post traumatic stress disorder...the torture

[lillylion]

Hi All,

feeling a bit lost today and have been looking for somewhere to outlet the things playing on my mind.
I was diagnosed with chronic post traumatic stress disorder in 2006. I went on holiday in 2003 with my family and on a night out had my drink spiked and was sexually assaulted in a public toilet. I didnt report it to the police as my memory was hazy and i didnt see the perpetrator. Due to physical damage such as bruising and loss of blood i saw my GP on return home who confirmed what i already knew. Id had my drink spiked with rohypnol. I refused treatment and wouldnt let anyone examine me.

After 3 years of torment i decided i had to do something. It had got to the point where id sit in the corner of a room until it was time for bed as i could see everything from that corner. I still felt i could be hurt, i remember on one of my usual days ringing my mum at work and asking her to come home. I couldnt decide whether it was safer to lock the doors or not. I felt that if i locked the door i could be locking someone in with me but if i left it open anyone could come in. To your average person this was completely absurd but to me so real. I picked up lots of little rituals starting with small things and then they became routine. Bedtime...it would take me upto 3 hours to even be ready to sleep. I would have to start by facing the door in bed, then turn after 10 minutes, and this continued for hours until i was exhausted.
I had cognitive behaviour therapy eventually in 2006. It took me a long time to see that i no longer had control of myself. Instead i was being controlled by my post traumatic stress disorder. On one of my sessions my therapist asked me a question 'how much longer will you let him have control?' i was completely baffled, then she explained something that completely changed everything for me. 'the man that sexually assaulted you has had complete control of you for 3 years, when will you beat him and take back the control?'
It suddenly clicked, the man who i had spent 3 years hating had complete control of me, id let him choose how my relationships would work out, what i would do in my day, what i would eat, where i would sit, whether i had a career or not and how i would treat my family.

My dad completely denied that the sexual assault had ever happened and my mum spent most days crying through fear that she had lost her daughter. After that therapy session things started to look up, i realised i was letting the scumbag win!
It was a long process but i did a degree as a learning disability nurse. Finally something i had to vent all my passion and frustration into...
I decided to move away from home ON MY OWN :D where i could make my own life and my own decisions and let my parents rebuild themselves. My family were so nervous for me. I moved to a place which i thought was great, and started a new job. Due to my sister i had a good understanding of how patient's families felt to have lost their child to something they had no control of. (look at the poem welcome to holland by emily pearl kingsley)
However all was not well, the place i started working at was full of people who found me and my confidence threatening. They have made the last 4 months of my life hell!

Unfortunately my post traumatic stress disorder symptoms are slowly taking back control. They were always there but i had worked out a way of managing them. Yesterday was terrible. I had to go to the post office so i persuaded myself to go into town. It was raining so i had my hood up. On my way home from the centre of town i heard footsteps behind me getting closer and closer to me. I thought someone was going to grab me, i screamed and jumped up against a wall. Not only did i scare myself but i frightened the life out of the middle aged man running to catch a train. Im smiling about it now because it sounds so stupid. That happened twice yesterday.
Today i have decided im safer sitting indoors where noone can scare me and i can scare noone. When does it stop? What will it take for me to banish the selfish person that caused all this? I think there is an answer. I think i have it but its lost somewhere, and who knows i may never find it but for the moment i need to take back the control.

[Trapped]

Hi,
I can relate to a lot of what you say apart from mine was caused by domestic abuse/violence, during which time I was sexually asaulted although of course not by a stranger.
I too had made much recovery, started a degree and voluntary work to support it. I am a carer for my son who has a severe mental illness and lately his behaviour has caused svere enduring stress which has brought back the symptoms which you describe, I too had become very confident, perhaps over confident, perhaps it was all an illusion....who knows? but what I am trying to say is I can relate. I am available via PM anyime (HUG):hugs:

[lillylion]

Thankyou, good to hear im not the only person who is trapped by this disorder! :winks:
My other half convinced me to go to the doctor shortly after reading my first entry. My doctor seemed to know a fair bit about PTSD and is suprised i have not had any tablets to help so far. As im not sleeping at the moment he has prescribed me something and has also given me an SSRI that is most commonly used to manage the effects of PTSD.
I didnt want to take tablets and it feels as if ive now given in and am accepting that PTSD is in full control!
I have my 2nd bout of therapy on the 11th so fingers crossed by then i have pulled myself together again.
You know you said about the confidence? I think in a way i use pretend confidence to hide just how scared i am of meeting new people, of how they will judge me, and the fact that they might not like me!

[Trapped]

The drug I am supposed to start tonight is for depression/ocd/ptsd it's sertraline but I am worried cos I have read it can cause more jaw clenching and I have tmj disorder, which drug are you on?

I have been putting on a false bravado for ages, that's part of the problem.....:hugs:

[lillylion]

haha how funny, ive been prescribed sertraline too. 50mg OD, and then 50mg BD after 3 days.
At the moment im not worrying about any side effects cos anything has to be better than tormenting myself with my thoughts.
I think they could give you something to take away the side effects if they were really bad. Like orphenadrine!
x

[Trapped]

Don't know that one, going to look it up, thanks....

[Trapped]

MMmmm muscle relaxant, I doubt my dr wil give that, I asked him for diazepam at at a very low dose say 2mg at 5 tabs a time so I could only take it on the days I am desparate and he wouldn't entertain it............

[lillylion]

diazepam is sucha strong drug. Can cause extreme drowsiness too.
had quite a few patients use it for epileptic seizures.
I think each drug is different for each person though!
i really thought i had a hold on my symptoms this time. very disappointed that im back to square one!

[Trapped]

I don't think you are back to square one quite.... what is your job?

[lillylion]

im a nurse ironically. put all my anxiety into training to be a nurse which i love but my new job has caused the relapse!

[Trapped]

Funny isn't it my degree course is in health and social care, makes you think doesn't it.....

[lillylion]

i think people who do care work are usually in it for a reason. like they are able to empathise with their patients! :)

[Trapped]

You hit the nail on the head there, that's been the problem all my life and now the pot is empty..........

How are you doing with the sertraline then?

[lillylion]

yeah it seems ok. people have been warning me that the amitryptiline is highly addictive though which i wasnt aware of, but as i said to them i would prefer that rather than being unhappy and not sleeping. There doesnt seem to be any side effects of the sertraline as yet. keeping fingers crossed. how about you?
x

[Trapped]

Had to stop the Sert, made me bad.... glad it's ok for you, good luck.

I take 10-20 Amitrip per day usually 10 and I don't like that but it helps with the pain. x

[lillylion]

so have you had therapy to manage your ptsd? whats worked for you?x

[Boostjunky]

Hi there,

I'm probably replying to this quite late. I too have PTSD from sexual abuse I suffered between the ages of 10-13. I had therapy for this when I was 17 and old enough to understand what happened to me. I treated the problem with 2 years of therapy and also changing my lifestyle. However I relapsed about 18 months ago. I met my girlfriend, all was well for a couple of months but then I became paranoid about her sexual past and the kind of person she was. Stupidly I too put on a brave face and bottled it up. I started have my old flashbacks and nightmares again, this then led to me waking up screaming. I had to sleep fully clothed and always have the lights on. Eventually my girlfriend came home from work to find me in the corner of the room shaking from having a flashback. At this point she convinced me to tell her what was wrong, when I came clean she was very shocked but helped me more that any therapy i've ever had. From this point I started to talk more, I told my mom, my brother and my very close friends. I also went back into therapy at the same time. I'm getting back to my old self again now. Being sexual abuse is something that never leaves you, its never left me. However, i've learnt to combat it and come to terms with it. I stay away from things that provoke my flashbacks, things like films, tv programmes, people who don't live a normal sexual life. Be open to those close to you about your problem, its nothing to be ashamed of. I hope your feeling better soon.

[PHOBIA MAN]

even though you said the details were hazy about the incident, I'm inclined to think that enough memory of the incident was absorbed for your mind to use it as a blueprint for a phobic/PTSD response. I think you would benefit from an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) technique called 'the fast phobia cure' even though this is the name it's called, it is fantastically powerful in reprocessing an old traumatic memory, and therefore taking the emotion away from the incident, leaving the person with like a clinical detachment of the incident.
contact me if you want to know more about it. I use this all the time for phobias and PTSD especially rape and military victims. This technique amazes people how easy it is, it just uses imagination and has dramatic effects on a person giving them their life back.
As for your dad, his inability to mentally deal with HIS trauma is very common, it's the old 'if I deny it, I don't feel the pain' it must also be like a knife in his guts, he could do with some therapy to help him deal with it. If the most precious thing in your life is hurt, it can have it's own trauma, try to see it from his angle also, this kind of thing has far reaching consequences, Mum probably has her own way of dealing also.
I'm here if you want any FREE advice.

[PoppyC]

Hi
It all sounds very good and you offer free advice, but what is the cost of the NLP?

[PHOBIA MAN]

on average it can be from £40-60 per session, depending on where you go, some are cheaper. it may take 1-3 sessions but i usually can do some major improvement in 1-2. I have never had one person say they regreted paying! most say I wish i'd done it sooner!

[lillylion]

hey thanks for the advice guys. i am going through councelling now not to deal with the trauma as i feel i have dealt with that, but to resolve some work issues. i know im never gonna be completely free from ptsd, but for the moment im happy. my family and bf are hugely supportive. im finally of the antidepressants as of next weds which im really excited about. i dont think my dad would benefit from therapy though, he doesnt like being told hes not coping and prefers to forget negative things. i know if he ever got really bad my mum would force him to do something, but for now i know he loves me and we have a great relationship!x

[ijustagirl]

i totally understand the horrors of post traumatic stress, its like a living nightmare, mine alittle differnt as was a bad motorbike crash , but i find myself unsafe all the time, like yourself..i say to myself every day , im not going to let this beat me and win..but the fear takes over and the panic sets in...i know know fear is f...false e...evidence.. a....appearing r...eal.. but doesnt help..i hope you start to feel better soon..if you have any tips let me know...smiles sam

[alicia828]

I, too, have chronic PTSD caused by long term domestic abuse. I'm no longer married to the person who abused me, but I feel like I'm still under his control because I rely on him for money. He's supposed to pay me every month, but he doesn't like to do it sometimes.

I've been prescribed Lexapro and I'm worried about the jaw clenching, too, though I don't have TMJ. I do have dental work I can't afford to ruin. The jaw clenching doesn't happen to everyone, though. I tried Paxil and it helped, but it caused uterine bleeding in me. I think the dose was too high (40 mg. each night, and I was also taking diclofenac 100 mg. at the same time, which I've discontinued). Paxil did not cause jaw clenching and it did not cause me to gain weight. In fact, I lost weight on it until I had to give it up.

I tried sertraline and I didn't like it. It didn't help me, but everyone is different, and I have to say, it didn't cause any jaw clenching in me. Neither Paxil nor sertraline caused any nausea or dizziness for me, but Paxil made me rather drowsy.

I haven't tried the Lexapro yet, so I don't know what it will do. I'm afraid to try it as I'm afraid I'll feel even worse than I do now.

My most distressing symptom is feeling intense buzzing in my feet and buttocks and thighs. All medical testing has been done and has ruled out any physical cause.

I don't really feel anxious. I am hypervigilant, though. I wake screaming at night several times a night, I wake with a start every day, and any noise causes me to jump out of my skin.