What if "Living In The Present" is hell?

[BNCfan]

I so often read and hear how learning to 'live in the present' has helped anxiety sufferers overcome their problems, but what if the 'present' is a living hell with physical and mental symptoms of anxiety and terror almost endlessly? I live alone, no family, debilitating phobias - from agoraphobia to a fear of death - which I have had since I was 9 years old - don't trust people due to years of abuse of almost every kind during my first 30-plus years - much of it from the clergy and the medical profession. I would give anything to experience a sense of being at peace with myself, but my 'aloneness' - I deliberately don't call it loneliness, because from the age of nine living with people was hell, so I don't miss them - only adds to my terror. I've never known what it is to have a loving relationship or what it's like to be loved - this makes me hate myself. If even my own mother couldn't love me there must be something terrible wrong with me. My life is pointless, I wish I'd never been born because all my life consists of is an endless fear of dying and subsequent chronic anxiety and depression. So learning to 'live in the present' isn't that great as far as I'm concerned. I'm sick of being told what a "survivor" I am - all that means is I haven't got the guts to kill myself because of my phobia about death. Can anybody else identify with this, or am I the 'odd one out', 'the freak' again?

[tanya 1]

hi,no your definatley not the odd one out,dont be so hard on yourself,you sound like a very nice person,have you thought about doing a meet up in your area with some of the people from off here? it sounds like you just need someone to talk to so pm me anytime
tanya 1 x

[ladybird64]

I so often read and hear how learning to 'live in the present' has helped anxiety sufferers overcome their problems, but what if the 'present' is a living hell with physical and mental symptoms of anxiety and terror almost endlessly? I live alone, no family, debilitating phobias - from agoraphobia to a fear of death - which I have had since I was 9 years old - don't trust people due to years of abuse of almost every kind during my first 30-plus years - much of it from the clergy and the medical profession. I would give anything to experience a sense of being at peace with myself, but my 'aloneness' - I deliberately don't call it loneliness, because from the age of nine living with people was hell, so I don't miss them - only adds to my terror. I've never known what it is to have a loving relationship or what it's like to be loved - this makes me hate myself. If even my own mother couldn't love me there must be something terrible wrong with me. My life is pointless, I wish I'd never been born because all my life consists of is an endless fear of dying and subsequent chronic anxiety and depression. So learning to 'live in the present' isn't that great as far as I'm concerned. I'm sick of being told what a "survivor" I am - all that means is I haven't got the guts to kill myself because of my phobia about death. Can anybody else identify with this, or am I the 'odd one out', 'the freak' again?

Dear Helen

I have read your post over and over, trying to formulate a reply. I don't want my words to offend, I would never do that but I can only say what I feel.
"Living in the present" can be very difficult for us all for varying reasons, but living in the past is a sure fire guarantee to make the present intolerable.
You have a deep mistrust of people because of your past experiences and that is understandable but you also mention your "aloneness" and how you don't miss other people..but you also say that you are terrified being alone.
You have spent years on your own but is this through choice or circumstance? You mention that you have not had a loving relationship but that could only happen if you were prepared to take the chance of letting people get to know you, from what I have read in some of your answers to posts you seem like a caring person to me. :)
You also mentioned your mum. Helen, if she couldn't give you the love that a young child needs that was down to her not you. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but I have read so many times that children who have been starved of love blame themselves and it's just not true.
There seems to be some "rule" that parents should be respected and honoured regardless of how they behave, but at last the tide is turning and it is ok for an adult who has suffered in the past to say "it wasn't my fault".
I don't know if we can ever attain the sense of "peace" that you mention..I haven't been able to and I'm not sure that I ever will.
I do however, live in the present (with the occasional backwards glance at the past) because I have to..no, I WANT to. The past has gone, it may affect how I feel and who I am, but it is behind me. My "present" is fraught with health difficulties, agoraphobia and problems in my family but there is always the chance that I can change things..I have no chance of changing the past.
I'll take my chances with the here and now. :flowers:

[BNCfan]

Thanks Tanya and ladybird. I think with me it's simply a case of years (55) of exhaustion trying to cope on a daily basis with such high levels of anxiety and depression and the effort of the pretence of 'keeping all the balls in the air'. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I dread what my body is going to hit me with when I wake up - nausea, dizziness, chronic IBS etc, etc. I try to make the most of any 'good' days I get, but they're as rare as hen's teeth. I've read so many 'self help' books over the years, but they only serve to increase my feelings of alienation - as they all seem to be aimed at people who have families and what I call 'normal' lives. When I say I'm terrified of my 'aloneness', I mean I'm afraid of dying and nobody finding me for weeks. I've chosen to live alone because from the time I was 9 when my father died, until I was 33 when my mother died, I was subjected to almost every form of abuse imaginable, including sexually, from the family she worked for. The abuse happened because my mother couldn't cope if I showed any emotion - cried or got upset etc after my father's death - and would hand me over to anyone who was available and that's when the abuse would take place - at the hands of her employer who would force me to perform oral sex on him. This man's family were doctors and once I left boarding school (another way to keep me 'out of the way') - by then I had developed every type of phobia imaginable - they constantly 'pulled strings' to have me kept in a psychiatric hospital, where I was more or less anandoned - my mother never visited - and written off as a complete 'dead loss'. Because of the sexual abuse I've always been terrified of men - except for one - but that's another story and he doesn't know I love him, although it will be 45 years next July since we first met - and I couldn't allow any man except him into my personal space, or indeed anyone else for that matter, but men in particular. I long ago forgave my mother for her inability to cope with me - who am I to judge anybody? Because I got 'punished' every time I let anyone know what I really felt - I was given 'Aversion Therapy' because my mother's employer's family didn't approve of the one man I did and still do love - and, not surprisingly, I now can't allow anyone to see the real me, show any emotions or let anyone know how I feel. It's much too dangerous, even crying alone makes me feel vulnerable - even though on a 'logical' level I know all the people who abused me are dead. I know it must appear that I live in a 'prison' of my own making, but I'm so afraid of letting anybody see the real me. I have friends, but they have no idea I've been virtually having a 'breakdown' since last August. I chat on the phone and pretend everything's ok. They know I'm agoraphobic and have social phobia so don't pry too much if I don't want to go out and live too far away to visit - I'd make an excuse anyway if they suggested it. I'm sorry, I've ended up writing a book and have, I think, written a lot of this in previous posts some time ago, so sorry for repeating myself. I really admire anyone who puts up a fight against this 'bully' we call anxiety, but I don't have the energy anymore after 55 years. I've ended up living on a 'sink' housing estate in south east London and everything about it only reinforces what a complete failure I am and always have been. If anybody's trawled through this far, THANK YOU. I'm lost in a wasteland.

[rgb76]

Hi

It sounds unimaginable what you went through..the fact that you are here and telling your story so clearly is amazing...I really hope by facing these terrible memories that this helps you to move forward. You are an amazing person so please, please don't give up...thank you for sharing this with us :bighug1:

take care

rgb76

[freakedout]

BNCfan


So learning to 'live in the present' isn't that great as far as I'm concerned. I'm sick of being told what a "survivor" I am - all that means is I haven't got the guts to kill myself because of my phobia about death. Can anybody else identify with this, or am I the 'odd one out', 'the freak' again? I can relate to this in some respects although I do not have a phobia of death.

Being a survivor does not necessarily mean 'living your life' I am at a point of wondering how on earth I can cope with the rest of my life. Although dwelling on the past is not necessarily helpful it is actually 'who we are', not easy to detach yourself from. I have lots of family members locally and a husband and kids etc but they don't know the half of my 'head trouble' and sometimes that loneliness is too much to deal with. Yes, that 'pretence' is a killer too, I am struggling to hide the real me these days, it is just so so difficult. Are you treated for depression?

I wish that I could say something inspirational or helpful to you. A very dear friend of mine also feels similar so I can truly say that I have a bit of understanding of your exhaustion and despair, it is dreadful.

Take care,

Depressed Freaky