merton
26-01-09, 17:50
Oh, where to begin...
Basically, I'm a young male (27), and I've been suffering with anxiety for many years now. I had a tough childhood, growing up in a mentally-abusive family environment, getting bullied at school and then being the victim of a (minor) sexual assault when I was 16. Eventually, I got myself together and moved away, but my family problems have dogged me ever since.
In the last few years, I have really suffered. I was working in a very high-pressured job for a few years, then gave up smoking and started suffering with what can only be described as extreme anxiety/paranoia (I was panicking that things that I knew hadn't happened actually had happened, to the point where I would convince myself that they had. I felt so bad, I could barely leave the house at one point). I resisted the urge to see the doctor and, when I began smoking again, it went away.
Then, I got ill for a while, with something that assumed the form of glandular fever, but was ultimately undiagnosable, putting me out of action for nearly a year. During this time, I sorted myself out a lot, went to relaxation classes and felt better than ever. About a year or so after I went back to work, my llife got really, really busy again (instead of one main job, I tend to be doing two or three smaller jobs up to a maximum of 45-50 hours per week), and I slowly became anxious again.
I tried to give up smoking again soon after, and again began experiencing intense paranoia - this time in the form of deja vu. Everything that happened in my life, from getting out of bed to seeing a cyclist pass me on the street, felt like it had already happened before. It was like my brain was processing it as a memory. I tried everything to find similar situations from anxiety sufferers, but could find nothing. Eventually, I started smoking again and, again, it went away almost immediately.
Last year, I decided in May that I was doing okay and that I would give the stopping smoking a go again. I did it, and am still now not smoking, but it was very, very hard initially. I went through all of the paranoia/deja vu again, and it was horrible. I saw a counsellor and dealt with a lot of family stuff and seemed to have gotten through it.
Then, in September, things went sour with my family again. One family member became ill, and it caused a lot of strain. Then, at Christmas, everybody began arguing again, and I decided that I didn't want to speak to them any more, due to the constant pain and stress they cause me. They didn't take it well and reacted very nastily, despite me explaining over and over again the anxiety/stress I was suffering.
Anyway, now I feel as bad/worse than ever. Before Christmas, I would have described my feelings, probably, as outright depression. I was low, miserable and suicidal, but somehow dragged myself through it. Now, in the new year, I feel drained, pressured and anxious.
The way they reacted hurt me deeply, and, try as I might, I just can't let it go. I've not been back in touch, but it dominates my thoughts and brings back some pretty bad stuff from childhood.
On top of that, I've been feeling some of the deja-vu/paranoia again. If I have any alcohol at the moment, I feel so paraoid the day afterwards that I did something I shouldn't have/upset somebody that my whole body burns with shame - even though I haven't done anything!
My chest constantly feels... well, funny. It's not tight, but it is like somebody is gripping me there and I'm short of breath. I've often got a sinking feeling. And, I know I'm really busy, but I just can't sort myself out. If I try to take a day for myself, I manage three or four hours before I start feeling guilty and start trying to complete something I've been working on, even if the work isn't due.
I made a big to do list over the weekend, and today woke up, had a quiet cup of coffee and then did this list. I did everything on it, from changing dentist appointments to filing tax returns, via lesson planning, writing and everything else in between. I should have been proud of myself and able to relax - instead, I felt like I should be making a start of tomorrow's stuff.
Life's like this all the time at the moment - I can't find peace and I can't enjoy any relaxation time at all. I feel constantly pressured, or low, or get feelings of deja vu, or panicked. I feel like I'm going insane.
I contacted my GP, and got a referral to the local mental health team counselling service, and they've referred me on to a psychologist for the more in-depth family stuff, but I'm just drowning in anxiety at the moment. I feel like nobody understands me and I'm just a burden on everybody. I think my partner is sick of me, and I don't blame her, but I really am trying so hard to sort myself out, and it's just not happening. Even if I do make time for myself, things don't get better. Even if I plan my time well and get everything done, things don't get better.
I just don't know what to do... please help if you guys can.
Merton
Basically, I'm a young male (27), and I've been suffering with anxiety for many years now. I had a tough childhood, growing up in a mentally-abusive family environment, getting bullied at school and then being the victim of a (minor) sexual assault when I was 16. Eventually, I got myself together and moved away, but my family problems have dogged me ever since.
In the last few years, I have really suffered. I was working in a very high-pressured job for a few years, then gave up smoking and started suffering with what can only be described as extreme anxiety/paranoia (I was panicking that things that I knew hadn't happened actually had happened, to the point where I would convince myself that they had. I felt so bad, I could barely leave the house at one point). I resisted the urge to see the doctor and, when I began smoking again, it went away.
Then, I got ill for a while, with something that assumed the form of glandular fever, but was ultimately undiagnosable, putting me out of action for nearly a year. During this time, I sorted myself out a lot, went to relaxation classes and felt better than ever. About a year or so after I went back to work, my llife got really, really busy again (instead of one main job, I tend to be doing two or three smaller jobs up to a maximum of 45-50 hours per week), and I slowly became anxious again.
I tried to give up smoking again soon after, and again began experiencing intense paranoia - this time in the form of deja vu. Everything that happened in my life, from getting out of bed to seeing a cyclist pass me on the street, felt like it had already happened before. It was like my brain was processing it as a memory. I tried everything to find similar situations from anxiety sufferers, but could find nothing. Eventually, I started smoking again and, again, it went away almost immediately.
Last year, I decided in May that I was doing okay and that I would give the stopping smoking a go again. I did it, and am still now not smoking, but it was very, very hard initially. I went through all of the paranoia/deja vu again, and it was horrible. I saw a counsellor and dealt with a lot of family stuff and seemed to have gotten through it.
Then, in September, things went sour with my family again. One family member became ill, and it caused a lot of strain. Then, at Christmas, everybody began arguing again, and I decided that I didn't want to speak to them any more, due to the constant pain and stress they cause me. They didn't take it well and reacted very nastily, despite me explaining over and over again the anxiety/stress I was suffering.
Anyway, now I feel as bad/worse than ever. Before Christmas, I would have described my feelings, probably, as outright depression. I was low, miserable and suicidal, but somehow dragged myself through it. Now, in the new year, I feel drained, pressured and anxious.
The way they reacted hurt me deeply, and, try as I might, I just can't let it go. I've not been back in touch, but it dominates my thoughts and brings back some pretty bad stuff from childhood.
On top of that, I've been feeling some of the deja-vu/paranoia again. If I have any alcohol at the moment, I feel so paraoid the day afterwards that I did something I shouldn't have/upset somebody that my whole body burns with shame - even though I haven't done anything!
My chest constantly feels... well, funny. It's not tight, but it is like somebody is gripping me there and I'm short of breath. I've often got a sinking feeling. And, I know I'm really busy, but I just can't sort myself out. If I try to take a day for myself, I manage three or four hours before I start feeling guilty and start trying to complete something I've been working on, even if the work isn't due.
I made a big to do list over the weekend, and today woke up, had a quiet cup of coffee and then did this list. I did everything on it, from changing dentist appointments to filing tax returns, via lesson planning, writing and everything else in between. I should have been proud of myself and able to relax - instead, I felt like I should be making a start of tomorrow's stuff.
Life's like this all the time at the moment - I can't find peace and I can't enjoy any relaxation time at all. I feel constantly pressured, or low, or get feelings of deja vu, or panicked. I feel like I'm going insane.
I contacted my GP, and got a referral to the local mental health team counselling service, and they've referred me on to a psychologist for the more in-depth family stuff, but I'm just drowning in anxiety at the moment. I feel like nobody understands me and I'm just a burden on everybody. I think my partner is sick of me, and I don't blame her, but I really am trying so hard to sort myself out, and it's just not happening. Even if I do make time for myself, things don't get better. Even if I plan my time well and get everything done, things don't get better.
I just don't know what to do... please help if you guys can.
Merton