Tomimo
09-01-09, 21:53
This could turn into a long ramble.....
When I was a teenager/young adult I made lots of mistakes. I stole and I lied. I was never caught or confronted and muddled my way through. Looking back I think that my behaviours were all attention seeking. My parents divorced when I was young and my brother had learning/behaviour problems that required a lot of time from them and professionals - I'm not justifying the things I did.....I think it's important to how I feel now though.
AS I turned into an adult I was a very anxious person and the anxiety caused lots of physical symptoms which led to me visiting my doctors ALL THE TIME - in some way I think this was also attention seeking/hypochondria and self harm (although noone ever knew that), as whnever I was ill I got attention from family and friends. I had my children and married young and my anxiety then included them. When they were small and got ill I totally panicked and spend all my time at the docs with them - probably more than other parents. I felt and anxious knot inside me that something terrible would happen and I would get the blame - so much so that I thought that if they saw the doc every time that they would get the proper attention and knowledge they needed. How I was never put on some sort of list for mental mothers I'll never know. My own GPs were always great about my anxiety ( I never told them about being so worried about the kids) and gave me andi-d's for anxiety and although I taked to them about the intrusive thoughts/anxiety symptoms etc I would never have been able to work up the courage to admit all my past mistakes.
Gradually things improved and I no longer need the crutch of doctors and hospitals for me or the children although I still have a small degree health anxiety for me and them.
I have managed to continue through anxious periods and panic attacks and have trained at uni for a career which I am just undertaking although I do suffer with periods of panic and these days my symptoms are more thought based than physical - I over-analyse the world and can't really get to grips with how unreal it all seems, especially with how complex everything (existence!) is/fear of dying etc.
Recently though I feel a total guilt for my past bahaviours and worry that somewhere along the line people will find out how 'mental' I was. I don't think I even realised the consequences of my actions or had no control over them until some time later -is it in my medical records or those of the children? I'm trying to tell myself that people do much worse things and rehabilitate and actually in the grand scheme of things despite these symptoms I have functioned as a wife/mother etc for over 10 years. Do others feel similar? How do you forgive yourself and move on? Can we really move on from anxious/mental health behaviours no matter how bad they were?
Any advice appreciated.
When I was a teenager/young adult I made lots of mistakes. I stole and I lied. I was never caught or confronted and muddled my way through. Looking back I think that my behaviours were all attention seeking. My parents divorced when I was young and my brother had learning/behaviour problems that required a lot of time from them and professionals - I'm not justifying the things I did.....I think it's important to how I feel now though.
AS I turned into an adult I was a very anxious person and the anxiety caused lots of physical symptoms which led to me visiting my doctors ALL THE TIME - in some way I think this was also attention seeking/hypochondria and self harm (although noone ever knew that), as whnever I was ill I got attention from family and friends. I had my children and married young and my anxiety then included them. When they were small and got ill I totally panicked and spend all my time at the docs with them - probably more than other parents. I felt and anxious knot inside me that something terrible would happen and I would get the blame - so much so that I thought that if they saw the doc every time that they would get the proper attention and knowledge they needed. How I was never put on some sort of list for mental mothers I'll never know. My own GPs were always great about my anxiety ( I never told them about being so worried about the kids) and gave me andi-d's for anxiety and although I taked to them about the intrusive thoughts/anxiety symptoms etc I would never have been able to work up the courage to admit all my past mistakes.
Gradually things improved and I no longer need the crutch of doctors and hospitals for me or the children although I still have a small degree health anxiety for me and them.
I have managed to continue through anxious periods and panic attacks and have trained at uni for a career which I am just undertaking although I do suffer with periods of panic and these days my symptoms are more thought based than physical - I over-analyse the world and can't really get to grips with how unreal it all seems, especially with how complex everything (existence!) is/fear of dying etc.
Recently though I feel a total guilt for my past bahaviours and worry that somewhere along the line people will find out how 'mental' I was. I don't think I even realised the consequences of my actions or had no control over them until some time later -is it in my medical records or those of the children? I'm trying to tell myself that people do much worse things and rehabilitate and actually in the grand scheme of things despite these symptoms I have functioned as a wife/mother etc for over 10 years. Do others feel similar? How do you forgive yourself and move on? Can we really move on from anxious/mental health behaviours no matter how bad they were?
Any advice appreciated.