Afraid to live?

[LeeBee]

I sometimes think that I am afraid to really live my life and do the things that I want to do.

There are a couple of reasons for this, I think. The first is a fear of failure - I'm afraid if I try and fail then I don't know what I'll do. The second is the same sort of irrational fear that I have about flying - that if I stop worrying about the plane crashing then it will crash. If I concentrate on doing the things that I really want to do and living my life then something will come along to make it go horribly wrong. Almost as though fate is just waiting for me to take my eye off the ball and jump in to take good things away from me.

Another analogy might be 'Movie of the Week'. You know, the kinds of movies that show on TV in the afternoons in which you know something is going to go horribly wrong the moment when a character is totally happy and turns to their spouse/child/mother and says 'I love you'. I'm afraid that the moment I'm happy will be the moment when I'm diagnosed with a lingering, painful, terminal illness, just like in Movie of the Week.

Am I just a naturally pessimistic person? Anyone else get this?

[LeeBee]

While I'm at it, I might as well add that I think I have always felt like this to some degree. My health anxiety is a newer thing that has developed as I've got older (30s). It kicked off big time when I got a mystery virus last year. I just don't trust my body any more to do its job; I keep feeling like it's going to let me down big time.

[Lozzie]

Hi there Leebee,

I completely understand how you feel. I have a tendency to think if I don't talk about certain things then it won't happen, I'm worried if I start talking about it then it will happen to me or get worse. For example I mainly think this when I am ill or in pain. I think that if I start to talk about it indepth then it will probably get worse or won't be what I say/think it is. Does that make sense?
Now I know how you feel but you have to remember the human body is a marvelous machine, the more I learn about it the more I realise how strong and clever the human body is.
It does so much for us without us even realising. Remember this. It won't let you down.
I now try to talk about the things I am scared of, and believe me what your worried will happen, probably won't.

Take care
Laura x

[BNCfan]

LeeBee, for what it's worth I could have written both those posts. But sadly I don't know the answer to how to stop ourselves thinking like that. I suppose a good CBT therapist should be able to help, but without knowing your history - which is none of my business - I can't throw any light on why we have such low opinions of ourselves and think we somehow have to keep up a constant 'vigil' to keep harm away. I always put it down to the sudden death of my father when I was 9 and the subsequent abuse I suffered for many years, but nobody has ever been able to help me with it. I was trying to explain to a very good friend exactly what you said in your post on Friday and she just couldn't understand what I was trying to say, and she's far from stupid. It's like all these people you see on the TV when something bad has happened saying "You never think it's going to happen to you do you?" I find myself mentally screaming at the TV, "what's so special about you?" I can't imagine going through life thinking nothing bad will ever happen to me - I'm expecting it all the time and if I do allow myself some brief happiness I'm convinced I will have to 'pay' for it. As for how I feel about my body, it feels like something totally alien to the real 'me', something I'm lumbered with, like a prison I can't escape - something which only causes me pain and terror and over which I have very little, if any, control. I hate it. Wish I could be some help, because I know what a great person you are from your wisdom and kindness expressed in your messages to me and others on this site. PM me any time and sorry I can't offer anything better or more encouraging than empathy.

[LeeBee]

Thanks for your reply Lozzie.

And thank you very much, Helen (aka BNC). That really means a lot.

[bab]

Hey Lee

this could be me - im dont have any enjoyment as im too scared to take my eye off the ball for anything - to me the world is dangerous and im jealous of those who can do things without worrying. like you i think its when i stop worrying that something bad will happen - we think by worrying we are keeping ourselves safe

if only i knew an answer as its exhausting being worried all the time
lots oflove x

[andie73]

Hi Lee

This is sooo me. I'm so scared at the moment that I feel to be constantly tense. I am 7 weeks pregnant, but pregnancy and labour terrify me. I lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks three years ago and at the moment every day seems an eternity. I'm emetophobic so I am scared of morning sickness. Every time I feel sick I have a panic attack.

Yet I so badly want children. I love other people's kids and I am just so envious of my friends and family who have got what I so badly want. I wish I could just put my fears aside and live my life instead of fearing every waking moment and believing that I am going to miscarry again or die in labour or something.

Then like you I picture the idyllic image of after the birth when I have what I want and wonder how long it will last, before some terminal illness rears it's ugly head. Oh what a positive soul I am lol!!!!