Coping at work!!

[shortstuff]

I'm struggling at the moment, and I mean struggling. I asked for a meeting with my boss today to let him know this - I thought he should at least be prepared. I can manage when all is calm and quiet and I can be in areas where there is no constant movement of people, but am freaking out in all other circumstances. Problem is, I work in a school which is busy, noisy invloves lots of people all wondering about throughout the day!!!

I have been adimant throughout this illness that I will not go on the sick - the routine of going to work is the only normal thing I have left in my life. It is still a place which I can go to AND actually get out of the car on arrival. This, in effect, is my last link with the outside world / my former self. I have been clinging onto it with all my remaining resources.

I am terrified at the prospect of having to take time off in case it makes the agoraphobia worse, then triggering higher anxiety and more panic, not to mention the likelihood of depression.

On the other hand, I am getting more and more depressed with every failure at work. Every time I have to run off to calm down somewhere quiet. Every time one of my colleagues has to pick up aspects of my job because I couldn't stay in a room. Realistically, I can not continue in this way. I don't know what to do!!!

[Dublin_Man]

do you have internet while u work ????????

i usually log onto a online snooker game , its free , just register and play

i find that it distracts me because im concentrating on the game etc , and just keep thinking u are not alone and it could be alot worse , think of the people dying of starvation and cancer and aids etc

we have at worst a nasty habit , thats it , just a bad learnt behaviour and no matter how u feel , it wont hurt u and deep inside u know that , invite it on when u feel it , ask it to come disrupt ur day and guess what it wont come

its difficult , i have it 11 years and have the same issues in work , as nobody can do my work , so if i aint there people dont get paid , architects dont get drawings etc so alot of pressure on me

we learnt to be negative and anxious and we can un-learn it with regular tests

[shortstuff]

I'm a teacher so no opportunity to take a mental break on the computer etc. I have a class full of 3-7 year olds demanding attention! I can manage the classroom part of the job as the kids are a fantastic distraction. What I can't handle is the 'out of the classroom' stuff. E.g. I can't walk my class up a corridor without panic striking, I can't take them out of school, staff meetings and courses are huge issues. There are loads of essential aspects of my role outside of the classroom - and it is these which push me over the edge.

I am trained to carry out risk assessments for almost every aspect of my job and the biggest risk at the moment is ME.

[Nechtan]

Hi,

I can relate to how you are feeling. Over 3 years ago I was feeling the same at work and it started to get so bad that I had to take sick days. Then I started getting guilty about taking sick days but just could not go sometimes so had to use up my holidays instead. When I was made redundant I was relieved because I felt the travel on top the work was not helping- I could be travelling anywhere between 1.5 hours-4 hours on top of an 8 hour shift. Like you say though it does not help and I actually went downhill fast when I stopped working. Not right away but after about 3-4 months.

Firstly you have done the right thing in arranging a meeting with your boss. When I look back I cannot believe I never did the same and instead just kept it to myself. One of the reasons for that though was because I had no idea what was happening to me. I knew nothing of anxiety and thought I had a viral illness of some sort that I just couldn't shake. But talking to your boss whatever the outcome will take some weight off your shoulders as it is no longer something you are dealing with alone.

You may need a break. If you have a break for a couple of weeks I don't think you will go downhill as long as you make a point of still going out. My big problem was that when I stopped working I stopped going out to but even then as I said it still took 3-4 months before I started to decline. A short break wouldn't do you any hard.

If you have not talked to your GP it may be worth doing. He may be able to prescribe something light to take the edge of things. From the sound of things you need something to help you through this period and if the doctor can give you something then that could be just what you need.

Another thing to consider is some sort of self help distraction. Like taking a self help book with you so that when you start to feel anxious you can have a quick read and it may calm you- this is what I do in the house. Alternatively an mp3 player with Claire Weekes or the like that you can put on for a few minutes to settle you down.

All the best

Nechtan

[feels_like_home]

I send you a PM. I am a teacher as well and can relate to how you are feeling. I feel safe in the class with the kids, but have a really hard time with meetings, an assembly, the staff room, class trips etc.

[giddy]

Hi
I'm a teacher too and went through something very similar to you when I was at my worst. I actually stopped going to staff meetings and courses altogether. I couldn't even eat my lunch in the staff room - I had to eat it walking round my classroom - at this point I started to panic if I sat still!! Luckily my Head and colleagues were really understanding and things started to get better once they all knew. I started going to staff meetings again and it was fine if I suddenly had a panic, I just got up and walked around at the back until I calmed down!! I also found having a bottle of water with me all the time helped, every time I felt the panic rising I took a swig. Doodling and fidgeting also helped. But supportive colleagues were definately the biggest help, they didn't make a big deal of my problems and we even reached a point where we could joke about it...'Oh, she's off again!!!'
I think its a really good idea to let your Head know and any other staff who can support you. I'm not sure about taking time off though, like you I didn't want to, because I was frightened I'd never be able to go back. However if you feel its what you need you should.
Have you been to see your doctor yet? Have you tried any meds?
Take care

[shortstuff]

I see my GP regularly with this and have been on Citalopram for 7 months now. My colleagues have been really supportive and I think that is the only reason I've managed this long. I haven't been in the staff room now for around 8 months and usually eat my lunch in the car as the classroom is a through-route to the playground.

I really don't want to take time off as I am terrified of the consequences for my own health! My GP is unsure what would be best i.e. he understands and agrees with my fear that going on sick could fuel the anxiety and agoraphobia further. On the other hand, he realises that the pressures of the job (even self-imposed pressures) are becoming impossible for me.

I feel that I'm in a catch 22 situation!

[shortstuff]

I'm dreading tomorrow. Had a text off the deputy head to say he'll cover me if I need a break. I'm so lucky to have people at work who look out for me, but its not the answer. I need to be able to do my job knowing that I can cope if there is nobody around to cover me - otherwise I'm going to come really unstuck one day or begin to rely on people too heavily.

I hate being like this - I feel like an utter waste of space :mad:. I'm sick of the constant exhaustion, existing rather than living, and worst of all, seeing the effect my illness has on others around me.

Sorry folks - just needed to vent :weep:

[feels_like_home]

I know what you mean about existing rather than living. I feel like I am doing that most of the time. I think you are doing great just to go to work everyday. You have a very important job and your students are lucky to have a dedicated teacher like you. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. Please let us know how you are doing.
Take care.
Michelle

[Patty]

Hi Shortstuff, :)

Sending you some :hugs: :bighug1: :bighug1: :hugs:


Hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

Best wishes xx :bighug1:

[freakedout]

Hi Shortstuff,

You are doing so very well to keep fighting this and I am so glad that you have supportive colleagues. I was upset reading this thread because I could have written it myself a few years ago, and it reminds me of what I have lost in my life. Like Nechtan I never spoke to my boss while I was struggling at work, I was slowly driving myself insane, then I reached the point of no return and just couldn't cope. Unfortunately I was off sick long term and retired on ill health grounds last year. Like you I was OK most of the time I was dealing with clients/patients (health visiting) but meetings, courses, being in the office, driving to and from visits, lunch time in the staff room and suchlike were to much for me to handle. I do understand how important it is to keep your job as you say it is your last link with the outside world plus it is a part of your identity and gives you so much self-worth. Are you full time? is there an option to work part time?

It is exhausting because you are hyper alert/anxious and ready for the panic all day, and it is the last thing you think about when you go to bed at night, and the first thing you think about when you wake up. It really is awful.

Dublin_Man made some helpful comments. I wish I could suggest something to help and I hope your day is not so bad today. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you ARE doing extremely well to persist, this shows your strength and determination. I hope you will be OK.

Take care,

Freaky

[shortstuff]

Well I made it through today - the kids really are a good distraction. As its a brand new building, I'm still trying to work out where I can go to calm down / for my breaks (the staff room is far too chaotic). Its been broken in by the pupils today so very different to last week when it was just staff. The head decided to play with the technology by piping music through the corridors as we were queuing to get into assembly - the queue was setting me off but the music finished me! I ran for it - back to the safety of my classroom!!

I'm at a funeral tomorrow so more concerned about HOW I will be able to get into the church / stand at the graveside etc. So I'm trying not to think of work until Wednesday.

Thank you all for the support you have given me - those understanding comments and bits of advice both on the board and through PM have really helped me to get through today.

Nic

[shortstuff]

I managed more the funeral that I thought possible on Tuesday so was really pleased with myself. The work situation is no better though and I had to bail out of a course on Thursday. The constant anxiety has left me so exhausted that I am falling asleep as soon as I get in and not waking up until it is time for work again!

I just don't know if its worth the struggle any more! I also don't want to become totally house bound either.

[freakedout]

Sorry you had to attend a funeral, again you did well to manage that. It isn't easy is it.

I hope you are managing to relax over the weekend and not let worrying about work spoil it for you.

PM me if you like, I know how horrible it was for me when I worked, if only we could switch off the mental torment we would be just fine.

Freaky

[rgb76]

Hi shortstuff

I wrote a huge reply to you and then my connection cut out. Just to say you are brave and know what you're going through! I went to the GP last week who has signed me off for 2 weeks as every day is a struggle though I haven't had a day off sick in 3+years(when I could've been off sick all that time with my nerves!). She advised rest, sleep, read a book and go for walks not just to stay in. I find meetings, training and handovers a problem..an issue when my role is care home manager.

My boss arranged a meeting for next week to discuss some changes to the service at work at work which even though I told her in Nov that I was struggling she just like piles the pressure on. I'm glad I'm off for a bit to recharge

Let us know how you get on as there are others like you struggling. It sounds like you need to rest and recharge:shrug: :unsure:

take care and keep us posted

rgb

[shortstuff]

I relented to exhaustion and overwhelming anxiety, and have took today off work. The relief at not being at work is emense, and I have slept from 8:30 to 11:30.

I will certainly see how I feel and consider taking tomorrow as well - if nothing else, to give my body a chance to recover from the physical symptoms of anxiety! I know well enough that if I remain (body or mind) in a state of anxiety the cycle of anxiety - panic attack - anxiety - panic attack, spirals out of control. If I don't control it early, it can take weeks to break free.

I should probably take at least two weeks off, but I don't think I could cope with the guilt (key meetings, new pupils etc, etc).

[rgb76]

Hi Shortstuff

Glad that you are taking some time out to recharge and recuperate... hope you feel better soon...I'm feeling guilty being off work but dread the thought, at the moment, of the pressure and threat of panic attacks building at work but I'm hoping with a break from work that my percerptions will change to being more rational about it

take care
rgb

[shortstuff]

The guilt is pure madness, don't you think? Try not to worry about returning to work (easier said than done, I know!!) and like you say, enjoy the recharge.

Take care

Nic
x

[HappyHayley]

Hello short stuff,

I homed in on your story as soon as I started reading it, like a few who have replied already it could have been me two years ago. I work in a school as a TA 3 and like you found the classroom my sanctuary, even though I worked in a high school and still moved around the place. The staff room was a no go, I used to drive up to school in the morning and take my squirts of Rescue Remedy and take a deep breath as if I was about to run a marathan. After logging onto this site I found a lot of people that helped me through.

As you look at my postings I have not been on here for a while, that is because I have not needed to. The only reason for coming back on was I couldnt remember the name of my vitamins as I bought a job lot and threw the last pack away without writing it down!!

I consider myself to be 95% recovered I even got in a plane at Christmas for the first time ever, something I swore I would never do. My husband thinks he has a new wife and my son thinks I am now supermum as there is so much I want to do with my life. My last posting reads that I had a new dream job of which I am still in and love. I work in a Pupil Referal Unit and although the job is stressful I love it. Anyway less about me and more about you.

I realised that enough was enough when anxiety and panic had taken over the last fifteen years of my life, it had ruined the early years of my sons childhood and I was determined it was not going to continue, I was really quite cross and this is one thing that kept pushing me. The one thing I did have was the computer for research.

My research to come out was the following everybody is different but most people react to anxiety in similar ways. For me the following worked.

My diet has now totally changed, I do not drink any caffeine, only camomile tea, I do not take suger in tea or on cereal. I eat a very balanced diet incorporating lots of leafy green veg (spinach etc) for their magnesium, I eat quite a lot of complex carbohydrates, jacket potatoes, whole green bread, bananas. I drink or sip water quite a lot through the day. Vitamins I take are Vitamin B Complex and super strength Omega 3 fish Oil (1000mg). If you are interested in how I came to this lifestyle I can go into more detail but it is a combination of what a lot of people on this site have helped me with. It works for me, it may well work for you.

The fact that you are in the classroom is proof in itself that you can deal with this anxiety as distraction is the best remedy. I now find myself almost testing myself. I sit in meetings that I would never have dreamed in sitting in two years ago and saying to myself, come on give me a panic! I think to myself what am I doing!!

I feel I have gone on a lot but if you want to chat further please drop me a line

H :D

[shortstuff]

Thanks Hayley, its good to know that recovery is possible x

[shortstuff]

Well, in the end I was off 3 days. I went back into work on Thursday. I received an email from my boss on Wednesday reassuring me that it was OK to take time off and letting me know that he had booked cover until Friday. So I went back on light duties, sorting out ICT (which is my other role) so that I could 'escape' if I needed without feeling pressurised to stay.

I was quite proud of myself as well for managing to attend a pupil's assessment at the hospital. I arrived for the meeting a bit of a nervous wreck, swallowed a beta blocker and clamed myself down - but I MADE IT THROUGH :D

My boss wants to refer me to Health & Well Being for assessment too, and has reassured me that this is to ensure that a) I receive the support I need to stay at work, and b) that he has some help in supporting me at work.

The downside is though that, in the short time I was off, the supply teacher and/or my support staff decided to change my classroom round. I felt so dismissed and wiped out of existence. I have had enough self-doubt as to my ability to carry on with work, that I took this as a personal insult! I felt as though they couldn't wait to be rid of me!! Anyway, I am determined to set things right on Monday - it is my classroom, I am still capable of doing my job and doing it well, and it will return to how I want it! Perhaps I sort of needed this to remind myself that I am a good teacher and I do know what I am doing!

On the whole, I'm feeling a bit more positive again, despite having succummed to time off.

[Sillyblondegirl]

Good for you! I am glad things are looking up at work :)

[Insomniac]

Hi there. It sounds like you are doing really well!

Like Hayley I am a teaching assistant and have been suffering with panic & anxiety to a greater or lesser extent for about 4 years now.

Find this site was a lifesaver, or a sanity saver anyway. I have learnt so much since then about changing my diet to avoid caffeine, and cut down on sugar. I still dirnk tea now and again, and I do also carry around my Rescue Remedy with me though I rarely use it now. I have also found tha a good diet occasionally supplemented with vitamins which include magnesium, calcium, B vitamins & primrose oils is really helpful.

Like you I did talk to my boss, who was extremely understanding and helpful. Just knowing that people are there to support you helps a lot. Accepting that this is an illness not a personal failure is hard to do, but it sounds like you are getting there. Also sometimes we do need time off because the strain and the adrenaline is draining. This is not a sign of weakness, its just knowing when your body needs to rest & recharge. :)

I must say I do find it interesting though how many people in teaching suffer with anxiety or depression. Just shows what a high pressure world it is. But even as a TA I find it so worthwhile watching them learn & grow.

You sound like you are feeling much more positive now. Well done! Keep taking those small steps an remember to appreciate yourself for your achievements. :yesyes:

[rgb76]

Hi

Good to hear that you went back to work and that you managed that meeting-well done.

I am due back at the Doctors on Weds. and I'm starting to feel better than I was after having a big p.a. after increasing to 20mg of Citalopram-Friday pm. I've reduced to 10mg and feel so much better. I'm thinking of returning to work on Thursday but I'll see how the first part of the week goes as I don't want to be rushing it but also don't want to be off too long or I'll find it even harder to return!:wacko:

Thanks and take care all

rgb

[shortstuff]

Good luck RGB, I'll be thinking of ya! Thanks for all your support - do what feels right for you is my only advice:hugs:

Nic
xx

[nikkipops]

Hiya,

I'm glad you're feeling more positive; I understand what you meant (earlier in your posts) about being reluctant to stop, even when it's hard to cope with work. At the moment I'm struggling to attend all my lectures and seminars at university, and I'm not sure how much the staff understand what I'm going through. I feel determined to manage, but I'm thinking it's probably wise to stop and not beat myself up for not achieving everything I wanted to on a particular day, especially if I'm having a very anxious day.

I'm in my second year at university, and looking at applying for a Secondary English PGCE when I graduate, because I've always wanted to teach. Did any of the teachers who've posted on here suffer with panic or anxiety before getting into the job, and did it ever put you off?

I've been volunteering in a Secondary school and working with the pupils is brilliant (once I'd got the first session over with I was very relaxed about it, it was like a nice way to escape all the stresses of university life), but I have been worried about the other aspects of the job mentioned in this thread, such as staff meetings (I'm a Student Representative for the department meetings at uni., and despite thinking this would be good experience, I dread them and try to say as little as possible). Could anyone give me any advice? It's hard to talk about this aspect with the Careers people at my university. Also, is it important to make potential employers/postgraduate course tutors aware of my anxiety issues immediately, or just if it proves to interfere?

Thanks, Nikki

[shortstuff]

I'm not sure how it would be coming into teaching with existing anxiety, but I know loads of people who have suffered in various ways, who are now in teaching and coping very well. In many respects its just the same as any other job. When you first start, you have to settle in and get to know people which is stressful with anxiety. On the other hand, I find the the kids and the 'job' itself is very theraputic in that it is a great distraction.

Having anxiety shouldn't necessarily deter employers either - discrimination is illegal as very simple adaptations can be made. As for staff meetings, they vary from school to school, but there isn't usually a huge individual pressure to speak up in them. As in other jobs, not everyone is comfortable in contributing this way.

Having said this, I was looking for another job but have had to put this on hold until I am more stable. Having suffered a panic attack in an interview and suffered the resulting disappointment, I am just not up to the knock-backs and the extra stress. There's also the fact that all of my colleagues know about my anxiety and panic so I am not under pressure to 'act normal'. My Headteacher has been very understanding and accommodating, even though he has admitted (in a nice way)that I sometimes drive him crazy with my randomness!! I can't be sure it'd be this way somewhere else.

Good luck, shout up if there's anything I can help with.

[rgb76]

Hi Shortstuff

How's it going at work? Interested in Nikkipops post too, as I have thought that maybe why I feel so fed up and anxious is due to my current work role even though I felt like this for some years in other jobs.

I have thought a bit about Primary school teaching as an alternative as I have helped out a bit in my son's Yr 2 class and a bit last year too with activities and I'm a class rep. but could hardly speak up in the last meeting and being 1 of only 2 men in the meeting. I currently work with older people so maybe it's time for a change to work with younger people. I 'm sure there is a lot of positives in seeing them develop.

I have to remind myself that I've got a degree and went on to do a Masters degree both while working full-time as depression/anxiety robs you of self-esteem given the chance.

I too would worry re: a history of anxiety going into a new role- my wife thinks it's ridiculous as I would have to take a 50% pay decrease initially but then what is the price for one's health. Mind you even the teacher last week said it is the interaction that is exhausting but enjoyable but I suppose that is where the reward comes and forgetting about one's own problems? I'd have to do assemblies too!...

Anyhow your thoughts much appreciated

thanks

roo (rgb76)

[feels_like_home]

Hi Nikki,
My anxiety started during university a few years ago. I managed to get through it, but missed a lot of lectures. I went on to Teacher's College. This was really challenging for me as I had to drive 3 hours to school, stay over night in a hotel and come home the next day. There were times I thought I just cannot go on, but I did. When I finished school I started as a supply teacher. I had to go school to school and my anxiety was really high everyday. I didn't think I could do it, but I survived. I am now teaching Senior Kindergarten and am really enjoying it.

I do well in class with the kids, but have a hard time in meetings, school trips etc. Sorry for going on and on, but my point is that you can do it. I love it so much that I force myself to get through the tough days. It isn't easy and some days I feel like I need to just give up because of all the horrible feelings. Then I have good days and realize I can do it. I have only told one trusted friend at work. There are no jobs here for teachers and I am only on contract again this year for the year. I feel like I would hurt my chances of getting another job next year if I told the wrong person. Having one person to go to while at work has made me feel much better. I am here if you ever need to talk.

[shortstuff]

Its one of those jobs where the tough times are tough but the rewards are worth it for those who love the job. I have had a great week this week and have felt pretty normal again. I have had to leave an assembly and wear earplugs during the staff meeting - but I haven't allowed either incident to bother me. I've really enjoyed being with the kids so much the rest just seems worth it.

For me, it all depends on my general state of mind as to how I cope. When I am depressed, exhausted or have had really high anxiety for more than a few days, I feel every 'failure' and it takes me all of my effort to pick myself up. However in good weeks such as this week, I feel confident enough to take the knocks. I just wish I had more good weeks - they seem few and far between these days.

Good luck everyone, stick at it.

Nic

[Cinders]

I am struggling to cope if i am honest...

Work agreed i could come back and do a job i used to do previously in order to break me in gently, however my boss is still sending me emails asking about problems etc that relate to my other department that he is supposed to be looking after for me at the moment.

The thing is that on my first couple of days everyone seemed really caring which was great but now everyone seems to think i am ok as i have been laughing and joking etc.

The thing is that generally i hide things quite well and i take myself off to the toilet or outside and almost talk to myself to make me feel better.

I know VERY soon they will want me to go back to my old job but i just can't, the thought of it brings me to tears and i just cannot stop being scared!!

I just don't know what to do, i cannot afford to leave but i can't go back to that job so what do i do i feel i have no choice.

[rgb76]

Hi Cinders

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Do work know that your previous job role caused you this much stress? You've got to put yourself first and decide what you want not what they want if it's making you tearful and scared.

Wishing you all the best with this. You have got people who do care and are supportive here at NMP

take care

rgb

[Cinders]

Rgb thanks for your post... yes work know it is the previous job that caused me so much stress and i have had a return to work interview today and was told that i need to get back to that job ASAP or leave basically....

I broke down in tears and was then told that there is no pressure but there isn't really a job for me where i am so i need to get back to my actual job!

I just don't know what to do.

[rgb76]

Hi Cinders

Sorry to hear that about your options at work. They have a responsibility not to make you ill as part of Health and Safety policy and therefore putting you back in the same role which has caused you stress without any review of the job role is not acceptable.

I'm not legally qualified but my GP said to me that if work don't change something for me and I were to be off sick long-term and left the job as a consequence that I could have a case for Constructive dismissal which could apply to you if they don't do anything to change your workload.

Isn't it bad when you are trying your best at work to be met with an ultimatum like that! Try and get some advice re: your rights if you feel able to like your HR or CAB. Hope you feel a bit better soon. Please let us know how you get on

take care
rgb

[licquyd]

I had to go on work disability twice this year, only worked 6 months this year..

[viciouscircle]

I totally understand what you are all saying about coping at work. I've spent all weekend dreading Monday and for no apparent reason. I've suffered with panic attacks all my life but since December they have been more or less with me all the time. At the moment I feel anxious and out of breath. I dread waking up in the morning because for a split second I feel ok and then it all hits me again. I have no problem doing my job (can do it with my eyes shut) but I just can't face sitting there feeling like this. It's the flight or fight symptoms that force me to just want to run.

[shortstuff]

I'm on a 'good run' at the moment. I'm back at work tomorrow following the half term break. These are often the 'difficult' spells but I'm feeling really positive. It just demonstrates the rollercoaster we all ride.

Good luck to all who are struggling to cope at work.

Nic
xx