New & looking for some support.

[Cinders]

I am new to this and feel that you guys maybe able to offer me the support i need.

I am currently off work, it all started back in October when i was at work and was thinking i just cannot cope, i burst in to tears and called my manager who calmed me down and explained that everything would be ok.

Well i have plodded along since then and had Christmas off work which was great, i had all plans and ideas for the new year at work and 3 days in i just lost it.

On my way home i pulled up in a car park and just cried for ages,i felt like i couldn't go home as i am normally such a positive and strong person i felt like a let down!

My partner called and talked me in to coming home and i just went straight to bed where i cried until i fell asleep and then woke up continuosly all night.

The next morning i was hysterical, i cried like i have never done before, i felt like i couldn't face work but at the same time i knew i had so much to do and i didn't want to let everyone down.

My partner refused to let me go to work and called the doctor who signed me off for 1 week with stress and anxiety.

That week is up today and i am going back to the doctors Monday as i just cannot face going back and i would like the doctor to put me in touch with someone i can talk to.

Part of me feels such a fraud, one minute i am making dinner and cleaning the house and the next minute i am in bed under the covers in tears and half the time i don't even know why!

When i am cooking or going to visit my mum and talking to her i feel ok and i feel bad as i think well i am ok i should be at work not chatting to my mum, but when i leave and i am on my own on the way home i cannot stop crying then i think how can i ever go back.

Is this right what i am feeling, i don't seem to be able to cry the last few days i am getting angry instead, does this mean i am better? how do i know when i am better? How much time do i need to take off?

Any advice would be great.


Thanks so much

C x:)

[Duckie]

Honestly I have had those moments. Where I cry because I have been pushed beyond what I can cope with. Finding that balance is hard. I know this week I have been kind to myself, one day at a time. I don't rush to do anything, I take my time and if I "feel" like it I will. Like if I don't want to do the laundry right now I won't. I focus on things that really need to be done, like my children. Cooking dinner, helping them with their homework. If my mom calls I don't have to talk to her, sometimes I feel guilty because I'm ignoring her or if I cut a conversation short that I should be on there for as long as that person wants to talk. I try to stay away from stressful situations. I also have the same routine every night. Clean up my house for a little while, take bath, boil some water for calm sleeping tea, watch a show or two to help me wind down. That helps so I don't get panicky or anxious about what to expect. Anger could be many things, could be guilt, could be denial, could be something rooted that you just have touched on yet.

My Hubby asked me last night if I had talked to my mom, I guess she was emailing him on his blackberry. I told him no, because she does stress me out and forces me into a panic state. She makes me feel guilty and chains me up in a prision by her actions and words.

I agree if you feel that you need to speak with someone. Maybe they can help put things in perpective for you. I know I feel like I am such a baby right now learning to walk but I am allowed. I can only do what I feel I can do, and I have to stop trying to be "everything and do everything." Because I am not super woman.

Hugs you are not alone.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

:welcome: Welcome to the site.

Duckie xx

[Cinders]

Thanks for the insight in to your feelings there, it makes me realise that yes i am not alone.

As i am off work my partner has basically told me to do what i want, if i want to stay in bed then do so, if i want to make dinner or bake a cake then do it. Do whatever is going to make me happy and take my mind of things.

I feel gulity though, because i am off work i see it as though i should be ill, i don't see stress & anxiety as an illness! So when i am not in bed, and i am making dinner or a cake i feel bad for doing it.

I know stress & anxiety is an illness but i am finding it hard to accept that at the moment, i know i cannot face work yet but how long as i am going feel like that?


Cinders x

[Duckie]

I wrote what I was going to write and then dummy me had to look up in the dictionary how to spell a word. I lost everything I had typed.

Don't try and look at the big picture. I know this week with everything that happened, I couldn't WAIT for the week to be over (I'll hopefuly feel better!) Well anticipating made my stress level worse. Try to live moment by moment.

I know it's so easy to say that, but I am trying my best to do it.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Sαshα]

Hi Cinders :)

A lot of what you described in your post reminded of me how i felt when things first started to go wrong for me.

I remember walking to work and not being able to see where i was going for tears, and panicking more with every step i took thinking i cant do this anymore, and before i knew it i was heading for my mum's house instead of work, even although i knew she wouldnt even be up yet and that she'd be worried sick when she saw me turn up at her front door at half past eight in the morning with my uniform on. It was the first time she knew anything was wrong with me, and i completely broke down in front of her.

Try not to worry about how long your going to be off work, it'll take as long as it takes. I remember feeling physically sick when my doctor first signed me off for 1 month, and thinking to myself that i'd just go back next week regardless of what she said. I ended up being off for 3 months though, and i really really needed that time. Going back too soon will only make things worse for you in the long run im afraid.

*hugs* to you and always remember that your not alone :hugs:

[teeshirt:suntanner]

i totally know what you mean by feeling like a fraud, i was signed off work a couple fo years ago and some days i couldnt lift my head off the pillow it felt like a massive hang over (without having drunk anything)!!!! the next day i could get up, feel ok, no tears, go out and meet a friend for lunch and feel totally ok, and id think what am i doing off work???? the next day i woudl wake to floods of tears with no apparent trigger and it was just a bewildering experience!

I totally agree with the other post - you are not alone :)

[GG1986]

Cinders,

Your post struck a real chord with me, it's exactly how I reacted the first time I went out to work when I was just 16. The first night I came home I sobbed so much I was sick and I just couldnt understand what was wrong with me, the job wasn't beyond my limits, the people were friendly but for some reason anxiety just got a hold of me.

I couldnt accept for at least a year that I had an illness, I constantly punished myself for being a fraud, lazy or a timewaster but eventually, with the right support, I accepted that anxiety is an illness and learned to accept the help offered to me.

Take as long as you need away from work, you have a very supportive partner and I would urge you to have a chat with a counsellor, to see if you can work out where the anxiety is coming from.

Remember that you are not alone, the people of this forum are always here to chat.

[Cinders]

Thanks for all your supportive comments guys it really does help, i am currently not seeing anyone, i have my phone on silent and i am not taking calls from anyone other than my family - that may sound mean but that is just the way i feel. In fact i have avoided going places just in case i bump in to someone.

I am due back at the docs tonight, not sure what he is going to do with me, i admitted to my partner last week that i would like to talk to someone so he called the doctor and i have to go in and see him again as the first step.

The trouble is i am not crying like i was before, everything else is the same but not as many tears, does this mean i am better? i don't feel like it and i just couldn't face work and seeing people, but what if he thinks i am fine - i am so scared.

All i want to be able to do i forget about work and relax and i just can't, continuously it is there in my head and i am counting down the days till i have to go back and it scares me.