hiv - embarrassed

[tubbies]

hi

i'm new here but worry about having hiv. i did have a stupid unprotected one night stand which i regret so bad. i had an hiv test done 5/6 months later which came back negative, thank god. when i had my baby, i got severe pnd which caused health anxiety about the hiv. a gay friend of mine had not long been diagnosed with hiv. i used to clean his cuts as he was a bit of a drinker and was always falling over & getting into fights. i feel awful as i just can't speak to him now because he makes me feel so sick in the pit of my stomach when i think about him having the hiv. when i looked at my baby, all i could see was hiv. it was terrifying. i was forever at the doctors with mine or the baby's hiv symptoms. and the internet had a lot to answer for!! i was prescribed venlafaxine ads which i stayed on for 2 years. they saved my life as i felt suicidal most of the time. if my baby (who is now 4) becomes ill, it starts all over again. i can keep it under control most of the time with prescribed anti-anxiety tablets and know i have the ads to fall back on. but it's always there, lurking. why does it never go away?? you start to feel better, the baby gets ill and, bang, there it goes again!! i love my baby to pieces but the anxiety stops that bond we have being 100%. i'm too embarrassed to talk to friends because of the one night stand & hiv issue. and unless you've suffered anxiety before, people never truly understand what you're going through do they??

[LeeBee]

Sounds like you've been through a tough time tubbies - this has been going on for a while.

If you don't have HIV then your baby doesn't have HIV. You were tested and you were clear. Since the unprotected sex you haven't engaged in any risky behaviour. Cleaning your friend's cuts doesn't count, unless you drank his blood or injected it. And even if you did, that you would be you, not your baby.

HIV anxiety is quite a common one - have a search through some of the older threads and you'll find other posters with similar stories.

[tubbies]

hi leebee

thanx for replying. do you know what the worst thing is?? my 7 year old suffers from quite severe anxiety/panic attacks. my doctor has told me she's "feeding" from me. i think my baby will end up the same way.

[NervousNellie]

Hi Tubbies!

This is just your anxiety getting the best of you! Most people that are infected by HIV have a positive test within 2-8 weeks. If you are tested before the 3 month mark and your results were negative, they recommend that you get tested again in 3 months (6-9 months after exposure). Also, when you are pregnant, you should have been tested for HIV in your first batch of bloodwork (unless that's the test that you mentioned gave you your negative result). In any event, your test was negative. It would have surely shown up when you had the test done - that was more than enough time.

Another point is that there are plenty of moms that have given birth to healthy babies even though the mom had HIV. And since your test was negative, there's no way that your baby would have it.

Please relax and enjoy your baby. Love her and bond with her 100% - they grow up so fast!
:hugs:

[tubbies]

hi nervousnellie

thanx for replying. i was asked did i want an hiv test done when i had my routine bloods at my first hospital appointment. i told myself i'd already had the test done with a negative result and there was no need to put myself through that again. so i can't see one being done with my routine bloods if i'd already refused.