View Full Version : In depth Fear
Today I am feeling really scared as today is when my partner goes back to work and I will be on my own with the kids which is really daunting me. And if that wasn't enough this morning my partner and I smelt burning coming from the kitchen I started to panic and he ripped the place to bits trying to find what it was. It turned out to be the toaster as when my Nephew was here the other day he had put a biscuit and a hair band in it so when I put bread in it, the hair band melted had melted! This has really racked my nerves I am feeling shaky and like I can't cope and my partner is getting ready to leave. I know that he needs to work, I want him to but I have this strong desire to ask him to stay home.
I just want to cry, I can't cope!!! I feel like I don't want to cope!!!
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi there
sorry you are feeling so scared, i truly understand how you are feeling, the first day will be the hardest, and when all's ok today, it will get easier, i promise. The toaster episode will have racked your nerves, understandably so, but that has been sorted now, so try to relax about that part, as for the rest, has your partner got a mobile so he can keep in touch (textings a good idea) you will be fine, keep the kids occupied with t.v. videos, drawing etc (not sure of their ages) and cook a little dinner for everyone, the time will pass slowly, but you can do it mate....and each day after today will be better. keep in touch xxxx
Jammie
I hope today has passed ok for you.
It is really scary when you start becoming independent again .
Let us know how it went.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hope you manage ok today!! :D
"Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal
Hi Jammie,
i think that you will find that you will be fine, when you are on your own if you dont get on and do something, it doesnt get done, so you find that you get on with things because there is no one else to ask. This keeps you busy and when you are busy you forget about the anxious feelings.
I hope this makes sense.
Take Care
Trac:D
Jammie,
How have you got on today?
Its incredibly hard to be left on your own but there are always people willing to listen to you - I hope you kept yourself busy and also managed to go out for a breath of fresh air!
let us know when you can! I know it can seem really daunting but you will cope because you believe you can deep down you know you have to for your children so you do just fine - just remember to ask for help in your moments when you feel you can't!
I am still feeling very shaky but it's nearly time to bath and bed the kids so I will have a chance to kick back and relax (or at least have a good try).
Tomorrow will be the real tester for me as I have to take the kids out on my own for the first time in 4 weeks! This makes me incredibly nervous, I just have this really big fear when I am on my own with my kids that I will take a panic attack and I really don't want this to happen when I am outside with them on my own!
I just don't understand how I have become like this. Just a couple of months ago I was into a good routine, getting on with things and our family was on the up. My partner got his first job in about 2 years (as he suffered with depression), money has been better-less of a struggle, my son has a speach problem which is getting better every day and my twins are due to start nursery soon so I get a bit of my life back. So why when things are getting so good for this family can I be going through this? It's almost like this family is never allowed to be happy. I'm only 21 but my family has been through so many hard times i.e my partner loosing both his parents over a period of two years, him suffering depression, having a baby at 18 and then twins a year later! I have been through so many hard times so why now? why not when things were tough?
I just don't know anymore. Sorry to rant and rave. I just have no Idea what's wrong with me, I understand it's depression and a panic dissorder but why me? and why now?
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi there
glad to hear you have survived so far..well done to you. as you say get the kids settled and try to relax. I think when things are tough we just have to carry on, not much time for thoughts, but now your life is getting better (thank goodness) you have more time to think, your body has probably relaxed a little and all the thoughts and symptoms come flooding back, i have no answer but understand what you are going through, take your time tommorow, you can do it, don't think too much about panicking, it may never happen, and if it did, you will cope just as we always cope, not nice i know, but we always seem to manage, take care and keep in touch. good luck.
Well that's me up bright and breezy,lol, I wish! Didn't really sleep lastnight for worrying about today, got a sore eye (think I'm getting a sty) and I have a thumping headache. So not a great start to the day but I am determend to get on with. I have no option I just have to. And maybe your right, If I just get on with it and distract my self I might forget and maybe have a moment of feeling better.
Well here goes...away to have some breaky and get myself and the kids dressed, so wish me luck.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Good for you jammiebasket, positive attitude and all that. I really hope you get on OK today, let us know how you are doing later! Sorry to hear you didn't sleep well becasue of worrying about today - however - on with the day as you say and try to get a good nights sleep tonight, otherwise it will all catch up with you.
All the best and keep us posted - we're all here to listen and support!
Well it's lunch time and I have survived, just[B)]. I took my son to nursery this morning and that was fine, felt a bit jittery but I was fine. I dropped him off and took my girls to Asda for some odds and ends (I was feeling a bit adventureous, lol) and really started to feel a bit self concious almost like everyone who looked at me new how I was feeling. I started to get pains in my chest and light headed but I tried my best to ignore it and get on with things, which must of worked because I got out of their without going into total panic! After Asda I dropped my shopping at home and went to pick my son up and when I got there he was throwing a tantrum which started to make me really un-easy as all the attention was on me when I went in.
Now I am home and have given them their dinner so I am away to lie on the couch for an hour, I feel exhausted. But at least I did it.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi there,
gosh, no wonder you are exhausted, it made me tired just reading everything you've done today....as you say chill for a while, ready for the next session, keep at it and well done. xxx
Hi Jammie
I wanted to say a huge congrats for managing so well this morning .
'I just don't understand how I have become like this'
'I just have no Idea what's wrong with me, I understand it's depression and a panic dissorder but why me? and why now?'
We all self search for these answers and sometimes they are easy ones to find and other times - never.
However , the best way is to see it is as a overload warning - and to take stock and now take better care of yourself. There has been a lot happening with you and now its was all getting better, you had room in your mind for doubt and room to ponder and anxiety can grab that space quickly .. You may also have been running on fumes and this was your warning ..
My GP kindly told me I was the last person on her books she would expect it to ever happen to - It was not her most thoughtful bit of advice ever as it upset me no end but the reality is that it has happened and you may never know why and thankfully you can recover without knowing why .. put your energies into moving on and seeing progress like you made this morning and it won't be long until you can put it behind you..
Attitude and willingness to try once more is more than half of this battle.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Like with Meg quite a few people said they couldn't believe I would suffer with this as I always seem so up and confident - I'm not sure that's relevant as I think overload can happen to anyone.
Again like Meg I think its your body's way of saying 'enough already' and for you to look at how to be kinder with yourself. It also seems to happen after the stressful time is essentially over, when we think we've dealt with everything well. Perhaps this again is our body saying 'right I dealt with it but now I need time to adjust and re-charge'.
I've always like the idea of treating yourself like you would a good mate and you would never tell a good mate to get a grip and keep going at that same mad pace and don't look after yourself at all, would you!!!! I think we'd all want to help our good mate and take some pressure off them, so why not with ourselves!!!!!
Love Piglet[8D]
WELL DONE you did yourself proud!!!!! Good on ya!
Take care,
Love PIP'S X X
thanx everyone for your replies.:D
I had a lay down on the couch but didn't really help much I now have a thumping headache! But on the plus side that's my partner away to work and I seem to be ok, my kids have just finished their tea and I am away to give them an early bath and we're going to cosy up and watch a film then all go to bed. It's the going to bed part I am looking forward to, lol:D
again thank you all, oh one more thing, my mum told me that it's best to take your Citalipram at night is this true? Does it really matter? It's just that I have been having some pretty weird dreams about people I haven't thought about in years!
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
My partner has just walked out of his job because he was sick of how he was being treated! Never mind sticking the job untill something better came up, noooooo lets just quit the job and leave the family in the sh*t!
I don't know what I am going to do, we're going to have no money. How am I going to feed my kids! pay the bills! heat the house! Why did he have to let me down now! I can't take it.
All I do is fcking struggle, that's all I have ever done. I'm tired, really tired. I've been crying for the past half an hour and can't stop!!!!!!!
I don't want to do this any more, what is the point to my life? I must have been a really bad person in a past life because it really feels like I am being punished in this one! If this keeps up I don't know what I'm gonna do..........
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi Jammie,
Dont let this get you down Hun, my husband walked out on me in november, and i thought the same as you, as he left me with no money and a mortgage to pay. Contact your local social services office they can advise you on what you can claim, you wont be left to starve i promise you. Things may look bad at the minute, but your partner may get a much better paid job and then everything will be fine. Just remember things are not always as bad as they seem i have learnt that from past experiences. Feel free to pm me whenever you want i have been there and felt exactly the way you are feeling now, it is hard but you come out the other end feeling a much stronger person.
Take care hun and dont worry things will turn out ok in the end.
Trac:D
nomorepanic
05-07-05, 18:43
Jammie
Sorry to hear this news.
You really need to sit down with him and explain what this means to the family.
Can he easily get another one or are there not many around your area?
Nicola
"Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"
I just want to say thank you for your reply. I know things will get sorted out it's just having to do it again! This isn't the first time my partner has done this.
When I had my son he walked out on me then came back and moved us 20miles away from family to another city. He walked out on me again then came back and again and again ect. this went on untill December 2003 when he left me for a 16 year old and took the last of our money to set up home with her. Leaving me with an 18month old boy and 6month old twin girls and christmas only weeks away! Funnily enough he came back asking for yet another chance and I gave him it because I'm a tube! But made him swear that he wouldn't do that to me again and that he gets help, so he did, he went to see a councellor and was on antidepressants. He came off them last November and promised that he would get a job and I told him that this would be his last chance to prove himself and he's done it again, He's let me down!!!!!
I just feel soo flat. I've let my self fall again and you know what, this time I don't think I want to get up. I am 21 years old and for the past 3 1/2 years I have been clearing up and picking up after other people. Struggling to cope constantly, no help, no support and I just can't do it anymore. I don't even have any friends, how sad is that! They all kind of lost interest when i had my son and insisted on taking him back all the time. I feel like I have no-one and right now I have never felt more alone.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Sue K with 5
06-07-05, 01:54
Hi Jammie:)
I have had my husband home for nearly three years now, we did a role reversal when my youngest daughter was born because of my depression and my panic attacks and agoraphobia, last week was his first week back to work in nearly three years, I didn't even have time to get used to the idea, now I must admit, I am fine until I have to take Willow to and from nursery and thats when I realise that I cannot cope,
I work from home still which is a great distraction but I now need to start going to and from school each day, I use the breathing exercises as a guid to get me there, which has been so helpful, but if you have these feelings being on your own, then I suggest you try the deep breathing and maybe a distraction involving so kind of work from home, which does make the day go quicker
Good luck and PM me if you need to talk during the day
Take Care
Sue with 5 children
scknight
Well my partner managed to get his job back today, how he did I have no Idea. I'm still angry though, what was he playing at?!!! It's almost like he goes out of his way to upset me!
I am proud of my self though, last night all I did was cry then I just stopped not sure why maybe I was just out of tears but when I did stop my partner tried to speak to me and 'explain' why he's done what he had done and I didn't listen. I just turned to him and said "you know what I don't care what your excuse is this time cause no matter what you say it won't be good enought. I don't want to think about your job let alone talk about it! so unless you have something interesting to say I suggest you shut up" and I turned my back on him and didn't speak to him all night! Thats soo not like me, I would usually be blowing up and having a huge argument with him but on this occation I just didn't have it in me. I think that it scared him a bit because he kept saying that I wasn't being my self, I just kept ignoring him though!
I think that's part of why he went and got his job back today cause I think he thought that he had really done it this time and that I was going to throw him out! Wouldn't say that I didn't think about!
Just thought that I would let you all know that things were ok (well sort of) now as you have all been really kind with your replies of support.
claire
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi Jammie
I hope you are a bit calmer now with the immediate issues of next months money secure.
He must be feeling very low himself now so I hope you find the time and space to talk through what you both want from the next few months and how you can possibly work together to get there.
Take care- sorry this has happened just when you least needed it. You will get better.You have the strength..
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Hi Jammie, I take Citalipram at night so i could sleep though the side FX, though still wake up with a headache, and citalipram is supossed to be a stimulant so it might make sleeping worse! i also take a sleeping tab (Trazodone) which really helps. maybe you should try taking it at a differant times to see what works best for you. All the best...
Take Care Dee.
Hi again, i just noticed there was a 2nd page to your post (thicko me) Anyway i didnt know things had got worse for you!
I have 2 young kiddies Its very hard having to juggle kids and family life when you have anxiety/depression, Would it help to see your GP and perhaps get some counseling for both you and your hubby, having someone to listen to your problems, like on here, it helps knowing someone is listening and taking notice. Take it easy...
Take Care Dee.
Thanx Deeko, I'm definatly trying to take it easy, I've just bought 'Hope & Help For Your Nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes on audio tape so I'm going to put that on tonight and just lie back and relax to that.
I've had a bit of a bad morning as my partner and I are still not really getting on. We went shopping this morning and I just felt the tension building and building and then I started to feel dizzy and light headed, I just wanted to get out of there and get home. I didn't though I just started to do my breathing and kept going, didn't want him thinking that he got to me.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
Hi, Hope things are getting better! Good idea to listen to your relaxation tape and spend at least once a day trying to relax. All the best...
Take Care Dee.
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