View Full Version : Pregnant emmetophobic really needs help!!!!!
Hi
Here I am again posting about the same thing, so sorry in advance but I am really struggling with this. Sorry for the long post, but please read it cos I need your help.
I am about 5 and a half weeks pregnant and suffering from a crippling fear of being sick. It is overwhelming me so much that I can't think of anything else. I was doing ok, despite worrying about norovirus, until Christmas Day when I found out I was pregnant. Now I am obssessed with the fear of morning sickness. Counting the days wondering when it will start etc etc.
I am so scared that even though this is a planned pregnancy I have told my husband I don't want to have the baby. I said that I wished this had never happened. Then I felt really guilty, but the feeling of not wanting to be pregnant just won't leave me. I feel fed up, not at all the happy image you see on TV etc. My friend said I should be glowing, but I am living every second in fear.
I had a really bad day on New Years Day, I told my husband I wanted to have a termination, he said if I did that then he would leave me and would never come back. He called me a murderer, I was distaught. He said he would tell all my family that I had killed our baby and that they would hate me forever. I was angry, I said it was my body and my right to tell my family what I wanted not his. I felt so trapped in a situation I didn't want to be iin and I didn't know how to get out of it so I told my husband I would kill myself rather than have this baby. I drove off in my car along the coast. When I looked in my mirror I saw he was following me. I put my foot down and rang him saying if youd don't back off I'm taking this over the cliff!!! I couldn't believe how I was behaving, it was like I was a woman possessed.
My behaviour was totally out of character, well I was like that about 10 years ago when I was at my worst. I feel so bad about saying the things I have said but I really do mean some of it. I don't want to be pregnant. I want my life back. After suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for so long, twenty years, in the last year I have finally started to recognise that they aren't dangerous etc. They haven't gone away by any means but I have been coping really well. And now I feel like a complete mess.
After me crying hysterically, having tantrums etc etc on New Years Day my hubby told me that he was very nearly involved in a serious crash on the A1 last Monday. He hadn't told me cos I had had a miscarriage 3 years ago and he didn't want to worry me. He said that we only have one life and he really wants this baby etc etc. It calmed me down for a while and I do understand what he means, and I think he is right. But I still can't get the feeling out of my head. The feeling of fear and that I don't want to be pregnant.....I just want to be me again. Not live every day wondering if I'm gonna be sick or if things are gonna go wrong etc etc. I don't know what to do any more, I am really desparate. Please, please help.
:hugs: hi andrea, alot of what you are feeling is due to pregancy hormones - beleive me some women do go a little crazy in pregnancy - its normal and will settle down. you are still adjusting to being pregnant and your anxiety about being sick has soared so you are now feeling that you dont want the baby - htink about it rationally this is not so, what you want is to not feel anxious and crazy? well you can have that by talking yourself round - you dont have to beleive all the crap your mind is telling you - you cant stop the crazy thoughts but you dont have to beleive them. pregnancy is not a good time for alot of women - go to emmas diary and have a look at the panic attacks section - you will see you are not alone in freaking out, and these women arent members of nmp!
also in my experience morning sickness begins 2 weeks after finding out im pregnant and lasts roughly 6 weeks - i am never sick, but i feel 'ill' which although tiring isnt the end of the world - you just have to look after yourself more during this time - eat well and rest. but i think despite your fears you arent going to suffer with it now as it seems too late?
also i felt exactly th esame as you in the summer, i was pregnant, things were going bad between me and my husband, i was suffering pains right from the beginning, and then i had a missed miscarriage. i havent had a very nice time of it since - i have been very often scared about my health, i have been desperately sad, confused, because like you when it started to go wrong i spent the next 3 weeks wanting to get rid of the pregnancy becasue it was making me feel so bad (it had died but it wouldnt come out, but it coulndt be removed as they had to give it a couple of weeks to see if it got a heart beat - i knew it wouldnt but legally thye couldnt remove it for an extra week as something had changed in the sac! - i was distraught, but not at not having a baby, at the fact i wanted to ge tback to normal and feel well) and i have greived for that pregancy alot over the last couple of months, especially as a very old freind is having her first within a month thqa ti would have had mine:weep:
i know you feel bad, but the alternative isnt great either? you can get through this and have your baby, you can talk to your gp and tell them how you are feeling, and you can lean on all the mums on here.
i have one child and for that i am so grateful, because i can only imagine the pain that women who feel like this go through when they havent been able to have a child, especially if its due to anxiety - please dont let it change your mind, dont let it win - these thoughts are thoughts they are not the truth - th etruth is you want a baby anf you have support - your partner wanting a baby also is very important, as he could be the opposite and that wouldnt be good at all - if he wants it he will support you to have it. try to calm down and stay in the day rather than going into the future - you can do this!, take care, emma :hugs:
Thanks Emma
I feel like I am the only woman in the world who has'nt done sommersaults when she's found out she's pregnant. I can't believe how down I am about the situation. I too had a missed miscarriage three years ago, so I know how hard it is to come to terms with it. At the time it happened to me I didn't feel sad about the baby, I just worried about my health and getting it out of me. I felt sad about the baby later on, my cousin had a baby a year to the day after my due date. I was devastated, but had to be happy for her of course.
You make my behaviour sound normal- ish, thank you. I feel like I am losing my mind. People keep saying to me, it's not an illness, you are pregnant, you wouldn't have got preganant if you weren't healthy. It is no comfort to me, it just makes me feel like a failure cos I don't feel the way people think I should.
I am seeing a counsellor once a week, it started last week. So hopefully that will help.
I am meant to return to work tomorrow, and I don't want to go back, in case I'm sick at work. The thought of that terrifies me, but I know if I lock myself up at home my anxiety will get worse. There's no happy medium for me at the moment. I just feel terrified all the time.
Thank you so much for your reply and I am so sorry for your loss.
:hugs: dear andrea, thankyou for your sympathy for me - that means alot to me:hugs: because no-one understands unless theyve been there - mine was exactly the same as yours - i was obsessed with my own health, not with losing the pregnancy- now im very sad, like you were.
getting back to you - you sound okay really - if you know what youve got to do you will be okay - knowing that you have to go through it and that staying at home wont help matters is good - it proves you have a good handle on the anxiety.
you cant help being scared of being sick, but you can maintain your normal life despite the fear - and then the fear subsides and you will feel yourself levelling out - it will be okay:yesyes: start to think about the positves instead of the negatives - and dont listen to ppl - they are well meaning but they dont understand because they havent experienced a crippling anxiety disorder or phobia if they had they would feel exactly the same - keep talking to ppl on here and you will be okay, talk to the ppl who understand, becasue you cannot make the ppl in your life understand who havent experienced it, take care emma:hugs:
Im 33 and found out in September i was 4 weeks pregnant. It wasnt planned as i have severe health anxiety, along with general anxiety and panic attacks. Doctors and hospitals scare the life out of me and i cant handle any type of pain. This is the only reason i have never got pregnant before. My anxiety hit the roof and beyond from the day i found out. I would shake so much all day long, and even trying to sleep was a nightmare as my bed would literally rock with my shaking. I was convinced i would die giving birth, mainly my thought was that my heart would give out. I told my midwife my fears and all she did was laugh and say "your gonna be hard work":ohmy:
Walking around baby shops and buying clothes, i felt like i was dreaming. I was in such a foul mood all the time wishing this wasnt happening and wanting my life to go back to normal. I told my doctor i could quite easily kill anyone who walks in my path.
I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, and even though i feel absolutely terrible at saying im not bothered, a part of me is also saddened at losing my baby and im finding myself looking forward to being pregnant again one day.
So even though i have no fear of being sick, i know how your feeling. I too thought i was the only woman who wasnt overjoyed at being pregnant and the thoughts i was feeling truely made me feel guilty.
AntiLove_SuperStar
05-01-09, 00:10
You have the complete right to "back out of being pregnant" and don't let any man on earth (or woman!) tell you otherwise. I was truly shocked when I read of your husband's threat to tell everyone you were a murderer..I mean what the HECK??
Do you want to be with a guy like that? If you accidentally got pregnant at some time in the future, he'll make you have it? Wow. This says loads about your husband.
please please please don't have a baby if you don't want to. Both you and the baby will suffer. Promise you.
Hi
Thank you for your replies, it means alot.
AntiLove_Superstar: I understand what you are saying and completely agree with you that it is a woman's right to choose. But my husband really is a wonderful man, this baby was planned by both of us. I just suffer crippling fears of being sick and being pregnant and my anxiety makes me think that I don't want a baby. If a stork delivered this baby to my front door I would love it so much. What I don't love is the idea or feeling of being pregnant.
After the last miscarriage we spent a whole year going through the adoption process (not an easy one) as we really wanted kids but I was far too scared to get pregnant. For various reasons it wasn't for us and we stopped the process. But our desire to have kids didn't go away.
My husband was wrong to call me a murderer, he has since apologised, but he was desparate for me not to terminate this baby. He really wants it, and he knows I do too. To be honest I wonder if I really do, but I am very hormonal and can't stop crying. All I want right now is to feel like myself again, not some out of control wild woman. But I think the relief at no longer being pregnant would be very short lived.
Saying that though doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with, I am really struggling. But I am 35 and have wanted a baby for years. I know that time id not on my side. I waited 3 years after having the miscarriage before getting pregnant again but the fears have not decreased. So what else can I do? Accept that I am going to be childless or put myself through this hell????
I'm really messed up.
can you start on the anti sickness stuff before it starts? might be a plan!
boys make you more crazy than girls for some reason.
Just a tid bit, I had HG and many if not ALL think they want the baby gone or to top themselves at some point. I think hormones have alot to play in it and no one wants to be sick.
Often though most women only throw up a few times and not for long :bighug1:
Hi Andie - believe me not every woman does cartwheels when they find out they are pregnant. I am ashamed to say I cried for 2 weeks when I found out when I was pregnant with our first child ( and I wasn't suffering from anxiety then) whilst my partner was going around beaming.
As Emma has brilliantly stated hormones at this stage in pregnancy do make you behave in a manner that is alien to your usual behaviour. This hell does not go on forever.... and you can get help.
forgive me for speaking out of turn but having read this post it does sound to me that you do really want to have a baby. Is some of the fear related to you having a miscarriage previously and the anguish from that bringing dread to this pregnancy?
Is it just the fear of morning sickness or are other things contributing to you being so scared? The morning sickness does not affect everyone and not many people are actually sick with it - it is often just a feeling of nausea. And there's medication for it if you need it. It only lasts a few weeks for the majority of those who have to suffer it anyway. You can get through that cos' we'll help you.
Please speak to your GP or get referred to a midwife who can help you with this. You are not the first and they will have seen it before.
Lots of hugs xxxx
:hugs:dear andrea and all, this subject is so close to my heart at the moment - i am grateful to you fro bringing it up so we can all talk about our fears and try to help you through as best we can?
im 36 - so i feel like alot of you that time is running out - but i do have a daughter, and despite all ive been through since i had her, i would not change a thing, because then i wouldnt have her. im sooooo sorry for you that you are experiencing this anxiety while being pregnant - for me with my daughter 10 years ago i was worried but i wasnt suffering a phobia or anxiety disorder like i am now:weep: so i did have relatively nice time - just 6 weeks feeling yuk/nauseous then pretty much perfect pregnancy/birth after that.
so i have had the privaledge of having this experience - what i want to say is dont let anxiety rob you of this precious gift if you actually wanted it - try to distinguish between normal fears like the other guys have said - most women do doubt they want the baby anyway at some point - and those that you had anyway due to your anxiety disorder/phobia?
for me for now i am letting go of the idea of having another one because me and hubby are going for counselling and money is very very tight - we had our chance when we got on better and he had a good job - advancing maternal age, and other factors do have to be taken into consideration when you are deciding to try.
to defend your husband - it is his baby too, like you have already said, i suspect the person who defended your right to abort has had a very nasty experience themselves that they havent been able to come to terms with?
if he wants this baby soooo bad then he will have to support you - however i beleive he has to support you to get strong, not to remain a prisoner in your own head becasue you fear being sick - obviously you know this fear is irrational and needs to be addressed if it is ruining your life to this extent? you cannot ever gat away from the psossibilty of sickness - yo must address this fear head on - beat it and enjoy your life with you husband and your own family - alot of us have let anxiety disorders ruin our lives but it is never too late to take back control!!!!:hugs:
redballoons
05-01-09, 13:47
hi
I have two children and I am 33 weeks pregnant with my third, each one was planned and very much wanted but like you i do not like being pregnant at all. This doesnt mean that you dont WANT the baby or that you wont love it just that you dont wnat the side effects of pregnancy which in my mind is a reasonable way to feel!.
there is no garuntee you will get sick, many women do not get sick or feel sick but dont actually throw up. when I was pregnant with my first I had very bad sickness and I used to cry eveytime I threw up because I hated it so much.In alot of ways though pregnancy sickness was very different than sickness you have at other times for me because i knew WHY I was being sick and through being pregnant I realised that my fear wasnt of being sick it was of being ill if that makes sense?
I am sorry your husband reacted how he did BUT I wouldnt be too hard on him after all he cant possibly understand your fear of sickness it probably seems pretty trivial to him and if you look at it from his point of view you have both planned a child together and now for a reason he cant understand you seem to have changed your mind and are saying you want to kill it. If the situation were reversed and he were the one saying he couldnt go through with it for a reason like a phobia people would be up in arms saying how disgusting it was!
Im not saying you were wrong to say it just that he must be feelign very confused abotu all this as well!
good luck!
sophie
Hi Thanks for your replies.
Boos Mum: thanks it is good to hear that all women feel like this at some point.
Emmas: You are right about my husband. He is very supportive of me and does give me strength. I am sorry that you feel you will not have another child but happy that you have your daughter
Samc100: thank you so much, you have been so honest about something that still affects you. I really appreciate it.
Redballoons: You are so right about thinking of my husband, and I do. I love him so much I hate to think that I am hurting him. But when you suffer from a really deep seated phobia it is impossible to think of anything else when you are in it's grip. It isn't that I am not a caring person, I am, and talking about termination really hurts me too. It is not in my character to hurt anything. It upsets me to read that I am saying I want to kill it. I know my phobia seems silly and trivial to people, but it's very frightening to me. I also have tocophobia, fear of being pregnant, so this whole process is awful. The tocophobia has prevented me from humanising things, so in my head this isn't a baby, it is just something that is inside of me that I really don't feel comfortable with. I am so embarassed to talk like this cos I really do love kids. No one will probably understand me, I must seem like such a freak.
Thanks again for all the replies I really do mean that
Hi.
Sorry you're feeling so bad, but you need to relax because these first months are the most important for your baby.
When i found out i was pregnant, i was worried too. Really scared. But i didn't consume my every second. If i felt a little nauseaous then i'd just eat something and that would take it away. At 10am EVERY morning without fail i would feel quite sick, but i'd eat and i'd be fine.
There's a good chance that you won't even be ill, but even if you are, it's a sign that everything is as it should be.
I think if you haven't you should re-read your post because it's very worrying. You'd rather kill yourself than have this baby?? You need to consider what happens when you have the baby and the baby gets sick? It's every emetophobics nightmare, but when i was in your position i never even thought about suicide just to avoid puking.
x
(BTW I am emetophobic and have been since i was 5, i am now 33)
Hi Belle
Thanks for your reply. I not only suffer from emetophobia but I also have quite severe tocophobia, which is fear of being pregnant. Everyone reacts differently to things, and although I said I would rather kill myself I didn't do anything about it. It's the only way I could express how frightened I was at the time. And when I said it I felt quite cornered and threatened by things my husband had said to me. I am in no way blaming him, but I reacted wrongly due to confusion about my feelings and hormones.
I probably should not have added that bit to my post but I am an honest person and was looking for some support. I know people will find it hard to understand, but I can't help the way I have reacted. I feel very bad about the things I have said and wish more than anything that I could be a serene, happy, calm pregnant woman, but the reality of it for me is very different.
It is good to hear that you were not troubled by morning sickness as everyone I have spoken to seems to have a horror story. I hope I too manage to avoid being sick. I am also eating alot. When I do feel a bit weird this always seems to make me feel better.
I am very phobic and if things come out wrong and it has worried anyone then I am truely sorry. I feel bad about that now:weep: .
All I really needed to hear was if anyone had experienced similar feelings, which they have. I am so so sorry for appearing so out of conrol. Please forgive me. As I said in my post this was out of character for me, we all have strange moments at times don't we??? I hope this doesn't sound all wrong cos it's not meant to. I just feel really bad, guilty and silly for being like this.
Andie - don't worry about how you sound.... Nothing to forgive. It's the anxiety and the panic. You are not bad, guilty or silly - it is the sheer panic coming out and you need to get it out of your system so post away to release it. Your head has been ready to explode recently from the sounds of it.
But please see the Dr or midwife team ( I know I am boring you saying that again).
Hi Andie, Hope your feeling a bit better. I just wanted to say, hope all goes ok and your get through everything ok. I cant help on the sickness, as I didnt have morning sickness and don't have a fear of being sick.
Just wanted to say hope you feel better soon xxx
:) hi andie/all, i think the main thing here is getting you through this period of doubt that is being caused by your anxiety and phobias - not really by your pregnancy? if you could remove the phobias youd be fine right? so you have to work at gettign rid of them despite the fact you are pregnant - i do agree with belle, but i also have felt that feeling of total fear that you cant experience what you are frightened of - to me that is juast a panic attack in the most extreme form - when it pervades your whole person, so you say things like this?
you dont mean it and you wont do it, but you do need to work on lowering this anxiety i think whilst boosting your confidence.
belle waasnt trying to make you feel bad she just wants to wake you up to the fact that your fears are taking over - our fears take over us all or we wouldnt be here. she doesnt want you to feel bad or apologise she just wants you to see that your phobia has control of you at the moment.
so you work at taking control back - and really the fact you are pregnant is the start of that - you are frightened of being sick and of being pregnant and you are in that situation now - do you get it? no wonder your anxiety has gone through the roof!!!!! but it will come down if you stop frigtening yourself - nothing you experience in life is the end of the world until you die then obviously it is - you have a massive inner strength that you dont know how to use - you are using it against yourself at the moment:lac: unfortunatley this may take you the whole of your pregnancy to conquer, but you can do it!!!!
think about things rationally - you actually havent even been sick? so no worries there - but if you do ever get sick you actually cant stop it, and your body is tsking care of itself anyway - being sick is good not bad? it feels bad but obviously your body wants something out of it or it wouldnt happen - you have to get this straight in your head - nothing you do could stop you from vomitting - same with your baby when you have it?
to me that is the least of your worries, coz really you can tie yourself up in knots and still be sick. but the tocophobia is going to be there just while you are pregnant and it just means you have to be strong enough to tolerate it throughout if it doesnt lessen, a,lthough you can view it as normal anxiety and just ride the waves of it as it comes and goes - however if it is directly related to being pregnant then it will go only when you arent pregnant. but you probably dont really have a phobia of it, wha tyou are feeling is normal for someone who suffers anxiety - as you ge tused to being pregnant you will most likely come to enjoy it - anyway no matter what happens its aboput your capacity to tolerate your fears and negative feelings but to hold onto what is real? these phobias and fears arent real - they are irrational - they are fears of things that cant actually harm you, although the fear of being pregnant to me is more rational than the fear of being sick - it is a massive undertaking and you have every right to be scared - just dont confuse it with something else, and stop thinking that you 'have' to be okay - you dont, you have permission to feel bad - the media has sold you the idea that pregnancy is fluffy and lovely - for a few it may be is, but for the rest of us it is a time of great emotional and massive physical upheaval - you need all your strength to cope so dont go lowering yourself by feeling bad tha tyo are feeling bad - nobody knows what tomorrow brings - yo may end up loving it - there is no guarantee that you wont be happy during this time - take it a day at a time and you will be okay - frighten yourself silly and you will only make yourself sick with worry - th echoice actually is yours and you have the power inside you to turn this around into something better than it is now - hormones or no hormones!!!!!:hugs:
Hi Guys
Thank you for your replies.
I realise Belle wasn't trying to make me feel bad, and her reply has made me think. I know this fear is irrational and I will do anything to get rid of it. I was talking to someone at work yesterday ( i work in a hospital) and her mother in law practices NLT which I don't really understand but apparently it is excellent for phobias and much quicker than CBT. She is bringing in a book today so I can read about it.
I have been to the docs and now have someting to help with sickness should it strike. It is something I should only take when I have to thought as it is best to take nothing especially in the early stages, as u all know. Luckily the med also has a sedative side effect so he said I can take it if I'm really anxious too. That has made me feel a bit better about things.
I can't thank you all enough for your replies. I feel that I am slowly getting used to the idea of being pregnant. I don't react well to change in my life as I have managed my anxiety well using routine. This news, although planned, sent me reeling.
I promise I will be back to my normal self before long. Thank you all again. And if I do go a bit funny again cos I'm scared, can I just apologise in advance.
Oohj look at you - being all pro-active !!! You sound like you have a turned a mental corner with this. Hope that hubby of yours is chuffed that you are really making an effort. You sound like you are getting back in control and seem much more full of spirit.
Glad you saw your Dr, sounds like they were helpful.
hi,
ive just read all the posts on here and andie, i can safely say i totally understand where your coming from, im in a very similar situation, and have recent posts on here about the same thing...only diff is, im not pregnant yet...
im probably not going to be of any help as im trying to sort out my head and then try for a baby.....soon i hope too, as i turn 35 in 3 months and keep getting reminded by everyone that time is fast running out for me...
my main fear is that im gonna have a heartattack and die while pregnant or die in birth....hmm..common theme there..lol...i know and hope this is a totally irrational fear....
what id like you to know and what i keep telling myself is all my friends around me who are now having their babies are all having a good time with it...seems like im the only one i know who is drop dead pretrified.....
my tocophobia is surreally bad, beyond a normal fear, and if surrogacy was allowed here, thats the route i would take for sure....
and someone once told me- you have 9 months to get used to the idea, so im sure you will settle into in very soon, if you havent already...
just keep deep breathing and think off all the other millions of preganat women around the world going through the same thing as you....
please keep us posted with your progress!!! would love to see this post become a sort of diary for those of use who are trying to get to where you are now!! and... im very impressed that you had the guts to try for a baby!!!! im not even there yet...lol...i freak at the thought.....:ohmy: wish i was my husband- mine is so calm with medical stuff, we would be on our 4th kid by now.....lololololol
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