View Full Version : new guy with long one
I've just joined this board, so I'd better give you the full(ish) story.
I've felt 'weird' for about three and a half years, by that I mean I've felt like I've been in some kind of dream, disconnected from myself, waiting to wake up out of it but never doing so. I now know this condition is called depersonalisation and I believe it is the cause of my panic disorder.
It all started completely suddenly as I was sitting in a pub having a pint with my friend. No, I wasn't drunk! It was my first pint of the day. Out of the blue I had this feeling overcome me as though I wasn't there, like I was fading out of existence. I told my friend how weird I felt and all I wanted to do was get back to his flat nearby
and lie down, thinking that if I rested and slept then I'd wake up feling normal. Unfortunately 3 and a half years on I'm still waiting.
The next day I felt no better and travelling back to my house on the bus, I felt physically drained
and my throat felt like it had constricted and I couldn't breathe. The next day was my birthday, but even that couldn't drag me out of the abyss and all I wanted to do was lie down.
After a week or so I went to the doctors and he told me that it was probably 'just' anxiety related to the fact that I had recently graduated from Uni and was feeling kind of aimless. This to me was absolute rubbish. I had always been the most laid back person in the world and this was probably the easiest time of my life, certainly compared to being at Uni with no money and stacks of work to do. So, anyway, after a blood test that showed nothing sinister, I carried on life as normal as I could and eventually the physical symptoms died a bit but that sense of unreality never went away.
Things pretty much settled down over the next couple of years, though I still felt a certain amount of lethargy and ended up stuck in a boring job that was completely beneath me. Then this year, again just before my birthday, I was coming home on the bus after watching the Two Towers at the cinema when I felt like my body was packing up. I tried to ignore it but as time went on it got to the point where my heart was going crazy in my chest and could have sworn I was about to have a heart attack. I told my mum to call an ambulance on her mobile phone and at that point I felt my vision closing in and I was losing sense of my physical body. My mum just said I was probably having a panic attack and we got off the bus.I lay down on a bench for a little while until it passed, but I think from that moment on I was totally changed.
I went to the docs soon after and he got me to have blood tests and referred me to an endocrinologist to have urine samples to see if it was a hormonal problem. Before I saw this consulatant I had had another attack at work and that time i was so convinced I was having a heasrt attack that I took myself to A&E and had an ECG
done. They told me there and then that there was nothing wrong with my heart, but when I saw the endocrinologist he got hold of the results and said there was something slightly wrong on it and referred me to a cardiologist. By the way, when I saw the endocrinologist I had an attack in his waiting room! H e saw it happening which I was very pleased about an he told me that it 'wasn't anxiety. It's something very real.'
But anyway, needless to say after peeing into endless containers and giving blood and wearing
an ECG box for 24 hours and all the rest of it nothing untoward showed up, even though the attacks were becoming more frequent and more nasty. Reluctantly, I decided to go along with my GP's idea that it was anxiety. Although I didn't believe it, I thought it would be sensible to persue it and rule it out. As I was adamant that I had never hadany conscious anxiety in my mind and
it was only a physical thing, my GP put me on beta blockers. After taking my second tablet, I entered a new phase of the nightmare. I went in to the biggest attack I'd ever had. It was more like a fit, I was writhing around on the floor, my limbs shaking and a feeling that my head was going to expl
Hi Gav,
Welcome to the site, I hope you've had a good hunt around and read lots of the information/posts on here already.
Couple of questions -
What did the endocrinologist find wrong with your results ?
What are you doing currently to help yourself ? What meds are you taking currently ?
Catch you later...
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Gav,
You are definetly at the right place to help you through and cope with your anxiety. Once you read other sufferers messages you will realise that there are lots of people who have experienced the same or similar symptoms as yourself. I think for me that is one of the most important things...to realise you are not alone in this.
I too have suffered panic attacks and anxiety now for 3yrs and have felt my life slip away at times. The important thing is you have found this forum now which offers excellent advice and support to help you through. I've only been a member for about 3/4 weeks and its been the best thing that has happened to me and my anxiety.
Keep in touch...Take care!!
sadie
Thanks for your replies, guys. In answer to your questions Radar, firstly the endocrinologist felt that there was a slight abnormality with my heart rhythm, which is about as much of an explanation as I got. After he referred me to a cardiologist I had a scan, where they look at the heart with a camera and that proved nothing sinister. Later on I had a 24 hour ecg which showed no rhythm abnormality at all, maybe due to the fact I was on Diazepam by this time. Perhaps the abnormality the first time was due to the fact I was having a panic attack, I don't know.
Secondly, at the moment I've just been put on Dothiepin after problems with the newer antidepressants (citalopram, venlafaxine, escitalopram). The main side effects I was getting with them was sleepiness and lethargy, but since my GP prescribed me dothiepin I've read that it's probably worse than them for these side effects! God knows why he's put me on it, but I suppose I'd better give it a chance.
I've also been taking Salmon Oil capsules for omega 3 fatty acids, which are supposed to be good against anxiety and depression and vitamin B6, but it's hard to tell whether they're doing any good.
thanks once more, dudes. I look forward to speaking to you again.
Gav
Hi Gav,
Excellent for the Omega 3 and the Vit B - although that would preferably be a Vit B complex rather than B6 alone.
I've had 2 people I know who sound very similar.
One said she lived in a fog for 18 months and would have slept 24/7 if she could and did her job - just almost in a trance.
The other was diagnosed MEish and slept as much as possible.
Now they are both out of their fog but now have real anxiety symptoms to deal with.
One said to me the other day that it was easier to be in a fog as she didn't realize how stressed she could be.
I had a hunch that it was nutritional with them both and it did make a huge difference to the fog but is not a cure.
Apart from sleep how much real relaxation, meditation etc and exercise do you force yourself to do ?
Have you been to any complementary practicioners and if so which therapy ?
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
nomorepanic
13-12-03, 21:12
Hi Gav
Welcome to the site and for sharing your story with us.
I took Dothiepin many years ago and the side effects weren't that bad but they just didn't help me atall so I then went on to Prozac and that didn't do much either. I stopped taking them all 5 years ago and only went on Cipramil for about 3 weeks (3 years ago) before I took myself off it cos the side effects were worse than the panic.
I hope you take some time to read not only this message forum but also the info I have on the website itself and you start to find some answers to your questions.
Welcome aboard
Nicola
Thanks for the welcome Nicola. I've already had a little look at the website and I'm very impressed with the effort that's been put into it. If I am assuming right and it is you who wrote the 'my story' bit, I just wanted to ask something. You spoke about a vague sense of unreality that you had, which sounded like depersonalisation (which you will have worked out is my main problem). I'd like to know if you've got over that now and if so was there anything that helped get rid of it.
Meg, I have tried exercise like swimming and jogging to get myself more used to coping with heart racing and breathlessnes etc and I belive this has probably helped a bit. As for meditation, I used to do it a lot but now I'm wary of doing anything that may worsen the trance state I seem to be in constantly. It may sound strange, but from my talking to people who also have depersonalisation, there are many cases of it being caused by meditation.
I'm afraid I'm not very adventurous when it comes to complementary therepies and if truth be known I admit to being a bit of a sceptic but if anyone has found anything that works against panic, depression or depersonalisation I'd love to hear it!
thanks again guys for your support.
Hello Gav,
I don't know where to start from.... I too suffer with that awful feeling: depersonalisation or that feeling unreal and vague, and I think its the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever had. The first attack happened 8 years ago, but its been on and off with good and bad times. Today,its all back, especially that terrible feeling that you described so well. And it makes me worry so much. Before it all happened, I was like you. Full of life, energy and optimism. And it all came to me out of nowhere.Like you say , it 's like living in a dream 'cause everything surrounding you seems "unreal", but to me its more like a nightmare.
I got panic attacks too, palpitations, pain in chest, tight throat, all those symptoms that you had/have.
Ive been put on a treatment recently: Cipramil and Zopiclone ( similar to Diazepam but less addictive).
Hope I will hear from you again.
By the way I am 27 :-)
You could join us also in the chat room( busier in evenings after 9pm).
Hope to see you there.
Take care.
Florence.
Gav
Hopefully you'll find on this forum some reassurance that at least some of your symptoms are 'normal' for those of us in panic mode. I've had that intense depersonalisation many, many times. Sometimes there's a trigger (like a hangover) sometimes they come out the blue (although increasingly I try to analyse how I've been thinking and feeling immeadiately prior to the sensation coming on. Did I have a rush of intense emotion or feeling? I'm beginning to understand there's a connection, for me anyway.)
Take heart, you're on a journey to understanding yourself. You will find your way and you can succeed despite it all. Or maybe 'succeed because of it all'. Good luck, keep posting.
Jim
nomorepanic
15-12-03, 21:29
quote:Originally posted by Gav D
Thanks for the welcome Nicola. I've already had a little look at the website and I'm very impressed with the effort that's been put into it. If I am assuming right and it is you who wrote the 'my story' bit, I just wanted to ask something. You spoke about a vague sense of unreality that you had, which sounded like depersonalisation (which you will have worked out is my main problem). I'd like to know if you've got over that now and if so was there anything that helped get rid of it.
Hi again. Thanks for the kind words about the web site. Yes, the story on the site is MY story.
I used to feel really weird and described it as "not really here", "looking down on myself living in another body" and "feeling out of it".
I haven't got it anymore - it simply went away in time as the panic/anxiety subsided. I cannot even remember when. I certainly didn't wake up one day and was cured, it just went slowly.
I remember saying to my partner once - "god I haven't panic'd for a week" and I had simply forgotten about it.
I am not cured yet - 90% there but I do not feel those feelings anymore so I am sure they will go in time for you too.
Relaxation is the key I think and acceptance. Once you stop focusing on a sypmtom it gets bored and goes away [:o)]
Good luck with your recovery too.
Nicola
Hi Gav
My sense of "not being there" happens usually when I am tired (physically, emotionally or both). I quite often find myself "wondering off", and when I "come back", I haven't got a clue what everybody has been talking about.
I got into a state at the dentist recently, paid for treatment, and booked my next appointment. when I got back to work, I realised that I hadn't a clue why my bill was so high, or when I had booked back in for, so I had to call in the next day!
I can honestly say that a healthy diet, and exercise really do make a difference (and I didn't believe this a few months ago, until I tried it for myself - now I'm a convert).
Try and eat plenty of vegetables, fruit, drink lots of water, avoid too much tea, coffee and soft drinks. Choose fish and chicken over red meat, and wholemeal bread, pasta and brown rice over white. Eat boiled, steamed or grilled instead of fried.
Take some exercise every day. If you are finding it difficult, remember that a walk to the local newsagent for a paper each day is better than nothing at all.
Try and accept your symptoms and the fact that you have an illness. I find it easier to function if I just accept that I feel ill because I have panic attacks, and not worry that I am about to have a heart attack/brain aneurism etc. I know this is very hard, but I have discovered that when I am really down, I can actually think myself sicker. Not intentionally, but it is possible.
Try and concentrate on the positive, and try and avoid thinking about your life slipping away. Instead, reverse the thought and think about how you can get it back.
Easier said than done, I know, but I know it can be done, because I'm doing it now.
Try keeping a diary, and put a few lines in each day about how you felt and positive things you've done. It doesn't matter how "small" they seem - mowed lawn for mum, walked to shops etc, are all positive things.
As Bryan would say, little steps, but it's true. Most people on this site who are starting/have got better have done it by repetition of small tasks, which eventually leads to getting your life back.
Have you thought about going back to your doctor and requesting some none drug assistance. CBT is a very good therapy, which most of us have used/are using to great success.
Please don't give up Gav. It is very possible to make a full recovery, and claim your life back, and I hope that you will find the site as helpful and supportive as I have.
Charlie
Just to agree with a lot of what Charlie has said. Apart from the undeniable benefits in eating and drinking sensibly, combined with following some sort of exercise routine, the discipline in doing so imposes self-control. Panic can be a fear of losing control, so you're effectively getting some leverage over it. A diary is also a great help and can be very theraputic. The only thing I'd add is that learning to relax and breathe properly is very worthwhile, and can soothe and calm you down in many situations.
Jim
Thankyou Florence, Charlie and Jim for your sensible advice. I've always tried to do a lot of exercise, but unfortunately I couldn't help but undo the good work with bad (but necessary) habits. My job was of a sedentary nature and (as I have explained to my doctors) long periods of sitting down would make me feel terrible. In my own time I am an artist and musician and doing these pursuits often means sat in concentration for long periods of time, which would leave me feeling physically tense and breathing very shallow. Unfortunately now it's got the point where I can't sit and paint for an hour without feeling funny, so even simple hobbies like that are being sacrificed because of it.
I appreciate all your suggestions about healthy eating. I'm not too bad with this, but I'm probably eating a bit too much at the moment!
I'm not worried about my weight (I'm one of these lucky people who can eat and eat and still stay slim) but it's probably adding to the fatigue by being bloated all the time.
Speak to you all soon. I'm going to bed to read Harry Potter.
Gav
hello gav,i can totally relate to your problems.i only joined this site a couple of days ago,the support and advice is great.i too am an artist,i paint picture ,draw etc,but i have to get myself motivated.ive been off medication for about 3 years now,i was on an anti deppressent called imipramine.i used to sleep all day and at one point i never saw daylight.i went into therapy and went to day groups at my local hospital to get me doing things again.at one point i was 4 stone less than what i am now,so i weighed just over 9 stone,which for my height is light.about feeling unreal,as other posts have said can be quite common, i know what you mean about feeling like a zombie.i had chest pains only a few days ago and went to a&e to get an ecg.it read ok,so i put it down to anxiety.i hope the advice offered from the other posts have helped you,all i can say is ive had my problem for about 7 years and there are good times as well as bad.ill stick a face on the end of this post for a laugh.all the best [^]..........paul
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