shotokansho
16-01-09, 09:50
Hello all. I am still quite new here but it's a great site. I must admit at the moment i am keeping myself above board and i am happy at the moment. I still have attacks but i can almost always control them now so they don't take over my life...just though i would share, sorry if it's long and boring :winks:
My depression and anxiety started in 1997 when i had my first son. My doctor said i had post natal depression, although i loved my baby. The panic attacks started and i was having up to six per day, it was horrible. I was sinking deeper and deeper into this hole. I began neglecting myself by not combing or washing my hair ect. My babys dad just thought i was stupid and he often called me names and was constantly angry with me, shouting at me and throwing things at me. I got used to it and figured that was it, that was my life and i really was stupid. When my baby was 5 months old i walked out, i don't know how i did it or what spurred me to do it i was like a zombie in a daze. Took my baby, all i had on was a t-shirt and jeans...it was pouring down. I packed a few baby things in my sons changing bag and that was it. I turned up at my mums and she welcomed me.
Mum took me shopping for new clothes and i finally had a bath. I soon got my own place but the depression still hadn't been treated. There was a few times where an ambulance was called because i was convinced i was having a heart attack. I began drinking, very heavily every day i had to have a drink. My lad was left to his own devices, at 3 years old he basically did what he wanted. He wasn't properly potty trained and i didn't pay him an awful lot of attention. I just wanted to drink...i was definatly hooked! Of course i would never admit i had a problem i just knew the drink helped block things out.
Anyway one night me and a friend drank 3 litres of cider each and i ended up buring my house down. My boy was screaming in his room, as i tried to get him i just collapsed on the ground, i was still drunk which made it harder. My friend got my lad out and we were given oxygen by the firemen until the ambulance arrived. We were taken to hospital and they took my boy away from me. A social worker made my mum sign a paper to say she would look after my son until i got better...that was heartbreaking!!!
Anyway my social worker was great. I was assigned an alcohol key worker and completed a detox, i was also given counselling. Coming off alcohol wasn't as hard as i thought, i had so much support from the health services and i felt better. I had also been prescribed seroxat which helped immensly with my depression and anxiety. The counselling was gruelling, at first i just sat there in silence because i was scared stiff of opening my mouth. Soon i started talking and i actually couldn't believe my own ears, listening to myself. So many things that had been in my head, things from my past that i had forgotton about. There was a lot of tears but it was great to finally be able to share it with someone.
Now i have another two sons, they are my life and my first son, despite small issues is fantastic. I have a black belt in karate, im currently in training for my 2nd dan and i also help teach the children on a saturday. I have passed 3 GCSE's and i am currently trying for my level 1 maths. I have a lovely house and i am quite content. I never thought i would ever achieve anything, always labelling myself as stupid...i was over the moon when i got my exam results...i was even told i scored the highest in the whole college. :blush:
I still experience panic attacks, but rather than me take constant meds i have some tablets that calm me down on the onset of an attack. I haven't had to use them yet as i am quite good at controlling them. My drinking is at a nice even keel and i feel like i am in control.
I just wanted to share this with everyone...there is always light at the end of the tunnel, everyone can find it and actually say to themselves..."you know what? I am worthy and i am not stupid, i can do this" and it's a great feeling when you do and achieve something.
Thanks for listening
Kerry xx
My depression and anxiety started in 1997 when i had my first son. My doctor said i had post natal depression, although i loved my baby. The panic attacks started and i was having up to six per day, it was horrible. I was sinking deeper and deeper into this hole. I began neglecting myself by not combing or washing my hair ect. My babys dad just thought i was stupid and he often called me names and was constantly angry with me, shouting at me and throwing things at me. I got used to it and figured that was it, that was my life and i really was stupid. When my baby was 5 months old i walked out, i don't know how i did it or what spurred me to do it i was like a zombie in a daze. Took my baby, all i had on was a t-shirt and jeans...it was pouring down. I packed a few baby things in my sons changing bag and that was it. I turned up at my mums and she welcomed me.
Mum took me shopping for new clothes and i finally had a bath. I soon got my own place but the depression still hadn't been treated. There was a few times where an ambulance was called because i was convinced i was having a heart attack. I began drinking, very heavily every day i had to have a drink. My lad was left to his own devices, at 3 years old he basically did what he wanted. He wasn't properly potty trained and i didn't pay him an awful lot of attention. I just wanted to drink...i was definatly hooked! Of course i would never admit i had a problem i just knew the drink helped block things out.
Anyway one night me and a friend drank 3 litres of cider each and i ended up buring my house down. My boy was screaming in his room, as i tried to get him i just collapsed on the ground, i was still drunk which made it harder. My friend got my lad out and we were given oxygen by the firemen until the ambulance arrived. We were taken to hospital and they took my boy away from me. A social worker made my mum sign a paper to say she would look after my son until i got better...that was heartbreaking!!!
Anyway my social worker was great. I was assigned an alcohol key worker and completed a detox, i was also given counselling. Coming off alcohol wasn't as hard as i thought, i had so much support from the health services and i felt better. I had also been prescribed seroxat which helped immensly with my depression and anxiety. The counselling was gruelling, at first i just sat there in silence because i was scared stiff of opening my mouth. Soon i started talking and i actually couldn't believe my own ears, listening to myself. So many things that had been in my head, things from my past that i had forgotton about. There was a lot of tears but it was great to finally be able to share it with someone.
Now i have another two sons, they are my life and my first son, despite small issues is fantastic. I have a black belt in karate, im currently in training for my 2nd dan and i also help teach the children on a saturday. I have passed 3 GCSE's and i am currently trying for my level 1 maths. I have a lovely house and i am quite content. I never thought i would ever achieve anything, always labelling myself as stupid...i was over the moon when i got my exam results...i was even told i scored the highest in the whole college. :blush:
I still experience panic attacks, but rather than me take constant meds i have some tablets that calm me down on the onset of an attack. I haven't had to use them yet as i am quite good at controlling them. My drinking is at a nice even keel and i feel like i am in control.
I just wanted to share this with everyone...there is always light at the end of the tunnel, everyone can find it and actually say to themselves..."you know what? I am worthy and i am not stupid, i can do this" and it's a great feeling when you do and achieve something.
Thanks for listening
Kerry xx