) I've lost 54 pounds this past year and I'm running the Indianapolis 500 mini-marathon this May, though. Guys don't wait to hear the good stuff though---they are out the door at "mental illness".
I'm just lonely and depressed and p****d off. And I want to feel better but just wanted to doesn't make it happen. If it did, by God I would be the happiest person on the face of this planet.
I just have this horrible feeling of guilt everywhere I go. Like I have done something terrible to humanity and they just don't know it yet. I know I haven't. But I think guilt is worse that depression. At least with depression you can cry. With guilt you cry and when you stop it's still there, strong as ever.
Sorry.
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