I really want to be alone...

[Lilith]

I don't know if this comes under the heading of "social anxiety" or what. I have never been comfortable with socializing, but in the last year and a half, since I have been suffering with panic and anxiety, it has gotten much worse. I can't stand the thought of dealing with people, especially family.

They want so much. They want regular phone calls. Apparently I'm "reclusive and thoughtless" because I don't call and chat once or twice a week. I can't do it. Part of it is simply sexism. I am expected to maintain all the social and family connections because I'm a woman. My father, who passed away in 1995, was very "anti-social." Now, in retrospect, knowing what I know, I suspect he suffered as I do. But it didn't matter because he was a man, and my mother made all the phone calls and sent all the cards, etc. If he didn't want to go to parties, everyone excused it with, "Well, that's just the way he is." He never suffered any recriminations from anyone.

Now it's holday time. I just can't go to all the holiday parties we're supposed to attend. I've done it in the past, and I've lived through it, but I make myself sick for a week leading up to the party, and I try to remain as inconspicuous as possible while I'm there. I feel so bad for my poor husband, who, while not a social butterfly, is a normal person who likes parties and likes to keep in touch with people.

Well, sorry to have rambled on so. It makes me feel better to get these things out in the open, and I hope someone reading may be able to relate.

[twister]

I know its hard Lilith but try not to worry about what other people are demanding/ thinking of you. Try and please yourself and then you'll gain more self confidence - families can be very trying.....

Emily

[Meg]

Dear Lilith,

The Christmas season is difficult for so many people for so many reasons.

I can quite understand the situation you find yourself in , the issue is that the less you do - the less you want to do and that way agoraphobia lies.

I do not suggest that you put yourself through a really dreadful time but it would be beneficial to you once New Year is here to try to work on this so by next year it will not be so hard for you.


Families - thats another issue - they have often taught you to panic via another family member or have heavily contributed to why you're struggling now with anxiety. Even those who mean so well can be very unhelpful.


Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Lilith]

Meg, as a result of reading your post, I did a search on "Agoraphobia." I found this definition: The clinical definition of agoraphobia is a fear of situations or places "from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event" of a panic attack (DSM-IV).

This is what I have. I had no idea. I thought agoraphobics were afraid to go out their front door. I guess that's the extreme form, or end result. I am terrified that I will get stuck in a traffic jam. I only go to the movies early on a weekday when there won't be crowds and I can choose my seat. I cannot go to a Broadway show without Xanax. Ditto airplanes. If lines are long at the market I will just leave my basket and go home. My sweet husband has a boat which I will not go on, since my second, and biggest, panic attack happened there. I no longer go on any amusement park rides. I will wait on the line with the family, in hopes that once I get there I'll be alright, but I always chicken out and leave before boarding. Today I had to take my elderly mother to the doctor and I was so scared I had to take a Xanax and made excuses so I could go home as soon as possible.

You said "the less you do, the less you want to do." Are you saying I have to do these things to avoid it escalating? But what if the attacks happen? I know I always "live through it." But it is agonizing and I don't want to put myself through that. Do I need some kind of professional help?

[Meg]

Dear Lilith,

Yes, you are agoraphobic. Now you can start to deal with it. Do NOT get hung up or upset on diagnosis. It just describes what oyu've been for ages.

Yes, You get over it by doing things and starting to push out your boundaries of fear again. Slowly , bit by bit.

It will feel agonizing to start with but as you yourself say 'you live through them' and are fine. It gets easier and easier. You may have an attack, so you go back and do the same thing again the next day - all preplanned and supported and in very tiny manageable increments.

Have a hunt around the site , there is lots of information already posted . Come back with any questions

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the best form of help along with courage and determination from you . YOu can choose not to do anything about it . Its totally your choice just as you choose how fast you may want to tackle it.

You can get through this if you choose to.

Sorry if I shocked you, Lithith, I really didn't mean to.



Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Lilith]

Dear Meg,

Yes, I'd say you shocked me, but that's okay. It all makes a lot more sense now. But I'm very uncertain about all of this. I went on the boat once. I started having trouble breathing. I started pacing about and feeling terrified. I ended up below decks, lying on a cot, just trying to "hang on." I felt as though there were tight bands constricting my forearms and my hands went numb. I had to hold on to something and thought I would die or go insane. It lasted a very long time. Are you telling me (I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound confrontational) that each time I go on the boat again, the panic attacks will lessen? I have been avoiding it (and many other activities) because it was truly agonizing. One would have to be crazy to submit oneself to such a situation. Or so I have thought.

I will investigate the site further, and read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Thank you.

[Meg]

Try looking at this too....

www.paniccure.com

Meg

[sarah]

Hi Lilith

Im the prime example of what meg is telling you. I panicked so much i started avoiding situations to avoid panic and in doing so, before i knew it i WAS afraid to go outdoors even to the end of the driveway. Happy to say im not that bad anymore but its taken a lot of hard work and determination to gat back even the little confidence i have now.
Please dont avoid doing things...it really does make you worse.
love Sarah
xx
Just a thought about the boat. Maybe you could take it in small steps?
A couple of times just get on it and have lunch or something without going anywhere. One day you might just surprise yourself and tell your husband to start rowing...lol

[Lilith]

Thank you so much.

I see now that my pattern of avoidance has circumscribed an ever larger area of life and that is not good. I explained all this to my husband last night and he wants to help me get through these fears. He suggested going out together for a drive at rush hour, with the goal of getting stuck in traffic. LOL. Not most people's idea of an enjoyable way to spend an afternoon, I guess, but it may be a good start. I guess we could also go to a movie on Saturday night, instead of Saturday morning. Scary.

Oh, and I don't have to worry about the boat for a few months...it's in dry dock for winter. :)

[twister]

Hi Lilith

It's wonderful news that your husband is so supportive! Hopefully together you can beat this - it certainly sounds like you're on your way:D

Emily

[Meg]

Dear Lithith,

As Emily says - having support is soo helpful . It can be done alone but it's so much easier if you can share. A good positive attitude is already part way there.

Do ensure you take small achievable steps each time and get comfortable and on a plateau before moving onwards.

All the very best
Do let us know how you're doing.


Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[nomorepanic]

Lilith

I am doing that too at the moment - going out looking for traffic jams to get stuck in cos it is the only way I will get better (keep facing it).

I found one Friday night on the way home so it was good therapy and yes I did survive it.

Good luck

Nicola